Love in Cthulhu

Chapter 29 I am a monster!

Surprisingly, Jian Xi did not show any anger. She spoke so calmly, without the slightest fluctuation, as if she were just reading a story from a book that had nothing to do with her.

But she kept looking at Zhou Nan, her dark but clear eyes always sparkling with bright light. At this moment, her pupils were dimmer than ever before, as if many, many things were about to overflow from them.

Zhou Nan realized he had let something slip.

He kept this lie to himself for several days. Every time he joked with Jian Xi to her face, he would feel so miserable that he wanted to die afterward. But after telling her the truth, he felt surprisingly relieved, and all the pent-up emotions in his chest were swept away.

"Will I die? Of course I will." Once those words were spoken, there was no going back. She wasn't stupid; no amount of comforting would work.

But he didn't want to go back to fooling himself anymore. The truth that Gan Tang told him was the final blow that broke down his psychological defenses. He wanted to deceive himself and the whole world, so he simply treated this monster as Jian Xi and pretended that Jian Xi was still alive, so that all the sadness would never have happened.

But he couldn't do it! He just couldn't. Obsessing over the past and being with the monster meant death, which completely extinguished his last glimmer of hope.

How much longer? How much longer are you going to deceive yourself? Jian Xi is dead! She's dead! Do you know what it means to be dead? It means she can't speak, can't move, can't call your name, can't ask you to go out and play, can't dance for you, can't do anything anymore, can't do anything anymore! How long will it take you to accept reality? Are you willing to risk your life to be with a monster, to hurt the years of feelings you and Jian Xi have shared?
The dam of emotions collapsed completely, and the torrents rushed down. Whether you liked it or hated it, all your words turned into the impulse to smash your head against this wall.

"Yes! I've never liked you! And it's impossible for me to like you! It was all a lie!"

He proudly raised his head. Since his fate of being eaten was already sealed, he might as well leave this world with no regrets.

"I like Jian Xi, not you, you monster, you understand? We were born in the same hospital, we lived in the same compound, our houses were separated by only one wall, and I've spent more than half of my life with her, more than with my family! If it weren't for this kind of fate, I would never have had such a close relationship with her. She's so beautiful and so fun-loving, any guy would like her, how could I not like her? Anyone who isn't blind would like her!"

The scene was so bizarre it was almost laughable. Jian Xi was right in front of him, yet he was telling her that he liked her, but she couldn't hear him.

"But I can't say it out loud. Her parents' business is so good, she doesn't care about money, she can give me anything. What can I give her? I have nothing. In terms of family background, I can't compare. In terms of personality, I'm just a repressed person. In terms of grades? Please, what university can I get into? Can I afford a house in the provincial capital that matches her family's before we get married? I can only look up to everything she has, you understand? She is like the bright moon in the basin of water I'm holding. I can look at her quietly, but if I reach out to her, she shatters into ripples."

He began to tell a very long story, plain as water, without complicated entanglements or anything unforgettable. It was just day after day, year after year, the boy and girl brushed past each other in the streets and alleys of this small county town, holding hands in the corners of that school campus, her swaying hair brushing against his shoulder, like spring flowers and autumn leaves sweeping away time.

Monster Jianxi listened quietly. Much of it was about experiences she knew, and some were about his secrets she didn't know. He had never told Jianxi any of these things. Jianxi couldn't understand why that seemingly thin layer of paper could never be broken through.

There was so much helplessness in those words buried deep in his heart. Even he himself hated this helplessness. Who would like someone who is constantly struggling and depleting himself?
But he couldn't help but struggle with himself. The more outstanding Jian Xi was, the more inferior he felt. His family was neither poor nor rich; they were just an ordinary family in a small county town. Even if he believed he could become a dragon, Jian Xi was already a phoenix.

Everyone likes Phoenix. After graduation, Jian Xi will have surgery, go to the provincial capital, go to university, and reunite with her family. A girl like that will have countless people who are more powerful than Tenglong who will like her and pursue her. Why should she give up her precious youth to gamble on an uncertain future?
So he could never bring himself to say it, even though Jianxi's mother had said those things to him a few days ago. At that moment, he was both delighted and shocked, his mind filled with thoughts of the future.

He thought that when he was going to marry Jian Xi, many powerful and ambitious men who had been longing for him came to support him, saying they wanted to see how awesome the groom was and how he could defeat them.

At the wedding, the emcee cheerfully read out the dowry, saying that there would be a set of three gold pieces, a luxury car, and two houses. Let's see what the groom's betrothal gifts are. Oh, sorry, the groom said that he didn't have any for now, but he would give them in a few years, and they would be even better than these. The venue was immediately filled with a joyful atmosphere and boos. Jian Xi, as always, patted his head and said domineeringly, "I've got your back!"

Cover my ass! You're not my sister, you're the person I love. I want to give you my best, but I have nothing. I'm afraid you can't wait.

Jian Xi never imagined that Zhou Nan's transformation into a top student was all because of her.

Before junior high school, his grades were actually quite average. The high school entrance exam completely killed his last bit of complacency. After entering high school, he had no interaction with classmates except for her, and he spent all his time doing practice problems.

That was the only thing he could offer. He wanted to shine brightly, to ride a white horse and bring her the ring back to find her. He would lift her onto the horse, dress her in a pure white wedding gown, and ride together on that familiar path by the river in spring.

He hadn't even had a chance to do anything before Jian Xi died inexplicably... not even giving him a chance to try.

It was at this moment that the monster returned, using her appearance, saying the words she loved to say, her eyebrows and eyes reflecting everything that had moved his heart, wanting to be with him.

"The person I like is Jian Xi, not you." He finished speaking softly, and then had nothing more to say. He just stared intently at Miss Monster, his eyes burning with a fierce light.

“But I have everything she has. She has never confessed to you, but I can.” Jian Xi paused. “And I can be better than her, and make you feel loved.”

"That's different. Just because you remember doesn't mean you experienced it. Memories are always vague; they are the present, not the past. The emotion of a certain day, the happiness of a certain day, the tears of a certain day—that's the real proof of having lived. Only by accumulating little by little can you finally create something called love."

"That's enough," Jian Xi said softly. "Don't say these things, I don't like it."

“You’ve never experienced it firsthand; you’re just an empty imitation of everything she does. You’re nothing more than a vessel wearing her skin, filled with her lingering memories, and you’ll never be able to taste what it’s really like…” Zhou Nan’s fearlessness had reached its peak, and he was about to say everything he had been holding back for so many days.

"I've said enough! Shut up!" Jian Xi roared hoarsely, veins throbbing on her forehead.

This action caused her beautiful face to crack, and her emotions became extremely unstable, making it impossible for her to maintain her physical state.

Thick, dark liquid seeped out of the pitch-black crack, as eerie and terrifying as a hatched insect egg. She quickly reached out and touched it, then stuffed it back in.

“You see, her face never falls down.”

These words, which sounded like both a complaint and a sarcasm, struck her heart like a knife. In an instant, her shadow began to wriggle, lifting him up into the air, her eyes flashing with a fierce light.

At this moment, she finally decided to stop trying to maintain her human girl appearance. In any case, no matter what she did, she was just a clown in his eyes. Her body was somewhere between melting and flowing, like a Venus statue that had been half-melted. You could still see the girl's natural beauty, but the other half was a terrifying and hateful monster. The unprecedented pain almost tore Zhou Nan's head apart.

"Did I say something wrong? Why are you so furious?" Zhou Nan actually chuckled softly, coughing up a mouthful of black blood.

He could feel himself slowly suffocating, the black, flowing shadows pouring into every hole in his body like insects trying to burrow in and bite, but he was no longer afraid of death, nothing mattered anymore, and his heart was more resolute than ever before.

“This is your last chance. You can still beg me now.” As she spoke, she plunged a writhing shadow into his brain. “If this place is damaged, I can’t save you. I told you, I can share this secret with you, as long as you don’t go too far.” “Stop talking nonsense and do it.”

"Really?" She chuckled. "You think I'll only kill you? Your sister, everyone you and Jian Xi know, everyone in this city—I won't let a single one of them go! I'll devour them all, one by one!"

"Do you think I can stop you just because I'm alive? Whatever you want to do, can I stop you? Anyway, I'll die before them, so I won't feel any pain."

"Zhou Nan!"

Until the very last moment, she was still using Jian Xi's habit. Jian Xi would only call his name loudly once when she was really angry. Whenever that happened, he knew he should soften up and say some nice things to soothe her little emotions.

But this time it was no use saying anything. Thousands of shadows rose up, turning into sharp needles, enough to pierce every part of his body, hanging him high like the execution of heretics in the Middle Ages. Her face was so distorted that it no longer resembled a human.

Zhou Nan thought to himself, "That's it. I've said everything I needed to say. I've told Jian Xi all I like about my feelings. I can finally be free from this long nightmare. Before I die, I'll stab her hard to provoke her. That way, I can die more quickly and avoid being tortured."

He slowly closed his eyes. In his last moments, he apologized to each member of his family in his heart, and finally said sorry to Jian Xi.

But the expected excruciating pain did not come; he was thrown violently and crashed into a cabinet, breaking his forehead.

Ignoring the pain, he opened his eyes in surprise and saw the eerie black shadow sitting on the sofa, wailing loudly.

It wasn't the kind of deliberate, fake crying meant to provoke people; her empty eye sockets shimmered with a burning light. The monster's tears were actually part of her body. She kept wiping away the tears with what appeared to be tentacles, but more tears would immediately fall, writhing and twisting like worms on the floor.

She knew she had lost, utterly and completely. It wasn't that her imitation wasn't perfect enough, but that she wasn't human, and that alone was enough to sentence her to death.

Why? Is Jian Xi really that good? So good that she's invincible even after she's dead? She's been working so hard these past few days, trying every trick in the book to please him just because he said he liked her, but she can't beat that dead little witch?

She desperately wanted to kill this despicable guy. Scumbags who trample on a young girl's heart deserve to die. She absolutely couldn't just eat him up; she wanted to tear his flesh apart bit by bit, drink his blood, and let him die a thousand cuts, but even that wouldn't quell her hatred.

But she couldn't do it. No matter what, she couldn't bring herself to do it. A voice in her head kept saying, "No, no, no... This is absolutely wrong. If I did it, I would never forgive myself for the rest of my life."

Is it you rejecting me, Jianxi? My emotions and memories all come from you. Is it because you don't allow me to do this? After all, you like him too, I know that.

And you say it's because I didn't want to hurt him? If I kill him, no one will know the secret that Jian Xi was replaced, but no one will listen to my true feelings either. All that's left is the loneliness etched in my heart, living in the human world wearing a mask, with no one truly acknowledging me from the bottom of my heart, and I can't even speak my mind.

She couldn't tell which of her feelings were her own and which were Jian Xi's. Maybe they were both, or maybe neither.

It's so messy, so messy. My head is throbbing like it's going to split open, like something is trying to burst out. Do I get a headache too?
It turns out that becoming human is such a complicated thing. The monster who became human for the first time was just a child who had only been born a few days ago. The borrowed intelligence and beauty were not everything. There were still many, many things to learn.

The crying lasted for a very long time. No one had ever been sad for so long, and no one had ever shed so many tears. It was as if she was crying her heart out without end. She cried like a hysterical madwoman, or like a girl who had lost her beloved doll.

So much invisible sorrow surged from her towards Zhou Nan, like a cold tide, engulfing him.

He didn't know what to do. If it were Jian Xi, he would definitely comfort her, but she wasn't. She didn't even have a human form; just looking at her would make him feel like he was going to die.

Everything has already been said, so there's no need for any more pretense. Since we can't win or escape anyway, let her cry.

However... it turns out that Miss Monster can also be truly sad. She doesn't need to imitate; it comes from the bottom of her heart. She's like a puppy that has been abandoned, crying and fussing as she tries to chase after her departing owner. But the owner doesn't turn back and just drives the car faster and faster. Gradually, the puppy can't catch up and can only lie there whimpering softly, wondering if anyone will come to pick her up.

It's better to wait until she finishes crying before killing me; at least I can breathe a little more human air.

During the long period of time, neither of them did anything. He simply leaned against the corner and watched her shed tears. The clock hands ticked as he thought about everything that had happened in this old house and about Jian Xi's past.

After an unknown amount of time, the mournful cries gradually subsided and were eventually replaced by a deeper silence. Her tears finally stopped flowing, and like a girl who had accidentally spilled candy, she bent down and picked herself up from the ground.

So those little tears flowed back into her body, and she was Jian Xi again, only her eyes were red and swollen, like a bulging goldfish. She wiped the corners of her eyes with the back of her hand, looked at the boy in the corner, and remained silent, sobbing.

The two stared at each other for a long time, their eyes both dark and expressionless, neither speaking. The silence was so heavy that it was hard to breathe.

"You're not Jian Xi, you're a monster." Zhou Nan finally broke the silence, provoking her once more, only wanting her to die quickly.

"Yes, I am not Jian Xi, I am a monster, a monster! A monster, a monster!" She raised her head defiantly, throwing these words at him with all her might, as if that would allow her to win and preserve her last shred of dignity.

But the forced composure only lasted a moment. The next instant, her shoulders slumped, she pursed her lips for a long time, her thick eyelashes trembled slightly, and the last words she uttered seemed like a murmur.

"Yes, I'm a monster... What can a monster like?"

She didn't want to stay there anymore; her eyes were fixed on that old door. She staggered toward it, swaying as if she might collapse at any moment.

"Sorry, I ate your girl."

The moment the door opened, a damp, cold wind rushed in, causing her to shiver unexpectedly. She wrapped her scarf tighter around herself, lowered her head, and stepped into the black-and-white world.

(End of this chapter)