My youth story cannot be a knight war

Light descended from the sky, drowning everything in front and also drowning the receding figure.

Then the light spread here, illuminating Hikigaya's eyes and face, and also illuminating the entire world, causing the world to dissolve in the light.

When everything turned pure white, only one sentence was left.

"Zaimokuza."

Light illuminates everything.

……

The story disappears in the light.

(Part 1 END)

0. The World is Hell (New Chapter)

Maybe I know it, and I know it better than anyone else.

That is, how unforgivable my sins are.

……

Gray, everything is gray.

The entire world seen through these eyes is as dim and dull as the ashes left after something burns, and the buzzing sound of words in the ears like the needles of an old typewriter is even more annoying.

"Hey, have you heard? The Hikigaya kid seems to be..."

"It was a girl, right? I heard about it too. She died in a car accident a while ago. It was said that the accident scene was horrific. It looked like most of the road was covered in the remains of internal organs crushed by the wheels. Many police officers who went to the scene vomited on the spot after seeing it!"

"And it wasn't just that girl; many others were killed. Chiba Prefecture hasn't seen such a serious car accident in years. It's said that not only did the insurance company pay a large sum of money, but the company executives involved in the driver's accident will also bow and apologize at tomorrow's press conference. They will also pay an additional large sum of compensation to the victim's family."

"I think the police haven't been able to find the driver involved in this accident yet. Did he flee?"

"Who knows? Sigh~ It's such a pity that such a young child passed away so early. Her parents must be extremely sad now. After all, their only child is gone..."

"That's not the case. The Hikigaya family has two children. The younger sister is the one who passed away, and the older brother is still alive."

"That's better. Do you know what this brother looks like?"

"I saw him once before when I was buying groceries. He left a deep impression on me. He looked very depressed, especially his eyes. They were exactly like the box of Fukushima specialty fish I saw in the seafood cabinet. He looked completely lifeless."

"Hey? Can you tell me more about it?"

"Hmm~ How should I put it? That kid looks like—ah, that's him! The student wearing the Soubu High School uniform is the kid I'm talking about."

"He's the kid from the Hikigaya family? It's actually real! His eyes are just like what you said, Mrs. Ito, like rotten fish... I just feel a little disgusted!"

"Indeed, I felt disgusted the last time I saw it across the shelf. Now looking at it again, I feel even more uncomfortable. Sigh~ The Hikigaya family is really pitiful. They lost a daughter, and what they left behind is such a dragging and uncomfortable child."

"It's really sad to see. If the person who died in the car accident wasn't another child, but——"

"Shh! Keep your voice down! Someone's coming over here. Don't let him hear us talking about him..."

……

pat.

With slightly frivolous steps and head lowered, he walked past the two chattering housewives without saying a word and his face remained expressionless the entire time.

Despite the fact that he had heard everything the two men said clearly, without missing a single word.

But compared to the anger that should have arisen in his heart due to the gossips of these people, or the shame and annoyance that he had felt in the past, Hikigaya's heart was now as calm as a pool of stagnant water, without the slightest ripple.

Regarding those remarks, he had only one simple thought in his mind: so noisy.

It was so noisy, like a group of flies buzzing above the trash can. When I felt the glances from behind on my back, I seemed to be able to imagine the green heads and red eyes of the flying flies in my mind, and I was curious to explore what was at the bottom of the repeatedly stacked garbage bags in the trash can.

What do people usually do when a fly appears in front of them?

As this thought flashed through his mind, Hikigaya stopped moving forward, then silently turned his head slowly and looked at the two housewives who were still talking non-stop behind him.

As he turned his head, his slightly messy bangs brushed against the side of his face, revealing Hikigaya's eyes that were hidden by his bangs.

His eyes used to be dull and gloomy, with thick dark circles under them, giving people the feeling that he was a flounder that had just been slaughtered on the stove.

But at least, a faint trace of life can still be seen in Hikigaya's eyes. Although it is indeed uncomfortable to look at directly, it does not make people too disgusted.

Now, people who see Hikigaya's eyes will no longer feel "disgusted".

Because what replaced it was fear.

The already pitch-black eyes reflected light like the surface of marbles, but there was no vitality in this light. The two pupils were empty and looked particularly deep, which reminded people of the mouth of an ancient well that had been neglected for a long time or the entrance of a railway tunnel covered with vines.

Behind the reflection of the iris, there is a bottomless pure darkness. This static darkness is dead and indifferent, and the skin feels inexplicably cold the moment it sees these eyes.

These eyes, paired with the pale and slightly thin face, did not seem to have any warmth that a living person should have. Instead, they looked like those of a deceased person who had not closed their eyes even after death, as if death itself resided in those eyes.

When they were stared at by a pair of eyes that looked no different from those of the dead, the two housewives' originally suppressed voices instantly became inaudible, and continued to become weaker and weaker until they finally shut up completely.

Even so, Hikigaya still didn't take his eyes off. His dark eyes, with a strange paleness, were fixed quietly on the two housewives, and his crystal irises reflected their cowering figures.

Under Hikigaya's gaze, the two housewives were able to pretend not to see it at first, looking away and pretending to be chatting about their own family matters.

But as time went by, even though I had never met those eyes, I felt goose bumps all over my skin, and my heart felt like it was being pressed down by a stone that was getting heavier and heavier. This oppressive feeling even began to be reflected in reality, and the other sounds that were originally faintly heard by my ears seemed to have fallen into silence at this moment.

The part of the street where the three people were located seemed to be being separated from the whole world. Those eyes gradually gained control of this space with an icy yet overwhelming presence. Even Hikigaya's face became blurred in the corner of his eyes, but only those eyes remained clear.

Finally, the two housewives could no longer endure the double torture, both mental and physical. They turned around and carried Hikigaya on their backs and began to walk quickly to the other end of the street. One of them even stumbled and nearly fell because she walked too fast, and the strap of the sandal on her right foot broke.

The housewife who discovered that the strap of her sandal was broken continued to limp forward, not daring to stop at all, nor to look back and glare at Hikigaya, who was basically the cause of this situation. The unspeakable fear in her heart prompted them to walk away quickly.

"..."

Soon, the embarrassed figures of the two housewives disappeared at the right corner at the end of the street, and Hikigaya withdrew his gaze and walked forward again.

His gaze hadn't changed at all from before. Hikigaya didn't care at all that he had forced the two housewives to flee in embarrassment with his eyes. It was obvious that in the past, whenever Hikigaya encountered people talking about him, he would shrink his head like an ostrich and walk past those people with their heads lowered, humbly hoping that they would not notice and laugh at him.

And now, Hikigaya felt that none of this mattered.

Whether good or bad, he no longer cares about these things. Even if someone points their finger at his nose in public and insults and mocks him, Hikigaya won't feel the slightest bit of emotion.

Even when he scared away the two housewives with his eyes just now, it was only because he thought they were too noisy, not because he was angry or furious because they belittled him in the conversation.

But the two housewives said something that Hikigaya agreed with in his heart.

...It would have been great if I had been the one who died in a car accident that day.

……

"I am back."

Following his long-standing habit, Hikigaya uttered these words as he opened the door.

But now only his cold and lonely voice echoed in the house. There was no response from him occasionally before. The whole house was so empty and silent that it was frightening.

Hikigaya showed no reaction to this atmosphere. He took off his shoes and threw them away casually, then walked into the entrance without even wearing indoor shoes, stepping step by step along the dusty corridor that had not been washed for many days.

When he reached the living room, Hikigaya stopped and turned his head to look inside silently.

The living room floor was now covered with messy newspapers and photos, as well as many empty wine bottles. A woman in home clothes was lying in front of the table, holding a stack of photos in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other. Her heavy breathing mixed with the strong smell of alcohol filled the air.

However, what immediately caught Hikigaya's attention was not the messy scene in the living room or the woman sleeping on the table, but a photo in a black floral frame on the TV cabinet next door.

In the photo, the girl with short black hair is smiling towards the camera, revealing her white teeth and her eyes narrowed into crescent shapes filled with smiles.

However, against the overall gray tone of the photo, this smile is also covered with a layer of gray haze, and the smiling girl is forever frozen at that moment.

Looking at the photo quietly, Hikigaya remained expressionless.

But his left hand, which hung at his side, had been clenched into a fist without him knowing when. The blue meridians were throbbing on his pale skin, and finally calmed down as the fist was loosened.

Turning around again, Hikigaya ignored the scene in the living room and the drunken woman sleeping at the table, and walked up the corridor to the second floor.

Since that day, the house has been like this, as if there are three strangers living in the same house, and they don't speak to each other even when they see each other.

Perhaps after some time, this cold way of getting along will gradually change, but Hikigaya doesn't care about it.

Because no matter how you change, nothing can go back.

When a family member loses the most important one, no matter how much the remaining members try to improve their relationships, they will never be able to return to the way they were before. The missing person will become a void in the hearts of all the family members, huge enough to swallow up all the warmth and affection.

Pushing open the door of his room and casually throwing his schoolbag in the corner, Hikigaya sat on the floor beside his bed, his hands on the bed behind him, looking up at the dim ceiling above his head, without saying a word for a long time.

He didn't even want to turn on the lights. His heavy breathing echoed with the rise and fall of his chest. Hikigaya allowed himself to be surrounded by the memories surging in his brain, sinking into the deep sea of ​​memories, unwilling to extricate himself.

This has been his only way to relax these days. Only at this moment can Hikigaya choose to escape from the cruel reality.

Not causing trouble to others and society, just sitting alone in a daze, curled up and dreaming, this way is good for everyone.

I don’t know how long this kind of “relaxation” lasted, but it was broken by a sound and a pulling sensation on my trouser legs.

"Meow~"

Hikigaya looked down ahead with a tired cry. The fat cat with messy fur was scratching at his trouser legs with its claws, looking at him with dissatisfaction.

After noticing him looking at it, the cat rubbed Hikigaya's paws with its head, and the fluffy touch spread all the way from the instep of his feet.

According to Hikigaya's understanding of this cat, when it rubs its head against people's paws, it usually means that it is hungry and needs to be fed.

"Kamakura..."

Reaching out and holding the fat cat in his arms, stroking its messy fur, Hikigaya's eyes appeared even darker against the backdrop of the dim room.

By the way, how long has it been since it took a bath?

Moreover, there should have been a few bags of cat food prepared at home. Kamakura would usually eat those cat food when he was hungry, but now he came to me and asked to be fed... In other words, did he eat up all the cat food?

It was not until this time, through these tiny details, that Hikigaya realized that a long time had passed, and even the cat food that filled an entire cabinet had been eaten up.

Since that day, he felt as if the passage of time had completely stopped, and he had always remained in that day.

Maybe the cat was the only one in the house who hadn't realized what had happened. It just watched the cat food in the cabinet decrease day by day, and only came to find me after it had all been eaten up, because it couldn't find the person who had been responsible for feeding it before.

She liked Kamakura the most, and she liked it so much that she even felt jealous.

Thinking of this, Hikigaya felt that the gloom that had been permeating his heart for these days had dissipated a little. He stroked Kamakura's head and said softly:

"Sorry, I'll get you something to eat soon, just wait a moment."

"Meow~"

After hearing this, Kamakura put his head into Hikigaya's arms and rubbed his chest hard, which usually means that he forgives you.

While holding the cat, Hikigaya struggled to reach out and grab his wallet from the edge of the table next to him.

Since that day, he basically hasn't used his wallet. He cooks his meals and drinks at home and brings them to school. He also doesn't use the money for entertainment, so he doesn't know how much money is left in his wallet now.

I hope I have enough money to buy a bag of cat food...

Thinking of this, Hikigaya opened his wallet to confirm his deposit.

"?"

But just as he opened the folded wallet with his hands, he suddenly stopped. Looking at the half-corner of paper sticking out from the wallet's inner layer, Hikigaya's dim eyes widened slightly.

He pulled out the folded piece of paper, slowly opened it, and looked at the words written on the page. Suddenly, he felt his breathing stagnate, along with the beating of his heart.

——Keep doing your best at the cultural festival~ I love the way you work hard with everyone, hyung! (>??)?

Signed: Hikigaya Komachi

P.S. How's that? This paragraph has a pretty high Komachi score, right? (????)

"..."

I remembered what happened before that day.

At that time, she suddenly came to me, took my wallet and stuffed something into it, then asked me to swear that I must read the note only after the cultural festival was over, and if I broke my promise, she would never talk to me again.

As a brother who loves his sister, I agreed and never looked at the content of the note until the end of the cultural festival.

But at that time, the first thing that came was the phone call announcing the bad news.

Holding the note that carried his sister's hopes in one hand, Hikigaya hugged Kamakura tightly with the other hand and lowered his head deeply. Silence, completely different from before, surged and lingered in the room.

...How cruel, isn't it? When someone is gone, you discover the last trace of them left in this world.

Wow.

"Meow meow~"

The note slipped from his loose palms. Hikigaya hugged the struggling fat cat with both hands, buried his face in the back of its furry neck, and his shoulders shook silently.

I have forgotten in which book I read this sentence, but Hikigaya has always had an inexplicable love for it.