Self-control 2: How to control your emotions and destiny?

Chapter 22 Hatred: Looking at the World Through a Transforming Mirror (3)
When I enlightened Zhu Xiaomei, I told a story that I personally experienced in China.

My assistant consultant, Annie, joined the job two years ago and has been working very diligently for the past two years.I don't know much about her, and I seldom talk about personal affairs, and I only communicate briefly at work.I'm a serious person, so Annie didn't feel close to me, she was always respectful, and I even felt that she was a little cautious.

I don't reject this kind of subordinate-subordinate relationship, but I feel very comfortable with it.

One day, I came out of the office and was going to go to the roof to get some air. The recent work was overwhelming me.I was just about to find a chair to sit down when Annie was mysteriously on the phone around the corner.

Out of curiosity, I quietly moved aside to eavesdrop.So what did I hear?
Annie said: "The price you gave is a bit low. If there is room for negotiation, I can consider it. Just a few days! I will give you an answer as soon as possible."

God!look what i foundFortunately, I heard it in time, otherwise my most trusted person would have sold me out!I thought angrily.Recently, the company is negotiating a project, and the price has not been negotiated, and the client has no sign of backing down, and it seems to be a little bit confident.It turned out that Annie was playing tricks behind her back, and she must have benefited a lot from it!
In the next few days, I paid special attention to Anne's whereabouts. She always called in a low voice during the break.Isn't this betrayal?I firmly believe.

As for Annie's work, I always find fault with it, and even the coffee she brews, I think, is full of a hateful taste of betrayal.One day, I finally broke out and reprimanded her very severely for the first time, and she just accidentally dripped a little water on a routine report I asked for.

Annie burst into tears on the spot, and I asked her why her work status was so poor recently, did she not want to work with me, and wanted to jump to a place that could give her a higher salary as soon as possible.If she thinks so, I'll pay her her wages immediately and let her go.

Annie was full of grievances. She kept apologizing, saying that her younger brother had cancer. These days, she had to sell the house left by her parents to treat his younger brother, so she missed work.She didn't complain if I insisted on firing her.In the end, she said that the client had just confirmed that the profit could be waived, and the details could be arranged and discussed in detail immediately.

You see, my "imagination" almost cost me a good assistant, and worst of all, it made me a blind man.

Accept - we can't afford to say no

Torre is not yet 40 years old this year, but his severe baldness makes him look almost 60 years old.He is a businessman based in San Francisco, the owner of a lifting equipment manufacturing company, and he has no serious physical illnesses, except for the depression, panic and anxiety that he shows to us.

Since taking the emotional management course, Torrey has been restless, as if something important has been consuming his energy and making him unable to pull out his legs.

He said: "Paul, please forgive my state, I am entangled in tedious affairs, not a minute is mine. Before coming to consult, I did a long time of ideological struggle, because I was afraid that this process would waste myself Too much time will expose my weaknesses. Most importantly, I can't safely hand over my company to people under me. I don't trust them. They have the potential to screw things up. If so, hundreds of Many people are going to pack up their beds and go to the street to drink the northwest wind. But I can't take back the power I released just because I don't trust it, just like sometimes you trust a bad person and know that he will do something inappropriate. It's hard to take back trust, isn't it? That's where I'm at right now because it's going to discredit me. It's just so anxiety-provoking and I'm torn and hopeless. What to do?"

Torrey exposed his problems thoroughly.He is always resisting his emotions. This resistance is reflected in two aspects: one is that he doesn't trust his subordinates;What a prolific man he was, producing both cranes and troubles.So he was locked into the troubles of his own production.

Obviously, if a person is like him, he can't concentrate on doing anything, and it's hard to do well.

Torre went on to say: "Just the other day, I was caught in another needless worry. I had to rush to a business appointment, but it was too far away. In the northeast of San Francisco, the car needed to go through a bumpy road. Mountain road. I was worried that I would be late, and I was afraid that I would be teased by the other party and cause customer dissatisfaction. I was anxious, and I kept thinking about it in my mind: what if the car had a problem halfway? What if it fell into a ravine? The driver also looks a little sleepy. If he is distracted or dozed off... Along the way, my brain is constantly sketching out various possible situations, which makes me feel very entangled, my body is stiff, and I can't help hugging the briefcase. Close in his arms, staring at the driver's back with wide eyes."

I asked: "And then?"

"My behavior and expression made the driver very uncomfortable. He slowed down the car, turned the rearview mirror to my face, and asked with concern: 'Sir, what's the matter with you?' I was frightened by my excessive nervousness. I jumped, and said to the driver in embarrassment, it’s okay, I’m just too tired, and today’s appointment is very important, and the road is not easy to walk, I’m a little worried, just don’t be late. The driver told me quickly, this kind of worry is okay Necessary, and hinted to me that he is a person with good driving skills and stable driving. Although I heard the driver's assurance, I still couldn't relax my nerves, so I arrived at the destination all the way, and I showed no grace along the way. It made me hate myself."

When recalling the situation that day, Torrey's face was still full of dislike and strong annoyance towards himself.Have you ever encountered this situation?I think many people have deja vu.When faced with an unknown environment, people will unconsciously fall into continuous panic, create room for imagination for themselves, distrust the person who determines your destiny, and then fear that they will encounter misfortune.

In most cases - our worries are useless and unnecessary.In fact, we also found out afterwards that this was indeed the case, and it was always a false alarm.

I told Torrey to calm down, then asked him with a smile, "These are just your assumptions, did you have one or two instances where you confirmed your concerns?"

"No, Paul. The things I feared never actually happened."

"OK, so according to your worries at the time, what should you do if those unfortunate things happen? Can you change the outcome of things at that time?"

He shook his head and told me no, there was nothing he could do if there was a car accident, or if he was really late.

I spread my hands and said to Torre: "This problem is simple. Since you can't control the result, and you can't immediately change to a new driver. These factors are out of your control, so you can only let nature take its course. Right? The only thing you can do is remind the driver to drive slowly and pay attention to safety. If you can think through this layer smoothly, you will realize that your worry is meaningless to change the event, just You're resisting what's happening. What else can you do? Your anxiety is just adding to your bad mood."

Then Torre figured it out, and he wrote me an email saying, "Yes, I have to let go and accept what's inside me. There's no point in resisting. Because if something is going to happen, it's going to happen." The reasons for the situation—these reasons are not within my control, and all I can control is myself. When I face it calmly, I can let it go. I have now accepted all the situations and my mood has returned to calm. Now, I I can finally read magazines quietly at home and adjust my mood. I feel full of energy and handle things with ease, and I no longer feel like I have an old heart.”

First of all, we must surrender to the current state and accept the reality-for our hearts, surrender is a calm gesture. Only by accepting can we better face ourselves.This is the opportunity for change. If you just refuse and refuse to face the reality, you will not be able to transform to a better side.

In our many instances over the years, I have found that the concept of acceptance does not exist in the consciousness of many people.They see their resistance as an act of the "strong".Just like Torrey, some people say that he is a person who confronts problems toughly. Although he is under a lot of pressure, he will never give in and never give in.

In the process of multiplying the pressure, his emotional state became worse and worse, and various additional reactions appeared, such as insomnia, depression, fear, suspicious, psychological imbalance and other emotional diseases followed.This plunged him into a long period of confusion.In his eyes, the world is also distorted.

If you're always clinging to the problem, obsessed with the annoyance it gives you, even if you run out of energy, it probably won't help.You're just imagining the fact that it didn't happen, which doesn't solve the problem, but increases the pain.You have to go back to the pure heart space, connect with positive, positive awareness, and touch that which is tangible.

Emotional Self-Management Course
control malicious imagination
Kick off the details: You must try not to think about too small details, they will take up a lot of your time and cause you too much clueless thinking, it is easy to expand some small problems in this kind of thinking.Once your focus of thought is drawn to them, it is not easy to break away from them.

Focus on the whole: You have to learn how to control the overall trend, and enhance the positive emotions from the overall positive trend.This is necessary for any work, and the correctness of the whole determines our results.Only when the whole is correct can the details be meaningful, and can we put an end to our unnecessary imagination and speculation.

Don't be burdened: You have to let yourself do everything according to the plan. As long as the plan stipulates, don't give yourself too much psychological burden.Just do it, and unless it turns out that some part of the plan is wrong, you just stare at the result instead of imagining the process under heavy pressure.

Exclude orders: Don't order yourself what goals you must achieve-this is an incentive for vicious imagination.Because "must" means that mistakes may be made, and once mistakes mean bad results.You only need to stipulate the degree to which you can do things to be perfect, instead of ordering yourself to complete it.Your plan should bring you a rich experience and ensure you have a relaxed work and life state.

◎The positive force of irrationality
Would some say that a negative emotion like hatred can only breed evil in our hearts?Can't these bad emotions be poured out of the body like waste water, and can't they be converted between positive and negative?No - if this irrational force can become rational, it will give birth to a positive force, and it will make you grow faster.We just need to find a suitable method to realize this conversion step.

How can negative emotions also produce powerful positive forces?
A technology company boss shrugged and said, "Oh... you're fired, get the hell out of here! This is the only sentence I can think of that will change your minds in a short period of time. I think you must feel Shocked, and then they called me a liar, a villain, and then what? You have to prove yourself, in anger and can't wait to do a better job, shut me up."

It's a win-win - the boss's trick is to stir up the wrath of his underlings.I have seen many managers use this method. They deliberately criticize their subordinates, create pressure, tension, dissatisfaction and moderate "humiliation" for them, and then provide them with sufficient conditions to prove themselves, and finally improve the team's morality. output.A relatively harsh environment can sometimes give birth to a person's determination to defeat himself and his opponents, so that his will to fight can be skyrocketed in a short period of time, and unexpected results can be achieved.

Mr. Wu is the general manager of a logistics company in Shanghai. He told me the story of his own experience:
My family background was not very good, my parents were both farmers, and my trustee relationship helped me introduce a job in a food company, where I worked as a salesperson for two years.Because of his low education and lack of special skills, apart from working hard, he basically didn't think about any promotion or becoming a leader.As a newcomer, in order to make a good impression on my colleagues, I basically did all the chores in the company, such as serving tea and water, ordering meals, picking up packages, sweeping the floor and cleaning tables, opening doors for leaders, and helping colleagues with jobs they dislike, etc. .I am very satisfied with my performance, and the leaders slowly began to pay attention to me.Since I can write some company materials, the leader transferred me to be the general manager's secretary.

Since this incident, my colleagues' views on me have changed.They chatted a lot of "negative" things about me quietly behind my back.Some people say that I am just a "pawn" who can only flirt, some people say that I am a "cream scholar who can only write", and some people say that I am a related account of the general manager's family. In fact, I have no ability at all. No.

Once, I heard colleagues talking about "who will be the next general manager" in the bathroom, and someone said it was probably me.At this time, another person immediately took over and said, "Just rely on him? 20 years from now! What can a farmer do?" I happened to be in the bathroom at the time, and when I heard all this, my face flushed immediately, and I said I can't even speak.These prejudices, sarcasm, and slander hurt me deeply. They not only underestimated my ability, but also despised my origin and my family.

I was angry and annoyed that day.Shame swept over me, and feelings of hatred began to brew in my heart.I told myself that I must turn over and teach this group of people who look down on me a good lesson.However, I soon became a little discouraged.I thought, what can I do?Are they looking down on me because of discrimination, or am I really unconvincing?What should I do to convince them?
Thinking about it this way, I actually started to hate myself.Don't blame others, it's because I'm too weak, that's why I taught people the tongue.That night, I decided not to hate those who looked down on me, but to "hate" myself.

So, I made a very strict study and change plan for myself.For example, insist on learning new knowledge every day to improve professional level; obtain higher professional titles, learn foreign languages, ask others for advice, and don't care about those who temporarily look down on me; formulate feasible strategic plans for the department, etc.At that time, I just thought that I must prove myself to them.

A year later, the company was going to select a department director internally, and I was the one nominated.Later, the person who said in the toilet that I would be the general manager in 20 years, was really my subordinate for 20 years.

look!When you are determined to "compete" with yourself, one day, you will be able to make others look at you with admiration.

This approach exploits the emotional mechanism of stress rebound.Like a spring, the tighter you compress it, the stronger it bounces back.Of course, the premise is that we have to be precise, and don't use excessive force to press this spring until it loses its elasticity completely.When the anxiety and pressure exceed the limit that a person can bear, not only will he not be able to burst out with a stronger fighting spirit, but he may give up suddenly, simply smash the pot and do nothing.

So the first principle we should grasp as we use the power of irrationality is where it stands for you.If it is acceptable to you, then no problem, you are sure to complete the transformation, stimulate yourself to generate positive power, you can try it boldly; on the contrary, if the negative pressure is too great, beyond the scope of your resistance and control, you should Be cautious, at least don't risk putting yourself in "jeopardy".

For example, in order to stimulate their potential, some people make promises to their bosses that cannot be fulfilled in a short period of time. In the end, their bosses are very angry and they are also embarrassed.Therefore, judgment is always important.

Emotional Self-Management Course
lead to irrationality

Discrimination: You must recognize whether the emotion is positive or harmful at the moment, and this is the most important job in the first session.If it is more harmful than positive, it should be eliminated early, rather than allowing it to spread more and more until you can't bear it.

Analysis: You must analyze in detail which irrational emotion is what you need.If it doesn't need it, it has no positive power.Just like we don't need to overfulfill a certain work in a short period of time, it is completely unnecessary to put too much pressure on ourselves.

Set: Set a value for it and stick to it.This value must be a red line. Below the red line, it is the range you can bear; above the red line, you cannot complete it.

Principles: Establish governance principles.That is, when you feel that you still have the ability to continue, you can continue to complete the conversion of pressure according to the original plan; otherwise, you should stop immediately and make an explanation to the relevant parties.

Channeling: directing it towards a positive need, not a negative range.What you should try to avoid is that when dealing with irrational emotions, instead of generating positive power, it will make your negative emotions more serious.This requires a certain level of self-control on your part, otherwise don't use this method.

(End of this chapter)