Why, Can't You Eat?

Chapter 48

I breathed in while looking up at the strangely colored sky. It had completely changed. The place I thought of as a dream until now was like my inner world. The place of the succubus, not mine, was where Lilith was asleep.

The threads tied to my fingers were shining as if to show off their presence from before, but I didn’t want to look at them. Petals that flew from somewhere sank to the bottom of the waters. At first glance, I could see my face and Lilith’s overlapping each other.

“It seems you don’t want to go back yet.”

And I raised my face to the voice I heard from behind. A woman with dark hair gracefully draped was walking towards me with a friendly smile. I took a deep breath and said,

“I can’t face them. I’m too ashamed.”

“It’s important that you can reflect on yourself and gain enlightenment. There are many people in the world who can’t do that.”

“Even if you gain enlightenment, if you don’t change, it’s of no use in the end.”

“Do you mean that you’re like that?”

“…….”

I’ve been living like this since I was young. If I could fix myself right away just because I’ve reflected on myself, this would never have happened. As I crouched down, a soft hand caressed my cheek.

“Baby. I’ve been watching you here since you were little. You always thought of yourself as very insignificant.”

“It’s not a thought, it’s a fact.”

“It is not. You don’t see what a lovely child you are.”

Unable to speak at the affectionate scolding, I hung my head. The long hair brushed against my shoulders and flowed down. There was silence for a while, then I blinked my eyes and began to speak slowly.

“I liked being alone. Still, sometimes I wished I had friends, and there were times when I admired a lively kid who led the group. I never really thought that my face was pretty.”

I took a deep breath. And the fact that I didn’t want to admit, but I couldn’t pretend I didn’t know anymore, was painfully spit out.

“Lilith was who I wanted to be when I was a kid.”

The instinct of wanting to be loved. The greed of an innocent child that did not want to lose what they were holding in their hand. Pure desire. When I was sixteen years old, I wanted to be that person, so I acted like that.

“I was a succubus from the beginning, but you weren’t. That is why, while awakening as a succubus, the form appears in the most ideal form you think. Just like people see us as our ideal type.”

“I still remember when I got wings and a tail. Really, I felt like I was like a monster. My parents had never seen it before.”

“I remember you crying a lot.”

Now, as long as I wasn’t overly aroused, I could take it out and let it in at will, but that wasn’t the case. I was even more afraid because it would disappear only after I wanted it to enter over and over again.

“But what I hated more…”

“Your face changed. You used to sigh every time you looked in the mirror.”

“Even if someone likes me, I can’t be considered innocent.”

Those people were like that. They had no interest in me, but when my face became pretty, they suddenly pretended to be close and casually said that they had liked me for a long time. Without even knowing my name properly.

“The thing I wanted to hide… I think it was because of that. Lilith is so beautiful and charming, but not me. I was scared. When they find out that the succubus, who had tormented them for years, was actually such a lowly person, I…”

“Are you afraid they are going to kill you?”

“Can I be honest?”

“Of course.”

“I’m scared that I will be despised.”

So were those people. When they found out who I was, when I refused, it was easy for me to be hurt by them. As far as using the word ‘how dare you’.

“At that time, I wasn’t strong enough to not care even if I heard those words.”

“But baby, now those people, when they found out about you, no one ever said that.”

Yes. No one said that. They didn’t, but it was a matter of my own heart.

I buried my face in my lap and the relaxed hand began to stroke my hair. The comfort made me want to cry, so I bit my lip a few times and said the words with difficulty.

“I’ve never liked anyone. I love my family, I cherish Maria and Lucy, but…”

“It means you’ve never liked anyone of the opposite sex.”

“You know. I became a succubus before I even knew it, and then that happened.”

I remembered it so clearly. What I did with Odil, what I did to Ares, what I said during the night to Damian and Endymion.

My face heated up reflecting on what had happened. It was because of my shame and embarrassment.

“I just thought that there’s nothing I could do about it since I needed to absorb essence. Still, it felt so good that I thought I would cross the line someday.”

“Let go. That’s natural. As long as that mark is there, it is inevitable that you are more sensitive than others and weaker to pleasure.”

“But that shouldn’t be the case.”

“Why do you think so?”

Hearing that calm voice, I took another deep breath. My nervousness made my hands and feet cold and I could feel my throat parched. Each time I clenched and unfolded my fist, the threads tied to my hand tightened.

“It was a forced relationship. It was a one-sided assault. If the same thing happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to fall in love with them for whatever reason. But…”

Even in that situation, there were people who came to like me. Even in that situation, they liked me.

To be honest, I’ve never had a good feeling about it.

“Now you know. You didn’t want them to like you.”

And as if she knew everything, I focused my gaze on the voice that pierced my heart. My cheeks heated up as I was holding back my smile. I opened and closed my lips, and was barely able to speak.

“…Is it okay if I tell you the truth again this time?”

“Of course. No matter what you say, I am always by your side.”

“…….”

I was really reassured in her assurance that no matter what I said she wouldn’t despise me.

“I am. You’re right. I don’t want them to like me. It doesn’t matter if they like Lilith, but I don’t want them to like me.”

And when I started to reveal the truth that I had been hiding because I didn’t want to reveal my selfishness, I cried, and the things I had been putting up with until now began to burst one by one.

“Every time they said something like I’m cute or pretty, this or that, I felt like I was going to die from embarrassment.”

“Oh my. Why? Every time Endymion, Ares and Damian said that, your cheeks turned so red.”