I'm afraid I'm not interested in love

Chapter 640: The surging Jinshui River, a long farewell to you
With his past and present lives combined, Su Chengyi has lived for several decades. He always maintains a calm and self-controlled attitude, and has witnessed many people's ups and downs like an emotionless bystander, but he is actually rarely moved by them.

When Su Zelang and Yang Liu were divorcing, he squatted at the door of the Civil Affairs Bureau, watching the ants busy in front of the tree, trying to separate and analyze the body of a longhorn beetle.

The scorching sun shone in front of him through the gaps in the leaves, making him look blinded.

"Do you want to go with Daddy or Mommy?"

I don't know which of them asked this question.

Su Chengyi quietly observed the route the ant took as it entered the crack in the cement before he raised his head.

"I don't want to follow anyone."

He didn't say that out of anger, he just felt that the two people in front of him were on the verge of a fight and seemed ready to explode at any moment. Neither of them would be able to raise a child until they dealt with their resentment and anger towards each other.

We are all ordinary people, and it is normal for us to have mixed feelings about love and hate.

Su Chengyi knew at that time that the love between them would not die, but would turn into a bad fate that would entangle them for a lifetime, and they would quarrel endlessly even in the underworld.

When my grandfather was sick, his condition was not too bad at first.

He never bothered the caregiver with things he could do himself, insisted on going downstairs for a walk every day, and occasionally recited a poem with full energy.

If he brought his favorite erhu, he might even play "Autumn Moon over the Han Palace" for his fellow patients in the ward.

Su Chengyi went straight to the hospital after school every day. He would set up a small stool and lie down next to the bed to do his homework. His grandfather would sometimes criticize him for his incorrect writing posture, saying that he would become nearsighted and need glasses sooner or later.

Su Chengyi didn't say anything, but just pointed to the blank space on the test paper and said he didn't know how to do it.

"Ah! You can't even remember this, how can this be tolerated? If you don't memorize the whole article today, you are not allowed to go to the hospital tomorrow."

Grandpa knocked his head, shook his head and sighed:

"When will I return after leaving you? I will let the white deer go among the green cliffs. You can recite this poem "Dreaming of Wandering on Tianmu Mountain and Chanting a Farewell Song" in the second grade of elementary school."

Su Chengyi suppressed his laughter and nodded, then wrote the answers on the paper smoothly.

In fact, how could he not remember? Studying was originally his area of ​​influence.

But on the other hand, he lacks the ability to read people's expressions.

Therefore, Su Chengyi did not notice Su Zelang's forced smile, Yang Liu's increasingly haggard eyes, and the long sighs that the doctors and nurses couldn't help but let out after finishing their rounds.

The day before my grandfather fell critically ill was also the day before Su Chengyi's final exam.

He was leaning on the hospital bed, and apart from his pale face, there was nothing unusual about him.

Su Chengyi took out the chess board from his schoolbag. This was the activity they had agreed on yesterday.

Grandpa played chess as ruthlessly as always. Su Chengyi was concentrating completely and didn't dare to be distracted at all.

The game between the two is like an old general who is shrewd and experienced against a young and aggressive rookie general. They are completely different styles of chess.

Halfway through a game of chess, the attending physician pushed the door open, and Yang Liu and Su Zelang nervously came forward to greet him.

Grandpa coughed and signaled Su Chengyi to close the chessboard.

"That's some progress. Go back and have a good rest. We'll continue after you finish your exams."

However, this separation means that we will be separated forever.

Su Chengyi was unable to see his grandfather for the last time, and the game of chess became an eternal endgame.

In his mind, this game of chess has been replayed countless times, and there are countless possibilities.

Su Chengyi was trapped in that chess game for a long time, and he was always thinking about it when he closed his eyes.

Why did the horse end up in that position? Was the cannon worth the money?
However, all of this has become a proposition that will never have an answer.

Because the person who could give the answer is no longer here, the white clouds are floating in the sky for thousands of years.

At this moment, Chen Jinzhi was standing in front of him, but Su Chengyi clearly felt that what was happening between them was just such a farewell.

We will never meet again in life or death.

After realizing this, Su Chengyi became like a robot with a malfunctioning program, his thoughts were confused and his brain was blank.

Perhaps noticing his confusion, Chen Jinzhi suddenly reached out and gently rubbed his head.

The same gentleness as before, soothing me as softly as clouds floating down upon me.

Chen Jinzhi sighed softly, despising himself for having a heart that still couldn't harden up until this moment.

I've clearly experienced what it's like to be heartbroken, but I still can't bear to see him sad for even a moment.

"You know what, Teacher Su."

After a long while, she spoke again.

Su Chengyi raised his head and looked into her eyes.

"These days, I've thought about many of the answers you might give me.

Maybe you will say that after weighing the pros and cons, a girl like her is more suitable for you, and my feelings are too heavy and are a burden to you.

You may say that you have never figured out what kind of feelings you have for me. In the final analysis, it may be that pity and sympathy account for the majority, which is still a certain distance from true love.

Of course, it is also possible that you will say that you have thought it through, you love me, and hope that I can forgive you.

Even in my imagination, I couldn't even pretend to curse you. I just felt extremely lucky that you chose me."

There was no trace of blame in Chen Jinzhi's eyes, the ending of his voice rose slightly, and his tone was gentle, as if he was speaking in an intimate whisper between lovers.

But the words she was saying sounded like a farewell letter.

"But I didn't realize that you never thought about making a decision from the beginning. So, all my anticipation and waiting, my internal friction and self-harm for so long, are meaningless in the end.

I have never been a possible choice for you, and you have never thought of loving me with all your heart. It doesn't seem as cruel as it seemed when I first realized it. "

Having said that, she suddenly raised the corners of her lips and smiled slightly with a hint of self-mockery.

Su Chengyi lowered his head with difficulty, wanting to make a few rebuttals to her conclusion. No matter how weak the rebuttal was, it was at least better than silence.

But he couldn't do it.

Because Chen Jinzhi was not wrong.

From the moment he realized he liked two people, he hadn't really tried hard to make a choice.

The two people in front of him were both too perfect. If he chose one end of the scale, the other end would fall and shatter.

It is so difficult to make such a decision. Su Chengyi stands at the fork in the road and can never take that step.

Therefore, when he had to live his life again, he was extremely greedy and only wanted a perfect life.

But at first he didn't want to think about how cruel harm such a consummation would bring to both of them.

Only when he really reached this final Shura field could he feel such real pain, and Chen Jinzhi had endured it alone for a long time, just for that slim hope.

And today, the last glimmer of hope she had was finally shattered.

That's why she is so calm, because there is no greater sorrow than a dead heart.

"I don't blame you. You saved me from the beginning. You pulled me out of the quagmire with your own hands. You said you knew I would become a big star that everyone would pay attention to. You liked me and you stayed with me."

"So, I once thought that you were a gift from fate to me. Because of your existence, I was willing to write off all the sufferings of the past. You are the whole meaning of my life, the person I can safely entrust all my feelings to, and the person I thought would never betray or deceive me.

I even thought that I could slowly learn how to love myself by loving your projection. "

"But I should have known earlier that I had to rely on you to build a complete me, so I am also so fragile and so easy to fall apart.

Your one and only decision is enough to destroy everything for me."

Chen Jinzhi's long hair fluttered in the wind. She looked pale, but not self-pitying.

"You say how strange it is, I know clearly that what you give me is only a part of your love, but I always feel very happy about it.

I am very happy to read the short reports you sent me through the screen, and I am also very happy to hear your voice when I call you. When I can't see you, I feel very happy just thinking that there is someone like you in the world. "

“But perhaps happiness is fleeting, and whenever I begin to feel happy, sadness has already begun to count down.

In fact, I am the one who should understand this principle the most, don’t you think? Teacher Su.

Having said that, Chen Jinzhi sighed softly.

Su Chengyi certainly understood why she said that.

Chen Jinzhi has experienced so much, so she is wary of everything.

Gentle but distant, that's the impression most people have of her.

The sincerity and affection she showed him was probably her last love for the world.

Su Chengyi lowered his head and watched the swirling leaves fall to his feet.

But he didn't cherish it well.

“If you think about it carefully, my life is just like a boring tragedy script. Anyone who reads it will just shake their head and sigh.

Every time I think things might get better, fate hits me hard and sends me crashing back to the bottom, with a nasty fall.”

“When I was little, I thought my mother’s illness was getting better. She didn’t lose her temper as often and would just look at me and smile quietly.

That day she also cooked a pot of porridge for me and washed my school uniform for me.

But what? She died before I could be happy.

She was even afraid that she would survive and see me again, so she tortured herself to such an extent that she was willing to jump off the building. "

“When I grew up, I thought that once I made my debut and had my own job, I would no longer have to live that kind of life.

However, it was my teammates who I worked with day and night who blamed me for bringing them down. Several years of hard work went down the drain and I was back to the starting point, only with an additional debt that seemed like a huge amount to me at the time.

Sitting on the rooftop of the company building that night, I suddenly understood what my mother was thinking when she made the decision to leave.”

"Then, I met you."

The ends of Chen Jinzhi's hair were lifted by the wind, brushing against the delicate collarbone exposed by her neckline.

"Perhaps fate was kind, thinking that this would make me smarter, but who knew that after all these years I still hadn't made any progress.

I always easily misunderstand your little bit of pity as love, and arrogantly think that I have to give you a thousand times the love. So I chase you and give you my heart with all the hardship.

You always forget how much my heart is worth.

Every word of her confession was heart-wrenching, as if she was telling the life story of a rose, from slowly blooming to withering in a moment.

Su Chengyi couldn't remember the last time Chen Jin showed such a fragile expression, or maybe she had never felt as hopeless as she did now.

Giving people hope and then extinguishing it with one's own hands is indeed the most cruel thing.

Chen Jinzhi didn't seem to be waiting for his answer, nor did she need his comfort. She just continued:
"But I can still give everything for you now."

Having said that, she paused slightly, as if she suddenly thought of something, and raised her eyes to look at Su Chengyi.

"Yes, if you don't want my heart, then what about my life?

If you want my life, I will give it to you."

Her eyes were serious and she was obviously not joking.

The weight contained in these words was so heavy that Su Chengyi felt like there was something stuck in his throat. He tried to open his mouth several times but couldn't say anything.

Because this is more like a signal of separation than a confession.

The implication was clear, that she could still give him everything, including life.

Except for her love, except for staying by his side.

"Su Chengyi."

Chen Jinzhi looked at him and spoke softly.

"During these days of waiting for you, my tears have probably dried up a long time ago. You will never understand how it feels.

So, I hope you will endure all the pain and sorrow after leaving me."

As soon as she finished speaking, she smiled softly.

"I was just kidding. I wish you well."

Suddenly, Su Chengyi's memory went back, and he briefly flashed back to the moment when she had played a trick on him like a little fox, instead of this moment of farewell with no room for maneuver.

"sorry."

After a while, Su Chengyi pressed his aching heart, raised his head and said.

However, I will not give up.

After a long while, he asked word by word:

"If. Would you?"

"Let me go please."

Chen Jinzhi spoke in a soft voice, and her eyelashes trembled slightly when she looked up at him.

After a while, she suddenly raised her hand, and lightly traced his features with her cool fingertips, as if she wanted to memorize his features.

The two people's eyes met for the first time in a long time, and they were within earshot of each other.

Today, Chen Jinzhi still had the most familiar scent of fresh tea after the rain. Su Chengyi looked into her eyes, her words "let go" that seemed to have used up all her strength echoing in his ears.

The mountain wind blew between the two people, carrying the heartbreak and sadness in the lovers' eyes into the valley, never to return.

The fluttering kite finally flew away from his hands.

The red string is broken, and the bright mirror is cracked.

The morning dew dries up, and the fragrance fades away.

Song of the White-haired Girl, sad about separation, eat more and don’t miss me.

The Jinshui River flows smoothly, and I bid you farewell forever.

(End of this chapter)