I was just fishing, how did I become a Great Old One?

In the cracks of the multiverse, at unknown coordinates.

When Deep Blue Gluttonous Leviathan tore through the heavy veil of the Warhammer 40K universe and entered the SCP universe filled with the smell of disinfectant and top-secret files, the commotion was much greater than expected.

This is not just a physical journey.

This is a conceptual invasion.

This bio-warship, a fusion of Protoss psychic energy, Zerg flesh and blood, human technology, and the flavors of the four Chaos gods, is itself a massive, walking, reality distortion point reeking of hotpot.

……

SCP Foundation Main Universe, Earth, North America.

Site-19 (Site No. 19).

This is the Foundation's largest facility, with the highest security level, and housing the most dangerous and unusual projects.

At this moment, the piercing sound of a Class K alarm echoed throughout the underground corridors of the entire base.

[Warning! Massive fluctuations in the Reality Hume Index detected!]

[Location: Directly above the station!]

[Threat Level: CK-level Reality Reconstruction / XK-level Apocalypse!]

[Scranton Reality Anchor... completely overloaded!]

……

Site command center.

The site-19 supervisor, an elderly man with gray hair and sharp eyes, stared intently at the large screen.

On the screen, the once azure sky looked like a charred curtain with a huge hole torn in it.

From that hole emerged... an indescribable behemoth.

It looks like a giant beetle, carrying a large pot of bubbling golden lava (Xel'Naga soup base) on its back, and its hull is covered with tentacles that are still dripping black oil (Nurgle's Brine).

The most terrifying thing is.

On one of its tentacles hung a... armless specimen (Abaddon) wearing Terminator armor.

"What the hell is that thing?!"

The supervisor's voice trembled.

"Is it some kind of supreme divinity? Or a piece of a shattered god?"

The technician standing nearby turned pale.

"No, sir."

"Analysis shows... its constituent substances contain a large amount of... capsaicin?"

"And...it seems to be...drooling?"

……

"Drooling?"

The supervisor was taken aback.

Just then.

The massive spaceship did not fire a destructive beam.

Instead...the hatch was opened.

A young Asian man, wearing an ordinary chef's apron and carrying a black toolbox (containing a kitchen knife), jumped from a height of 10,000 meters without any safety measures.

Behind him followed a black and white, wise-looking... husky.

……

"boom----!!"

The man landed.

It did not destroy the base like a meteorite.

The moment he landed, it was as if he defied the laws of physics, lightly stepping onto the heavy concrete tarmac of Site-19.

Not even a speck of dust was stirred up.

But the aura of "being at the top of the food chain" emanating from him made all the mobile task force members who were on high alert instinctively feel their legs go weak.

……

"This is... the new farmers' market?"

Jiang Li took a deep breath.

The air was thick with tension, fear, and... the strange smells unique to various unusual creatures.

"Um……"

Jiang Li closed his eyes and activated the Eye of Gluttony.

"On the third underground level, there's a smell of peanut butter (SCP-173)."

"On the fifth underground level, there is a smell of aged preservatives (SCP-049)."

"There's another one..."

Jiang Li suddenly opened his eyes, his gaze piercing through hundreds of meters of reinforced concrete, locking onto the deepest part of Site-19.

There, there is a huge pool containing strong acid.

The pool emitted an extremely strong, life-giving, and regenerative stench...

"Found it."

Jiang Li licked his lips.

"The King of Buffets".

……

Contact: The Nine-Tailed Fox's Firepower Net.

"Don't move!!"

"This is a restricted area of ​​the SCP Foundation!"

Dozens of soldiers dressed in heavy tactical gear and carrying Gauss rifles rushed out.

That is the renowned MTF Epsilon-11 "Nine-Tailed Fox".

An elite force specializing in handling containment breaches.

The team leader locked onto Jiang Li through his tactical goggles.

"Target confirmed as a humanoid anomalous entity!"

"Not in the database!"

"Initiate containment procedures immediately!"

"Fire!!"

"Da da da da da————"

A dense net of bullets, interspersed with tranquilizer darts and electric nets capable of suppressing abnormal abilities, enveloped Jiang Li.

……

"Don't be so irritable."

Jiang Li stood still, without moving an inch.

"Er Gou" (Second Dog).

"Woof!"

Er Gou yawned.

It opened its mouth (the karmic fire mouth on the left).

"call."

I blew a gentle breath.

It is not a flame.

Instead, it was a... heat wave.

The heat wave precisely controlled its temperature the instant it came into contact with the bullets and darts.

"Sizzle."

The bullet melted into molten iron.

The dart vaporized into smoke.

The special task force members felt a warm breeze on their faces, and the guns in their hands... turned into bent noodles (softened).

……

"this……"

Captain Nine-Tailed Fox stared dumbfounded at the rifle bent into a U-shape in his hand.

"Reality Bending?!"

"Requesting backup! Requesting backup! We need the Scranton Reality Anchor!"

"No need to shout anymore."

Jiang Li walked forward with a smile.

"Your so-called anchor of stability, in my opinion..."

"It's like... a stone weighing down pickled vegetables."

"Although it's a bit heavy."

"But... that can't stop me from opening the altar."

……

"Who are you?!"

The captain drew his tactical knife, knowing it was useless, but it was his duty.

"What do you want?!"

"SCP-001? Or the O5 Council?"

"No, no, no."

Jiang Li waved his hand.

He pulled a crumpled menu (handwritten by himself) out of his pocket.

"I only want one thing."

Jiang Li pointed to the ground beneath his feet.

"I heard you keep one here..."

"A giant lizard that just won't die no matter how hard you try?"

"It's called...682, right?"

……

"Grandpa...Grandpa?!"

The captain's expression changed instantly.

SCP-682, the Immortal Lizard.

That was the Foundation's nightmare. It was a psychological trauma for all containment specialists.

Is this man... after 682?

Was he there to save it, or to exploit it?

"Lead the way."

Jiang Li patted the captain on the shoulder (that pat almost shattered the captain's exoskeleton armor).

"I want to go..."

"Inspect the goods."

……

An emergency meeting of the O5 council.

at the same time.

In an unknowable, high-dimensional conference room.

The thirteen members of the O5 Council are watching the surveillance footage from Site-19 intently through an encrypted channel.

O5-1 (Founder): What is the Hume index of this entity?

Technician: It cannot be measured. Or rather... the place where he is is the absolute benchmark of reality. Even reality warpers become mortals in his presence.

O5-4 (Ambassador): He just said he came to see 682?

O5-7 (Professor): He mentioned "inspection." According to linguistic analysis, this word is usually used in...vegetable markets.

O5-13 (Death): ...

O5-1: His request is approved.

O5-4: What?! Let him get in touch with 682? That's an extremely dangerous Keter-level project! If the two join forces...

O5-1: No.

O5-1's voice carried an eerie calmness.

"If he could handle 682..."

"That will be the greatest containment victory in the Foundation's history."

"Order Site-19... to open the containment area."

"Let's see..."

"This so-called 'chef'..."

"Could we... serve that immortal monster on the dinner table?"

……

Site-19, 30 floors underground, heavy containment area.

As the heavy explosion-proof doors opened.

A pungent smell of hydrochloric acid wafted towards me.

In a huge reinforced glass water tank filled with highly concentrated corrosive acid.

A huge, rotting crocodile-like creature lay silently at the bottom of the pool.

Half of its body had been corroded by the acid, exposing its bones, but the granulation tissue was wriggling and regenerating at a visible speed.

It is SCP-682.

The Immortal Lizard.

It hates all life.

Its very existence is a mockery of the laws of nature.

……

"Nausea."

682 opened its savage eyes in the acid.

Through the reinforced glass, it could see Jiang Li standing outside.

"Another... disgusting... bug has arrived."

The voice of 682 resounded directly in everyone's minds.

"What do you want to do?"

"Are those boring... execution experiments again?"

"I am... immortal."

……

"Indeed, it will not perish."

Jiang Li stood in front of the glass, not frightened at all, but instead showing a satisfied expression like that of a mother-in-law looking at her son-in-law.

"Look at this regeneration speed."

"Look at the activity of these muscle fibers."

"This is simply..."

"The most perfect...renewable food reserve in the universe!"

Jiang Li turned to ask Dr. Clef next to him (who was reluctantly assigned to monitor him).

"PhD."

"How many pounds does this thing gain every day?"

Dr. Clef adjusted his wide-brimmed hat, holding a shotgun in his hand, his expression strange.

"Uh... if given enough stimulation, its mass can increase by several tons in a few seconds."

"Several tons?!"

Jiang Li's eyes instantly turned into the shape of a dollar sign.

"marvelous!"

"This is much more profitable than raising pigs!"

"And you don't even need to feed it! You just have to hit it?"

……

"Open."

Jiang Li pointed to the glass.

"I want to go in."

"Are you insane?" Dr. Clef sneered. "That's strong acid. And 682 will tear you apart instantly."

"strong acid?"

Jiang Li scoffed.

"That thing, in my opinion..."

"At most, it's like... lemon juice."

"As for tearing me apart..."

Jiang Li drew Occam's Razor.

"Perfect."

"I'd like to see it too..."

"It's because its flesh grows fast..."

"My knife...it cuts faster."

……

The first intimate contact.

Under the special authorization of the O5 Council.

The isolation door opened.

All the acid was drained.

"roar----!!"

682 regained his freedom.

Its massive body suddenly sprang up, like a runaway train, opening its mouth full of sharp teeth to bite Jiang Li.

"Die, you bug!!"

……

"Too slow."

Jiang Li stood still.

Facing that enormous mouth, big enough to swallow a tank.

He simply... extended one hand.

"Smack."

A soft sound.

Jiang Li placed his hand on 682's nose.

It was like holding down a small dog that was charging at you.

The enormous kinetic energy vanished instantly.

682's body hovered in mid-air, its tail still swaying due to inertia.

It was stunned.

Its power... was blocked?

……

"Your flesh..."

Jiang Li pinched 682's nose.

"A bit old."

"It seems he doesn't exercise regularly and only knows how to take baths."

"and……"

Jiang Li took a sniff.

"It has a sour smell."

"This kind of meat definitely can't be grilled directly."

"First...blanch it."

……

[Cooking Technique: Violent Blanching - A Boiling Sea.]

"Ergou! Add water!"

"Woof!"

The two dogs opened their right mouths (to swallow), sucked at the fire hydrant next to them, and then sprayed at the containment pool.

A massive amount of clean water instantly filled the pool.

"Swan! Set up my... [Portable High-Energy Microwave Oven] (formerly Space Necrotechnology)!"

"heating!"

"Buzz——————"

An invisible microwave force field enveloped the pool.

In just three seconds.

The water in the pool... boiled.

"Awooo!!!!"

682 let out a scream.

It is not afraid of acid because it has evolved to be acid-resistant.

However, this instantaneous high temperature boiling caused its outer skin to quickly turn white and peel off.

"What are you doing?!"

"What kind of attack is this?!"

682 was horrified to discover that the attack wasn't trying to kill it, but rather... removing its fishy smell?

……

"Don't shout."

Jiang Li stood in the boiling water (he was protected by red oil, so he wasn't afraid of getting burned).

He was holding a huge colander.

Skim off the foam from the back of 682.

"Be patient."

"It'll be fine once the blood is removed."

……

The game of evolution.

682 was enraged.

Its body began to undergo drastic changes.

[Adaptive evolution initiated!]

Its skin rapidly keratinizes, growing a chitinous shell that can insulate against heat.

It has developed refrigeration organs in its body to try to lower its body temperature.

"You can't cook me properly!!"

682 roared.

……

"That's right!"

Jiang Li, upon seeing this, was not angry at all; instead, he clapped his hands in excitement.

"It's evolved!"

"Look, its flesh has changed!"

"It was limp crocodile meat just now."

"Now it's turned into... the hard shell meat of a king crab!"

"This means..."

Jiang Li raised the giant hammer in his hand (Thor's hammer).

"We can try a different way of eating it."

"Now that we have a shell..."

"Then... we'll eat it by tapping it!"

……

"eighty!!"

"boom!"

One blow.

The 682's newly evolved heat-resistant outer shell was shattered instantly.

It revealed even more tender meat inside.

"pain!!"

682 screamed again.

It evolved again.

This time, its muscles became as elastic as rubber, attempting to deflect the force of the hammer.

"Oh? It's turned into beef tendon?"

Jiang Li's eyes lit up.

"Beef tendon is great!"

"Beef tendon is perfect for... braising!"

……

An unlimited menu.

Over the next hour.

In the monitoring room of Site-19.

The O5 Council and all its leaders witnessed a unilateral act of bullying that will go down in history.

682 evolved fire resistance -> Jiang Li switched to chilled sashimi.

682 evolved a highly poisonous skin -＞ Jiang Li's method of eating pufferfish is a professional way to remove the poison.

682 evolved into a body full of bone spurs -> Jiang Li's is lamb spine hot pot, the more bones, the more fragrant.

682 evolved into a ghostly form without a physical body -> Jiang Li was sucking on a marshmallow.

……

No matter how 682 evolves.

In Jiang Li's eyes, it was all just... a change in the types of ingredients.

The harder it tries to survive.

The more diverse Jiang Li's recipes became, the more varied they became.

At the end.

This is the immortal lizard that once hated all of humanity and vowed to destroy the world.

Huddled in the corner of the pool.

Shivering.

The savagery was gone from its eyes.

Only deep... fear.

It looked at the man holding a knife, who asked it with a kind expression, "Would you like to taste like chicken or beef next time?"

"uncle……"

682 finally spoke (using polite language).

"Stop eating..."

"I...I can't grow back..."

"If it grows any longer... it will drain our energy..."

……

"Don't be so stingy."

Jiang Li cut off the last piece of "Void Flavored Pork Tenderloin".

"In exchange."

"I'll give you something good to eat."

Jiang Li took out a piece of... Nagou God Clan stinky tofu from his pocket.

It was given to 682.

"Try it."

"This is... a tonic."

682 hesitated for a moment.

He swallowed it.

"boom!"

A massive surge of life energy erupted within it.

The flesh that had just been cut off grew back instantly.

Moreover... it's stronger and tastier.

682 was stunned.

This stuff... smells really good?

And...can it really nourish the body?

……

A consensus was reached (captivity was successfully achieved).

"How is it?"

Jiang Li wiped the knife.

"after."

"You are the top-tier ingredient supplier for Deep Blue Cafeteria."

"I'll take care of providing you with top-tier fodder from all over the universe (such as Chaos Demons and Tyranids)."

"You're in charge of... gaining weight."

"We... achieve mutual benefit and win-win results."

……

682 looked at Jiang Li.

I savored the taste of that stinky tofu again.

For the first time, its simple logic of hatred began to falter.

If you don't get killed (just have some flesh cut off), you can eat delicious food (and evolve faster).

seem……

It's not that it's unacceptable?

"make a deal……"

682 lowered its proud head.

"but……"

"Could you... please stop using that sledgehammer?"

My head is buzzing...

……

Epilogue: New containment procedures.

That evening.

The SCP Foundation's database has been updated with a new record.

Item #: SCP-682

Project level: Keter -> Thaumiel (can be used to contain other anomalies, or as a strategic resource).

Special containment measures:

Strong acid pools are no longer needed.

SCP-682 is currently housed in the kitchen of the Deep Blue Dining Hall at Site-19.

It is under the supervision of Jiang Li, a master chef (who has now been marked as one of the candidates for SCP-001).

appendix:

If 682's emotions are unstable.

Please feed one piece of "Nagou Stinky Tofu".

If the meat of 682 becomes tough.

Please call Mr. Jiang Li to perform... physical tenderizing of the meat.

……

And at the entrance of the cafeteria.

Dr. Clef watched the task force members lining up to receive their "Braised Lizard Rice Bowl".

Then I looked at the sign hanging on the wall that read "Today's Special: Unlimited Refills of Dragon Meat Soup".

He fell into deep thought.

"This foundation..."

"I'm afraid I'll have to... take some pills (eat and drink well)."