Self-control 2: How to control your emotions and destiny?

Chapter 16 Am I someone who is not easily satisfied? (3)
At this time, it seemed that many people on the opposite side stopped and stopped to watch.They must have wondered: what are these people doing?But I assure you, not a single reaction was mocking or dismissive; there was no laughter, no restlessness, just a vague sense of awe in the air.

If a person can let go of all his social status and face, let himself lie on the ground unconditionally, and let others judge him at will, I believe it means that many harmful emotions have been cleared from his body.

In what kind of environment can you let go?It's like a meadow - we can't always have the opportunity to find such a space, the key is that you have to improve your ability to let go, and you can let go at any time.Otherwise, even if you have an iron will, you may stick to the plan all your life, live restlessly, but there will be no breakthrough change.

Their method is to gamble-"keep going, I will definitely get what I want." But our life is never a gamble.

On Harry’s 23rd birthday, the old American ship magnate brought his son into the casino, gave him $2000, let him familiarize himself with how to play cards, and told him: no matter what, you can’t lose all your money, and you must have at least $500 left. Otherwise you cannot take over the financial power of the company.

Harry promised with all his mouth, but quickly became red-eyed. He completely forgot his father's advice, and finally lost nothing.He wanted to use his last chance to win back, but he didn't expect to lose even worse.When he walked into the casino again, he began to set rules for himself: I only lose half, and when only half is left, I must leave.

The result is still a failure - he can't leave at all, when he loses half of the money, his feeling is: "I will try again, I can't accept this result." A person who can't jump out of the body to examine himself, he Your thoughts will be wrapped tightly by burning desires.

He bet all his money again and lost it all.Walking out of the casino, Harry said to his father: "I don't want to go to the casino again, because my character will only let me lose every last penny, I want to win too much, I am too impatient, I am destined to be a loser. "

However, Harry's father disagreed, and he insisted that his son continue to think: "What did you do wrong? Under what principles does willpower work?"

Only by letting go of desires can you control your emotions and finally take the initiative
Harry had to save money again, and half a year later, he walked into the casino again.Still bad luck, another loss.However, he learned the lessons of the past and became calm and steady.This time, when he lost half, he retreated decisively.However, after walking out of the casino, he was reprimanded by his father:

"Who are you trying to win? What you want to win is yourself, not money. Only when you control yourself can you become a real winner."

From then on, every time Harry walked into the casino, he would set a limit for himself: when he lost 10%, he would definitely quit the game.This is an unmistakable red line and a blow to our inflated desires, and it is cut so hard that almost every gambler can hardly accept this ratio.

Harry persisted, and he actually started to win: under this principle, he not only kept his capital, but also won some dollars.

Leaving mentality → let go of desire before the tide comes
He looked at his father: "leave now?"

"That's right! If you stay any longer, you will definitely lose."

"why?"

"Don't look at yourself, look at those who are like you."

Ah, yes - it was true when Harry saw the gamblers around him.Harry broke out in a cold sweat, almost being captured by his "desire" again.In this world, the real winners are those who can exit when they win.When he understood this, he also gained the financial power of his father's company.

Any work is actually a small thing compared to the management of our inner desires.Many people fail every day, not because they are poor at work, but because they cannot control their emotions and desires.They can't get down, they can't let go of the desire to win, they always care about face, self-esteem or other things that can't let go, and in the end they can only climb higher and higher, and finally fall badly.

Emotional Self-Management Course
let go of desire
Looking back: It's not good to always look forward, because the front is full of work, pressure, and even heavy, unattainable ideals, which together form desires, make your head big, and make you restless.Therefore, we have to look backward, there is always a way behind, which is the space for us to let go of our desires.We can see our glorious and proud report card, people's applause and happy family life.

Formatting: Format the "computer" hard disk, don't miss any desires, then restart, clean up garbage, and kill viruses.All the gray emotions of the present and the past and their roots of desire will be swept into the dustbin of history.Only in this way can we usher in real ease.

Brand-new goals: non-utilitarian goals that only bring happiness and no sorrow will be our new pursuits, instead of filling new desires while eliminating old desires.If your previous goals were all about money, you can break new ground by making your next goal a good cause.

Clear the guilt of the past: Don't dwell on it, fill it with guilt, and not even be able to move on from the shadows of yesterday because you did a bad job in the past.Even if you used to be a copper-smelling and annoying person, now you need to have some complacency: I've let it all go, which means I've accomplished a very successful feat.

◎The end of desire—to cut off insecurity?

A sense of security is the first element in people's psychological needs, and it is the most basic and important component of personality.If there is no sense of security, we will not rush into a dark alley at night, at least we will observe the alley for a while before deciding whether to pass here.Isn't that true in the larger realm?

The "Devil" That Won't Disappear: The Wandering Ghost

In a psychology lecture at the University of California, I spoke about the limitations of coercive tools for eliminating desire.Most of the one-time imperative methods can only temporarily cover up the problem, but they cannot solve the emotional crisis we are facing-the big troubles that push people out of control.It treats the symptoms but not the root cause, and it is difficult to change the deeper emotional problems.

This is because the above methods are all aimed at the "sense of security", not what is behind it.We can take the example of a child sucking his finger.The behavior of a child feeding is a subconscious instinct, a subconscious reaction.The action of feeding is closely related to his mother.That is to say, when a child feels insecure, he wants to throw himself into his mother's arms, or suck his own finger, which reflects his insecurity behind this behavior.

Just like some girls spend their days shopping online crazily at home, the reason is not that she likes online shopping, but because she is bored or reacts to her emotions because her boyfriend doesn't have much time to accompany her.This is the same principle as the act of sucking fingers.

If you take a closer look at the similarities between the two, then it becomes clear that if we just focus on actions like sucking fingers or shopping online, ordering them: "Stop! Don't suck your fingers!" Or, "Can't shop online, stop This impulsive behavior, expel this desire!" Instead of thinking about the deep-seated problems behind these two behaviors, even if they stop these two behaviors, their inner emotions will not be appeased.

The problem is that kids are still insecure, girls are still lonely, angry and bored, and there are other places where they show it.

So, don’t expect our “insecurities” to go away—at least not forever.Children are born with insecure genes, they are masters at detecting danger, they will scream "Mom" at any sign of trouble; and your woman still pays you back with a shopping spree for every slight you treat her.

These emotions are the ghosts that haunt us.No matter what method is used, as long as the essence cannot be seen, it will not fundamentally change this fact.

Desire weaning→Twice desire weaning period, one is physical and the other is psychological
Whether it is physical or psychological desire to wean, in addition to the influence of the environment, people's subjective consciousness and control have played a decisive role.Sometimes they are a traumatic experience that can take a huge toll on our psyche.Just like a child needs to throw away his toy, but also to control himself: "Don't go near it!"

If you are a person who has never had a certain experience, your resistance to it will be weaker.

So, from this point of view, each of us will have some degree of insecurity in our hearts.It depends on the three consciousnesses in us, and it is also the driving force of the three behaviors.

against others.

avoid others.

obey others.

Psychologically speaking, everyone who cannot face the harsh truth - including any extreme truth they do not want to accept - will experience a "four steps" of emotions:
Denial - "It's not true!"

Anger - "I can't take it!"

Compromise - "I have to accept!"

Facing - "I accept reality."

Behind the driving force of the three behaviors and the emotional tetralogy, we can all find the real reason from the perspective of "insecurity".For example, when you object to a person or deny a certain fact, it is because you feel that if you submit to the other person's wishes or accept that fact, you will have a stronger sense of "insecurity".The next attitude you can adopt is doomed. First, anger and escape. When anger doesn’t work or you can’t escape, you can only choose to compromise, face this reality, then obey and accept, and finally convince yourself , To eliminate and dilute the inner "insecurity".

Therefore, I emphasize again that no course or method can fundamentally eliminate a person's sense of insecurity, because this is the instinct of everyone's subconscious.Once there is a strong stimulus from the outside world, it will immediately rise to the level of consciousness and immediately manifest itself in corresponding behaviors.

What we can do is to cut off the link between it and "excessive demand".This is why controlling desires means increasing their sense of security, and people who indulge their desires have the lowest sense of security, putting themselves in a dangerous emotional trap.

Emotional Self-Management Course
"I'm safe now!"

Uncertainty: There are many things, since we are uncertain and have no way to avoid it, why should we worry about it?By acknowledging the uncertainty of things, you can smoothly accept some bad outcomes and let go of inner worries and dissatisfaction.

Write them down: You can spend two hours writing down all the requirements, then you put them aside and sit next to them and read them one by one (it can last half a day or even a whole day) until you get bored, this trick always It works, because boredom always makes us lazy to think about these things.

Presupposed results: Make a plan for yourself after failure in advance, think of all possibilities, and then accept it calmly.When you can look at your own gains and losses with this calm attitude, you will find that you are no longer afraid of any possible worst results.You will no longer be excitable, impetuous, or out of control; and you will have a new understanding of what separates success from failure.

Leaving work: Throw down the documents immediately, or leave your chair immediately, give your body a chance to breathe fresh air, make a cup of tea, and go outside the window for a while.Don't underestimate these short minutes, maybe when you return to work again, you have realized something.Not only are you full of strength, but you also have new ideas about the stubbornness just now-you no longer stubbornly pursue something that cannot be achieved at all, but find a new breakthrough.

(End of this chapter)