Self-control 2: How to control your emotions and destiny?

Chapter 19
In fact, no matter how hard you try to make yourself the type that others admire, there will still be some people who don't like you.Also, there must be someone who doesn't like you all the time.

What we really have to do is not to see what others like you, but to see what is the most comfortable state of ourselves, and strive to achieve this state.Therefore, you have to learn to accept your "self" by understanding your own strengths and weaknesses. Only in this way can you become a cheerful and courageous person who dares to express your truest side and is more acceptable to others.

always full of guilt

The fourth reason is that we always feel extremely guilty about some things, as if we should bear the responsibility.This feeling may be at various levels, for example, you lied on some key occasions and important events; or you told your wife (husband) something that should not be disclosed about her best friend (his friend) --indirectly hurt those people.These things that should not have been said become the source of your guilt.

However, what does it matter?As I said to Dima: "You have always brooded about the failure of your business, thinking that it has caused inconvenience to your relatives and troubles to your friends, so you have been in a bad mood for a long time, doubting your own responsibility for what you have undertaken. Whether the role is good or not. No matter what it is, you have to understand that the deal is done and the facts cannot be changed. All you can do is what you should do now, and all you can do is what you can do in the future."

Right now, you still have an excellent opportunity to take responsibility for your future, but treat your mental weakness and inability to act.Then you think about it again: what can I do to make myself feel less guilty in the future?

Think about this question and act without hesitation, using actions to push open the "closed door".

lack of effective interpersonal communication

Some people are afraid of hurting friends, relatives, or colleagues. He cares too much about his interpersonal relationships, but it just makes communication more difficult.Because he didn't dare to express his feelings, he made himself a self-repressing and insincere person in a disguised form, and filled his relationship circle with one-way relationships, which was ultimately untenable.

Good communication is when you can speak freely about how you feel about yourself, and tell others clearly and promptly.Indeed, people may not be "cold" about it.However, they will come to trust and give you lasting respect.People who rarely speak up, disguise themselves, or self-repress will lose their appeal to people because relationships based on dishonesty will create more anxiety.

Often, this is what is ruining your relationships, making your public image worse and worse, and yourself getting really worse.This is definitely not what you want to see.

Make adjustments from six aspects--comprehensively sublimate your "confidence generating mechanism"

Cognition: "What is my worth?"

"What is my value?" Usually, we feel that this question should be answered by others, just like human emotions, which are always widely and deeply influenced by the outside world.For example, in a specific emotional response, the emotion is not directly caused by a triggering event, but by the evaluation made by all the "individuals" who experienced this event-everyone. I feel that this forms the reason why people's collective beliefs determine the team's mood.

Similarly, people with low self-esteem often have irrational beliefs about the interpretation of events, and they also lack self-awareness. They often feel: "My value is determined by everyone." If you can change this irrational belief, it will help Elimination of inferiority complex.First of all, you must affirm your own value: "I am unique, and my existence is valuable." Second, you must understand that there are no good or bad characteristics in yourself, and they all have their value.

Ego: "I am who I am! Not anyone else, not anyone!"

Everyone is unique, and everyone exists for a reason of the Creator.Every quality in you that is unique to you, not anyone else's -- is yours.People with strong inferiority complex often have deep doubts about this. In the process of expressing themselves, due to setbacks and blows, they questioned their abilities: "Can I really do it?" I have been included in the ranks of "incompetent".

When strengthening self-awareness, do more things within your ability and with greater confidence. After you succeed in one fell swoop, you will have a joy.In building self-confidence, every success (big or small) is a reinforcement of our confidence and self-awareness.

The recovery of self-confidence needs a process, which may be very long, lasting for several weeks or even months. Don't be too anxious, and you can't expect to use simple methods to easily cut off the tentacles of inferiority.You should start with a series of small successes, complete the process through small successes and accumulations, and gradually eliminate your and others' doubts about your abilities.

When expressing yourself, don't expect too much at the beginning, don't act too hastily, and have a step-by-step mentality.Inferiority complex also has an accompanying injury-making people introverted, suspicious and sensitive, which is also an emotion that must be eliminated.Gatherings with a large number of people can be very effective.In addition, team outdoor activities can also exercise the ability to open up, cultivate the quality of tenacity and decisiveness, and gradually transition to the stage of comprehensive improvement of confidence.

Action: "I believe doing is [-] times more important than talking!"

Use practical actions to show willpower, use every step to overcome inferiority complex, build self-confidence, and conquer inner fear.If yesterday you were still boasting and indulging in fantasy, then yesterday you were still weak and weak.If you take a solid step today, you will walk out of the heart full of shyness today.

Action is the fastest and most effective way to build self-confidence - try to do the things you are most afraid of until you no longer have any fear of it, and even succeed in breaking through.After becoming an activist, you will completely overcome inferiority complex and have a very healthy confidence "hematopoietic function".

Potential: "I fully understand myself and what I need!"

what do you need?Not a simple material or spiritual goal, but the realization of self-worth.Therefore, we must pay full attention to our own potential and the potential of emotional control, discover these two specialties, mobilize and give full play to these advantages, activate these potentials, and meet our own needs in all aspects.

Support: "I am actively involved in networking and communicating and seeking support from everyone."

People with low self-esteem are usually patients with interpersonal phobias. They lack emotional communication with the outside world and cannot get, or do not want to get, external support, resulting in a vicious circle.For emotional health, interpersonal communication is very important. Without everyone's psychological support, a strong person will become a weak person sooner or later, and a weak person is destined to collapse.When seeking support, you must maintain an active attitude, actively devote yourself to it, and build a good interpersonal support system for yourself. When you face difficulties or setbacks, you can get help, so as to avoid the occurrence of vicious emotions and always maintain a relatively healthy life. good mood level.

Compensation and sublimation: "I know how to advance and retreat, and how to change direction."

In some areas, if you feel that you are incompetent, not a matter of confidence, then you can make up for it by putting in some effort in other areas.For example, after working hard for a quarter, I am physically and mentally exhausted but still can't catch up with my colleagues' performance.At this time, you are very disappointed and feel that he is beyond your reach.No, don't think so, have you discovered your own shining point while seeing the super high performance of your colleagues?You are a top candidate for the Perfect Attendance Award!In order to encourage the enthusiasm of the employees, the boss increased the bonus amount of the perfect attendance award to a high level. Your three-month hard work has brought you the image of "dedication" and "love" in the eyes of the boss.

Everyone is not perfect, and it is impossible to succeed in everything, so we need a compensation mechanism to appease our own efforts, ensure that our enthusiasm is not hit, improve our aggressiveness, and make our careers successful.

We can also use sublimation mechanisms to correct underlying feelings of inferiority when compensation fails.What is sublimation?One is to enhance one’s positive emotions, focus on the process instead of just staring at the result, and enjoy the scenery on the road; the other is to guide oneself to shift and change goals when the road is blocked, so that the original emotions can be rebalanced and avoid setbacks Excessive mood swings.

Emotional Self-Management Course
speak your mind out loud
★"I've been bored in my heart for a long time, and now I want to say it: my dear, please don't tell me how to keep a distance from my female colleagues every day!"

★"I didn't dare to resist before because I was afraid of authority, and I always felt that authority was superior, but now, I really want to challenge it and use my wisdom to challenge it."

★"I am a cowardly person, because when I am attacked fiercely, I often dare not refute. I am always afraid of causing disputes and worrying that I will not be able to handle such things. Can I become strong?"

★"I think inferiority complex and conceit are the same psychological misunderstanding, and I have both emotions, so I am very distressed, and I want to say goodbye to extreme emotions and restore emotional balance in my dreams."

★"I care about what other people think of me. It seems that everything and every word is for others to read and listen to. I lack independent self-identity and live completely for others. I think this is inferiority!"

★"I think the medicine that can cure my heart disease is love, but I just lack love. I lost my parents when I was young, and made many girlfriends when I grew up, but none of them were willing to follow me into the church. This is why I became cowardly Why, how can I change it?"

★"I feel like I have aggressive tendencies. While I am silent, there is a fire inside, burning. I really don't know when it will explode. It will be a terrible scene. I can Imagine yourself doing something."

★"I don't like to talk very much, and even if I know exactly what is going on, I rarely join in the discussion. So, I come across as an introvert, but I don't want to change too abruptly. If possible, I would like to Improving your ability to participate in discussions begins with being able to express your views to people."

◎Subconscious prayer program: "I am unique!"

This is an easy self-training class, a subject that one can practice, and an easy way that one can successfully improve oneself.It does not require any tools, nor does it require anyone's cooperation.You only need to find a quiet area, free from distracting thoughts, and you can adjust your emotions through dialogue with your subconscious mind.

Emotions—the source of our spiritual power, exist in different states every day.The Power to Control Emotions Scientists have discovered, so what controls our emotions?The shape and color of emotions, the strength and change of emotions, are all controlled by what forces?
I believe people are very concerned about this issue.To answer this question, we can start with a simple lesson illustration, how does the subconscious mind affect our emotions?

At a forum at the University of California, I told the audience:

"Subconsciousness is a psychological term. It is the essence of life and controls the mind and body. Life is manifested as free and conscious mental activities, and external life activities are manifested as various emotions and behaviors. We Only by directly exercising consciousness can we truly turn on the switch of emotions, manage our words and deeds well, and prevent them from being too much interference from the outside world.

"Obviously, our emotions are easily disturbed by multiple environments, becoming fluctuating and disordered. In this case, without intentional training and inputting new commands for it, the subconscious mind cannot regulate the body's response. There is also no way to accurately and effectively receive emotions and feed back emotions, and our inner and outer connections are lost.

"For example, many people have this experience: when a person's external mood is not good, people will always tell him with concern, cheer him up, cheer him up, or persuade him to take a break for a while. If he feels himself When there is no emotional problem and he is not aware of this problem, his recovery will be slower, because in his subconscious there is no signal of 'I have a problem with emotions' at all, and the internal and external connections are cut off; On the contrary, if he is sensitive to this point, he can adjust more quickly, because he can clearly perceive his own emotional problems, so the time required to restore balance is relatively short."

In 2013, a manager told me in Washington that every time before he attended the company’s shareholder meeting, he would silently recite words such as “I can do it” or “I can do it” in his heart to guide himself to relax psychologically and avoid Nervousness leads to poor performance.Then, when he reports to his boss, he can confidently express his views on the development of the company.

Over time, the quality of self-confidence is cultivated in this way, and then consolidated.The manager's experience is that by continuously issuing confident commands to the subconscious mind, the living space of inferiority consciousness can be gradually ruled out.

Therefore, our subconscious perception is so developed that its doors are wide open.If we can find and set up a correct prayer mechanism and establish a complete emotional balance program, we will be able to calmly control our own experience and turn our emotions (whether positive or negative) into positive forces.

Just like Zhu Xiaomei’s understanding now: “Why am I always angry? Why do I always exaggerate my needs? Because I am afraid that others will not value me. I flipped a switch, and now I want to release them, and enter Fresh 'mood oxygen'."

Her anger is like a monkey jumping up and down in her body, rushing out from time to time to scratch others.In fact, it was because she was worried that she would not get real attention, input healthy emotional commands, and build a sense of self-confidence in time, which kept her in an embarrassing situation for a long time that hurt both others and herself.

Step One: Interrogation
1. What have I done before?
2. What kind of life experiences and experiences do I have?

3. What are my qualifications?

4. What strengths and weaknesses did I discover?

5. What kind of qualities, potentials and future development space do I have?

6. What do I have now?What are my skills, professions and specialties?
7. What is the general direction of my development?
8. What will I be best at in the future?
Get answers by interrogating your subconscious mind, then analyze your ego strengths - the foundation of your self-confidence.

Step Two: Find Bad Emotions
Through dialogue with the subconscious mind, you must quickly and objectively find the weaknesses of your character, face up to the weaknesses of behavior and emotions, make a summary for them, and know what types of these bad emotions are.This way you can reduce its impact on yourself.

You can make a detailed list for yourself of the different levels of emotional deficits, which behavioral deficits, and how they affect you.

Finally, you have to analyze which shortcoming needs to be corrected most urgently, and which problem cannot be too urgent.Put them in an order and determine who comes first and who comes last.

Step [-]: Enter the adjustment command
To the subconscious mind, orders are more important than any means.Through this principle, before you do anything, you will develop the habit of talking to your subconscious mind and issuing orders to it, mobilizing your strongest confidence, and avoiding lack of confidence and impulsive actions.If your subconscious mind is not prepared enough, when you encounter setbacks, your emotions will fluctuate and your confidence will be hit.

This also means that you must be fully prepared before doing anything.When formulating a comprehensive plan, you need to be as objective as possible when entering orders, taking into account the feasibility of things and all other factors.Otherwise, you will give a false signal to the subconscious mind, and you will also encounter obstacles in the end.

Step Four: Rebuild Your Confidence
For healthy and clear needs, express bravely, and closely combine this need with one or more behavioral motivations, which has a positive effect on building confidence. It will make you realize which things must be done and which ones Things are what you can do.

In order to meet this demand, you need to formulate a clear and detailed plan, not just shouting slogans. The "slogan party" itself is an external manifestation of inferiority complex. They only have slogans but no plans, let alone actions.

When the plan is completed, act immediately, and backed up with conscious efforts, persevere until the goal is completed.The realization of each goal will add bricks and tiles to your confidence.

Gray once said a famous saying: "Self-confidence is one of the most precious qualities of a person. In essence, self-confidence is a kind of greatest courage." Plant "confidence" into the subconscious, let it become part of our instinct, no matter In any environment, you can be invincible.

Emotional Self-Management Course
self-advantage positioning
Hypothesis: If you were a film actor, what kind of role would you like to play?Say why and write it down.

Role model: find someone you admire or admire, and write down the characteristics and qualities in him that you can admire.

Synthesis: Synthesize the first and second manifested qualities into a character of your own choice, combine their overlapping traits, and write it down again.

Impressions: Pick 6 random people from your network, ask them what impressions they have of you, determine if you like their responses, and then judge whether you like the impressions you make on others.

New Personality: Begin to project and purposefully express your new personality—new qualities drawn from assumptions and role models.

Strengthening: Change the things you don't like in your past personality, image and behavior, gradually strengthen the characteristics you like, and then form some new qualities.

(End of this chapter)