I was just fishing, how did I become a Great Old One?

Warhammer 40K Universe, Cadia Sector, Cadia Prime Orbit.

"boom------!!"

The subspace rift, like a festering wound, tore open in the void.

Countless warships, adorned with the insignia of the Chaos Octagon, surged forth like locusts. At their very center stood the Eternal Will, a massive, asteroid-sized black stone fortress shaped like an octagon, radiating a despairing dark red light.

And on its opposite side.

The planetary shield of Kadia was flickering, like a candle burning in the wind.

on the ground.

Lord of Kadia, the legendary commander of the Imperial Defense Force, Usaka E. Creed.

He was standing atop the command fortress on the Tylock Plains, a thick cigar that never seemed to run out of smoke dangling from his mouth.

"Sir! The Void Shield generator is overloaded!"

"Abaddon's fleet has broken through the defensive perimeter!"

"Blackrock Fortress's main cannon is charging! It's estimated that in three minutes... Kadia will be pierced!"

……

"I'm not blind, soldier."

Creed exhaled a smoke ring, his eyes resolute as iron.

He straightened the collar of his coat.

"Kadia stands strong."

"As long as one Cardian is alive, this planet will not fall."

"All troops... prepare for the charge!"

At this critical moment.

"drop--"

Creed's private communications channel (a frequency accessible only to the Emperor's personal guards) suddenly rang.

No coordinates for reinforcements were received.

Instead, a voice came through that was... extremely light and cheerful, even with a hint of ordering food.

[Hello? Is this the lord of Crete?]

I am a delivery driver for DeepBlue Food Delivery.

Your package has arrived. Could you please... slightly open that... shield blocking your way?

……

"ha?"

Creed's hand holding the cigar trembled slightly.

takeout?

At a time like this?

"BOOM—!!"

Before he could react...

The void trembled once more above Cardia's high orbit.

A biological warship, with an art style completely different from both the Empire and Chaos, radiating golden-red divine light, arrogantly squeezed into the battlefield.

It's too big.

It was so big that it even made Abaddon's flagship, the Vengeance Soul, shake.

……

The bridge of the Chaos flagship, the Vengeful Spirit.

"What is that?!"

Azerkel Abaddon, Warmaster, chosen one of the Chaos Gods, and initiator of the Thirteenth Black Crusade.

A look of astonishment crossed his scarred face.

His spiky hair trembled angrily.

"Those are... reinforcements from the Empire?"

"No, Commander."

A chaos wizard trembled as he looked at the divination board.

"That energy reaction... is very strange."

"It's full of... appetite."

"Besides... it was your invitation that led it here."

……

"I?"

Abaddon paused for a moment.

Then he remembered the legend circulating in the warp—a chef who ate the four great demons as food.

"snort."

Abaddon sneered and gripped the demon sword Draknien and the Claw of Horus tightly.

"Since we're here, let us become sacrifices to chaos!"

"Blackrock Fortress! Target relocked!"

"First, blow that weird ship to smithereens!"

……

"Sizzle s ...————"

The massive Black Stone Fortress slowly rotated.

The red crystal core at the center of the octagon began to gather subspace energy powerful enough to tear apart the Earth's crust.

A thick, dark red beam of destructive light burst forth.

It directly points to [Deep Blue Gluttony Leviathan].

……

"It's a bit hot."

On the deck of the Gluttony.

Jiang Li held a glass of chilled Tyrannosaurus Blood Wine in his hand, watching the beam of light shooting towards him.

"Is this the main cannon of Blackrock Fortress?"

"Using subspace energy resonance to trigger the disintegration of matter?"

Jiang Li shook his head.

"The principle behind this..."

"Isn't it just a laser oven?"

……

[Skills: Gluttony, Devouring Field, Reverse Focus.]

"Ergou! Open your mouth!"

"Woof!"

The Yin-Yang Devouring Dogs charged out of the shield, opening their enormous mouths, which could swallow even the gate of the Net Path.

"boom!!!"

The beam of destruction struck the dog's mouth squarely.

There was no explosion.

That violent energy was forcibly compressed and rotated by the black hole vortex in Er Gou's mouth.

then……

"Pooh!"

Er Gou tossed his head away.

The compressed beam of light did not disappear.

Instead, it... spat it out.

It turned into a... solidified, red, extremely hot... energy column.

It's like a... red-hot iron skewer.

……

"pretty."

Jiang Li snapped his fingers.

"We have the sticks."

"Now... serve the meat."

"Swann! Activate the World Tree tentacles!"

"We want to order... a giant meat skewer from the Chaos Battleship!"

……

"What's that?!"

The captains of the Chaos Fleet had no idea what was happening.

Then they saw countless golden, thick tree roots (the roots of the World Tree) extending out from that strange ship.

They are as flexible as octopus tentacles.

"Swish! Swish! Swish!"

Each tentacle precisely entangled a Chaos Cruiser.

then……

"String them together!!"

The tentacle swung forcefully.

They strung those warships together like skewered hawthorns, one after another, onto the "energy skewer" that Er Gou had spat out.

"Boom boom boom—"

Dozens of warships were pierced by the high-temperature energy column and exploded.

However, because they were strung together, they did not explode.

Instead, they melt and stick together under high temperatures.

The metal outer shell melted into molten iron, and the demonic crew inside instantly vaporized.

It turned into a string of... dripping oil (molten iron), bright red... steel skewers.

……

"Sprinkle the ingredients!"

Jiang Li waved his hand.

The Firebat Chefs Group flew over.

Tons of Nurgle brine powder (to enhance umami) and Khorne chili powder (to enhance flavor) were sprayed onto the huge "grilled skewers".

"Sizzle—"

A scent that blended metallic smokiness with subspace spices instantly filled the Cardia Orbit.

……

Abaddon's silence.

On the Vengeful Spirit.

Abaddon stared at the string of "own fleets" sizzling and dripping oil on the screen.

His demonic sword, Draknien, emitted a terrifying shriek.

"This...this is humiliation!!"

Abaddon was trembling with rage.

"I am the War Master! I am the Destroyer!"

"I want to kill him with my own hands!!"

"Teleport!!"

……

"boom!"

A bolt of black and red lightning struck the deck of the Gluttony directly.

Abaddon's towering Terminator armor descended with a hellish aura.

He raised the Claw of Horus (which was equipped with a bomb gun and a power claw).

"mortal!!"

"Look me in the eye with your anger!!"

"I will take your bones..."

……

"Hey, don't move."

Before Abaddon could even finish his lines.

A hand... landed on his shoulder.

The hand looked ordinary; it had neither power armor nor a psionic shield.

But it was as heavy as Mount Tai.

They directly forced this war commander to kneel on one knee.

……

"Mr. Abaddon, is that right?"

Jiang Li appeared behind him without him noticing.

He was holding Occam's razor.

His eyes held a kind of... doctor's concern when examining a patient.

"I heard you have a nickname in warp space?"

"Should it be... 'Invincible in Every Battle'?"

"And another nickname..."

Jiang Li's gaze fell on Abaddon's enormous arms.

"Called...the Armless One?"

(Note: This is a famous Warhammer reference. Early Abaddon models often had their arms fall off due to design flaws, hence the nickname "Armless Abaddon.")

……

"That's filth!!"

Abaddon roared and tried to stand up.

But Jiang Li's hand was like a steamroller, pressing him down firmly.

"Don't get excited."

Jiang Li said with a smile.

"Actually, I think this nickname is pretty good."

"because……"

"In culinary arts."

"Removing the hoof... is an important step in preparing ingredients."

……

[Knife Skill: Butcher's Skill in Carving an Ox - Model Correction Technique]

"Swish! Swish!"

Two flashes of cold light appeared.

Abaddon didn't even see how the knife moved.

He only felt a chill on his shoulders.

then……

"Clang!"

Two heavy sounds as they hit the ground.

His proud arms, equipped with the Claw of Horus and the Demon Sword...

It really fell.

The incision was as smooth as a mirror, and not even a drop of blood flowed out (because the blood vessels were instantly sealed by the high temperature of the red oil on the knife).

……

"ah------!!"

Abaddon looked at the two arms on the ground that were still twitching.

It let out a heart-wrenching scream.

This is not pain.

This is... the fear of a meme coming true.

He really did become... Abaddon the Armless.

……

"good."

Jiang Li picked up the Claw of Horus.

"These claws are well-made."

"These four sharp blades..."

"Perfect for use as... a boning knife."

He picked up the demon sword Draknien again.

This sword seals a powerful demon, the demon born from the first murder in human history.

At this moment, the demon inside the sword is screaming:

*【Let me go! I am the end of the world! I am…】*

"Shut up."

Jiang Li flicked the sword.

"when!"

A surge of gluttonous divine power shook the demon's soul.

"If you keep making noise, I'll take you to unclog the sewers."

The demon fell silent instantly.

……

"Tie him up."

Jiang Li waved to Tex behind him.

"Hang it at the bow of the boat."

"To be a... mascot."

"Let the people of Cardia below see this."

"Their nightmare..."

"Now it's become... a specimen without hands."

……

The fall of Blackrock Fortress.

They lost their commander and their fleet.

The remaining chaotic forces fell into disarray.

but.

The Black Stone Fortress is still in operation.

Its core program is set to—if the main gun cannot destroy the Cardia, then ram it.

"Sizzle sizzle—"

Blackrock Fortress's engine is overloaded.

The octagonal fortress, resembling an asteroid, began its descent towards the surface of Cadia with the kinetic energy to destroy everything.

……

"not good!!"

On the ground, Creed watched the growing dark shadow in the sky.

Despair descended once again.

If this thing were to fall...

Cardia will be smashed to pieces!

"Is this... the end?"

Creed took the cigar out of his mouth.

"Kadia stands strong..."

"But Kadia... is going to break."

……

"Bullshit."

Jiang Li's voice rang out again on the communication channel.

"Creed".

"Could I borrow a light?"

"Borrowing fire?"

Creed was stunned.

……

[Skill: Gluttony Leviathan - Gravity Capture - Teppanyaki Mode.]

In the sky.

The Gluttony did not dodge.

Suddenly, from beneath its massive hull emerged... four enormous hands (or claws) woven from psionic energy and the roots of the World Tree.

These four hands, in the void, forcefully... caught the falling Black Stone Fortress.

"BOOM—!!"

The immense impact set the entire atmosphere of Cardia ablaze.

But Gluttony...did not budge.

……

"What a huge piece... a black stone slab."

Jiang Li stood at the bow of the ship, looking down at the Black Stone Fortress that was being lifted up below.

"This material... is heat-resistant, conducts heat quickly, and can also absorb spiritual energy."

"This is simply..."

"The best... stone slab barbecue grill in the entire universe!"

Jiang Li shouted into the communicator:

"Swann! Ignite it!"

"Reverse overload the Blackrock Fortress reactors!"

"Let it...heat up!"

……

"Alright! Reactor... maximum power! Heating mode!"

"Buzz——————"

The Blackrock Fortress, captured by the Gluttony, instantly transformed from its original dark red glow into... a fiery orange-yellow.

Its surface temperature instantly soared to thousands of degrees.

However, the temperature was controlled on the surface and did not melt the core.

It turned into a... huge, floating... scorching hot iron plate in space.

……

"Serve the food!"

Jiang Li put down the "Chaos Battleship Meat Skewers" he had just eaten.

And the "Salaka-flavored Walnuts" that I previously packed from Amagiton.

And then there are the "demonic scum" brought from the warp.

They were all thrown onto this huge black iron plate.

……

"Sizzle————————!!"

that moment.

Everyone in Kadia heard a soul-stirring sound... the sizzling of meat being fried.

That was the sound of tens of thousands of tons of "ingredients" being cooked on a planetary-sized iron plate.

Followed by.

An irresistible fragrance.

As the atmosphere moved, it instantly covered the entire planet Cardia.

……

The battlefield is at a standstill.

on the ground.

The Imperial Defense Forces and the Chaos Rebels were originally locked in a fierce battle.

They all stopped what they were doing without prior arrangement.

They looked up.

Looking at that... huge, burning, sizzling oil... "sun" in the sky.

"That...that's Blackrock Fortress?"

One of the guards swallowed hard.

"No...that's...a baking pan."

The political commissar next to him also swallowed hard.

"It smells so good... so good..."

……

Trazin's unexpected appearance.

At this moment that shocked the entire audience.

A green figure quietly peeked out from the underground ruins.

Trajin.

This undead overlord originally intended to take advantage of the chaos to steal something from Cardia (such as Creed, or fragments of Cardia).

But now.

It looked at the scene in the sky.

The data stream in its electronic eye was all disordered.

"impossible……"

"Blackrock Fortress is a creation of the Old Ones! It's a weapon for killing gods!"

"How could it possibly be used... for teppanyaki?!"

But soon.

Its collecting obsession has kicked in again.

"etc……"

"This scene..."

"The instant Abaddon became an armless being, Blackrock Fortress became a baking pan, and Kadia became a dining hall..."

"This is simply... art among art!"

"A must-have for your collection!!"

Trazin raised its hyper-dimensional cube.

Point the camera at the sky and press the shutter.

"Click."

……

Epilogue: The Feast in Kadia.

The crisis is over.

The Cardia did not break.

It was just... smoked by cooking fumes.

Jiang Li did not throw away the "black stone baking pan".

Instead, it was left... on Cardia's track.

It was transformed into a... permanent space defense platform (also serving as a canteen).

……

Creed's thanks.

After the battle.

Creed boarded the Gluttony.

This tough guy who never bowed his head looked at Abaddon (armless version) hanging on the flagpole, swaying in the wind.

She glanced at Jiang Li again.

"I don't know what to say."

Creed took a deep drag on his cigar.

"You saved Kadia."

"You saved the empire."

"No."

Jiang Li was feeding Er Gou a piece of iron plate, a fragment of the Chaos Warship.

"I just... cooked a meal."

"Oh, right."

Jiang Li pointed to the black stone baking pan.

"I'll leave that stove to you."

"Chaos will return later..."

"Just throw it up there."

"Remember……"

"Sprinkle more cumin."

……

A new journey.

The crisis in Cardia was resolved.

The main conflict in the Warhammer 40K universe (the problem of food) has been largely resolved.

The Emperor ate his fill, Guilliman started selling canned food, and Abaddon became a specimen.

Jiang Li thought so.

It's time... to move on to the next place.

Just then.

A system notification sounded.

[Ding! New high-dimensional signal detected!]

[Source: SCP Foundation universe.]

[Codename: SCP-682 (The Immortal Reptilian)]

[Note: I heard this thing... is impossible to kill? And it can even evolve?]

……

"Can't be killed?"

Jiang Li's eyes lit up.

"So that's... an all-you-can-eat buffet?"

"And it's... the ultimate ingredient that automatically adapts to different tastes?"

Jiang Li drew Occam's Razor.

He made a sweeping motion across the void.

"My lords!"

"Clean up the weapons!"

"Next stop!"

"Let's go eat... dinosaurs!!"