Self-control 2: How to control your emotions and destiny?

Chapter 14 Am I someone who is not easily satisfied? (1)
When a person fulfills some spiritual or material needs and satisfies some desires through self-satisfaction through certain behaviors or thoughts, the brain will produce positive, happy, pleasant and rewarding experiences.

◎“Why is my sense of satisfaction always short-lived?”

"Paul, on my weed days, there's nothing but this devil that gives me 5 minutes of quiet sunshine," Adrian said.He is an engineer of Mobil Oil, and he has been exploring offshore all year round, and he can only go home once every few months. Undoubtedly, this has a huge impact on him.

From 2004 onwards—Adrian remembers this time clearly, he began to seek alternatives: "I don't know what makes me feel that I am living a normal life, maybe sex, chatting, ball games? If I don't Do something, and one day I'm going to step up on the rig and jump off into the ocean. So, you know, I'm going to make some fun out of such a boring job."

At first he practiced his poker skills hard and joined the "Drilling Team", but he quit within a week.He thinks playing cards is more boring than studying oil under the sea.He experimented with homosexuality, struggled to identify himself as bisexual - a horrifying nightmare, cut off all ties with his colleagues in less than three months, and returned to work hoping to become one of the most accomplished engineer.He designed a difficult adventure plan for the problems under the sea:
"Boss, if we succeed, we can save the company $6000 million, don't you want to try?"

"Go and fix the boiler if you keep talking, you've been annoying me for 20 days! It's endless!"

It seemed that the boss was more irritable than he was. "In such an environment, everyone has a hard time to recite." Adrian said.Whether it is emotional or work, he can't achieve anything, and the final result is to join the "marijuana battle group"-10% of the hundreds of colleagues on the platform are smoking marijuana. It is really an excellent secret space to generate satisfaction.

Adrian joined, relying on marijuana for his fighting spirit, until he returned to the United States and found himself suffering from "dissatisfaction syndrome": no matter what he did, he felt that he could not calm down. "Life is always missing something. Even though my wife loves me more madly than before, I feel empty and light in my body, lacking filling."

This is actually not Adrian's own emotional illness, but the spiritual feeling of almost everyone in today's society.

Satisfaction is the mental fulfillment our brains are capable of.It must be a positive, happy, pleasurable and rewarding experience.To put it simply, a person realizes certain spiritual or material needs and satisfies some desires through self-satisfaction through certain behaviors or thoughts, and the brain will produce a beautiful feeling similar to rewards.

This is the end of one's desires - to which all desires, goals and struggles lead.Satisfaction is not only an add-on to the fulfillment of desire, but also a tireless pursuit of people.The difference is that some people obtain this experience by achieving their own goals, while others hope to satisfy others to complete this process and achieve their own goals.

Needs are the seeds of emotions - we are anxious when we don't have them, we are satisfied when we have them
Satisfaction is a psychological feeling and an emotional pacifier.In the process, needs become the seeds of emotions.When the needs are met, the mood is stable; otherwise, the mood is prone to problems.This is true for large needs as well as for small ones.

Depending on the degree of need, the index of satisfaction is also different.For example, the value of people's satisfaction in suffering from hunger and cold is far lower than the usual index.No matter how good we eat when we eat three meals a day, we will not feel how delicious the meal is, at least not particularly satisfying. However, when you get lost while traveling and are trapped in the forest for two days and two nights How did you feel when someone gave you a bowl of ordinary hot porridge after you finally escaped danger?You will feel that this is the most delicious bowl of porridge in the world, and you will be extremely satisfied after drinking it. You may even write a diary on the Internet and post on Weibo to lament the beauty of life.

During the two days trapped in the forest, with no water and no food, his desire for related needs will reach a peak.His anxiety was at an all-time high due to the fear of starving to death or being eaten by wild animals.Because his needs cannot be met, his emotions are facing out of control.This is why many people at risk are "killed by themselves" not by external danger.

Sense of accomplishment - Fact gratification: fulfilling subconscious "fantasies"

When the satisfaction of needs reaches a certain level, that is, the satisfaction feels at a higher level, which is reflected in the "sense of accomplishment".It may be a small satisfaction for us to help a person adjust his mobile phone software, but if he fixes his completely broken mobile phone, what you get is no longer a trivial satisfaction, but a particularly remarkable achievement.

This is a kind of "fact gratification".Usually, we have fantasies about some things, or make plans, and desire to achieve goals for a long time.If one day we really achieve it, we will definitely get a great sense of accomplishment from it.

The problem is, many people's satisfaction or sense of accomplishment is short-lived, like in people like Adrian.They chase one goal after another. Desire is like a flame tube, burning the flowers and plants on the way forward, and pulling themselves forward, falling into the abyss of desire.

If you are never satisfied, you will always be anxious and live in a fire pit of uneasiness.

If you are never satisfied, you will lose yourself and become a slave to your desires.

The root of Adrian's current predicament lies in his inner "impetuousness".Since stepping on the rig, his demand point had hit a bottom and suddenly became too high.His requirements for the environment have become higher, and his judgment standards for experience have become harsher, but his subconscious mind does not want him to spend more time for this.

That's his problem.When he asked me what I should do, I said, "If you can give yourself 12 hours of sleep without getting up to smoke or watch TV or smoke marijuana, then I'll tell you what to do next. "

After saying this, I found that he frowned immediately.Clearly, this was a daunting task for him, which means he's struggled to get a restful night's sleep over the past few years.This proves my judgment of him: he can't quell his inner desires, and it's hard to get long-term satisfaction, even if it's only 12 hours.

However, he decided to take my advice and try to get a good night's sleep instead of solving the more metaphysical problems of contentment.This was the first assignment that Adrian took seriously in my course.In fact, with the help of an emotional management consultant, he also found the right direction for his efforts.

Aristotle said: "Happiness belongs to those who are easily satisfied." It is not difficult to grasp happiness. As long as you grasp the following three points, happiness will be very close to you, and contentment will always be by your side.

reasonable goals.

Reasonable method.

reasonable emotions.

With these three "reasonable", you can always be satisfied.And only those who are always satisfied can live a relaxed and happy life.Because their sense of satisfaction is low, a little success makes them happy and very content, so desire and greed, anxiety and fear will not torture their hearts.

Of course, people's standards of satisfaction are never the same, there is no way to force it, and our course team can only help them formulate standards that meet their own abilities.The principle we need to follow is that the requirements should be planned according to the standards, rather than completely obeying the requirements to set the standards.Only in this way can we control and manage our mentality well and avoid unbridled desires.

Emotional Self-Management Course
Eliminate impetuosity
Reason: Differences in wealth, status and reputation from others may be one of the root causes.It creates our anxieties and desires for wealth, stimulating desires to swell in the body.

State of mind: Make sure: "How is my state of mind now?" Is it calm, restless or even anxious?Draw a picture of your state of mind, mark your state on it, you will see how big the problem is, and then judge whether it can be easily ignored or must be taken seriously.

Repair: Repair with Faith.Faith is a value and a spiritual belief.If you can't beat others in the real field, build a value advantage for yourself.For example, pay attention to public welfare, charity, small animals, music, literature, or make yourself a calm person.Then, you will have a "self" that is chased and looked up to by others, and you don't have to chase others anymore.

◎"Why can't I stop!"

If you don't mind and you have time right now, please put the following words into a sentence and note how important the meaning of the sentence is to you——
Mine is more important than reality needs

The sentence you spelled:

How important do you think this sentence is: (10 is the highest, 0 is the lowest)
In fact, we can spell out two perspectives related to requirements:

1. My needs are more important than reality.

2. Reality takes precedence over my needs.

Seeing this, you probably already know the result.Some people say, "Wow, okay, Paul, I'm hooked, I admit that I always do stupid things in disregard of reality, I can't stop when I want to, I become a believer in desire, I become a believer who can never climb but is in the sky." Climbers who keep trying, but isn’t that what everyone does?” Yes, we found this to be a common phenomenon, but it’s more interesting and rewarding to analyze why, isn’t it?
Warning—why are most of the poor who can’t stop?
In 2011, we conducted a three-dimensional survey on the "behavior and emotional mechanism of lottery players" in the Mainland.The results show that among the huge group of hundreds of millions of lottery players, more than 800 million lottery players have the problem of "out of control of behavior and emotion" to varying degrees.They are addicted to buying lottery tickets, just like smoking and gambling. If they don’t buy lottery tickets, they will feel uncomfortable, they can’t stop even if they want to, and they lack self-control.Those who are less serious spend hundreds of dollars every month to buy lottery tickets, while those who are more serious spend all their savings or even borrow money to buy lottery tickets.

In terms of age, they are mainly distributed between 20 and 49 years old, most of them have education from junior high school to university, and more than 90% of them have a monthly income of less than 3000 yuan.Psychologically, most of them consider themselves to be of lower socioeconomic status. "We are the people who live at the bottom." They said, "So we have to work hard, we need luck, and of course we have to buy lottery tickets, otherwise how can we get rich?" They feel that this is an era of fighting for money and luck at the same time, and they must do this .

This is why the poor are always kidnapped by "desires" and lose their minds.As a group that is embarrassed or thinks it lacks strength, it is easy to choose to take risks when you have some capital in your hands.However, compared with their great dreams, these meager capitals are often a drop in the bucket and have no real effect.

Sometimes, "staying the course" isn't advisable in certain situations.For example, when you are ambitious but have no ability to bet at all, especially when your nose is bruised and your face is bruised, the inner voice that keeps telling you to "persevere" becomes a temptation of the devil, rather than a driving force to help you succeed.

Dream of getting rich--an investor with a bad temper

"In 5 years, I hope to become another talented businessman in the United States, hold a super company, and be on the celebrity list, or I can buy a private jet and travel freely around the world."

This is the weird world Jack, a 28-year-old New York stockholder, built for himself in a conversation with emotional consultant Amory.He's renting a nice apartment near Queens for $6500 a month, but it's been a year and three months since his last job (a supermarket delivery boy).During these 1 months, he did not have a fixed income, but he had a well-known title: a famous investor.

Jack has his eyes on the financial market, and stocks are his tool for making money, at least in his imagination, it is a perfect business.He took his mother's entire inheritance into this unpredictable market, and then quickly spent the money.A full $60 was lost in just one month.

"You have poor eyesight, are you really suitable for this line of work?"

Jack immediately became excited and refuted Amory: "This is a necessary investment, it doesn't matter, I have learned how to control risks, next time I will successfully predict the rise and fall of stock prices, and sell them at the highest point of profit."

He almost jumped up, startling our emotional counselor.Is this a prelude to violence?That's right, we found that most people who engage in extreme behavior will be accompanied by extreme emotions, that is, if his behavior is on the A side, then his emotions must also be in the A area.

Jack's strange temper is also manifested in that the more confident he is, the more angry he will be with others.The old father who lives in the suburbs of New York has not contacted him for half a year, because whenever the topic of "finding a stable job" is mentioned, Jack immediately becomes another person, and even drops the phone on the ground.At this moment, he believed even more that he would be able to succeed, and his emotions became more agitated and out of control.

Of course he couldn't stop, because it was both pain and enjoyment for him.From the perspective of the psychological "frustration and aggression theory", the potential harm of this kind of person is manifested in that the more frustrated and the greater the blow, the more likely he will get worse, sink deeper, and lose control of his emotions. The probability that they violate others increases.

Saving Jack: 8 Tips from a Mood Counselor

1. It is of course impossible for Jack to transfer all the money out of the stock market at once.So, don't think about money, don't think about whether I should give up, put this issue on hold first, put the stock on hold, and force yourself to leave the stock for a week.

2. During this week, do not watch any news related to the stock market, obviously need to cut off the network cable at home, refuse to watch TV news, etc., and then write down the stock price forecast once a day, and indicate why you made this decision price judgment.

3. When the time is up, turn on the TV news and compare the stock price changes to see if the forecast is correct.If you miss 80%, should you think about it: Am I really suitable for this industry?
4. Sell a part of the stock, which can be 30%. Of course, the higher the better, but it depends on your willpower and the degree of temporary acceptance.Withdraw this money immediately and put it into an account that has nothing to do with securities.Remember, it must be a fixed deposit account for at least one year.

5. Don't think about the money for a year.You can still operate stocks, experience the pain and pleasure that can't stop, lose a lot of money, or make a small profit now and then.It doesn't matter, remember, just try not to get angry when talking to people.

6. After a year, revisit the money.Comparing your stock market accounts, what did you find?What is the value of those stocks that have not been sold?They follow the habits of the past, all gone.But the money you decided to cash out a year ago is still waiting for you: it was the right decision.

7. Found the right thing, why not continue to do it?You put in a lot of effort and still don't succeed.You have waited another 12 months to make a final decision, suggesting that you should no longer be too attached to an inner desire from the past.

8. Well, from now on, starting with realizing that it was a mistake, it becomes easy to stop.

We've spent a year transforming poor Jack, and he's put too much money into it, and he's become even more steadfastly strapped into his emotionally extreme chariot.The more we give to something, the more attached we become to it.His actions and emotions are one and the same, and he is so sure of his own judgment.Therefore, for such a situation, the only thing we can do is not to persuade from the outside, or use the power of others to change ourselves, but to fully realize where we are wrong.

Emotional Self-Management Course
self-control management

Stop immediately: It is acceptable to become a believer in desire in the short term.But as soon as the danger is recognized, it must be stopped immediately.

Setting conditions: Correctly look at your own material living conditions and your own conditions, and allow your needs to be met within the limits allowed by the conditions, but never excessively pursue what you cannot achieve.At the same time, take all gains and losses lightly, especially don't be obsessed with wealth, but let your life develop naturally.

Abstinence program: Of course, let yourself become the master of desire, instead of standing helplessly outside its wheelhouse.However, only slogans are useless. Even if you have very strong willpower and think you can control your behavior and manage your emotions, you still need a set of rational and effective methods to prohibit excessive desires, such as setting some strictly enforceable goals. rules, and then check them regularly.

Rewards: Make some rewards for yourself - if you successfully stop before you get out of control, then you can meet some of your own needs on the other hand.For example: “I managed to close out an investment in the stock market without being overwhelmed by the dream of getting rich. That’s great, I decided to reward myself and my girlfriend with a week trip to Hawaii, or a long-awaited 3D movie at the cinema. "

◎"Why am I always dissatisfied?"

In the summer of 2013, Mr. Zhu from Hangzhou wrote an email from China.In his letter he said:

I am 29 years old this year, and it has been 5 years since I graduated from a university. I have found more than a dozen jobs, and even changed to several different industries.Although the bosses of every unit think highly of me and recognize my ability, but for some reason, I can’t stay in one place for too long. Often after only half a month, I start to feel disgusted. I am very dissatisfied with my work: the environment is not good, my colleagues are bad, and my salary is not up to standard... In short, I see all kinds of defects.

(End of this chapter)