I was just fishing, how did I become a Great Old One?

SCP Foundation Main Universe, Site-19, Deep Blue Staff Canteen (formerly Heavy Containment Area).

Noon.

It should have been lunchtime, with alarms blaring and researchers looking utterly dejected.

At this moment, however, the place was bustling with noise.

"Line up! Everyone line up!"

"Hey, mobile task force over there! Don't try to cut in line just because you have power armor!"

"Today's specials are [Charcoal Grilled 682 Ribs] and [Clear Stewed Dragon Tail Soup]! All you can eat!"

Wearing Thor's armor and holding a huge ladle, Tex stood in front of a pot five meters in diameter, shouting like a cafeteria lady.

in front of him.

A group of doctors in white coats, fully armed agents, and even a few D-level personnel in orange jumpsuits were holding stainless steel trays, eagerly waiting to get their meals.

The fear of the unusual was gone from their eyes.

All I feel is a craving for...dry rice.

……

"This is incredible..."

in the corner.

Dr. Clef held a huge, golden-brown, juicy rib in his hand, gnawing on it while marveling at it.

"This is the first time in my life that I've found 682 to be so pleasing to the eye."

"This meat... is even more tender than Wagyu beef."

"And after eating..."

Clef clenched his fist.

"I feel like my old wounds have all healed? Even that damn mental pollution has lessened?"

"Of course."

Jiang Li walked over, carrying a dish of chili oil dipping sauce.

"The meat of 682 contains extremely strong regenerative factors."

"After being treated with my Occam's razor (the will to hate has been removed)."

"This is the best... health supplement in the entire universe."

"but……"

Jiang Li frowned and tasted the dipping sauce in his hand.

"This dipping sauce is a bit lacking."

"The sesame paste and peanut butter in the cafeteria are not pure enough."

"Not fragrant enough, not delicate enough."

"and……"

Jiang Li glanced at Huo Fu, who was struggling to crush garlic in the kitchen.

"The efficiency of crushing garlic is too low."

"We need a... fully automatic, ultra-high-speed garlic press/grinder."

……

An immortal troublemaker.

Just then.

A red-haired researcher wearing a disheveled white lab coat and a ruby ​​necklace (SCP-963) around his neck sneaked into the kitchen.

Dr. Jack Bright.

The biggest menace in the foundation is that mad scientist who is immortal (as long as he changes bodies).

At this moment, he was staring at the dipping sauce dish in Jiang Li's hand, his eyes shining.

"Chef Jiang!"

Dr. Bright came over.

"I heard you're looking for... a machine to crush things?"

"Hmm?" Jiang Li glanced at him. "Who are you?"

"I'm Bright, you can call me Jack."

Dr. Bright pointed to the necklace around his neck.

"I have a good idea."

"In the light containment area of ​​Site-19."

"There's a guy called SCP-173."

"Nickname... Statue, or Peanut."

Dr. Bright gave a mischievous smile.

"It moves extremely fast."

"As long as you don't look at it."

"It will teleport behind you and use both hands... snap (makes a snapping motion with its neck)."

"Think about it."

"What if we changed its target... from the neck to... garlic or peanuts?"

"Wouldn't that mean...?"

……

"Wonderful!"

Jiang Li's eyes lit up.

"Teleportation?"

"That's... faster-than-light grinding?"

"Walk!"

Jiang Li put down the plate.

"lead the way!"

"Let's go borrow a... blender!"

……

Site-19, Light Containment Area, SCP-173 Containment Chamber.

This is the origin of the foundation, its very first work.

A prominent warning sign is posted in front of the heavy, airtight door:

SCP-173

[Rank: Euclid]

[Special containment procedures: At least three people are required to enter. Maintain eye contact at all times.]

"Open the door."

Jiang Li said to the guard.

The guard glanced at Er Gou and Dr. Bright behind Jiang Li (this guy had already grabbed a bag of garlic).

I also took a look at the "Ultimate Authority Pass" that the O5 Council had just issued.

"...Good luck to you."

"laugh----"

The door opened.

……

That one glance lasted for eternity.

The containment chamber was empty.

There stands a strange statue made of concrete and steel bars, shaped like a giant peanut.

Its face was painted with cheap paint (resembling abstract facial features).

It stood quietly in the corner, motionless.

At this moment, Jiang Li, Er Gou, and Bright all stared at it.

"Is this what peanuts are?"

Jiang Li looked the statue up and down.

"It does look quite like a peanut."

"And the texture..."

Jiang Li reached out and tapped 173cm's belly.

"Ding ding."

"It's made of concrete, so it's hard enough."

"Perfect for...using as a garlic press."

……

"Are you ready?"

Jiang Li took out a huge stone mortar (used for pounding medicine) from his spatial bag.

It was filled with peeled garlic, peanuts, and sesame seeds.

He placed the mortar in front of 173.

"Bright, Er Gou."

"Follow my command."

"Everyone..."

"Close your eyes!"

……

[Containment breach (fake): Rapid pounding of garlic.]

"brush!"

Three pairs of eyes closed at the same time.

The moment the line of sight was cut off.

SCP-173 moved.

Its characteristic is absolute: it can move at high speed and break the neck of living organisms when not being observed.

It appeared behind Jiang Li in an instant.

Those rough, stone hands, accompanied by a sonic boom, viciously gripped Jiang Li's neck.

"Snap!!"

A crisp sound.

Although Dr. Bright had his eyes closed, his heart tightened.

It's broken?

however.

"Ouch."

Jiang Li's voice rang out.

"That's pretty powerful."

"Put it back down!"

……

Jiang Li's neck wasn't broken.

Because he has red oil protecting him, and Xel'Naga's physical enhancement.

The 173cm hand was gripping his neck as if it were gripping a vibranium pillar.

It even broke off a piece of concrete.

Jiang Li grabbed with his backhand.

They grabbed 173's two short stone hands directly.

"I won't let you choke me."

Jiang Li forcefully pressed 173's hand into the stone mortar filled with garlic.

"I want you to...poke this!"

……

"Ergou! Set your blinking frequency to 10 Hz!"

"Woof!"

Er Gou started blinking frantically.

Open eyes—close eyes—open eyes—close eyes.

Every time he closes his eyes, 173 will attempt to attack.

With each attack, its hand was forcibly guided by Jiang Li to smash the garlic in the stone mortar.

"Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!"

The containment chamber was filled with the roar of machine guns.

173 is too fast.

It was so fast that afterimages appeared.

It originally intended to kill someone.

But under Jiang Li's "forced guidance".

It turned into a...human-shaped blender that vibrates thousands of times per second.

……

"It smells so good! It smells amazing!"

One minute later.

Jiang Li called a halt.

"Open your eyes!"

Everyone opened their eyes.

173 momentarily frozen.

It still maintains that strange posture: its hands are stuck in the mortar, and its face seems to have a hint of... bewilderment from being played with.

And in that stone mortar.

The garlic, peanuts, and sesame seeds have been completely blended together.

It turned into a bowl of... delicate, silky, and richly fragrant... premium garlic and peanut sauce.

"Is this... the texture of quantum grinding?"

Dr. Bright dipped his finger in the mixture and tasted it.

"Oh my god..."

"This tastes better than anything I've ever sneaked into the cafeteria!"

"Starting today..."

Bright took out a notebook and began to take notes.

"Added a new item to the list of things Dr. Bright is not allowed to do:"

"Although it tastes delicious, I don't recommend using SCP-173 to make peanut butter unless Chef Jiang is present."

……

Unexpected situation: The crying of a shy person.

The dipping sauce is ready.

Jiang Lixin picked up the stone mortar with satisfaction, ready to return to the canteen for lunch.

Just then.

The piercing containment breach alarm sounded again.

[WARNING! SCP-096 has breached containment!]

[WARNING! SCP-096 is moving at high speed toward the cafeteria at Site-19!]

[Cause: Someone played a mountain landscape photo containing 096 facial pixels on the cafeteria TV!]

……

"096?"

Jiang Li turned around and asked Bright.

"That...shy person?"

"The one who'll chase you to the ends of the earth just because they see your face?"

"That's right."

Dr. Bright shrugged.

"This is troublesome."

"Once 096 enters its berserk state, it becomes virtually unstoppable."

"It will tear everything in its path until it kills the person who sees its face."

"That is... those few hundred people eating in the cafeteria."

……

"Tear my diners apart?"

Jiang Li's face darkened.

"Dare to mess with my place?"

"Ergou! Grab your weapons!"

"Let's go meet this... person with social anxiety."

……

Cafeteria crisis.

Inside the Deep Blue Cafeteria.

a mess.

"BOOM!!"

The wall was smashed.

A pale, emaciated humanoid creature, over two meters tall, rushed in, crying.

It covered its face with its hands and let out a piercing scream.

"Waaaaahh ...

SCP-096.

It sensed it.

Hundreds of people saw its face (on television).

It is extremely painful.

It wants to eliminate these sights.

"roar!!"

096 opened its mouth.

Its mandible has a special structure that allows it to open to four times the size of a normal person's.

It pounced on the nearest Class D personnel like a maddened beast.

……

"Is this what 096 is like?"

Just as 096's claws were about to touch the D-class personnel.

A hand... pressed down on its forehead.

Jiang Li stood in its way.

He looked the emaciated monster up and down.

"This is...too thin."

Jiang Li shook his head, looking disgusted.

"His ribs are showing."

"This is simply... malnutrition."

……

"Waaaaah!!"

096 was blocked, and became even more violent.

It removed its hands from its face, revealing a pale, distorted, hairless face.

And those dead fish eyes that rolled back.

It stared at Jiang Li.

At this moment, Jiang Li was staring directly at its face.

"ah!!!"

096 let out an even sharper scream.

It has been seen!

It's going to kill him!

It opened its blood-red maw, attempting to bite off Jiang Li's head.

……

"Did you open your mouth?"

Jiang Li stared at the enormous, open mouth.

His eyes lit up.

"That's right."

"Child, I don't think you're just shy."

"You're... hungry."

"Look at you, you're so hungry you're crying."

……

[Cooking technique: Force-feeding.]

Jiang Li did not attack.

Instead, he reached into the pot behind him.

They scooped out a piece of beef ribs with bones, as big as a washbasin, freshly stewed and covered in 173 special garlic sauce... 682.

"Come!"

"Take a bite!"

"You're welcome!"

Jiang Li acted with lightning speed.

They stuffed that huge steak into 096's wide-open mouth.

……

"Ugh—Huh?!!"

096's screams came to an abrupt halt.

It's blocked.

Its jawbone, which originally evolved for slaughter, now... perfectly accommodates this giant steak.

It instinctively wanted to vomit and continue killing.

but……

taste.

The flavor exploded on its tongue.

The meat, grade 682, is brimming with top-tier vitality.

The minced garlic, mashed to perfection, is bursting with an irresistible aroma.

For a creature that has been confined in a containment chamber for years and is in a state of extreme hunger and anxiety.

This bite...

It was a salvation.

……

This is yet another testament to the "it smells so good" principle.

096 was stunned.

Its eyes, which had rolled back, actually turned back.

It looked at Jiang Li.

The claws that were originally waving around slowly lowered.

It begins... to chew.

"Click-clack".

Chew it up, bones and all.

"Gulp."

Swallow.

A warm current flowed through my body.

On 096's pale skin, a hint of... rosy color actually appeared?

It stopped crying.

It stopped calling out.

It just stared longingly at the pot in Jiang Li's hand.

And... he opened his mouth.

"ah--"

(More.)

……

"That's right."

Jiang Li smiled.

He scooped out a large piece of meat and stuffed it into 096's mouth.

"Look how thin you are."

Eat more.

"Don't keep covering your face in the future."

"You'll look better if you gain weight."

……

Recruited from: Mukbang (eating broadcast) stars who are big eaters.

Ten minutes later.

When the MTF Nine-Tailed Fox Squad arrived at the canteen fully armed.

They witnessed a scene they would never forget.

SCP-096 is classified as extremely dangerous and must be executed if it breaches containment.

She was sitting obediently next to Jiang Li at the moment (still a little socially awkward, with her back to everyone).

He was holding a washbasin in his hands.

It is... being sucked in by a storm.

Jiang Li was live-streaming the event (to the O5 Council).

"Distinguished members of parliament, please take a look."

"This is our newly recruited... mukbang streamer."

"Its beak structure is perfectly suited for eating large bones."

"Moreover, its digestive system is extremely efficient, with no waste whatsoever."

"Most importantly..."

Jiang Li patted 096's back, which was originally thin but was now slightly bulging.

"Just feed it."

"It stopped making a fuss."

"If I encounter a difficult customer (like a Chaos Demon) while delivering food in the future..."

"It can also be used to... deliver food (physical)."

"after all……"

"No deliveryman is more... committed to getting things done than someone working 096."

……

Night at Site-19.

this day.

Site-19's casualty rate was 0.

SCP-682 is diligently growing fat in the kitchen.

SCP-173 is diligently crushing garlic in the warehouse.

SCP-096 is diligently eating in the cafeteria.

The entire site was filled with a peaceful atmosphere.

……

New abnormal signal.

Just when Jiang Li thought he could finally open the cafeteria here in peace for a while...

Er Gou suddenly started barking wildly at the void.

"Woof! Woof woof!!"

Alice's alarm then went off.

[WARNING! Meme contamination from a higher dimension detected!]

[Source: SCP-001 (a certain proposal).]

[Feature: A red sun? No... it's some kind of... concept of "distortion"?]

No, wait...

[Signal coverage has been restored!]

A new coordinate has appeared!

[Location: Deepest underground area of ​​Site-19... Near the SCP-2000 (Deus Ex) facility?]

[There...it seems a "door" that doesn't belong to this universe has opened?]

……

"Door?"

Jiang Li put down the spoon in her hand.

He sensed a familiar presence.

That's not the scent of SCP.

That is……

"Cthulhu?"

Jiang Li frowned.

"wrong."

"Older than Cthulhu."

"More like..."

"The taste of the Outer Gods?"

"Has Azathoth's dream been revealed?"

……

Jiang Li wiped his hands.

"It seems..."

"We haven't finished eating yet."

"There is... a true Great Old One..."

"Trying to freeload a meal?"