Beidiao Workplace Illustrated Book

Chapter 325 Summer 2022 (3)

In BJ, the pressure is self-imposed

A few days ago, the company organized a dinner for the departments, and the place was chosen at a Japanese food store near Shuangjing. After the dinner was over, it was past nine o'clock in the evening. The smell of barbecue fills the air, the neon lights of the R&F Plaza building in the distance are flashing, and the traffic on the East Third Ring Road is endless.I suddenly sighed, this is life, this is what BJ's nightlife should look like.

But for more than half a year, I seemed to be isolated from this world. It has been a long time since I can eat, drink, and brag with my friends after get off work at night.

It's not that I can't, it's because I don't want to.Although I am a little envious of those people who are clinking glasses and laughing, I know that these little satisfaction and happiness will not bring anything to the long-term plans in the future.I told myself that you have more important things to do, you should cherish every moment, and don't forget your intentions.

In order to cherish every moment of the moment, during the past six months, I chose an ascetic life, refusing all social interactions, all pastimes and entertainment, and those choices that could have enjoyed life.Every night after get off work, I go back to my residence in BJ, close the door and listen to lectures, study, prepare for exams, and read books.I don't go out on Saturdays and Sundays. I have to write and read books, and then continue to listen to online classes and do exercises.

Because a lot of time was wasted, so now I know that only time is precious.Because I have done a lot of ineffective social interaction and emotional investment, now I like to be alone more and more.Because I feel that there are still many shortcomings in myself, so now I want to try my best to change myself and improve myself.Because I always know the love and ideal in my heart, but the existing talent can't support that ambition, so I calm down to study and wait for the rebirth of Nirvana.

But before Nirvana and rebirth, it is very painful.

This pain comes from the pressure I forcibly exerted on myself.After graduating from university in 2015 and coming to BJ, in the past eight years, no matter what work I do, no matter how hard the work is, and no matter what expectations and pressures are given to me by leaders or projects, I have never felt a sense of pressure.Because no matter how complicated and difficult the work is, I have the confidence to complete it. Even if I don’t do it well in the end, I have never been hit by my work, but I have grown and improved rapidly amidst setbacks and failures.

In the past few years, I have changed from a young man in his 20s to a 30-year-old uncle in a blink of an eye. Both in mind and appearance, I have become more and more mature.Just like the party that day, the HR of the department said to me with a glass of wine: Haifeng, you don’t look like you were born in 92, but you think like a post-40s generation, and your words and deeds are very old-fashioned.Just like a few days ago, the company organized a team building trip to Fangshan and Shidu. I took a few photos at the scenic spot and sent them to my mother. My mother replied: Look at you, you look like you are [-] years old. Why are you getting better and better? Are you getting old?
In fact, my mother's words have a deeper meaning: you are already in your fourth year, and it's time to get married.

Maybe I have always been a person with a strong heart, so I have never felt any pressure at work in the past eight years.In recent years, my parents urged me to get married and have children, but they didn't put me under any pressure at all.Or maybe I have always been a selfish person. I rarely care about other people's words and feelings, or what others want from me.It is precisely because I don't care what other people think, so I always follow my heart, always be myself, and be the most authentic self.

So these years, I have lived very seriously and worked hard, and I have lived happily without too much pressure.Maybe God has a positive attitude towards this way of life, so he takes special care of me, so whether it is work, income, or life, I always have smooth sailing, relying on myself step by step, hard-working hands can get rid of poverty and become rich, Then I bought a car and a house, and became more and more outstanding among my peers.

When the material life was satisfied to a certain extent, I began to pursue spiritual life, because I was not a person who liked to pursue material life from the beginning to the end, and I did not have the slightest requirement for material life in many aspects. It is one of the reasons why I have been able to live well and gain a lot for so many years.

In fact, after working hard for a long time, you will find that a good material life is not difficult to achieve, but spiritual pursuit and realization are often more difficult.During the past six months, I did not dare to slack off at all, thinking that through my own efforts and persistence, I would be able to complete the postgraduate entrance examination once and for all. Only then did I realize that the sentence was really fulfilled, once you hear it, you will understand it, and once you do it, you will lose it.

At that moment, I suddenly felt a sense of pressure. This pressure was not urged by any external force, but completely burst out from my heart.

So the one who can really defeat you will never be others, but yourself.It is not others who can really save you, but yourself.The real pressure always comes from oneself, from the deep dissatisfaction with oneself, the demands on oneself, and the expectations on oneself.

It was also under this kind of pressure that I became restless, but some changes suddenly occurred in my work. These changes aggravated my anxiety and made me lose some fighting spirit and hope for the future.Since mid-July, the weather has suddenly entered the dog days, and the air is filled with sultriness and anxiety. The outdoor sun is scorching the earth, making people feel like entering a sauna room, which makes me even more anxious and restless.I suddenly hate this summer this year, why is this summer so hot?Why are you so anxious?Life seemed to suddenly become extremely difficult.

I suddenly remembered the summer of last year. In July, I quit my job and drove alone on the Sichuan-Tibet line. I arrived in XZ in August. The climate on the plateau was so cool, how comfortable and unrestrained I was. In 2020, the summer of the year before last, I was on a business trip in JDZ, Jiangxi. As the person in charge of pre-sales, I led several tens of millions of projects, scolding Fang Qiu, full of sense of accomplishment.And that year, it rained for nearly a month in JDZ summer, and there was no feeling of stuffiness at all.Going forward, in the summer of 2019, I traveled all over the country on business trips, often traveling to Hainan and Yunnan, where the sea, blue sky, green water and green mountains, the summer of that year allowed me to see a lot of scenery and earn a lot of money.

Thinking about the summers of the past three years, I have not spent a good summer in BJ, so I am eager to stay in BJ quietly this year without going anywhere, studying, reading, writing, and taking the postgraduate entrance examination.But now that I really live this kind of life, I feel that I am not living a chic and comfortable life before, and it is full of unprecedented pressure.

Am I wrong?Is my direction for the future deviated from the yearning in my heart?Or am I too demanding of myself?Shouldn't I push myself too hard and live too tired?Or maybe my previous good luck has been used up, so now I have to experience physical and mental pain, let me feel what is pressure?Or is this the pain before the qualitative change?Pain to the depths of the heart, pain to the bone marrow and blood?Just like what Mencius said, it’s hard work, hard work?
Maybe it is nostalgia, nostalgia for the chicness and freedom of the past.But behind those unrestrained and unrestrained, isn't it also created by the past humiliation?Throughout our lives, we are not pursuing the chic and comfortable for a while, but pursuing the real chic and happiness in the future.I know that no matter how hot the summer is, it will eventually pass, just like the beginning of autumn is waving to us.I believe that sooner or later the pressure will disappear, as if I have turned the pressure into motivation.I look forward to, in the days when I am going forward with heavy burdens, I can not forget my original intention, climb over the mountains, and finally the willows are dark and the flowers are bright, and the spring is warm and the flowers are blooming.

Liu Haifeng

Saturday, November 2022, 8
Yu BJ
(End of this chapter)