Self-control 2: How to control your emotions and destiny?

Chapter 17
Positive psychological positioning is a method for individuals to self-help through positive self-suggestion and self-encouragement.There is a great relationship between human self-evaluation and our behavior that can lead to positive action.

◎"I have no ability, so I feel inferior."

There are no good uncles in the world.If you always look forward to having a "good uncle" to help you with some things, but you don't have much confidence, at least it shows that you don't have the courage to act now, this is a manifestation of inferiority complex.

Inferiority means that you underestimate your own abilities and feel that you are inferior to others in all aspects.It is both a damaging emotion and a flaw in one's character.Not only does he underestimate his abilities, but he also expresses his emotions very vividly and extremes.

Guilt - "I did something wrong, I didn't get it done, and I'm sorry."

Shy—"I dare not, I can't, I'm afraid people will laugh at me."

Uneasy—"Can I really do this? I can't be sure."

Disappointment - "I really can't do it, don't count on me, I don't have any confidence in myself."

Melancholy - "What should I do? If this continues, I will have no sense of existence."

We will meet many such people in our lives, they are inferior, shy, hide in corners, walk on tiptoe, sensitive nerves, afraid to speak loudly (like I was a child), unsmiling (I used to be like this in my youth), are alone One person silently watching others from an inconspicuous place (I know this all too well after losing my first child).

Although, at this time, they are also eager to get the attention of others, but there is a stone in their hearts that makes them unable to lift their heads.His soul color is gray or pale, and he rarely makes true friends.Even talents are wasted, living in pain and numbness every day.

When I was in China, I often did wrong things due to lack of confidence, because we stayed in an environment for a long time, and we would be influenced by some strong traditional concepts.The point of view that everyone thinks is correct is the point of view that your subconscious also agrees with, which will greatly affect your own emotional state.

20 years ago, what are the concepts that I completely subverted after I came to the United States?
1. The relationship between self-confidence and ability: not only those with outstanding ability are qualified to be self-confident.

2. Human expressiveness is America's powerful "human factor": the mediocre who dares to express is more popular than the genius who lacks self-confidence.

3. The foundation of self-improvement: perhaps ridiculed but unique creativity.

As one of the founders of the United States, Thomas Jefferson's positive influence on American higher education continues to this day.But, right under his statue at the University of Virginia, a late-night New York girl, Emmy, chose to run to the spot and take her own life with a revolver.

The gunshot woke up everyone on campus, and while they were shocked, they also felt sorry for her.Amy has been struggling with the nightmare of self-denial for more than 7 years. She is a "well-known figure" on this campus.She once laughed at herself as the coolest girl in the Ugly Group in the United States. No one laughed at her. In fact, there were countless people helping her and trying to rebuild her self-confidence, but Amy still unfortunately chose to commit suicide. The way home.

Among Emmy's belongings is a diary.On page 359, she writes:
It has been 8 years, and I am still afraid to speak and communicate with people.Although many church members encouraged me to forget everything I experienced in the body like them, and even become a numb person.But I can't do it.

The fact is so cruel. My neighbor Mrs. Holly came to my house just now, and I was basking in the sun in the yard. She walked in slowly, and I immediately felt uncomfortable and stepped back two meters.We stared at each other for a while.In order to avoid embarrassment, Mrs. Holly found a topic, she said, ah, the sun is really warm today, Amy, women should get more sun, it is good for the skin.I replied: Ah, yes.My subconscious mind felt that I should say something more, so I said another sentence: I heard that it is going to rain.Then, I didn't have anything to say, just stood there blankly, tilting my head, trying not to look at her.Mrs. Holly didn't know what to say, so she walked away silently.

Question: Does low self-esteem make people incompetent, or does incompetence make people low self-esteem?
Our answer: There is only one reason for both of these possibilities. People do not realize their own "worth" and become inferior and incompetent.

In the training of the course, we convey the same message to every student: our service is valuable, we help you find self-confidence and eliminate inferiority complex, not because I sympathize with you, but because of the value - you Neglecting your own worth, we are reminding and helping you find it, that's all.

Therefore, if we provide help to a person with low self-esteem, we must not let him carry a burden of gratitude, but help him stand up independently to avoid worsening low self-esteem.

Emotions are energy too - destroy or increase confidence

Case number one:

Victor is a shy boy. He was very insecure and timid since he was in high school.Whenever teachers or classmates asked him to do something, he always said shyly: "No, no, I can't." After a long time, Victor's catchphrase spread throughout the school.

After a lesson from his mother, he made up his mind to change, and every time he wanted to show others the next day with a new image.However, the next day, lacking self-confidence, he always returned to his original state.Repeatedly, Victor understood a truth: it takes a lot of courage to change oneself in a familiar environment.He just lacked such courage.

So, until he graduated from high school, Victor continued to look like he was not confident.After entering the state university, in a new environment, he ushered in the opportunity to change, and his courage to build self-confidence grew day by day.He tries to keep himself full of energy and smile every day; he secretly cheers for himself in his heart, and no matter what happens, he will hint to himself: "I can do it!"

Later, a basketball team was established in the class. Although he didn't know how to play basketball, he was successfully selected into the class because of his tall stature.So, he began to learn the knowledge and skills of basketball, and went to the playground with the basketball to train every day.Half a year later, with his own efforts, Victor changed from a "layman" on the basketball court to the main force of the school basketball team.What is even more surprising is that he was spotted by a professional ball club, invited him to try out, and eventually became a professional basketball player.

Case [-]:
There was an old lady who had two business daughters, one selling umbrellas and the other running a laundry.When the weather was fine, the old lady was very worried. When someone asked why, she said: "My daughter who sells umbrellas is not doing well, and I feel sad." But when it rained, she was not happy because: "I run a laundry My daughter's business is not good, and the washed clothes can't be dried."

Someone later told her: "Actually, when the weather is sunny, you can be happy for your daughter who runs a laundry shop, and when it's raining, you can be happy for your daughter who sells umbrellas."

Only then did the old lady realize, because this sentence explained a key issue - happiness and pain are all chosen by you, and the initiative is completely in your own hands.

You see, the protagonists of the two stories feel the real impact of emotions on life from different aspects.It is always transformed into a force, stored in the body and made to be felt and used by people every day.If you are a person who is willing to examine your own life, you can clearly feel and experience it.

Because they are distributed in all aspects of life, displayed in different forms, and let us clearly perceive them.They completely determine whether the state of our life is positive or negative, whether it is self-confidence or inferiority, and determines the outcome of things.
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Whether we work smoothly or not, it all depends on the energy expressed by the emotions in the body!

Whether you admit it or not, you are using these energies every moment.They can help you discover new things, but they can also open and continue to damage your emotional wounds and make you less confident in yourself.And what we have to do is to lead these untapped "emotional energies" to the positive field, turn them into positive forces, and promote the balance of emotions, no matter they are A or B.Then, use them reasonably within the range we can afford.

Three employees of a California telecommunications company came to take a test on "How much influence does the inferiority energy of emotions have?"The nature of their work is the same, and they are told in the same way by the emotional counselor in a prepared passage:

"Gentlemen, you are not doing a good job at this job. Look, this is the evaluation of your boss." - We "colluded" with their boss and forged 3 employee evaluations together.

In fact, they are excellent practitioners in their industry and excellent employees of the company. They have every reason to be optimistic about their own future and employment prospects.In other words, they are now optimistic people, positive, confident, and with the same level of mood swings.

"Based on our performance in the company, how can we not be promoted by the boss? We are popular in the eyes of the boss, and our performance in the past few years has made us very sure."

However, what happened next proved that sometimes the facts that are certain can also develop in the completely opposite direction.

When we saw them again after 30 days, they all had a more or less negative emotional state, while only one was not too affected - but his work motivation was also clearly hit; the other two ’s performance has declined sharply because they have determined that they have no ability to gain a foothold in the company.

See, that's the destructive power of bad emotions.Even if a person is very confident, once the boss denies his ability, he will quickly wither away.And our job is to help the help-seeker find a sense of self-worth, let him stand up psychologically, return to strong self-confidence, increase the ability to resist setbacks, and truly find his position, so that he neither complains nor favors others, But down to earth.

Emotional Self-Management Course
Self-Ability Orientation
★ "Does my education (knowledge level) match the current job?"

★"What is the thing I am best at?"

★ "Am I interested in what I do?"

★ "What is my biggest weakness?"

★"In the last two years, have I seized the opportunity of ability training?"

◎The disappointment of the winners—is it even more frustrating after you get it?

In recent years, a study has shown that since the mid-20s, successful people around the world have been plagued by five psychological problems, including loneliness, depression, confusion, anxiety and paranoia.

These major problems are like stubborn "inner demons". If they appear alone, they are enough to be frightening. What will be the consequences if they appear together?The common phenomenon is various psychological disorders, and severe cases lead to split personality or extreme emotions, being captured by A or B, and becoming an extreme person with a behavior pattern.

Question 1: Do you feel inferior the more successful you are?

Question 2: The more capable you are, the easier it is to feel lost?

Obviously, if a person who is successful in all aspects faces heavy work pressure, if he is not good at adjusting his mentality, it will also cause the above two serious consequences.Success will increase his low self-esteem, and the enhancement of ability will make him fall deeper into the abyss of loss.

Almost all good characters find themselves with peculiar emotional problems that resemble these two manifestations in some way.They don't know how to identify and control "emotional trauma", just like uncontrolled workaholics often take extreme behaviors to punish themselves after failing in their careers, instead of doing self-soothing and emotional balance work.

To write the best science fiction novel, this is the dream that Haimer planted at the age of 5, and he has worked hard for 23 years.But her success turned out to be an "accident" that no one expected, and congratulations poured in when the publisher announced that her novel had sold over 10 copies in Oregon alone. The phone at home was about to explode, but at this moment she locked herself up.

Haimo didn't see anyone for half a month, refused to answer the phone, and didn't want to hear even a word related to this book.Her whole spirit was broken, and no one could explain what was going on.

The mother cried outside the door: "Son, if I knew what happened today, I would do my best to stop you."

Haimer can't accept the dream that has been realized. Subconsciously, she believes that she can only fail. Maybe this is the answer that has been wandering in her heart for 23 years.

As we know, 80% of women around the world are not satisfied with their new appearance after plastic surgery, and they are more dissatisfied than before plastic surgery.I guess the actual data is far more than that, maybe 90%.

I don't know when it will start, many people will gradually feel that their hearts are closed and their prospects are full of pessimism.They have a serious distrust of themselves-although they have done a very good job and live in the applause of people every day, that kind of distrust is like a demon that penetrates into the bone marrow. A thick shadow.

Our emotional consultants have conducted a targeted survey on the leaders of thousands of companies (representatives of successful people), such as middle and high-level managers, outstanding employees, and potential cadres, and found that more than 90% of them have Excessively strong "traumatized" feelings.
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They are constantly succeeding, and they are constantly experiencing "suffering".

At the same time, the emotional consultant found that those who can comfort themselves in time or pay attention to the "wound" through other people's comfort can then quickly adjust their work status and lead their departments with a stronger attitude.However, those who did not make it through this phase lost their positions within a short period of time (on average no more than three weeks).Either they were demoted, or they left the place in a failed posture to recover their wounds alone.

The difference between the two people's results lies in their understanding of confidence and whether they distinguish between strong intentions and eagerness for success.

Work under strong intentional control is commitment to purpose, planning, and passion to create.Efforts driven by eagerness for quick success only live in a hypothetical future, a sprint of excitement is a process of continuous fermentation of extreme emotions.So, on the one hand, he tried to get the result by chance, and his mentality was impetuous; on the other hand, he assumed the outcome of failure, which made him more urgent and expected to get a good result.This often creates an emotional rush in us.

What is the key difference between the two mindsets?It is an action determined by different emotional states.

The former ultimately translates into more efficient and successful powerful actions that achieve success in a very smooth manner; the latter just makes one forget everything else in life and the goal becomes utilitarian.Like Haimer, once it is realized, life loses its meaning immediately.

This emotion is hardly noticed by most people.Today, false emotional states (perhaps real reactions of the subconscious mind) are invading every corner, cell and detail of life in every human being.Our work, our sleep, our thoughts, our sex, our creativity, our location, and even our perceptions of what happened in the past are all being emotionally tracked, measured, controlled, shared and displayed.

We make mistakes every day, not only of fact, but of emotion and judgment.There are blind spots in people's vision and emotional gaps, which lead to shifts in attention and huge errors in cognition.For example, sometimes we can't even answer the simplest questions—
Did I get mad at the meeting yesterday?
Is the boss satisfied with my report in the morning?

Can I really do it 100%?
These questions pop up all the time to catch your weaknesses, put you at a disadvantage, and always draw "negative" conclusions based on one-sided information-"I'm a fool." Or, "I need to be forced to It hurts to do something!" Then you can only steer yourself by guesswork, and take any risk with courage, not reason.

The reality is creepy.In the range that cannot be broken through, you are caught in an emotional cycle: you start to comfort yourself desperately every day, but return to the original state in the evening.It's like when you leave the office every day, an untouched form is thrown on the desk and reused the next morning.In fact, it's still waiting for you to pick it up again the next day, yet doing nothing.

It's ridiculous, isn't it?

So, look at my steps, the premise is that you have to start right away, not put it aside and tell yourself to do it tomorrow.

Step 1: Positive Mental Orientation - I Can, I Can!
When doing something, say silently in your heart: "Why can't I? I can definitely." The key is to read out the reason while silently chanting to support your own judgment, otherwise it will lose its meaning.

Positive psychological positioning is a method for individuals to self-help through positive self-suggestion and self-encouragement.People's self-evaluation is actually a kind of suggestion to ourselves, and it has a great relationship with our behavior, which can bring positive actions instead of pushing forward the work in hand under negative emotions.

In fact, the gap in people's intelligence is not too big (except for some once-in-a-century geniuses), and almost all are affected by whether their emotions are positive-it is the key factor that determines success or failure.Therefore, in the first step, you should constantly imply to yourself that what others can do, I can also do well.Always believe that you can do it, and you must be able to do it very well.

To promote a win-win result for yourself: if you succeed, your self-confidence will be strengthened; Manipulating it, how good or bad the situation is, is within my control."

Step 2: An objective evaluation - "That's who I am."

(End of this chapter)