Funny: The Hilarious Life of a Wasted Taoist 1

Chapter 1: A Legacy From the Sky (1)
First of all, let me introduce myself. My surname is Ma, and my name is Lishu.With such an outstanding and very foreign name, first of all, I would like to thank my mother, she fell in love with a man surnamed Ma in the vast crowd.

As we all know, the culture of Chinese surnames is extensive and profound. If my mother's eyes were not on my father, but on the man surnamed Mai who chased her madly at that time, my name would have become a tragedy.

In the palm-sized marriage advertisement in the lower left corner of the "Metropolis Morning News" marriage page, it describes me like this-horsepower surgery, male, 26 years old, 178cm tall, cultural worker, young entrepreneur, running an advertising company, young and talented He is handsome, handsome, owns a car and a house, and is single.

This advertisement was published by borrowing 50 yuan from my mother. Except for the description of my appearance, which is basically true but slightly exaggerated, other aspects have been artificially processed by the newspaper staff.

But this world is cruel.

Whenever I ride the Olma brand-name battery car and take those shy girls who have met several times to my 150-square-meter high-grade small bungalow residential area with a multi-functional one-unit monthly rent of [-], their eyes will be bright. From anticipation to shock, in the end, he slapped me.

"Didn't you say you started a company?"

"Yes, but without a license."

"Didn't you say you are a cultural worker?"

"That's right, you didn't see the small advertisements on the electric pole in front of the door, many of them were designed by me."

"Snapped!"

There is another five-finger mountain on my face.

Snobbery, snobbery!
It is because they are so snobbish that I have been unable to keep up with the pace of social progress, and have been holding back China's population construction.

Therefore, under such circumstances, as a good young man with ideals and aspirations growing up in the new century, I have always had a great dream, that is, I hope to be hit by gold when I go out.

This dream has accompanied me through 25 springs, summers, autumns and winters.When I was about to enter the age of 26, rounding up to three times, and about to lose hope in life, a miracle finally happened.

I vaguely remember that the day was sunny and the flowers were blooming. I walked back to my small bungalow in the drizzle with a ten-year-old long-handled umbrella and a plastic bag full of paste and small advertisements for the clinic.

Then I saw a man standing in front of my room.

A man in a suit with a briefcase.

As we all know, there are only two kinds of people who wear suits in hot weather these days, insurance sellers and mafia.

In this peaceful city of ours, the biggest underworld is Er Gouzi who lives next door to me and is said to have dominated the entire street.

Thinking about it with an IQ comparable to that of Bush Jr., I immediately identified that person within 10 seconds.

Unexpectedly, the claws of the insurance company have already reached our high-end bungalow residential area!
Faced with this situation, should I punch him and run away, or should I take a picture with him and ask him to inscribe "Insurance Company Comes Here" on my door?
Just when I was struggling with the shock of this rare spectacle, the man in the suit said: "Excuse me, are you a horsemanship, Mr. Ma? I am a lawyer from Aoxiang Firm."

According to the man in the suit, our Ma's is different from the "Maji Beef Noodles" opened by the surnamed Wang at Jiekou. There are two brushes.As the saying goes, there is a person in the Ma family who can be psychic in all generations. The previous generation was the great-grandson of my grandfather's second uncle's uncle. The old man has a lot of spiritual power. He can see immortals and meet ghosts. He went there three months ago Jifu and Niutou Mamian won too much when playing mahjong, and Niu Tau Ma Mian couldn't pay, so he told him a gossip that his life expectancy was approaching, and he would die in a month.

So my grandfather's second uncle's great-grandson's great-grandson looked at the stars at night and calculated that after his death, his spiritual power would be transferred to me, so he made full preparations before returning home.

The man in the suit spoke with a tongue like a lotus flower, spitting profusely.But I remained unmoved.

You know, I'm a cultural worker.

As a cultural worker who believes in science, one must have a scientific outlook on development, one must oppose superstition, and one must cast aside all demons and ghosts!
After in-depth analysis, I have been able to confirm that the person in front of me has a brain problem!

Adhering to the principle that a mentally ill person does not break the law and cannot be easily provoked, I picked my ears and asked as softly as possible: "What are you talking about? Hehehehe, you've got a lot of trouble? Hehehehe."

"We don't need to talk too much about this question. You'll know it after you Google it." The man in the suit is not a fuel-efficient lamp, and his words can be seen in a reasonable way. "Does Ma Xiaoling know? She is your uncle and grandma's third niece."

"Hmph, go ahead." I began to pluck the other ear.As I said earlier, I am a cultural worker who believes in science and opposes superstition.So I'm on this kind of thing...

"So this time, I'm mainly here to explain to you about the will of Mr. Ma Jianmin, the great-grandson of your grandfather's second uncle's uncle."

will?I slipped my hand and nearly scratched my ear.

Since I run an advertising company, besides a cultural worker, I have another prominent identity, that is, a businessman.

As a businessman, you must have the consciousness to look for money.

As a treasure trove of resources, I have been attracting investment for so many years, and I finally met an investor who threw himself into the trap today. How can there be any reason to refuse?
My grandfather's second uncle's great-grandson's great-grandson left me a small second-floor apartment near Yangming Village in the suburbs.

The house was far away from my high-end small bungalow residential area, and it was only when I rented out that I discovered the insidious intention of the man in the suit who insisted on sitting in the back seat—the passenger in the co-pilot had to pay the car fare!

Sure enough, there is nothing good in a suit, thief!
When I got out of the car, I looked around and was stunned for a moment.

It was dusk, the setting sun was high and the wind was high. In the vast land, a small second floor stood impressively. The mottled ancient walls shone with indescribable light under the setting sun.

It was obviously the time when the vegetation was growing, but the few bare poplar trees in front of the small second floor dropped a few yellow leaves with the wind.

There are not many dilapidated buildings full of postmodern abstract colors like this!

"This house..." I carefully asked the man in the suit, "Is it an antique left by the Qin Dynasty?"

The man in the suit gave me a look of contempt, and handed me a blank piece of paper: "Come on, put your fingerprint on this piece of paper, and we're done with the formalities."

I am a relatively simple person. I usually do small business after paying for it, and I am legally illiterate. When he was fooled, I stamped my fingerprints in a daze.

The man in the suit gave me another stack of yellowed paper and a bunch of keys: "This house will belong to you from now on."

I took the key carefully, feeling as excited as I was when I left the mass identity to join the Young Pioneers on the last day of the sixth grade of primary school, and I stumbled on my words: "Comrade... Comrade... Do you want... Do you want to go in and sit down?" ?”

The man in the suit said: "No, the driver is still waiting there, just give me the fare."

So you see, there is nothing good about men in suits!

It hurts me to see a house for [-]% off.How long will it take to post small ads to earn back!

But as the saying goes, when the sky is about to place a great responsibility on people, they must first suffer from their will, work their muscles and bones, starve their bodies, and empty their wallets.

I walked past the poplar trees with a few yellow leaves hanging, and came to the small second floor.

The door is an old-fashioned wooden door with a big lock on it, and the back is full of rust, and it looks like it hasn't been used for a long time.

I took out the bunch of keys, only to find a serious problem, the man in the suit didn't tell me which key opened which door.

So I pulled the door open and tried the keys one by one.

When it was dark, I finally tried the last key.

That's right, that's it!
The feeling of being close to success is indescribable. I straightened my waist, held the key, and took a deep breath of fresh air.

I, Mashu, male, 26 years old, unmarried, finally became a real house owner today!
Unable to suppress the surging mood, I slapped the door hard.

"Squeaky..." The door opened.

Still holding the key in my hand, I glanced stiffly at the broken bolt.

A philosopher once said, "Life is full of surprises."

Maybe that's what it means.

The afterglow of the setting sun shines into the room through my figure, and I can see the dust everywhere and the cobwebs on the old chandelier.

A fat black mouse sprinted past my eyes.

Although I am an atheist with a strong root, I have to admit that this room is full of mysterious and disharmonious weirdness.

I wiped off my sweat and went inside.

The moment I entered the room, there was a cool wind pouring down from the top of my head. That unusual cold air made me feel hairy from the bottom of my heart, and my hairs stood on end!
Ghost? !
I shivered and looked overhead.

There was a hole in the roof, allowing the wind to pass through.

"Bah!" I spat bitterly, and I walked into the room.

In the corner of the second floor, a white shadow flashed past.

When I looked again, the shadow was gone.

Dazzled, dazzled.

I put my hands behind my back and began to visit the first house in my life.

The floor was covered with wooden floors, which creaked when walking.

What a style, it's wooden floors!It turns out that our high-end small bungalow residential area is just a concrete floor.

There are four rooms on the first floor. The first room on the left is the kitchen, and the second room on the left should be a storage room. I don’t know how many things have been piled up. The door was blocked and I could only open a small gap. I looked inside. After a long time, I only saw that there seemed to be some waste furniture piled up in the black cloth inside.

The two rooms on the right are bedrooms, and it looks like one is a guest room and the other is a servant's room.

Although the two houses were also completely dusty, there were still simple furniture, and even the quilts were neatly placed there, as if someone had slept there not long ago.

As I watched, I noted which key went to which door.

Then it was upstairs... When I stepped on the wooden stairs for the first time, there was another gust of wind, and the chill that just entered the door surged up again.

An ominous premonition suddenly rose in my heart.

Forget it today, go home first.

When I came out of the house, it was already dark.

I'm a smart person. When I took a taxi, I was very careful and asked the driver. Walking straight north along the highway, there is a bus stop from Yangming Village to the city in about 10 minutes.

The driver brother kindly told me that the last bus is at ten o'clock. I looked at my watch and saw that it was only past nine o'clock, and there were still more than 40 minutes to go.

The road is not easy to walk in the dark, this place is remote, there is no car on the road, and there are not even street lights on the side of the road.

When I came here, I could still see the village in the distance, but when I looked back now, it was a dark wilderness, without even the lights.

It's only past nine o'clock, and those peasant brothers don't turn on the lights, which is too cheap!

I walked for a while, and suddenly heard the sound of running behind me, like a few children chasing and running around, and there was laughter.

The sound went from far to near, and in the end, the laughter was close to my ears, as if those children had already run to my side.

Whose child is released so late to run around? !

I quickened my pace.

Laughter and footsteps followed me all the time, the voices were not too loud or too small, they lingered around my ears not too far away, and those children kept following me like a prank.

I was just like them when I was young, withered and bad.I just like to pretend to be behind the adults. If you want to shout at them, they will run away screaming, and will follow you after a while. If you ignore them, they will disperse after playing for a while.

Hey, didn't you say 10 minutes?How come it's been less than half a day!
Suddenly, my right leg stumbled and I couldn't move, as if I was hugged by someone.

My left leg has already stepped out, but my right leg can’t move. I lowered my head and looked at my right leg. There is nothing wrong with it. It is still the Bumpman brand jeans I bought from a street stall. The two drops of oil on my knee were dripped when I was eating kebabs. of.

Obviously there is nothing, but I just can't move my legs.

At this moment, a woman suddenly said, "Don't make trouble with him, he is a Taoist priest."

A child's voice said: "He wants to rob my house!"

"It was left to him by Master Ma." The woman said again, "Stop making trouble, hurry up, and be careful that he accepts you!"

Then as soon as my legs loosen, I can move.

The woman's voice was gentle and soft, indescribably nice.

A philosopher once said that it is a man's duty to thank a beautiful woman for help.

So I turned my head without hesitation.

There was a cool wind blowing head-on, and the road was empty, with no one there.

Could it be that this is the long-lost lightness skill in the legend - shape-shifting?
My legs were a little weak, and I yelled: "Mom!" I turned around and rushed forward.After running for a few steps, his eyes suddenly lit up, as if someone had turned on the light in a dark room, and everything could be seen clearly.

A few hundred meters to the right, the lights of houses in the village are flickering, and the bus stop is not far in front of you.

When I ran over, I happened to see the back of a bus.

A few older girls got off the car and were walking towards the village. When I saw someone, I felt at ease.

I went to the bus stop, stopped there, and everyone looked at me.

I know that an outstanding man like me is like a firefly in the dark, a hundred-dollar bill in a pile of steel coins, even in the suburbs, he can't hide his wild temperament from the inside out.

But it was the first time for her to be stared at so nakedly and passionately by everyone.

I tilted my head shyly, facing them with the most handsome right half of my face.

A fellow villager came over with a smile: "I haven't seen you before, is this the first time?"

"Ah."

"Didn't pay attention to the bus license plate?"

"What's wrong?" I looked up at the bus plate, which was a piece of rotten iron with peeling paint, and I couldn't even make out the station name.

"That was the last bus just now."

"No!" I raised my wrist, "Isn't the last trip at ten o'clock...?"

The watch on his wrist pointed to exactly five minutes past ten.

But just a short distance, nearly an hour?
I'm a little hairy.

The fellow said it very sincerely: "There are usually no cars on this road at night. You have to call a car from the city for 50 round trips. Or if you stay at my house for one night, I will charge you 35."

These remarks fully reflect the improvement of the economic awareness of peasant brothers since the reform and opening up.

I still have 20 yuan in my pocket. Based on my ability to communicate and negotiate with customers in the past, I can cut the price down to 15 without any effort.

But now it’s different than before, I already have a house, so I waved my hand and pointed in the direction of my house very modestly: "I have real estate here."

Looking in the direction I pointed, the fellow's face turned pale: "You mean the small second floor over there?"

I coughed and nodded.

The fellow looked at me with a hellish look.

Seeing that it was getting late and those big girls had gone far away, I turned around and walked towards the house.

"Hello!" The fellow called me from behind, "That house is haunted!"

This sounded bluffing, and I turned to look at him.

The fellow looked at me with sincere eyes, finally gritted his teeth, stomped his feet, and said with a desperate expression: "How about I give you a 45% discount, 26, 30, even if you are [-] yuan and [-] cents! "

I turn around and leave.This fellow didn't learn math well, he's cheating people.

When I walked back, I had a long-term mind, and I pinched my watch to see.

It takes exactly 9 minutes from the station to the small second floor.

Weird.

I clearly remembered closing the door when I went out, but now the door is wide open, as if expecting me to come back.

It was dark now, and I couldn't see my fingers in the house. I took out my mobile phone and walked forward with the pure blue light.

This time, I went to the second floor.

The wooden stairs are more broken than the floor and have been in disrepair for a long time, making the sound of "squeak~~~嘎~~~" that is about to collapse.

There is one room to the left of the stairs and three rooms to the right.

I entered the room on the left first.

This room is very large, with a smell of incense from the temple. There are several large boxes piled up in the corner, an altar in the middle, several small incense burners in front, and a bronze statue of a bearded Taoist sitting inside. Holding a long sword in his hand, his eyes were wide open, and when he was suddenly illuminated by the blue light of my mobile phone, he was not angry and arrogant, which made me tremble in fright.

There is a red round cushion in front of the altar, which is probably for people to kowtow.

Strange to say, I always felt chilly before, but after entering this room, my body felt warm.

All the other rooms were dirty, but this one wasn't dusty at all, and even the cushions looked like new.

But it's not a good place to sleep by any means.

I went back to the room on the right. The first room was a study room. The floor was full of paper. fountain pen.

The second is the master bedroom with a double bed and some furniture.

I opened the door of the third room. This room looked like a young lady's room. There was a small single bed in a foreign style with a mosquito net on it.

I'm really too lazy to move at the moment, seeing that the house is quite clean, I simply slept in this room.

But I am a big man who is embarrassed to sleep on such a feminine bed. I saw a white dressing table next to it, and the mirror on it was covered with a piece of cloth. I tore off the cloth covering the round mirror on the dressing table and wiped it with the other side After cleaning the stool and dressing table, he sat on the stool and slept on his stomach.

After sleeping for a while, I felt abnormal pain in my shoulder, as if something was pressed on it.The feeling became more and more obvious, and finally the bones were creaking.

What's going on?I opened my eyes and looked over my shoulder, but there was nothing.

I turned my head and was about to go back to sleep, when suddenly the corner of my eye glanced at the mirror, and my cold hair stood on end.

In the mirror, on my shoulder, one on each side, stepping on two feet!
Then I turned my head, my shoulders were empty, but there were two real feet in the mirror, stepping on my shoulders.

I slowly stretched out my hand to adjust the angle of the round mirror.

A woman in white was hanging from the beam, her neck was hung by a rope, she was looking down at me with her long hair covering her face, her tongue sticking out more than half a foot.

I feel cold all over.

The woman rolled her eyes and smiled at me, and said with difficulty with her long tongue, "Thank you, very bookish."

Comfort your grandma!
I pushed the dresser away, jumped up and ran out the door.

The female ghost was furious, she rolled her big tongue and cursed: "An elbow is going to shit!"

I rely on!You hanged ghost first practice mandarin neatly before threatening others!

I ran out the door in a hurry, and ran to the room on the left.

(End of this chapter)