Self-control 2: How to control your emotions and destiny?

Chapter 5 Emotional Family (3)
If no matter what we do, we always have the idea that "I may not be able to do it well", and a seed of inferiority will be planted in the subconscious.As the number increases, so do the seeds, and they keep replicating and multiplying, until suddenly you find that they have become your dominant emotion, which is to constantly complain and deny yourself instead of seeking to solve the problem.

In our case, there are three failure modes that lead to this, but again at different levels.The first level is like an inflammation of the body, and the bad emotions produced are easy to explain; the second and third levels are very tricky, and they require us to pay a considerable degree of attention, at least to calmly perform a more comprehensive "emotional surgery" on ourselves "In order to finally restore confidence and return to a stable and positive state.

Level [-] - Damaged confidence at critical moments
Things that desperately hoped to succeed, ended up failing.For example, the first time you chase a girl, you are ruthlessly rejected; the first time you go to an interview, the employer ridicules your dress image and denies your ability; in the trend.Failure and unhappiness at these times will cause some disturbance to our emotions and make you doubt your own charm and ability, but in general, they do not have the destructive power to confidence.

Level [-] - experienced major setbacks
If a great trauma or setback is encountered, the blow to a person's confidence is often very fatal.For example, an American mother lost her 4-month-old son, and began to seriously doubt her ability to take good care of the baby, so that she feared pregnancy.No matter how her husband comforted and persuaded her, she couldn't get out of the shadow of the past, even to the point where she would suddenly lose control when she saw news related to "injured or dead young children".This is a very major setback in life, often causing a major blow, and its emotional calm is also a relatively large project.

Level [-] - Sequential or Repeated Failures

A domestic netizen sent me an email, and he said: "My life is a wonderful history of failure. From junior high school to university, I have never been in a relationship, because no girl is willing to accept my personality. Graduation 8 Years ago, my best buddy got an annual salary of more than 30 yuan, lived in a big house, and drove a private car, and I still had a monthly salary of 2000 yuan, and I rode an electric car to work every day. I have challenges for all In the impression of sexual matters, there is only the word 'failure', and I am only at the bottom, unable to move half a step forward, because as long as I try to move forward, I will definitely hit a wall."

What if you, like him, can't do anything well for a long time, and every plan that makes sense to you encounters trouble or even falls apart?I believe that 99% of people have begun to doubt their abilities, unless he does not have the most basic self-examination ability.So, the scariest question is not that you have failed, but "how many times have you failed".Especially repeated failures on the same thing in a row have a devastating blow to people's confidence.

We can usually take time to have 6 dialogues with ourselves related to "affirmation", and use the answers to these 6 questions to increase our ability to fight against the subconscious withdrawal motivation——
1. Why can I do it?

Answer: Because I am free, I can do anything and no one and no law can stop me!

2. Why haven't I succeeded yet?
A: Because I'm not ready, not because I'm not capable or qualified.

3. Am I popular?

A: Yes, although I don't have a lot of friends, it's enough for me, people like me.

4. Am I good at expressing myself?
A: Yes, I know exactly how to communicate, I am a veteran of expression.

5. How is my family situation?
Answer: We have a harmonious relationship and have always been a happy family that is envied by others.Even if there are some small problems, they are unavoidable, because everyone needs to learn while growing.

6. How is my current living situation?
Answer: I am very satisfied, but not satisfied, because I still have a lot of potential to be discovered, and this is exactly what I will do in the future.

The key to overcoming the pessimism that comes with low self-esteem is not how to hide it - wearing nice clothes or getting plastic surgery can not make a person truly beautiful, but to be proud of what you have.

"I'm great, although sometimes I make some mistakes!"

"I can do what I can, as long as I work hard."

"I'm never cocky, but I don't deny myself either. I'm who I am, unlike anyone else."

"I admit that I have many shortcomings, but no one can obliterate my advantages."

What needs to be reminded is that everyone may have the frustrating thought of "I can't do well". However, the reason why those great people can succeed is that they can overcome this negative emotion in time, eliminate these thoughts, and continuously Be confident in your work.

Emotional Self-Management Course
self-control pessimism
Facing: Escape is the worst choice.When pessimism and low self-esteem occur, the first thing to do is to tell yourself that this is reality-"I need to face it bravely, and then I have a chance to solve it, otherwise they will live like tumors."

Try: No matter how pessimistic, depressed or weak you may be, the sky won't fall.So keep trying and do what you have to do.If you encounter trouble, stick to finding the most reasonable solution and wait for the rain to pass.If you lose hope once or twice without success, it means you kicked the hope away, not it abandoned you.

Soothing: What methods have worked best for you in relieving stress?I mean, prepare yourself a few emotional "calmers", such as music, football, games, phone porridge.When you feel overwhelmed by pessimism, use these methods one by one to transfer negative emotions.

Distraction: Distraction works in two ways. 1. Do nothing, let time dilute and adjust everything, and then start when the emotions calm down; 2. Do other things as much as possible to keep yourself busy.A busy man is seldom a pessimist, because he has neither the time nor the mood to care what pessimism is—he is enjoying the full details, the joy of thinking and acting.People who do not know how to disperse are often trapped in a certain emotion and cannot escape, so this is a necessary emotional management tool for people.

Contagion: Work with people who are long-term optimistic, make friends with them, and you will benefit from their happiness.The infectious power of optimism can radiate a group of people and strengthen a common purpose.If you have some optimistic and strong friends, you will also make yourself a person who is not afraid of difficulties and dares to challenge.

◎"I'm depressed!"

What is repression, and what power does it produce?I will use a vivid story to illustrate: more than ten years ago, a mine in the western United States collapsed, and three miners were buried deep in the mine for half a month.There was no foreign aid during this period, but in the end they all miraculously survived.A TV station in San Francisco invited them to appear on the program, meet with citizens, and introduce their feelings under the mine.

The host asked: "Were you afraid at the time? You must know that if no one saves you, it means death."

The answers of the three miners were the same: no fear, no fear and nervousness.One of the miners also swears: "I promise in the name of God, we are very relaxed, it is like going on a collective expedition, although we also know the consequences, there is really no feeling of fear."

This answer made the host and the citizens in the audience admire, and at the same time secretly doubted whether they were lying.So, what is the truth?Are miners really free from fear and tension?If not, it is inconceivable that they were able to overcome the natural human fear of death.In fact, they did not lie, because they did not feel fear and tension - the subconscious repression mechanism played a protective role in this critical moment, blocking out any emotions that are not conducive to survival.

So, in fact, they are very nervous, but they can't feel it subjectively or consciously, and they are locked in by the subconscious.

This case shows us that the formation of repression is an unconscious process, and our "manifest self" is difficult to control and directly drives and dominates it.Through this process, the "inner self" successfully drives those unacceptable feelings out of consciousness.

At the same time, depressive side effects also arise.In a person who is often depressed, the network of memory-associations seems to be weak and lifeless, especially when memories related to emotions are blocked from consciousness.Compared with non-repressed people, repressed people have limited emotional experience, and they seem like aloof people.

Repression is different from repression—while both involve shutting out subjectively unacceptable thoughts, the latter is a conscious, controllable process.For example, if you see a beautiful woman on the street, she has a sexy figure and a charming look, which makes you dream about it, and you can't wait to get her phone number right away, and then have an earth-shattering relationship with her.But at the same time, you immediately evaluate the consequences of doing so:

"If I did, my wife would leave me, my neighbors would alienate me, and I would probably be ruined."

Such consequences are unbearable for you.So, you make an immediate decision: you can't do this.And put aside the passionate impulse in my heart, and consciously suppressed it.This process is not only conscious, but also rational and healthy, the exact opposite of repression.Repression is both unconscious and often uncontrolled, and its harmful effects far outweigh its possible positive contributions.

Study [-]: If we ask the participants to recall their own anger experience, the non-repressed people can also think of their own disgust, shame and other negative emotions besides anger, but the repressed people only remember their own anger, and other negative emotions. Emotions were isolated in this search of the memory bank.

Study [-]: We provided a video of a grieving person and stated that the person was "very sad."Repressors often see only sadness in it, while non-repressors also see fear or other emotions.Depressors can't recall unpleasant events that happened to them, and their memory "short-circuits" whenever they seek this information.

Study [-]: We asked the participants to tell their own experiences—starting from childhood and being as comprehensive and detailed as possible. Some non-repressed people burst into tears and poured out their past pain and regrets, but almost all the repressed people did not mention their unpleasant past. The thing they are most used to saying is: "It's not bad."

Study [-]: In the participants' narration of their childhood experiences, the repressed person's memories are like quiet flowing water, calm and calm, rarely telling us or emphasizing the experiences that caused his great emotional fluctuations, but trying to cover himself Once weak.Non-repressed people are much more normal. They can list their sad, happy, fearful and angry experiences more calmly (at least without much resistance), and they will also objectively show their true feelings when they are emotionally fluctuating.

Emotional Self-Management Course
self-control depression
Signal: Be sensitive to the signal produced by repression, know it in time and judge its harmful degree.

Reasons: Only by analyzing the causes of depression and finding out the incentives can we know what we should avoid, what we should do, and how to do it.

Rationality: Make a reasonable recovery and adjustment plan in a timely manner, and give yourself enough time and space.Depression does not disappear instantly, it happens very quickly sometimes, but it takes a long time to fully explain it, just like the three miners who went through two years of psychological courses after they were rescued. Get rid of the bad emotions accumulated in the second half of the mine.

Breathing: Take a deep breath—with your belly, not your chest.In a quiet room, make sure that no one disturbs you for 10 minutes, sit down, close your eyes, and then move the diaphragm of your chest up and down, hold your breath in your abdomen, and then slowly spit it out from your mouth.Last for 5-8 minutes each time, and then adjust for 2-3 minutes, and last for at least 20 days, until it helps you regain the feeling of refreshment and the desire to find someone to talk to.

Breakthrough: Any means used to relieve depression are only palliative, such as listening to music or crying to a friend-they can give you temporary peace and pleasure, but they cannot solve the underlying problem.You have to look for the breakthrough, to use some decisive event to completely overcome the repression.For example, when your boss's style of doing things makes you feel depressed, you need to resolve the misunderstanding between you through effective communication, gain his understanding, and make him change his view of you, so that you can break through this emotional barrier of depression, and It will never come back again in the future.

(End of this chapter)