Self-control 2: How to control your emotions and destiny?

Chapter 20 Hatred: Looking at the World Through a Transforming Mirror (1)
Our old perceptions, false and limiting thoughts, feelings and experiences, slow down our progress in life.Only by making up your mind to release them and replace them with positive cognitions can you cross your emotional safety zone.

◎A man who steals shadows
What is hatred?Simply put, it is a comprehensive emotion of dissatisfaction, hatred, contempt and desire to attack others.It mostly happens in our social relationships, and there are occasional cases of "self-hate", but not many.In the process of getting along with others, due to various complicated contradictions and conflicts among people, some emotional confrontations will arise.If the conflict is not resolved in a timely and effective manner, and it takes root in one party's heart, hatred will eventually evolve.

This kind of extreme emotional expression will distort a person's mind, and even destroy his normal life state, make him live in pain and anxiety all day long, and drown his positive and positive imagination of life, making him negative and decadent.

A person who is controlled by hatred will, at certain times, become very unlike himself—an uncontrolled, lost state.Just like Zhu Xiaomei, she was often ridiculed and made things difficult by others, but she was unable to solve it. The sense of humiliation gradually escalated, and finally burned into a fire of hatred.Zhu Xiaomei's hatred shows that she is actually living in the shadow of others.

Moreover, hatred does not only occur in some rare and deep conflicts. Sometimes even if it is just some normal friction (we can solve it with a smile), if it cannot be calmed down in a short time, those who are weak in heart will take this This slight friction escalates actively, generating feelings of hatred.Once out of control, he is prone to emotional revenge impulses, and even do incredible things.

Case [-]: Other people's children

Little Taylor has become more introverted lately and becomes depressed when he gets home.He avoided his parents, didn't want to talk to them, and didn't even want to sit with them when eating, which made little Taylor's mother, Mrs. Wilson, very distressed.Until one day, Mrs. Wilson discovered a strange thing: little Taylor always likes to walk behind others, and likes to step on other people's shadows.

At the beginning, Mrs. Wilson simply thought that stepping on shadows might be fun for children, but after a few months, she found that her son not only liked to step on other people’s shadows, but was also afraid of standing in the sun. Sunshine or moonlight, my son refused to go out.She asked little Taylor if he had any troubles, but little Taylor refused to say anything.

Mrs. Wilson felt that the son might have a mental problem, and they had to consult a professional.

The emotional counselor had separate conversations with Little Taylor and Mrs. Wilson.Here's what the two have to say:
Mrs. Wilson's statement—
He's been acting weird lately, very depressed, a lot less verbal, and I can hardly see him smiling.The most uncomfortable thing for me is that he didn't want to talk to us a word, and immediately got into the bedroom when I got home. Every time I just wanted to open my mouth to say something, he would say "I see" impatiently. Didn't say anything!
How did he become like this?It breaks my heart so much.

Little Taylor's statement——
Emotional consultant: Why step on the shadow of others?
Little Taylor: I think I can steal his shadow by overlapping my shadow with someone else's.I like to step on the shadow of Charles the most, because my mother always said: "Charles is really amazing" "Look at Charles, he is a genius" "Charles is my ideal educational achievement" "You learn from others Charles"...Charles Everything is fine, he is the "successful son" in my mother's mind, and I am a failure that cannot make her feel proud at all.I hope to step on the shadow of someone my mother is satisfied with, so that I can be perfect.

Emotional counselor: Do you feel better after stealing someone else's shadow?
Little Taylor: No, not at all.I quietly stole other people's shadows. This is a disgraceful act. For this, I am very sad, but I can't stop.I dare not tell anyone, especially my mom.If she knew that this son who was full of failures now had another act of stealing, she would be disappointed to death.do you know?Sometimes I really want to trample the shadow of Charles to death so that there will never be a "perfect Charles" again.

When we told Mrs. Wilson what Little Taylor had said, she was stunned.She said: "No one can compare to Taylor, even if he becomes a fool. I can't imagine him thinking that way. He cares so much about my words. I just want to make him better and find a reference for him. role models, like Charles."

Little Taylor suffered from moderate depression, and it was Mrs. Wilson who planted the seeds of dissatisfaction in his heart that caused him to be so.Little Taylor lives in the shadow of Charles all the time, without normal encouragement, and extremely lacks self-recognition, which leads to the behavior of stealing the shadow-he has a serious hatred for Charles.

In China, I believe everyone hated to hear the words "other people's children" when they were young. Other people's children are good at everything, and we are always inferior to other people's children. A textbook character with no worries.Therefore, we often live in the shadow of others.

Case [-]: She is like my shadow

Wu Xiao, a young man from a university in Chongqing, told us her story.

"I have a good friend who has played with me since I was a child. We have a very good relationship. We have been together since kindergarten, and later went to middle school and high school. We both thought that each other would always be by each other's side. We also fantasized about getting married and having children together. , living in a nursing home. Many people are very envious of us and call us "sisters of one body". But what I never expected was that when she finished the college entrance examination and filled out her volunteers, she actually filled in a school that we had never talked about. , In fact, her grades are only one point away from mine, and she can go to the same school. I couldn't understand why, so I questioned why she didn't want to go to the same university as me.

"She looked very sad at the time, but she said to me seriously and honestly that she didn't want to be my shadow anymore. We are both alike in every way, but I am better than her. If we stand together, others will always I can only see me, she is like my shadow, living behind me. As long as I am there, she will never shine. Since then, our contact has become less and less. Until one day, She emailed me and she said she finally found her place, she showed the picture of us both to the guy she liked and that guy became the first and only one who didn't ask 'who's that girl next to you ', later, she finally knew that she could live in the sun."

Many times, we are all influenced by the judgment of others, and slowly, this judgment will seep into our hearts and make us believe in it.In fact, many evaluations from the outside world are based on personal preferences. Some people think you are good, and some people think he is good. This cannot be an excuse for us to live in the shadow of others.You can learn from a person, imitate a person, but you cannot completely become that person, because then you are not yourself.

Always living in the shadow of others will only make you suffer more and will not lead to any progress.You have to break through yourself and dig out the most unique things in yourself.

Break through myself - "I want to bid farewell to the past!"

After recognizing the problem, taking decisive action is the best choice to make.Whatever our past was, you shouldn't think about it now, but you shouldn't forget it entirely either.How do we usually treat our memories?Yes, take it out and play the movie again when you have nothing to do, and feel the immature yesterday--that's all.

Reinvent yourself - "I want to usher in a brand new me!"

Reinventing yourself is so hard because habit is so powerful.But we should not feel that we cannot tear it down just because it is strong.Before you start, you need to make yourself fully aware of the true face of "shadow emotions" - it is very scary and can easily lead you into a situation of split personality, just like the campus killer in California who shot eight times at his classmates The reason turned out to be that some classmates laughed at the ugly shoes he was wearing.

What does the new self look like?He is a peaceful and tolerant person, and he is full of love for the world.His mirrors are neither deformed nor flat, but three-dimensional.In his world, he can see every aspect of everyone and understand everyone's behavior.

Emotional Self-Management Course
Where is your shadow?
★ "I often hate others, just to gain a short and somewhat morbid ecstasy experience, this is my shadow."

★"I can't live with myself, and I can't face reality, because I lost to my opponent, who got the highest performance this year. I can't accept this, and my heart is full of shadows."

★"I'm often in a state of confusion and panic and don't know what's going on - everything is normal, but I just don't feel right. As a result, I have a daily vigilant look that makes friends and colleagues nervous , They are not very willing to get close to me, this is my problem."

★"I imagined all kinds of possibilities that are threatening to me, and I fantasize every day: Someone wants to kill me? Maybe not, but I think there must be someone who wants to punish me and make things difficult for me, such as the taciturn guy new to the office , I always feel that he is plotting against me!"

★"I have suicidal urges, maybe once or twice a month, I can't explain the reason, maybe my work is too stressful, so I blame the world? I have to take a strategy for this, otherwise I will Split personality."

★"I'm prone to depression because I feel angry every day, but I can't find the reason."

◎Crazy Personality

According to our long-term investigation and scientific tests, people with "crazy personality" often show two extremes: kill others or kill themselves.

Type [-]: I'm going to kill myself to get your attention
Fifteen-year-old Carl suffers from severe borderline personality disorder.In five years, he committed suicide seven times repeatedly, and each time he was brought back to life, he always told his parents that he wanted to die.After being sent to the hospital for emergency treatment again, Carl Jr. told the doctor that he felt that his parents did not love him enough, and only by dying could he be missed by them forever.

According to a statistic, the suicide rate among people with borderline personality disorder has reached 10%.The treatment of this condition is very difficult, and patients often commit suicide repeatedly, and their behavior and thoughts show an uncontrollable characteristic.

Do these people really want to die?Actually quite the opposite.They don't want to die, but hope to achieve a performance effect through the act of death, to attract the attention of others. Only by performing constantly can they get the attention of others and find their own sense of existence.

The frightening thing is that this kind of behavior often produces a "wolf is coming" effect. After a few such performances, people around will become numb, which has led to some patients who have attempted suicide and succeeded in suicide.In fact, he just wanted to perform, but people have lost interest in watching.

Using extreme behaviors to realize oneself has almost become the "most effective and most helpless" method for people with borderline personality disorder.

However, some patients with borderline personality disorder, his personality has reached the point of madness, suicide is not enough for them to express themselves.Therefore, they will choose a more extreme way of expression - "revenge suicide".For example, a woman who lost her lover suddenly committed suicide at her ex-boyfriend's wedding. Since I can't get happiness, you can't think about it either.

Is this the most horrible behavior?No, there are still some people who cannot appease his anger no matter what others do. At this time, he will raise a murderous prop.In their minds, living is like purgatory, someone else caused it, he didn't want it, and if he was going to die, no one else could live.This is the second crazy personality we are going to talk about next.

The second type: kill others, I can get relief

On the morning of April 2007, 4, a school shooting that shocked the world occurred at Virginia Tech University in the United States. Cho Seung-hee, a student at the school, shot and killed 16 people, and then shot himself.

What is the cause of the matter?Before the incident, Cho Seung-hee had an argument with his girlfriend, after which he shot and killed his teacher and friend.It seemed that this was a sudden incident caused by an emotional breakdown, but according to the description of someone who knew Cho Seung-hee, he had already shown violent tendencies before that. There have been acts of stalking women.

Cho Seung-hee lives in the suburbs of Washington, USA. His neighbors say he is a relatively "quiet" person, and he doesn't like to respond when he usually greets him.The students' impression of him is basically: an anonymous person, does not speak, wears a hat, sits in the last row, and rarely participates in activities.Later, the police found a stack of manuscripts in Zhao Chengxi's dormitory, and there was a sentence written in it: You forced me to do this.

Regarding the case of Cho Seung-hee, criminal psychology experts pointed out that this is an indiscriminate crime.Most people with this personality have experienced profound misfortune, or their lives are full of disappointment.For example, encounter troughs or setbacks in work, study or life, have poor interpersonal communication, and have been ridiculed, despised, or insulted by others.We can see from the cases that happened that Cho Seung-hee encountered disputes with his girlfriend, hated rich children, and did not talk to others, all of which showed his experience of being despised and rejected in life.

In fact, there are many people who have encountered these things in life, why did Cho Seung Hee make such a crazy move?The root cause of this is his character flaw.When encountering injustice, his low self-esteem, extreme, paranoid, and narrow-mindedness were brought to the extreme, which made him unable to see himself clearly, and shifted all his mistakes and responsibilities onto others. He felt that these people had no reason to be forgiven Because of this, when he shot at the crowd, he didn't have a trace of pity in his heart, and his humanity was completely wiped out.

Crazy personality will develop into dangerous personality in the end, and will eventually endanger others and hurt your own life.

In foreign legal circles, there is a "life risk assessment", which can assess the risk of a person's personality, which includes the person's behavior and attitude tendencies.If he often loses his temper, whether it is to things or people, it is a problem with his character.Based on this behavior, we can infer under what circumstances a person will definitely explode, so as to avoid such behavior as much as possible.

There are many manifestations of crazy personality, and some people also show a crazy desire for success.

We know that Li Yang, the founder of "Crazy English", has received media attention because of domestic violence incidents.Li Yang also publicly admitted that he had "carried out domestic violence" against his wife, and said that he was willing to become that negative example, so as to promote anti-domestic violence legislation.

However, what is even more concerning is that he said in front of the media: He does not love his wife, and their marriage is just a family experiment of Chinese and American education, and he does not need a family, he only desires success, And it was a huge success.

How much does Li Yang love success?His wife Kim said that Li Yang likes to be exposed, and every time they fly, he has to be the last to go up, so that his name "Li Yang" can be heard on the radio, so that everyone will pay attention he.He can sign autographs for fans and experience the feeling of being a celebrity.

Did this intensely pursued sense of success bring Li Yang happiness?In an interview, Li Yang said that he found himself suffering from severe depression. Every morning when he woke up, he would feel fear, and life was meaningless.

Jung said: "My life journey is an unconscious and self-realization journey." If we have enough reason, we can clearly realize that these crazy emotions that occur in us, although sometimes very strong, are not They are phantoms that appear and disappear.They are never "complete" facts.In other words, they are just the embodiment of our extreme personality, the product of our soul, and an outlet for bad emotions to vent.

Knowing this, we have the potential to succeed in our emotional regulation work.We need to transform unconscious self-realization into "conscious self-guidance", so as to correct the wrong operation of the mechanism of emotion generation, dispel the shadow in the heart, and correct wrong behavior habits.This is a long, difficult and complex task that will not be accomplished quickly.

Emotional Self-Management Course
Self-personality management
Reason: When a problem arises, the first thing to do is not to vent this emotion, but to think about it: what is the reason for it?Why do I have a crazy personality?Is it my own quality, the reason of interpersonal relationship, or is it related to my work?Only when you understand this point can you take subsequent actions, otherwise you will be aimless and will not achieve positive results.

Analysis: analyze the problem, then judge the possibility of self-correction, and then look for reasonable means.For example, in what ways can the current situation be changed?Is it a quiet period of time, or participate in counseling, training activities, or ask friends for help?

Correction: Realize that you are facing a major change, and then start to act according to the plan to correct your emotions.Without enough attention, it is often difficult to overcome the force of habit and achieve key results.

◎Why are we intolerant?

When dealing with conflicting emotional issues - for example, there is a conflict between you and your colleagues, most of the ways people use are to fight back rather than empathize.Most people forget about the power of forgiveness in their emotions, and this gets them into more and more serious trouble.

Forgive yourself as God forgives you, and forgive others as God forgives you.

(End of this chapter)