The Spirit World

Chapter 743 Begonia Flower [Changyinglan]

In my world, I clearly no longer have the power to resist.

I can only wait for my husband who will eventually come every day in my little courtyard full of despair.

For me, this is nothing more than standing in the yard every day, watching the birds flying in the sky, leaving my sky one by one.

My sky is only as big as that small yard. I am like a frog sitting in a well. I can only see the world inside the well at all times.

The sky has clouds, soaring birds, romantic butterflies, diving green carps, flowers and weeds, majestic trees, and thunder.

The sky owns the earth, but it cannot own me...

I never owned them either.

I count the stars one by one on the ground, and the stars on the ground will respond to me quietly.

They shine brightly, and they really make me realize that I don’t have nothing.

At least, I still have this piece of stars under the only sky.

I don’t like the moon very much, because it is hard to see the moon in my small yard. It is not as numerous as the stars, so it will not stay in my yard like the stars.

So I don't really like it.

This is why I am so reluctant to face the night. Even though the stars shine in the night, the moon is the light in the night.

Without the stars, the sky can still be blue, but if you lose the moon, the night sky will only be dark.

There is rarely a moon in my sky, so I can only pray that the stars don't leave me.

It seems that there is no daytime in my life anymore, because the arrival of daytime always means horror. For me, I long for everything in my little yard to stay in the night.

Because I am afraid that one day in a certain year, when the day comes, I will get married.

I would marry a husband whom I have never met, or die in a wedding procession.

I am not as eager to get married as other girls, or rather, I have not met my Mr. Right...

I think if I had stayed in that small yard, I would never have met him in my life.

I have seen carriages made of gold and silver, red wedding dresses, tall horses and large sedan chairs, and all the items required for a wedding, all thanks to an elder sister.

This sister is not my biological sister. She married a man she had never met. Like me, she owns a small yard with flowers she planted with her own hands. Those flowers are bright and beautiful, and are called crabapples.

When the crabapple blossoms, there is a light fragrance. She is not my father's daughter, so she has the right to move around. She has come to my yard once or twice, and each time she brought her crabapple flowers.

The first time, she and I were still young. I had just returned from the countryside. My mother's illness had improved a little, so I left the countryside. I told her the story of Big Dog and Er Gou in the countryside.

We laughed together at Ergou's naivety, and we shed tears together for Dagou's life experience. This is how it is when we are young. Before we have time to cry for ourselves, we have already cried for others.

I told the story excitedly and she sat beside me and listened quietly. She said I was like a boy, running wildly in the fields, behaving like a boy.

In fact, I am not like a boy at all. I just think it would be a pity if I was the only one who knew the joy in the fields.

Or, I want to tell my sister that there are so many interesting things in this world, not just her crabapple flowers.

Instead of just quietly learning the rules of being a good wife and mother, learning to be submissive, learning to run in small steps, and learning to be a man's wife.

That shouldn't be the life that my sister and I, and millions of other girls, have.

We have another life to choose.

But of course I might just really think that running in the fields is joyful, so I talked about it excitedly, making my sister, who had never seen a field, shake her head and could only listen to my words and slowly begin to look forward to it.

In fact, I don’t know whether my sister has any aspirations or not. This is just what I think for her. It may be her feeling.

Because I only saw my elder sister twice, once was when I came back from the countryside and she came to see me with a small basket of crabapples, and the other time was when she got married.

My elder sister is very petite. Although she is two years older than me, she was not much taller than me at that time.

She always had a peaceful face, just like my mother, who was always virtuous and quiet, and my elder sister was always virtuous and quiet. Except for the crabapple flowers in her small basket, it seemed that everything on her body no longer belonged to her.

She told me about the music she had learned from the music school. If she could learn it, she could always let her future husband rest in the quiet music of the piano while serving him.

She told me about the special skills she learned from her mother. Actually, after thinking about it, I still have no idea what her mother's special skills mean, and I don't know why she was embarrassed when she talked about this special skill.

She said it was a perfect way to serve her future husband.

I don't understand and I can't hear it.

I could only listen blankly, unable to say a word.

Because I didn’t know who my sister’s husband was at that time. My sister herself didn’t know either.

I do not know.

I don't know if my sister's husband would like the piano she was talking about.

I do not know.

I don’t know if Sister’s husband would like her blushing stunt.

I don't even know who my sister's husband is.

Because my sister's husband is always so mysterious, I can't find out and I have never heard my sister talk about him.

I can only guess that my sister's husband would like the rhythm of the piano she played and the special skills she talked about.

When my sister left my small yard, she left the lingering fragrance of her crabapple flowers in my yard. She returned to her own small yard, where there were also crabapple flowers.

All the loneliness and solitude came again, and I began to really care about those crabapples.

But I don't have the right to plant flowers.

My father's daughter has no right to plant flowers.

Those crabapples died in my yard, just like everything I owned, everything I thought of my sister... would wither away endlessly.

From bright flowers withered into bloody mud.

Fortunately, as I grow older, I can really do what I can in that small yard full of despair.

I can finally read and write, and finally I can write and draw something with pen and ink.

But it seems too late. I did not learn much under the teacher's guidance. I can read, but I don't have the talent for painting.

My drawings are crooked and always bad.

But I never get tired of it because it is my only pleasure.

I drew my big dog. The big dog was so silly that I almost forgot what he looked like. I could only draw him according to my idea of ​​how he should look, with small ears, big spots, a small tail, and the posture of the big dog holding his head high like a war horse.

There is also Ergou, with his big watery eyes, small nose, and that face that always has a blush on it.

I was really cruel. I actually forgot what they looked like and could only draw them crookedly.

People don’t look like people, and dogs don’t look like dogs.

But I still painted them with the most sincere feelings.

Although it was not perfect, I had dreamed of them and hoped that they would dream of me.

I have never dreamed of my elder sister, nor have I ever painted her. I have only met her once.

She has her little yard, and I have mine.

She has her crabapple tree, and I have my painting scroll.

It's just that she no longer belongs to her, but I can still slowly find myself.

I look forward to my future. The more I look forward to it, the more desperate I become.

And the elder sister longed for her husband, the more she longed for him, the better it was.

Maybe my sister and I were born to be two different people and no longer have a common language.

On the day she got married, I was lucky enough to leave my small courtyard again. I met my brothers and my elder sister. She was too beautiful, no, or maybe it was her makeup that was too beautiful, her bright red wedding dress was too beautiful, and her tall horse and gold and silver carriage was too beautiful.

That's why she is beautiful.

She is so beautiful, I don’t recognize her.

She seemed to have never been herself, so much so that I once suspected that I was no longer myself.

I also finally understood why girls dress up so beautifully when they get married. Perhaps dressing up is for the one you truly love. Giving your life to a beloved man is perhaps the happiest thing in a woman's life.

So the festive red dress, festive makeup, and beauty no longer belong to yourself.

But she had never seen her husband. It seemed as if there were mountains and seas between her elder sister's home and her elder sister's husband's home.

I actually know why my sister married so far away, because my father owns many peach orchards there.

Peach orchard produces peach trees, peach trees bear peaches, and peaches can be exchanged for money.

The peach orchard there needs my father, and my father also needs the peach orchard there.

My sister doesn't need a peach orchard, nor can she own one, but on the land there, the owner of the peach orchard needs a concubine.

A concubine just like my mother.

So my elder sister married him.

I also never knew where my elder sister married...because I really couldn't verify it.

I no longer recognize my sister.

Because when she got married, she was wearing makeup and a red wedding dress.

It is impossible for her to wear this kind of makeup and wedding dress all the time, so in my memory, the sister who left the crabapple blossoms in my yard has become too vague, and only her when she got married remains.

But in the end, she could only wear ordinary clothes and live an ordinary life.

There is nothing wrong with this. I mean, if she didn't marry as a concubine, if she just married a fruit farmer, there would be nothing wrong with it...

I realized the tragedy of my mother.

I then clearly realized my sister's tragedy.

I even had a premonition of the tragedy that I would get married two years later.

Because I am only two years younger than my sister.

My elder sister got married, and two years later, it was my turn.

I often miss my elder sister without any conscience. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't have anticipated the tragedy of my marriage.

Maybe it’s the son of another city lord who needs a wife, or maybe it’s the son of a chamber of commerce president who needs a wife.

I even heard my elder sister say that fortunately for me, I am my father's daughter, the daughter of a city lord, and I will not become someone else's concubine, but only his legitimate wife.

But I don’t understand, if a man has a concubine, how can his wife be happy…

Fortunately for what?
What can be lucky?
So when my elder sister got married, I could only watch her golden and silver carriage leave slowly and quietly, just like my elder sister.

I really didn't feel sad at all, not only because of my increasingly clear despair, but also because of my sympathy and pity for my sister.

I am not my own sister, nor am I anyone's sister.

I am who I am.

I finally understood this truth.

I am who I am.

I must truly resist. I can no longer fantasize about the white horse in my dreams. I can no longer fantasize that my father will have a change of heart. I can no longer fantasize that all the hurt will be erased by myself.

I can only remind myself all the time.

Only by fighting can I truly get a new life.

Only by taking real action to fight can I really get a new life that belongs to me...

Not this small yard, not a husband who has never been seen, not a little girl who dares not face the arrival of the day.

I'm cultivating the realization that I've grown up, and I've realized that I have to grow up.

I no longer live the terrible dream of not having to grow up and get married, and I no longer hope that someone will appear in my life who can save me.

I started facing myself.

I began to truly face things that I had never thought about or done before.

I need to escape, escape from this shackles, escape from this small courtyard where there is only darkness forever.

I no longer see the stars, I am no longer just a frog, I need to get out of this well, I need the moon.

I need to see!
The moon belongs to me!

On the day my elder sister got married, I met my second brother.

My second brother was always nice to me. When he saw that I looked sad, he asked me if I missed my elder sister.

I shook my head and said no.

Because I really didn't do that, I was able to tell the truth in front of my second brother.

I have never seen my sister who is not my cousin, who is not my father's daughter, many times. So she seems to be just like any other passer-by in my life.

Only.

I don't even think of her with a hint of sadness, even though I'm aware of the tragedy she may have had in her life.

At least, she could comfort herself.

She always comforts herself.

Humans are always good at comforting themselves.

She serves her husband, and when she serves her husband well, her husband, whom she has never met, will be good to her.

I no longer remember what my elder sister looked like. Maybe in the city where she lives, the woman carrying a basket of crabapple flowers is her.

She passed me hurriedly, and I thought she must know me, because I had never married in front of her, never put on heavy makeup, and never wore a bright red wedding dress in front of her.

In this way, she should be able to recognize me without changing.

Or maybe they really won’t recognize me anymore.

She left in a hurry and no news of her could be found in this world.

She might also plant some crabapples.

The crabapple trees in her small yard have died.

She planted it in her current small yard.

It is still a crabapple tree and it is still a small courtyard.

She belongs to Begonia.

But Haitang doesn't belong to her.

In fact, the typos appeared because I deleted incorrectly, or I was visually fatigued during the modification and editing and couldn’t find it for a while...

There will be many more chapters about Chang Yinglan, which is the core of this book.

Chang Yufeng refers to the growth of personal consciousness, allegorical warnings and life philosophy.

Then Chang Yinglan represents more choices and life situations of individual females.

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(End of this chapter)