Self-control 2: How to control your emotions and destiny?

Chapter 6 Emotional Fault Lines (1)
To overcome setbacks, we need to strengthen our emotional restraint, and we need to fully understand the setbacks and even the essence of life. Only by detaching from success or failure can we control our destiny and our own life.

◎No good news - setbacks
When I chose the address of the course, I was very troubled at one time, because I was very aware of the harsh requirements of "modern people" on emotions.Some people are vulnerable, some are sensitive, and some people fall into another category: they are surrounded by a solid shell.It is impossible for everyone to be satisfied with the environment, so the members of the course team racked their brains, spent a lot of thought, and finally decided:
"We're doing nothing, why tell people 'this or that'?"

"The innate instinct of human beings is to accept and change the environment, why not now?"

"We don't provide adaptation, but let people adapt themselves, and use the environment as part of the test."

Well, we have successfully taken the first step.Recognizing this means we are getting a little closer to people's true emotional levels.In 2002, we have proposed the concept of "emotional fault line", that is, what is the cause of emotional fault line; we are committed to analyzing what causes emotional problems, using it to judge a person's emotional index, and formulating the correct Mood Management Program.

For example, when you make up your mind to do something that can make a major change in your life, and make a challenge plan, you stop temporarily and dare not move forward.Because you are afraid of the failure of the plan-you can't accept any unexpected results, especially the fear of hearing bad news, and you can't resist the subsequent frustration.

At this time, the setback itself is often insignificant, and it is the "thorn" behind it that kills people.It doesn't matter that the fault line of frustration may be "thousands of miles away" or "a ditch wide". You should be more concerned about what caused this spiritual rift.

produce unexpected results

If a person always goes according to plan, and is used to the plan bringing him results, he may experience frustration when the plan or desire fails.Mary said: "I am an unfortunate person. I have been listed as a candidate for the same position six times in a row in the company, but I was disappointed every time. The boss never considered me." Promotion phobia.Every time the company announced that it was going to promote some people, she became emotionally unstable, very nervous, suffered from insomnia, her work efficiency declined, and she behaved even more "unworthy of promotion".

There are also people who think in another way: they really want to succeed and want to do a certain thing well, but they are afraid that success will bring him side effects.

For example, Miss Ash's worry: "I have opened a small shop now, and it has been in business for three months. The business is very good, but I want to close it. Because if I can really make a lot of money, my income will be greatly improved. More than her husband, he is a small employee in the company, does not earn much every month, and has little chance to make a fortune in the future."

"Oh, then you are worried..."

"I think this will make him feel a sense of crisis, and then feel that I am not so cute anymore. Then, what should he do if he doesn't love me anymore? I can't sleep when I think about it, and I am always worried about this terrible result."

Therefore, Ms. Ashe lost her "focus" on the store, and made some mistakes "unintentionally" every day: she suddenly announced the closing of get off work during the prime time in the evening, or she forgot to call the supplier in advance for some products that were in short supply, which led to the recent Sales plummeted for half a month.

It wasn't until she and I talked about it that she decided to separate family affairs from career.Her fear of marital failure cannot be the key to her career success.Otherwise, she would lose her husband sooner or later.Facts have proved that Aixi did a good job in her career later, and her husband still loves her.

intense fear of failure
Some people are worried: "Even if I get what I want at the beginning, I will still fail in the end." They feel that the frustration will not let them go, and they must wait at a certain intersection, waiting for him to deliver the goods to their door, and fall into the trap.Out of this mentality, they dare not act, preferring to stay where they are.This is precisely the greater reason for failure, which made him suffer from a stronger sense of frustration.

When I was doing training for a company in Washington, I found that George, a marketing employee, wanted to work in the sales department, but he was very worried: "If I do get this job, will I be able to do it?" So, Even when his boss intended to give him a chance, George inadvertently made mistakes at critical moments and ruined his chances of getting the job.At night during that time, George could often be seen in the bar outside the company, drunk, running away and kidnapped by his frustration.

Later, I explained the situation to his administrative supervisor and told him the reason.I then took George to a training session for a full recovery, and he finally came to terms with his voice and became a force in the sales department.

"Who is using me?"

Frustration is heightened when a person realizes or feels taken advantage of, even though he or she has achieved something.When he is faced with a similar situation again, he will have resistance and it is difficult to make objective judgments.

Gray is an employee in the back office of a company, but he likes computers and has good attainments. He is very good at all computer-related jobs.Therefore, his boss plans to transfer him to the design department, where there is room for outstanding IT talents to play.When Gray heard the news, he was very depressed, like a hurt little mouse, retreating into the hole and never coming out again.

What is his concern?
"Isn't the boss using me? Is he going to let me solve the problem that the design department is facing right now, and then fire me? If I help them solve the problem, but find that there is no place for me, I will There is no retreat, no future.”

See, what a rich associative set, but it's one of those things that keep people up at night thinking about a job transfer.His department head called me for help because he thought Gray was too good to punish him for his resistance.I suggested to the boss:

"You can tell Mr. Gray that he can apply to be transferred back to the original department at any time within 60 days of being transferred to the design department."

The boss made the above promise to him, and Gray got rid of his heart problems and went to the design department to report smoothly.He performed well, adjusted to the new position within a few days, and then withdrew the written promise written to him by his boss.

unable to face their own weaknesses

Many people, including me, have wished for perfection in the past period: "In the field that I am good at, people will give me a thumbs up; in the field that I am not good at, people will praise me when they mention me .” Men hope that they can run a good career and family at the same time, and women hope that they will always be beautiful.This is the perfect state of life.

But the reality is not like this.People always have their own flaws, and some flaws are irreparable. They follow you all your life, are buried in the grave with you, and become your label.can you accept?If you can't, it will bring "unforeseen circumstances" to your life and work; if you can, your life will have flexibility.

My product development manager, Zayn White, has been a "Mr. Perfectionist" since high school: he tops every subject; Friend, the "best boyfriend" every girl dreams of.After graduating from college, starting a job, and earning his first pot of gold (a project that made $3000 million for the company), he is proud and "perfect", always holding his head high.

Until he was rejected when he proposed - his girlfriend of two years, Laura Holyface, pushed his hands away from holding the luxurious ring box and made him stand up.

In the hall where people were coming and going, he had just knelt down on one knee and looked at her confidently, as if he was looking at a prey that had already been captured.

"Honey, marry me!"

Laura said to him in front of dozens of colleagues watching: "No, my dear, as early as two years ago, I said to myself that when you proposed to me, it was the time we broke up. Now, are you sure Do you still want to do this?"

White spent the darkest day of his life, he never thought that he would be rejected so flatly, it was completely unexpected.Laura didn't hesitate at all. She didn't want to marry him at all.In her opinion, he is a "self-righteous" fool.Later Laura told him: "You are only suitable to be a lover. As for marriage, I don't want to spend my whole life with a man who always feels good about himself. For me, that is an endless pain."

Since then, White has suffered from a kind of emotional illness: He can't move away from this self-image, and he begins to think that he is a fake and annoying guy.He suffered a major setback in his life, and then he was so devastated that he almost went to the other extreme: "I am nothing, and any news about me is bad."

In 2007, when he came to the company for an interview, although his work experience was excellent and he was very suitable for the needs of ONG, but the person sitting in front of me was a decadent guest who had no hope.I said: "If I tell you that there is no way to hire you, will you accept it?" White smiled and replied in a hoarse voice: "As I expected, I am such a worthless person."

"Ah..." I said, "leave me your phone number, and I'll give you a final answer at noon tomorrow."

When I decided to hire him the next day, White couldn't believe it was real.After sending him an official recruitment email and asking his assistant to make a phone call, I think that this decision will not only prove that he has great talent, but also will definitely change his current state, rekindle his confidence, and reverse some wrongdoings. know.Later developments have verified my judgment. White's work ability is very good and he has made great contributions to the company.At the same time, time has gradually diluted his shadowy past, allowing him to walk away from the setback of a failed marriage proposal, and now he can calmly and objectively look at each of his strengths and weaknesses.

Only by finding your own weaknesses and working hard to make up for them can you avoid the stress and mood swings caused by your shortcomings.Why don't we open our eyes and see reality?Accept your own shortcomings calmly, and then formulate corresponding avoidance strategies to maximize your strengths and avoid weaknesses, instead of hitting the wall deliberately, so that you can truly fill in the emotional gap of frustration and avoid excessive frustration.

Frustration can indeed have a destructive effect on us.If not handled properly, it can become a poisonous seed that takes root in the mind.Handled well, it can also be transformed into a beneficial experience in life.In any case, only by treating failure with a positive and optimistic attitude and treating failure rationally can we balance our emotions.

When intimidated: Dare to challenge, not hold back.

When feeling sad: Find a place to laugh and laugh at it.

When you're feeling down: Sing out loud and think about the things you've done to be successful.

When you feel insignificant: Review your ideals and goals to discover your strengths.

When in doubt: Raise your voice and strengthen your will.

When you feel inferior to others: Change your clothes, change your hairstyle, and re-evaluate again.

When you have to use some temporary tools to control your emotions, you can take the above methods to calm your "boiling heart".In the final analysis, to overcome setbacks, we need to strengthen our emotional restraint, and we need to fully understand the setbacks and even the essence of life, and detach ourselves from success or failure, so that we can control our destiny and our own life.

Emotional Self-Management Course
self anatomy setbacks
★"I have things that don't go my way every day, especially a lot, big and small things don't go my way, so I'm often angry."

★"I don't have any aggressiveness now, because the society has smoothed my edges and corners. I am extremely disappointed in this society, and there is no room for me to develop my talents!"

★"I was rejected by a company I really wanted to join yesterday, which made me feel that the efforts of the past few years have been in vain and I have lost my direction in life."

★"I want to buy a house, but I have saved money for five years, and I haven't even got the down payment. Because of this, my girlfriend broke up with me. Is this a setback?"

◎Everyone is drunk and I am sober——conceited
In psychology, ego is a kind of excessive self-confidence, which can also be regarded as a subtle psychological inflation.It is not only hidden in the heart, but also manifested in many ways such as actions or words.You can think of ego as ignorance, of course, it is essentially a manifestation of "not knowing yourself".

Expressed in words and deeds, it is "everyone is drunk and I am alone":
None of you can do it, only me can do it;

You are all stupid, only I am smart;
None of you know, only I do.

……

For example, after five years of our survey, 95% of university professors stubbornly believe that their research is above average.We know this is of course impossible.If 95% of people are above average ability, then the average must be wrong, but people are so "confident".Every professor feels that their peers are inferior to them, although they can't produce concrete evidence.

The sentiment is very interesting.People are prone to overestimating themselves, which can be both good—good for self-affirmation—and bad—downplaying difficulties or sabotaging your relationships.Our task is not only to prevent harmful conceit from happening to us, but also to find out the cause of conceit, fully exploit its strengths and avoid its weaknesses, and completely manage and control it.

The first reason: self-esteem is too high
He generally thinks that he is great in some way (or some aspects), higher than most people.For example, in debates, they ignore other people's views, opinions and requirements, act arbitrarily, and are very impatient to discuss issues with others on an equal footing.They also show little concern for others, are indifferent to others, and have poor interpersonal relationships.But he naively thought that others alienated him out of awe or shame, not out of hatred for him.

No matter what he does, this kind of person will start from his own interests, will not consider others, and try not to make requests of others-this is a shame for him.So there's no word "enthusiasm" in their emotional lexicon, because he feels everyone should be there for him.

Of course we know that everyone can see what happens to such people, and they gradually become ignored.

The second reason: looking down on others

He always thinks that he is superior to others-wealth, knowledge, status, birth and many other aspects may become the source of his "superiority".Although it is a free society and everyone is equal, he doesn't think so.Also, he is so stubborn that it is difficult to change his opinion of others.If he despises a person, he tends to belittle the end and impose his own view on others.

Sometimes, when he knows that he is wrong and others are right, he is unwilling to change his wrong opinion or accept the other party's point of view easily.He is stubborn, stubborn, angry, and sometimes loses control of his behavior and acts violently.For example, some people humiliate flight attendants and other service personnel at airports or other public places, showing off their wealth and status, which is the concentrated expression of this emotion.

This kind of people always like to elevate themselves exaggeratedly and belittle others. They say that others are worthless, and they like to publicize them everywhere.So shallow is how our emotional dictionary defines him.

Reason #[-]: Overprotective
He has a palpable, dagger-hard jealousy of "successful people," and he is "displeased" by the success of those closest to him.Especially in the same field as him, he cannot bear the "injury of being surpassed", nor can he bear the fact that someone is more professional, knowledgeable, and powerful than him.

This kind of person has a strong self-esteem, and to some extent, there is also an element of narcissism.When others achieve results, he can't tolerate it, and what he chooses is not blessing but blow.He does everything possible and unscrupulously to attack outstanding opponents, colleagues, friends and even lovers, repelling, ridiculing, suppressing, humiliating and despising them.

For example, some mediocre husbands will use this method to deal with their better wives. The purpose is to destroy the wife's confidence and make her become like him, so as to prevent someone from snatching her away.

At the same time, when others fail, his attitude is not to provide assistance, but to gloat.When asking him for help, he will first taunt the other party, and only after satisfying his "pleasure" can he "contemptuously" help the other party.The question is, will people accept your love?So they have no real friends and live in loneliness, narcissism and suspicion.

Now the question is: why is ego so widespread?
My partner at the University of San Francisco and a member of the Emotional Management course group, Professor Amory Kaysen, has co-authored a brand new report with several scholars after seven years of hard work.He believes that in most cases, the temptation of social status has contributed to the breeding and growth of people's self-esteem.There is a "I think I am" in people's hearts, which is far better than the real self.People tend to believe that they are gifted and capable at many times, fleeting fantasies and blind optimism, which is why people always impulsively make promises that they cannot keep.

"Our research uncovers the role of ego, which defines its good and bad aspects," Amory said. "We have good reason to think that much of the time ego is motivated by a higher social status relative to others. superiority and proving their superiority.”

Perhaps this finding explains why egotism is so risky, yet so prevalent.In addition, it also tells us that mediocre people can overcome their superior colleagues to get promoted, and the super "confidence" of mediocre people plays a powerful role in this.Sometimes, the boss values ​​the confidence of his subordinates more, and is more likely to be influenced by this "display of confidence" in his own decision.This is perhaps the only positive force that ego can have on an individual in a group.

(End of this chapter)