My Imperial Advisor is ChatGPT

The wind from the Western Regions carries a mixed aroma of cumin and roasted meat, but also carries the dryness and roughness unique to the desert.

The ancient kingdom of Loulan, a desert pearl nestled beside Lop Nur, is hosting an unprecedented grand feast today. Inside the somewhat low-ceilinged adobe hall of the Loulan Royal Palace, a red carpet from the East is laid out, its uneven surface radiating a nouveau riche jubilation.

King Angui of Loulan, a short, stout middle-aged man with a full beard, was staring intently at a stack of white paper on the table with his not-so-large eyes.

Opposite him stood Zhang Qian, the Marquis of Bowang of the Qin Dynasty, dressed in a silk robe, with a Qin sword at his waist. He sat upright, with a smile on his face that was both reserved and tinged with the enthusiasm of a salesman, characteristic of diplomats from a major power.

"Honorable envoy of Great Qin," the King of Loulan swallowed hard, reaching out to carefully touch the roll of soft, snow-white paper, "you say this is a divine object bestowed upon me by His Majesty the Emperor of your country?"

"Indeed." Zhang Qian nodded slightly, his tone solemn. "This is 'Shu Yunrou.' In the Great Qin, only the royal family and nobility can enjoy it. It is made from the essence of the Tianshan spruce, through seventy-two processes, and kneaded by young girls under the moonlight."

Zhang Qian was spouting nonsense with a straight face. This set of rhetoric was specially taught to him by Liu Bang before the trip, who said it was called a "brand story".

The King of Loulan was deeply shocked. He picked up a piece of paper, held it up to the sunlight, and saw that it was as thin as a cicada's wing and pure white.

"This...this must be a sacred object used to write divine pronouncements, right?" The King of Loulan excitedly rubbed the paper against his face. "It's so soft. It would be perfect for polishing my precious sword or making a veil for the Queen."

The Loulan ministers seated below nodded in agreement, their eyes revealing greed and awe. In their eyes, this thing, softer than silk and whiter than sheepskin, was absolutely priceless.

Zhang Qian's lips twitched slightly.

He recalled Prince Huhai's instructions before his departure: "Never let them wear toilet paper as a scarf, that would be a disgrace to our Great Qin."

"Ahem." Zhang Qian cleared his throat, deciding to gently correct the misconceptions of these bumpkins.

"Your Majesty, although this item is precious, its true purpose is neither writing nor decoration."

"What is it for?"

Zhang Qian took a deep breath and pointed to his back, the most embarrassing part of a person's body.

"This is... a ritual substance for purification."

"Purification?" The King of Loulan was taken aback, then suddenly realized, "Oh! I understand! This is for wiping the body after bathing?"

"No," Zhang Qian said, forcing a smile, "It's... used for... that thing after the five grains have been reincarnated."

A deathly silence fell over the main hall.

The King of Loulan's hand, holding the paper, froze in mid-air; the one still pressed against his face remained. The ministers looked as if they had swallowed a live fly.

Used to wipe...your butt?

This amazing thing, so white, so soft, and so fragrant, is actually used to wipe your butt?

"This...this is utterly a waste!" the King of Loulan cried out in anguish. "Has Great Qin...has Great Qin really become this wealthy?"

Zhang Qian smiled proudly. Although he felt it was a waste, he had to maintain the aura of a great power at this moment.

"Your Majesty may not know this. In Qin, the people live in peace and prosperity, and resources are abundant. Your Majesty often says that the ultimate civilization is to give dignity to every part of the body. This Shu Yunrou is the symbol of Qin's civilization."

This powerful Versailles punch completely stunned the King of Loulan.

If even their buttocks have such dignity, how strong must the Qin army be?

"Excellent! What a magnificent Qin civilization!" The King of Loulan slammed his hand on the table. "I accept this gift! In return, I offer ten cartloads of jade, a specialty of Loulan, and a hundred jars of fine wine! Furthermore..."

The King of Loulan lowered his voice, a sly glint in his eyes.

"I heard that madman Modu has run west and threatened to cut off trade routes. Although my army is small and my generals few, as long as Great Qin provides enough of its 'divine treasures,' Loulan is willing to be Great Qin's... what's it called again?"

"Strategic partner," Zhang Qian reminded him.

"Yes! We are willing to be strategic partners of the Qin Dynasty and guard the gates of this desert!"

……

Just as Zhang Qian successfully won Loulan's loyalty with a piece of paper, a tense experiment about "light" was underway in Xianyang, thousands of miles away.

At the summit of Mount Li, a biting wind howled.

A newly built tower stands atop the mountain, with a huge, polished concave bronze mirror mounted on its top. In the center of the mirror is a specially made kerosene lamp, covered by an iron cover with louvered shutters that can be opened and closed.

Hu Hai, wrapped in a thick military overcoat, was shivering and had a runny nose, yet he remained energetically at the control panel. He held a thick copy of the "Great Qin Light Language Encoding Manual" in his hand, gazing intently into the distance into the darkness.

"Why isn't it lit yet? Are the towers over Longxi asleep?" Hu Hai stomped his feet and cursed.

As planned, tonight will be the first full-line test. The information will start from Yumen Pass, pass through the Hexi Corridor, be transmitted in relay along the beacon towers of the Great Wall, and finally arrive in Xianyang.

The entire journey is over three thousand li. Even if it were a fast horse, it would still take five days and five nights, even if the horse ran itself to death.

But if it's light...

"It's lit up! Young master! It's lit up!"

Suddenly, the Mohist disciple beside him pointed to the western night sky and shouted.

Hu Hai suddenly raised his binoculars.

Sure enough, on a distant mountaintop, a faint red light was flashing rhythmically.

Long—Short—Long—

"Quick! Record it!" Hu Hai roared, "This is the starting signal!"

The recorder at the control panel immediately began to write furiously, turning those dots of light into circles and horizontal lines on the paper.

The red light flashed for a full quarter of an hour.

"Translate! Translate quickly!" Hu Hai snatched the recording paper and threw it to the decoder next to him.

The codebreaker flipped through the codebook, piecing together the words with sweat pouring down his face.

"The first sentence is: Zhang...Zhang Qian...has arrived at...Loulan."

"The second sentence: Loulan... surrendered... toilet paper... sold very well."

"The third sentence..." The decoder's hand trembled slightly, and he looked up at Hu Hai with a strange expression.

"What's the third sentence? Tell me quickly!"

The third line is: "Your Majesty...long live...long live...long live forever."

Hu Hai was stunned for a moment, then angrily threw his hat on the ground.

"That Zhang Qian! He went through all that trouble, burned so much kerosene, and mobilized hundreds of soldiers from the beacon towers, just to send back a single flattering message?"

But the next second, he laughed again.

Because he realized that this flattery had traveled across three thousand miles of desert to reach Xianyang in just two hours.

This is a miracle.

"Ignite! Reply!" Hu Hai excitedly jumped onto the control panel and personally pulled the lever of the blinds.

Tell Zhang Qian: I've received your flattery. Bring me back two cases of Loulan wine! The sweet kind, please!

The enormous bronze mirror reflected a bright light, piercing the night sky over Guanzhong and continuing its westward journey.

……

The Epang Palace, a warm and nourishing pavilion.

Ying Zheng was not asleep. He was savoring a newly developed beverage—"Qin Black Tea".

Although there was no real tea fermentation technology at that time, it did not prevent Zhao Gao from accidentally ruining the tea leaves while frying them. As a result, the brewed tea soup was bright red and had a mellow taste. When Ying Zheng drank it, he felt that it was more soothing to the stomach than bitter green tea, so he immediately named it black tea.

"Little G." Ying Zheng held his teacup, looking out the window at the beam of light that pierced the sky.

"Is this the speed of light?"

[Your Majesty, the speed of light is 300,000 kilometers per second. What you are seeing is 'hand speed'.]

After all, it's people who pull the blinds and people who watch the signal. However, covering three thousand miles in two hours is already the limit of this era.

This means that your eyes and ears have extended to the very edge of the desert.

Ying Zheng nodded slightly, a hint of satisfaction flashing in his eyes.

"I have received Zhang Qian's message."

"Toilet paper diplomacy, what a brilliant idea of ​​his. But as long as it works, that's fine."

"But..." Ying Zheng put down his teacup, his expression slightly serious. "I always feel that the situation in the Western Regions is not so simple."

"Since Maodun dared to go west, it means he has something to rely on. Loulan is just a small country, a fence-sitter. The real tough nuts to crack are yet to come."

"Little G, you mentioned last time that there's a country in the Western Regions called 'Dayuan,' which is famous for its fine horses?"

Yes, the Akhal-Teke horse. It's a superior breed that evolved to adapt to the oxygen-deficient environment of high altitudes. Its skin is thin, and when it runs, its blood vessels dilate, making it appear as if it's bleeding.

This type of horse possesses explosive power and excellent endurance, making it a top-tier mount for heavy cavalry.

If Modu obtains the Ferghana horses, his cavalry strength will double. At that time, your Iron Pagoda might not be able to catch him.

Ying Zheng tapped his fingers lightly on the table.

"horse……"

"The Qin Dynasty is short of horses, especially good horses."

"Since Maodun wants it, then I want it even more."

"Pass on the order."

Ying Zheng's voice wasn't loud, but it carried an undeniable air of dominance.

"Let Liu Bang's 'Import and Export Trading Corporation' get moving."

"I want him to form a special 'horse-hunting team' to follow Zhang Qian's route."

"Bring silk, bring porcelain, bring sugar. Go to Ferghana, go to Wusun, go to Kangju."

"Tell those kings that I can trade their horses for the finest things in the world."

"For a fine horse, I'll give you ten bolts of silk. If it's a stallion, I'll give you a hundred!"

"If they don't change..."

A cold glint flashed in Ying Zheng's eyes.

"Then tell them that my 'Thunderclap' and 'Iron Pagoda' also want to visit the Western Regions."

……

The following day, at the West Market of Xianyang.

Liu Bang was lying in a rocking chair, enjoying Xiao He's report.

"Liu Ji, His Majesty's decree has arrived. We are to go to the Western Regions to buy horses." Xiao He closed the account book, his brows furrowing slightly. "This is going to be a tough job. The Western Regions are far away, and there are bandits and Xiongnu people around. If we're not careful, we could lose both our money and our people."

Liu Bang, however, remained completely calm, instead playing with a bunch of raisins in his hand—a sample that Zhang Qian had sent back.

"A tough job? Old Xiao, you don't understand."

Liu Bang sat up straight and popped a raisin into his mouth.

"This isn't betting on horses; this is a monopoly."

"Think about it, His Majesty wants Ferghana horses. So, when we go to the Western Regions, besides buying horses, can we also bring back something else?"

"For example, these raisins, the spices over there, and I've heard there's a kind of white stuff called 'cotton' over there..."

"If we monopolize this supply and transport it back to Xianyang, how much money could we make?"

Xiao He sighed, "All you think about is money. Don't you think about how to get the horses back? Thousands of horses, crossing the desert, what will they eat and drink?"

Liu Bang chuckled and pointed outside the door.

"This is where our 'Daqin Infrastructure Group' comes in."

"I plan to build a 'service area' every fifty miles along the Hexi Corridor."

"Service area?" Xiao He was stunned.

"Yes! We can stay here, eat here, and even feed and water our horses." Liu Bang became more and more excited as he spoke. "We'll lease this service area to retired veterans or merchants who want to make money. We'll charge a franchise fee, and they'll profit from the travelers passing through."

"This way, the road is open, the horses are alive, and we even make money. A win-win-win situation!"

Xiao He looked at Liu Bang and remained silent for a long time. Finally, he gave him a thumbs up.

"Liu Ji, your brain is really... it's a shame you're not a shrewd businessman."

……

Just as the Qin Dynasty was busy with the construction of "horses" and "roads", the Dayuan Kingdom in the Western Regions welcomed an uninvited guest.

Maodun.

He didn't bring tens of thousands of troops, only three thousand elite cavalry. But each of these cavalrymen was equipped with imitation stirrups and carried a Qin-style scimitar that he had stolen.

The King of Dayuan was an old man with white hair. He looked at the murderous Xiongnu Chanyu below the city and was filled with fear.

"King of Dayuan, how have you been?" Maodun said from his horse, pointing his whip at the city wall.

"I've heard your horses are quite good. I won't ask for too many, just give me three thousand."

"In exchange..." Maodun sneered, took a cloth bag off his horse, and threw it on the ground.

The cloth bundle was opened, revealing a bloody human head.

That's the head of the king of the neighboring small country of Khotan.

In exchange, I won't kill you.

The King of Dayuan was so frightened that he collapsed to the ground.

"Give it to us! We'll give it to you!"

Maodun nodded in satisfaction. He looked at the magnificent Akhal-Teke horses that had been led out, his eyes burning with the flames of revenge.

"Ying Zheng, you have the Ironclad Cavalry, I have the Ferghana Cavalry."

"Once I've trained this cavalry, I'll show you just how painful the wolves of the grasslands can be."

However, Maodun was unaware that at the same time he was stealing horses, an even larger and wealthier Qin caravan, carrying "toilet paper" and "candy," was following in Zhang Qian's footsteps and advancing majestically towards the Western Regions.

This is a race between swords and money.

The referee was the First Emperor, who sat in the Xianyang Palace, sipping red tea and watching the light signals.