Am I being simulated by their love affair.

Chapter 96 Detachment
The sun began to set, and shadows gradually crept over the school building, stirring up the autumn wind, trying to manipulate the dim light to drive everyone out.

But there were two people sitting in the corner of the campus, like two dolls abandoned by their owners, not moving at all.

"How did Matsueda-san find out?"

Tomatsu Tomoka didn't care about the dust on her face and the dirt in her hair. She hugged her legs tightly and rested her chin on her knees.

The girl looked at the grass between them, where a sycamore leaf was held up on the tip of the grass.

"Actually, there's no need to guess." Matsueda Jun closed his eyes, feeling the rough, uneven, hard feel of a tree trunk behind him. "The screenshot of that posting history was leaked, and you didn't make any excuses. That already says a lot."

"And the guy the school hasn't found yet, the one who confessed his love outside the teaching building. If he were a student, he would definitely have gone into the building, and the surveillance cameras would have definitely captured him. That must have been someone you arranged, right?"

The girl nodded. "It's very simple. Just pay someone to wear a school uniform, sneak into the school, shout a few words, and leave."

"I've felt something was strange ever since they confessed their feelings to you." Matsueda Jun sighed, "That's not how you handle things at all."

"Listen to everyone's confession, then say something unpleasant to deliberately cause their dissatisfaction."

"He could have dealt with them quickly and tactfully, but he chose to wait until everyone's attention was focused before making sarcastic remarks about the audience."

It is natural for those who are particularly pleasing to draw out the darkness in people's hearts.

"After all, this Tomatsu Tomoka isn't you."

They are all excellent actors, and Jun Matsueda believes that Tomatsu Tomoka is more skilled than him - she can play the villain role so easily.

"Matsueda-san thought too highly of me. I could be a Tomatsu Tomoka like him," the girl said, looking down at the dirt on the tips of her shoes. "On the boys' side, I posted a few key posts myself. On the girls' side, there were already quite a few who disliked me. I only needed to stir things up and many of them would jump out immediately."

"It's easier than I thought~" She smiled at the boy under the tree.

"Do you think that self-abuse will make me soft-hearted?" Jun Matsueda still didn't open his eyes. The eyes can see a lot of things, but sometimes there are too many things that the eyes can see.

So he didn't see the girl shook her head, "No, I just wanted to punish myself. I didn't intend to use this to make Matsueda-san look at me more."

"Because I have a hunch too. I can't hide it from you for long." The girl stuck out her tongue.

"When did it start?" she began to ask herself.

"Before the Tokyo Metropolitan Assembly, I prayed to God, praying that there would be a chance for you to change your mind. I am willing to give everything to make it up to you."

"But the gods didn't respond to me."

A beetle climbed onto the sycamore leaf at the tip of the grass. The golden leaf could not bear the weight and began to bend and deform, then sank into the grass.

"So you want to punish yourself?" Matsueda Jun's eyelashes trembled slightly.

"I don't want this to happen either." Tomatsu Tomoka's tone became confused. "I really want to do something for you to express my regret."

The girl's voice trembled in the wind. "But you're like a perfect wall. How can I make it up to you?"

"Matsueda-san has his own life and his own goals, and everyone is watching you achieve them step by step."

"Other people would just go around this wall, but I wanted to go through it."

"Your actions have shown me that Matsueda Jun doesn't need Tomatsu Tomoka in his life."

"We are all weak people. We need each other's warmth to live happily. But Matsueda-san is just one person, yet so powerful. I can't do anything except be pierced by your light and cry."

Tomatsu Tomoka buried her head between her legs, letting her tears silently drip onto the lawn.

"So I started praying for God's punishment, but unfortunately, God neither blessed me nor punished me. So I had no choice but to become my own god."

Jun Matsueda opened his eyes and stood up, walking in front of Tomatsu Tomoka. The girl still had her head buried, looking a little funny.

"To be honest, seeing your current situation, I'm not as happy as I thought."

"We didn't really gain anything, we just became two people whose lives were worse off."

What the girls did was just hurting each other in disguise.

The dead beetles crushed by the soles of shoes left dirty body fluids on the dead leaves.

"But I feel better now." Tomatsu Tomoka raised her head and said, "This is the punishment I deserve, isn't it?"

"That's how it should be. Tomatsu Tomoka deserves it."

"Matsueda-san, I'm beginning to experience everything you've gone through. Where you suffer, I suffer; where you endure, I endure. When I think of this, my heart calms down."

"It's a bit regrettable that the corridors we once walked through with laughter are now covered with so many bad memories."

"And this grassy area." The girl finally stood up. "We used to stand here and chat when we were recruiting new members."

"I'm a little angry. Is this what it feels like to have beautiful and precious pieces destroyed? I think I understand Matsueda-san more and hate myself even more."

Tomatsu Tomoka smiled, and the tears in the corners of her eyes blurred the dividing line between sadness and happiness.

"That's enough, stop it," Matsueda said. "Those who care about you don't want to see you destroy yourself like this."

The girl shook her head.

"That's not enough. I'm the one who hurt you. I should be in more pain than you and in a worse situation than before!"

"I should be the one who is doomed!"

Her smile grew wider and her tears flowed more violently.

Jun Matsueda raised his right hand and slapped Tomatsu Tomoka in the face.

With a clear and loud sound, the girl fell to the grass again.

"Does it make you feel good to give up everything?" Matsueda Jun's tone was grim. This slap should have been given long ago.

Tomatsu Tomoka stared blankly at the boy's trouser leg in front of her, on which were stuck a few blades of grass.

"Why do you think I came out to find you? Why did I say these things to you?" Matsueda Jun's voice became louder.

"I struggled all the way here. Why should you just give up after you walked into this mess?"

"Just try to struggle for me! Is self-harm so great?"

He took a step forward, Tomatsu Tomoka retracted his legs, and frowned in pain.

Soon, Jun Matsueda realized his loss of composure, took a long, deep breath, and regained his composure.

"Giving up is easy, Tomatsu-kun. Giving up everything, not caring about anything, is a refreshing feeling, like poison that's hard to get rid of."

“It’s easy to learn not to care, but learning to care requires a hundred times more effort and courage.”

"Then what can I do!!" Tomatsu Tomoka's voice was hoarse with tears in her eyes.

"I asked you to let me get close to you and compensate you, but you didn't allow me. Now I want to punish myself, but you don't agree. What do you want me to do?!" The girl supported herself on the ground with her hands, digging deep into the grass, her nails filled with dirt.

"Do you really have to make me stay away from you like a puppet and pretend that everything is the same as before and nothing has happened?!"

“I like you!!”

“How could I possibly do that!!!”

The girl did not shout at Matsueda Jun, but looked down at the ground. The grass leaves on the ground would shake because of her shouting, but she no longer expected that this would move Matsueda Jun's heart.

"That's why I'm standing here." Before Tomatsu Yuka could understand what he meant, Matsueda Jun squatted down. "Your foot is injured?"

The girl nodded subconsciously, "It must have been twisted when I was pushed down earlier."

He reached out his hand, but the girl's legs retracted. This was a habit she developed to avoid arousing suspicion from Jun Matsueda.

Jun Matsueda grabbed her calf and pressed his thumb on her ankle, causing the girl to groan in pain.

Instead of trying to relieve the girl's pain, he pressed hard with his thumb. Tomatsu Tomoka screamed in pain and kicked out with her other leg reflexively.

Jun Matsueda grabbed the girl's other leg with his left hand, while his right hand kept moving, his tone very cold.

"If you can't even bear this little bit of pain, how can you bear the intensified bullying afterwards? If I hadn't come out before, do you think you would be better off than you are now?"

"Let go." Tomatsu Tomoka's voice was weak with pain, and Matsueda Jun released her grip.

The girl used her hands and feet to crawl a little further on the grass, then turned around and stared at him with the eyes of a little animal.

"Open your system panel and take a look." Jun Matsueda stood up.

Tomatsu Tomoka was stunned. She hadn't opened that annoying thing for a long time. She called the system in her heart.

It’s still that useless panel, the annoying “temporary user 1” and the damn favorability.

and many more.

Tomatsu Tomoka rubbed her eyes to make sure she was not dizzy.

Favorability 38.

It levitated.

"What's the favorability?" asked Jun Matsueda.

Thirty-eight

Before asking Tomatsu Tomoka, he didn't know how much he liked the girl.

Everyone's heart is extremely chaotic. It can be deeper than the eighteen levels of hell and higher than the clouds in the sky.

Jun Matsueda didn't want to be entangled in his heart, so he chose to contact Tomatsu Tomoka before making a decision.

Thirty-eight? More than an ordinary passerby, less than a superficial friend?

"Don't think it's because you were bullied this time. No one feels good about seeing someone self-harming in front of them."

Yukata, fireworks, okonomiyaki, saxophone, these are the reasons.

Tomatsu Yuka came back to her senses, "What did Matsueda-san mean by saying this to me?"

The girl has always been smart, but now she has become stupid.

If you want to forgive someone, you have to get at least a passing score of 60, right?
"Think about it yourself." Matsueda Jun turned and was about to leave, but Tomatsu Tomoka immediately stopped him.

"Wait a minute!" Matsueda Jun turned around and the girl moved closer to him. "I can't walk anymore."

Tomatsu Tomoka lay on the boy's back. The girl took a deep breath. It was a long-lost touch. She had thought that she could only experience it once in her life.

"Don't do anything disgusting on my back." Matsueda Jun warned her, and the girl smiled silently.

The two were walking in the corridor on the first floor. The transparent windows stretched all the way, and outside the windows was the sunset withering on the horizon.

Matsueda Jun's deformed shadow was magnified and elongated, leaving a curved and narrow mark on the wall.

"Matsueda-san." The girl leaned over and whispered in his ear, "Thank you for giving me another chance."

The boy carrying the girl on his back didn't say anything. He walked step by step in the long corridor, a road he had walked so many times that he couldn't remember how many times he had walked it.

Before going to bed last night, Jun Matsueda called Yamami Moki.

"Yamami-senpai, isn't it cruel to give others hope without guaranteeing its realization?"

"Why do you ask me this question?" Yamami Moki was standing on the balcony on the top floor of the villa, a little surprised.

"Because you're probably the most normal person I know."

The girl laughed happily. "That kind of reason? I need to think about it carefully."

"If it were me, I would rather have a sliver of hope, even if it's impossible."

"why?"

"Because this way my life might get better. If I don't see hope, I don't know how bad a person I would become."

No matter how long the corridor is, it will eventually come to an end. The setting sun had already fallen behind Matsueda Jun, and he watched his shadow stretch into the darkness.

Humans are truly complex creatures, and the differences between us are truly immense. Even if some can foresee their entire lives, they will still find themselves plunged into endless suffering for a tiny sliver of happiness. Others, having already foreseen the end, stubbornly refuse to give up, hoping to change it.

The simplest thing in this world is to live indifferently. Once you start to care about others, no matter how small the action is, it requires great courage.

"Tomoka Tomatsu, I won't be responsible for your life. If many years later you regret that your youth was ruthlessly deceived, don't use my honesty today as an excuse."

The girl nodded silently on his back. She knew what the boy meant. Matsueda Jun just came to tell her that his favorability towards her had increased.

"You should be thankful that I met you so early. If I had met you two years later, whether someone like you lived or died would be none of my business."

The human heart is not a sophisticated machine. Even if the wrong method is used, the lock will loosen due to repeated reckless collisions.

All we can say is that the girl was lucky because she met Jun Matsueda early on, so she was able to get this glimmer of hope.

"Matsueda-san, I hope that even if you forgive me in the future, you won't tell me."

"why?"

"Because this way I won't have to worry about whether you can ever forgive me, and I can always have the courage to get close to you."

Matsueda Jun scoffed at this and said, "Don't tell me forever in the future. Forever is just an unrealistic fantasy."

The two entered the dark corridor and found the health room just behind the corner.

"Don't hug my neck." Matsueda Jun pinched the girl's ankle and she cried out in pain.

Tomatsu Tomoka put her hands on Matsueda Jun's shoulders and looked at the back of the boy's head.

Even though you don't believe it, I hope I can always have the courage to look at your light and keep going.

　This chapter has 4000 words and may be revised later.

　　Many of the psychological details are those mentioned before, such as how to view mutual harm, and the choices in "Arrival" and "Detachment".

　　Let's briefly discuss Tomatsu's character. She's a very capable learner, as evidenced by her academic achievements and musical talent, and also by her character. Once she realizes something is wrong, she immediately avoids it. However, there's a difference between how you act and how you think. Reflecting on and admitting mistakes is useless if you only talk about it verbally, which is why I wrote before that forgiveness is a long and tortuous process.

　　What Matsue did this time was to give Tomatsu a glimmer of hope and pull her back before she teetered on the brink of collapse (and incidentally wake her up). Of course, his attitude towards Tomatsu would no longer be as evasive as before; he would confront his own heart with the help of the system (favorability).

　　For a person with a conscience, changing someone else's life is not a simple matter. That's why Matsueda was conflicted about it before, but he ultimately took that step, and you could say that his life was slightly distorted as a result.

　　
　
(End of this chapter)