The Spirit World

Chapter 742 My Other Life [Chang Yinglan]
My mother may have understood long ago that at the end of her life, there might only be a short period of time left to reminisce.

That was the time when I would go to the fields all day long to catch those unknown little insects.

My mother's illness is very torturous. It is the kind of disease that causes a strange itch on the body. The more itchy it is, the more painful it is. When it occurs, one can only grit one's teeth and endure it. There is no prescription to treat it. The only remedy is to stay in a cooler place, or to prevent the anger in one's heart from causing the itch. The more itchy it is, the more painful it is.

That's why I was able to have a relatively comfortable time. Yes, I enjoyed the time when my mother came to the countryside for treatment more than she did, because I could finally leave that small yard. That yard carried my nightmares, perhaps endless nightmares, so I wanted to escape.

When I truly escaped, I was able to truly feel a little bit of breeze, a little bit of family affection, and a little bit of tranquility emanating from my heart.

The wind in the fields blew my hair, the wild grasses that I could not name stroked my waist, and the animals that I had never seen walked past me one by one, carrying a strong rural atmosphere, making me feel not the slightest bit of the emptiness and loneliness in that yard.

I get to deal with those farmers every day. The gurgling sounds and burping sounds they make when drinking are always different from those of my father. Or rather, my father never burps, and never laughs heartily after drinking a glass of hot wine. I always watch those farmers and farm women laugh from the bottom of their hearts.

I asked them, why do you work all day and still laugh so happily? Don't you feel tired or bored?
They thought the question was very interesting, or maybe it was a long-standing frustration, or maybe they thought I was really just a child, a young lady wearing gorgeous clothes, rather than a real farmer's daughter, so they could still talk to me with a smile.

Of course you will be tired, young lady, but is there anything more joyful in this world than drinking a bottle of good wine after hard work?
I thought it made sense at the time, but now I feel that it doesn’t make that much sense, or maybe in the future, I probably won’t be able to appreciate that much sense.

Because if they had seen the fine wines in my collection, or even the wine glasses that were worth a glass of fine wine that had been treasured for a hundred years, they might no longer think that the wine they made from the food grown in their own farmland or the wine sold in the small shop for a few gold coins was tasty.

But after all, they have rarely seen it, so the wine that is right in front of them is delicious, and it can only taste like that. But after all, I don’t know how to taste wine, and I can’t tell the value of any wine. But my father’s collection of wine, probably, perhaps, or really is better than those fine wines that cost a few gold coins.

Even one drop of my father's wine should be enough for a farmer's food for a year.

This should also be the reason why the wine is so delicious.

But after all, it is very rare for me to see farmers in the fields tasting the fine wines my father collected, and it is also very rare for me to see my father saying to the farmers’ wine: “Look! The finest wine in the world!”

Every day I come to the fields seems to be as delicious as fine wine.

I caught frogs and crickets in the fields, caught the big fish that I raised in the fields, ran with my dogs, and played and frolicked with those who were willing and dared to make friends with me. I did much more than this.

Or maybe, what I did was much crazier than this: I tied up my pants to cover my skirt, I rolled up the sleeves of my skirt, I held the hairpin that I had worn since I was a child in my hand, and I ran in the fields like a real farmer's daughter. I was as crazy as a child, and you would never imagine that I could once be treated like a child.

The old people who were resting in the fields looked up and smiled at me, their smiles were kind and amiable. The adults who were working in the fields smiled at me, their smiles were doting. The children who were playing in the fields like me smiled at me, their smiles were as silly as mine.

I was always covered in mud while playing. I had no idea what I was playing, or what the point was in catching and putting the fish back. I had no idea what the meaning was in crossing those earthen dams and then crossing over them again. I had no idea what the reward was for racing with the dogs.

But I always smile happily. I don’t know why I am happy. Maybe it’s because I am indeed a child, so I always smile like a child when doing these things.

I have everything that others may not have, but I feel that they also have everything that I don't have, but we can't compare because this is just my one-sided opinion. I know that many people want to take my father's place, and many people also want to take my place.

Yes, someone would try to replace the daughter of a concubine, because being my father's daughter seems to mean I can have everything.

I don't know if I can have it, but I never have it.

During that time, I met Big Dog and Second Dog. Big Dog was a dog and Second Dog was a little boy.

When Ergou had to go to work with his farmer father, he could not run with me in the fields, so Dagou became my playmate. However, Dagou was not a substitute for Ergou, because Dagou was obviously closer to me than Ergou.

It is a yellow spotted dog with a black spot on its right eye and a small tail with a yellow background and white edges.

The big dog is not very big, just a little one. It always circles around me. I will gently stroke its little tail, and its head which always smiles at me. It is so weird because of the spot on its right eye. I always laugh when I see it, and laugh happily, as if I have seen something too funny.

It always circles around me, raising its left leg once and its right leg the next time. If it weren't so small, I would have thought it was a dancing war horse. This is obviously the posture of a horse. I was surprised why the big dog would imitate the posture of a horse. Ergou said that the big dog was the son of a horse.

Because Big Dog grew up in a horse trough, but the horse stored in the countryside had left. It should have been a real war horse, but because it sprained its foot on the battlefield, its owner came to the countryside for recuperation. Big Dog, the son of the horse, died due to dystocia when the dog gave birth to Big Dog. It was said that he was kicked to death by the horse, or by a human, or that Big Dog's mother was taken away by a wolf in the mountains.

Anyway, the big dog never knew that he was a dog. He lived with a horse on the battlefield and always acted like that horse. When he lifted his front legs and jumped up with his hind legs, he always neighed like a horse, but he could only bark twice to attract people's pity. The horse that threw off its owner must have been of a strong temperament, otherwise it would not have neighed for a long time. The neighing of a horse spread to the countryside, big and small, and it might really be a new thing. However, horses should go to the grasslands and the fields, not to the manger. No matter how good a thousand-mile horse is, it should not be in a manger. Horses should be allowed to run. Only those that can run and run a thousand miles are called thousand-mile horses, not horses that are born to be called thousand-mile horses.

I once thought very cruelly that the mother dog of the big dog was kicked to death by the fierce horse.

I don't know why I had such horrible thoughts.

Maybe it's because I think the big dog's life story is too fantastical, or too pitiful, or even worse, I think the big dog and the horse need such a horribly distorted bond to connect them, so it's natural for the horse to take care of the big dog.

But I have never seen the war horse, nor the mother dog of the big dog. I have only seen the cute big dog, so I need to find a pitiful life story for the big dog, so that I can love it more, or really treat it as my dog.

As the daughter of the city lord, I have no right to keep a dog.

I was also kept in a small yard, ready to belong to someone else at any time - a man I had never seen before: handsome or ugly, old or young, with a strong temperament or a gentle one.

I really shouldn't sympathize with other animals, perhaps because I myself am the one who needs sympathy, so when the big dog can really accompany me, I cherish that time especially.

As long as Big Dog and Second Dog were with me, my mother's illness got much better. But the better my mother's illness got, the sooner they would need to leave me.

It happened so fast that I was a little dazed. Before I had time to cry, I just stared blankly at Ergou holding Dagou in the carriage on the way home.

They had never seen such a gorgeous carriage frame. The gold and silver inserts on the carriage always sparkled in the sun, and also made people working in the fields rush to see my mother, the concubine of the city lord, in panic.

But Big Dog and Little Dog didn't. Because I used to run and play with them in the fields as an equal, but now, I am sitting in a golden and silver carriage, staring at them blankly.

They also looked at me blankly, and then I realized that they had thought about treating me equally, but I could only remain speechless. On the carriage on the way back, I saw a little yellow dog next to me that imitated the neighing of a war horse. It circled around me, one circle, raising its front legs, and another circle, raising its hind legs, and I started laughing.

It wagged its tail and I clapped my hands and sang.

I once sang to it a nursery rhyme that my mother taught me.

[Little~child~
Little~child~
You~just~sleep~quietly~
The moon is bright and quiet.
Little kid, little kid

Could you please stop missing that field at night.

Little kid, little kid

Could you please stop missing that majestic horse?

It will surround you and accompany you throughout your small and beautiful childhood.

Little kid, little kid

I always want to stay in that time, but it is too short.

Just like Ergou died alone, I returned to the village again and saw Ergou, who was not really old, but was tanned by the sun. The hard work in the fields made him like his father. The bright light in his eyes dissipated, disappeared, and turned into nothing.

When I mentioned the big dog, he shook his head and said he had no impression of it, because at that time, when I followed my mother to this village, I was the only one playing with the stray dog. Just like now, I was the only one who really cared about where it was.

But the big dog died after all. A dog's lifespan is not long enough to begin with, and what's more, there is no one to look after it. Even the strongest dog can't survive without food and water.

Perhaps the big dog was smarter. It knew to eat other people's leftovers while wandering. It knew that if it could no longer stay in this village, it should go to another village. It knew that it could wag its tail to beg from others so as not to starve to death.

When I heard the news of Dagou's death from Ergou, I finally understood Dagou's clumsiness.

Ergou said that after I left, the little yellow dog I called Big Dog refused to eat anything because of depression. It always stood in the south, in the direction where my golden carriage left, in a daze. Maybe it really understood my feelings for it, and also understood its own feelings for me. So it ended its life with a howl.

Because I really didn't come back.

So I began to recall the life story of this little dog who was raised by a horse.

I began to pray again that what I heard from Ergou's dry mouth about Dagou's tragic life was not true.

I began to worry again that my big dog must have gone to another village to look for me.

I began to fantasize again that the big dog that could become a war horse grew into a real war horse that could gallop across the fields.

It held its head high and chest out, raised its front hooves, and looked at me as if showing off. Its strong front hooves were raised, and its strong hind hooves were raised, and it truly became a war horse that could go to the battlefield. Its head high and chest out no longer made me laugh, but made me proud, with tears of pride in my eyes.

When I returned to that small courtyard as the city lord's daughter, I also fantasized about my life.

I need someone who can save me to appear by my side and pull me out of this cruel life. Even if it means my internal organs are broken into pieces, I am willing to do so.

But I can't ask for death, how can a good person ask for death. But I have thought about death, if my father really wants to marry me to an old man, I will definitely choose to die generously.

A woman’s miserable life may be caused by marrying the wrong person.

That is why people would unconditionally bless the newlyweds, hoping that they will support each other in the days to come.

Because the adults who have lost their love can only wish the couple to respect each other, rather than having a passionate love that lasts forever and to the ends of the earth.

But, what I can really understand, what is clear, it feels like my heart and liver are trembling, getting married and having children, taking care of the husband and raising the children, and becoming a mother-in-law.

Racing against time without love.

It will end your life and cause you a lifetime of pain.

Become a woman in the eyes of others.

So, I couldn't refuse, and the white horse named Big Dog took me away.

Perhaps I don't need to be like other women, especially like my mother, who was married to my father by my grandmother.

I need a white horse that will circle around me, carrying the hundred-day dream that I can only think about in the small yard, running towards the golden fields, running towards the green in my dreams.

Running towards my other life.

(End of this chapter)