Self-control 2: How to control your emotions and destiny?

Chapter 21 Hatred: Looking at the World Through a Transforming Mirror (2)
This shows that no matter what right and wrong we get into, if we want to start over and get rid of the troubles, we must first release the past.Among the large number of cases in emotional management courses, the stories we most often see are related to "emotional harm"-attacks and disputes between people, whether you hurt others, or others hurt you, will end up Damage to the soul is inevitable, and the same is true for the strong.

A child who doesn't like tolerance will always fight with his neighbor's friends.It's nothing, children grow up playing and fighting.I still remember a friend who was angry with other children for several weeks when he was six or seven years old, but the emotional state of this child seemed to be too serious.

The reason for this comes from his parents, who often started family battles and turned their home into an emotional battlefield.Children follow suit, it's as simple as that.When he grows up, he will also care about everything, and he will look at everything and treat anyone with a pair of deformed glasses.

Tongtong, a 15-year-old girl, dropped out of school because she felt that her teachers hated her, her classmates didn't want to make friends with her, and she didn't like them either. She would rather stay at home than go to school.

Tongtong lives in a single-parent family. Because her father had an affair, her mother chose to divorce.Before that, parents would have a quarrel every day, and the content of the quarrel was unsightly.Tongtong often hugged the quilt and cried secretly in the dark room. When she was 8 years old, Tong Tong was once blamed by her teacher for forgetting to bring her homework. The teacher suspected that she was lazy and did not write. She felt wronged, but she did not tell anyone about it.Gradually, she became withdrawn, unwilling to talk to the teacher, and her relationship with her classmates became worse and worse.

She felt that teachers and classmates looked at her strangely, and they must have laughed at her about homework.This incident haunted her and affected her every day, and she began to hate everything around her.

Once, the deskmate accidentally dripped ink on her clothes, Tongtong picked up the ink and splashed it on the deskmate without saying a word.The deskmate cried and told the teacher, and sincerely apologized to Tongtong that she didn't do it on purpose, but Tongtong didn't appreciate it, and she felt that the deskmate would not forgive herself.

In order to prove her idea, she deliberately got ink on the clothes at the same table again.After the teacher found out, he called Tongtong's parents and told them about Tongtong's problems. After returning home, Tongtong no longer wanted to go to school.

What exactly is tolerance and is it so difficult to achieve?In fact, it is like an inconspicuous door around us. If you see it, you can easily step in; Every other day."

When you are hurt, for example, your interests are damaged by some customers, or you lose orders, are defeated by colleagues, and take away your "benefits" - these things can be called harm, because they let You suffered a loss—resentment is the first thought in our minds, followed by some urge to retaliate.

A department manager of Dell complained to me: "When I worked hard for half a year, the boss announced that the position belonged to Kobe. I really wanted to shoot him to death."

A Washington securities firm boss resentful over a stock drop told me, "When I lose $2000 million, I want to blow up Wall Street."

When this kind of hatred begins to dominate one's life and become the driving force of thinking, people will always be unable to extricate themselves from the painful emotions of resentment, injustice, anger, and revenge, and they will not be able to get rid of the nightmare.Then—even if he succeeds in revenge and makes this emotion vent successfully, it will not be able to stop the spread of his depression and sadness, but will cause even greater harm to him and others.

Most importantly, this can lead to a total emotional breakdown in a person who loses control, questions his abilities, and exhibits other syndromes.For example, a person who cannot control his emotions is usually not only a patient with crazy personality, but also a patient with low self-esteem and procrastination.He will never have peace, and can only pray in the "secret room" alone.

However, if he knows how to forgive from the beginning and knows how to release his emotions with a tolerant attitude, he will be able to get the answer to the question early and turn negative emotions into positive and powerful forces.

Forgiveness has a mystical, divine aura that frees us from past time trajectories; it means that you don't hold onto the past so tightly that you refuse to let go, and that you no longer live yesterday, but It is easy to move towards tomorrow.You have aspirations for the future, and you are sure to be able to fulfill those aspirations.

In the previous section, we talked about the worst mass shooting in American history, which still makes people sigh.The cruel behavior of prisoner Cho Seung-hee really made people indignant, but should we have a deep reflection when we are angry?

A memorial service was held for the victims on the Virginia Tech playground following the shooting.In addition to the memorial monument for the 33 victims, there is also a memorial stone for the murderer Cho Seung-hee.Like the other dead, some flowers and candles were placed beside this stele, and on Cho Seung-hee’s memorial stone, the condolences left by those living are very moving:

"I am very saddened to know that you did not get the help you needed. May your family be comforted and calm soon." (Barbera)
“From now on, if I see a child like you, I will reach out to him, give him courage and strength, and make his life better.” (David)

"Hope you know I'm not too mad at you, I don't hate you. It hurts so much that you've had no help or comfort. All love is contained in it." (Laura)

At the memorial ceremony, no one rebuked and abused him angrily, and all the people present prayed with tears.People comforted Cho Seung-hee's family, feeling sad, heartbroken and reflecting on the loss of social culture and care.This is undoubtedly people's "forgiveness" to Cho Seung-hee, and it is also a kind of comfort to his family.Isn't this social atmosphere and culture of tolerance and caring for humanity exactly what we need?
No matter how severe the condemnation, revenge, and punishment are, they are meaningless.Hatred will only make people live in pain and memories, but forgiveness can give Cho Seung Hee's family spiritual comfort.They will not lose the meaning of life because of the hatred and discrimination of the society.After receiving everyone's tolerance, they will spread this kind of mind to the society and pass it on to other people, and the society will become warm and tolerant.

Unfortunately, most of us have an extremely stubborn psychological tendency to cling to our old self-perceptions and take them with us to the grave.Because sticking to it makes people feel that they are in a comfortable and safe zone, they are used to accepting these familiar concepts, and they are used to fear, doubt and hostility to protect themselves from "aggression".

Where do these emotions come from?Past events and experiences are gradually internalized as part of the soul over time and become a "stubborn truth".These negative perceptions prevent us from forgiving others and deny us to forgive ourselves.It holds you by the legs and prevents you from growing or releasing your inner energy until you fall at its feet and become its slave.

It's like a car's brakes.It's like trying to start a car with the brakes on, no matter how hard you apply the accelerator, the car will have a hard time moving.What if you let go of it?In fact, when you release the brake, the car can easily start and drive far away.This is the value of tolerance.

Our old perceptions, erroneous or limiting thoughts, feelings and experiences are a brake deep within the psyche.It weakens our bodies and slows down our life processes.You have to make up your mind to release them, and then replace them with positive cognitions, so that you can cross your emotional safety zone, say goodbye to angry emotions, and make enough room for healthy emotions.

This will bring about a fundamental change and will also make it easier and more effective to attract into our world the positive things that we so much desire and look forward to in our lives.

So, what is tolerance?Let's look at Mandela's experience - in South Africa, he was imprisoned several times and spent 27 years in prison in order to fight for the freedom and equal rights of black people.If only this is the case, Mandela cannot be called a great man, because there are too many prisoners who have been imprisoned for decades all over the world.What he did after gaining power touched the world-he did not choose to retaliate against the white people, but instead, he chose forgiveness and reconciliation.

When he was released from prison, Mandela said: "When I walked out of the cell and stepped through the prison gate leading to freedom, I knew that if I couldn't leave my grief and resentment behind, then I was still in prison."

At the inauguration ceremony of the President of South Africa, Mandela specially invited the three jailers who had been responsible for imprisoning him to participate in the ceremony, and paid them a respectful tribute-without any affectation, out of sincerity.Mandela thought he had to, because gratitude and tolerance come from pain and suffering.It is precisely because he learned how to control his emotions in prison that he managed to survive without committing suicide or taking other extreme actions.The torment of the opponent has actually contributed to his transformation. Shouldn't this be grateful?

Giving up means purifying yourself.Whatever it is, if it is a painful experience for you, then whatever it is, get rid of it.Only when the mind is free can our creativity be free and our emotions be "oxygenated".

unaffected by malicious emotions

The most common mistake people make is "punishing themselves for other people's mistakes".Therefore, whatever you do, don't be disturbed by other people's malicious emotions.Although we cannot completely detach ourselves from the outside world and ignore it, we should not allow these disturbances to affect our normal state.

Some people often have this kind of thought after being irritated: "I'm going to be so mad at him, that guy, I must let him taste my power, I must show him some color!" People yelled and lost their composure in public.

Why so angry?It could be because "the guy" is badmouthing him behind his back, or it could be because a co-worker is embarrassing him in front of his boss and slandering his project proposal.

But does that give him the right to be exasperated?The purpose of the other party to irritate you is to make you lose control of your emotions.If you do what he wants, the other party's purpose will be achieved, which means that you have completely fallen for it.

This kind of situation is very common in real life, and it is easy to be irritated, which is not a good phenomenon.On the one hand, it will leave an emotional impression on people; on the other hand, it will affect your own life and work.These opposing emotions surround you, occupy your energy to think about other work, and make you a person who even hates yourself without knowing it.

let go of hatred

Every person who harbors hatred can hardly forget how he was "sorry" by others, so it is extremely difficult to drive out the demons.Their instinctive habit is - how can I forgive this person for hurting me so much?Or, if I don't take revenge, won't others look down on me?

Under the persuasion of these reasons, it was difficult for him to give up his hatred, and he went to work every day with anger, and he became a troublemaker.This not only failed to solve the problem, but caused trouble for himself.How do your bosses see you, and how do your colleagues get along with you?Over time, it will be difficult for you to carry out your own work, your boss will have a bad impression of you, and your colleagues will also alienate you.Ultimately, hate hurts yourself.

Many problems are magnified not by others, but by our own sensibilities.Some arguments are within the normal range but are viewed as hostility.In reality, they're not that serious.

For example, some people do a few "bad things" on a certain day, which makes you very upset, and you can't wait to go up and give him a few slaps.However, if you take a look in the other party's world and think about it from the other party's standpoint, you may come to completely opposite conclusions.That person is not bad, he just accomplished something that he thinks is right; or in other words, when they do some "bad things" that you think, they have their own very acceptable reasons, not to make things difficult for you.

What should you do if you encounter a stubborn situation, or if we set up a powerful barrier for ourselves—a powerful ego limit?

We can only live in the present, and we can never go back to the past.At this time, we should calm down and think carefully: "What am I planning?"

Even if I don't choose tolerance, what can hatred do for me?There is nothing positive about it but worries, anxieties, narrowness, pain, and endless tangles.If you don't come out, you can only stay here, using the "past" to punish your present and future.

Please answer me: Do you want to take these burdens on the road to adapt to the rules of competition in this society?It's like carrying a mountain on your back, there will always be a moment when you will be crushed and never get up again.

So, change the angle!Tell yourself: "The person who made me feel very uncomfortable has affected my life, and my mood cannot be affected." I believe that you must be able to realize that you must protect your precious energy and use it today and the future, rather than wasting on "brooding" about the past.

Emotional Self-Management Course
write down your reasons
★"I hate when my boss takes credit for my work. It happens all the time. What's even more annoying is that my colleagues are not on my side and they don't see it."

★"What is going on in this society? There are incidents that I cannot tolerate almost every day. I am very anxious and angry about this."

★"I don't want to forgive him, because I'm afraid there will be a next time, what if he pushes forward?"

★"Efforts are always not rewarded. I am full of resentment, so I often get angry at my family and even beat my children. But how can I solve the fundamental problem?"

★"The lack of friends is that I am not tolerant? No communication, no talk, no one to give me advice, I feel like I am living on an isolated island, and I am about to die alone."

★"I think there is no tolerance in my world, because everyone is not tolerant to each other. If anyone bows his head first, he will be bullied forever, and his mood will be even worse at that time. Therefore, we still have many problems to solve, Everyone should reflect, including me of course!"

◎Break the imagination space

The root of many bad emotions is not based on the fact that happened objectively, but we assume some events that are not good for us.Just like some people subconsciously believe that "human nature is evil", he will feel that if he is not vigilant, others will frame him, and he will definitely use all conditions to deceive him.
-
Colleagues went to the boss behind his back, and when they came out, they concealed their whereabouts from him, so he wondered: "Is this guy going to report me?"--they stopped talking as soon as I came, and they must be talking bad about me.
-
He didn't say hello to me in the elevator today, did I offend him?
-
Was she belittling me by talking to me in that tone?

The 'Saint' Victimization Fantasy - People Targeting You?
People often fall into many meaningless entanglements and sad sighs: what is right and what is wrong?What is good and what is bad?Why am I so unlucky?They said sadly, how should I face this situation?Who can help me?

They dress themselves up as saints, and then create some corresponding emotions, shift the responsibility to the people around them or the environment, and find reasons for themselves.

Others suffer from substantial depression, where they see things in a pessimistic, negative way, without anything positive to pin on.Therefore, they lack the motivation to do things and tend to get cold feet.Sometimes when you encounter a blow that is not serious, you will become decadent and lose your willpower.When you persuade them to cheer up, their attitude is often: "Whatever you love, I'm just like this!"

Their attitude towards life is pessimistic and empty, their attitude towards relationships is negative, and they are full of suspicion and malicious speculation about others.In front of work, no matter what must be done or forced, I have no interest, no motivation, and no goal.

These people generally have the habit of insomnia and lethargy, and are easily fatigued even when they are not working.Even if you just got up from bed after 12 hours of sleep, you might just want to go back to bed and sleep with your head covered for half an hour after eating; if you go to work in this state, you will not be able to concentrate and your efficiency will not be high , and also feel that their work is worthless, and in severe cases, they may also feel guilty (hate and despise themselves), and have the urge to commit suicide.

Imagination is the source of our wisdom and the fundamental driving force for all people to seek knowledge.When a person loses his imagination, he takes in all the information of the past and loses the ability to create.But over-imagining, even going into a victimization situation, creates another closed environment for us that tells you how dark the outside world is, how unfriendly everyone is -- and that's what you think of already" All", so no need for self-examination.

How dire would such an outcome be?
Lift the lid off your head -- what's the truth?
Don't be fooled by these illusions anymore!Lift the lid off your head.Even if we can't see people's real psychology, we can put ourselves in their shoes and think: Maybe they are afraid of you like this.You stare covetously, seeing that no one is pleasing to the eye, and it is too late for others to back away from you, who would dare to harm you?

(End of this chapter)