A heretical cultivator in Bureau 749, I'm the fiercest at pulling out tendons and skinning peop

"Smack."

The jade pipe tapped Ji Zuodao's forehead with a light but firm sound.

"You should spend some time cultivating properly, understand?"

The empress, with a cigarette dangling from her lips, glanced at him sideways with her peach-blossom eyes. Smoke curled from her red lips, and her voice, though languid after the event, was undeniably authoritative.

"Get ahead quickly, don't waste your time hanging out outside all day. Don't learn bad habits at such a young age, like gambling with money."

"Isn't that something I learned from you?"

Ji Zuodao covered his forehead and muttered softly.

"What did you say?" The empress raised an eyebrow and pretended to strike with her pipe again.

"It's nothing, it's nothing!"

Ji Zuodao instantly switched to a smiling face, his eyes sparkling, and he made a crooked heart shape with his hands in front of his chest, his tone so sweet it was cloying:

"I mean, Auntie is the best to me! So generous! She just gave me this wonderful thing without hesitation! I love you, Auntie~"

"cough……"

The empress choked on her smoke, her eyes darting around, and with a flick of her finger, a light check was tossed onto Ji Zuodao's chest.

"Hey, you need some pocket money."

Her tone was a little hurried, even with a hint of barely perceptible guilt. After speaking, she braced herself on the edge of the bathtub, took a light leap with her bare feet, and jumped out, leaving a trail of water droplets in her wake.

Ji Zuodao was completely unaware of the Empress's unusual behavior.

At that moment, all his attention was firmly drawn to the long string of dizzying "0"s on the check on his chest.

His eyes were wide open and his mouth was slightly agape, making him look like a silly goose blinded by the sight of gold.

The Empress had already reached the bathroom door. Looking at Ji Zuodao's pathetic, money-grubbing face, she curled her lip in disdain, but then added in a low voice, carrying a hint of warning:

"Have some ambition, hurry up and become a stick."

Just because you didn't swallow me whole this time doesn't mean you can do it next time.

"Don't get any stronger, or next time you probably won't be able to escape."

Ji Zuodao was still immersed in the joy of counting zeros when he heard this. He looked up, grinned, and said without a care in the world:

"Auntie, you're such a joker!"

"hehe."

The empress's red lips curved into a cold smile, and a fleeting hint of purple flickered in her peach blossom eyes.

"Auntie... hasn't been possessed by a demon in many years."

What do you think?

Ji Zuodao's smile froze instantly, and a chill ran down his spine.

yes……

If Auntie really wanted to devour him, given his condition just now, she could have swallowed him whole in one gulp. What good would it do if he recovered quickly?

It dissolves directly in someone's stomach and turns into poop...

Pshaw! I heard that fairies don't poop, so wouldn't they leave no trace?

The thought of that scene sent a chill down Ji Zuodao's spine.

Seeing that the Empress was really about to leave, he instantly snapped back to reality. Forgetting about counting zeros, he scrambled out of the bathtub and followed her, his face once again plastered with an extremely obsequious smile:

"Auntie, let me see you off!"

Professional! That's what you call professional! Never miss an opportunity to please Auntie!

He had just stepped out of the bathtub when he felt something was off.

Looking down, I touched my wet belly in confusion. There seemed to be a slightly sticky, slightly different feeling there.

"Aunt?"

He looked up, his face full of innocent curiosity, and blurted out:

"Are you peeing...?"

"You little bastard!!!"

A pink fist, carrying both fragrance and anger, rapidly magnified in his vision!

"Bang!"

A crisp, muffled thud.

Ji Zuodao didn't even utter a sound. His eyes rolled back, and he fell straight backward, crashing back into the bathtub.

Before his consciousness faded into darkness, the last thing he heard was the Empress's three words, spoken through gritted teeth, a mixture of shame, indignation, and rage:

"You! You want to die!"

When Ji Zuodao woke up, it was already completely dark.

He groggily opened his eyes and found himself lying on the hard bed in his dormitory, covered with a thin blanket, with a little dumpling curled up next to him—

It was Qiqi, her breathing even and deep, fast asleep, her little face looking especially sweet and soft in the streetlight shining through the window.

Ji Zuodao stared at the ceiling for three seconds in a daze, then suddenly jolted awake!

He touched his chest—

empty!

He then reached into his pocket—

It's still empty!

"Holy shit!"

He almost jumped out of bed, but he forced himself to stay awake, muttered a curse under his breath, and frantically groped his body.

Where's the check?!

What about those seeds?!

That huge check! That wicked seed!

The sudden movement caused Qiqi, who was sleeping nearby, to let out an unconscious whimper and her little brows to furrow.

Ji Zuodao froze immediately, even slowing his breathing. Only after the little girl's breathing stabilized did he dare to exhale slowly.

He carefully turned his stiff neck, his eyes darting around the dimly lit room.

Then, he saw Dog.

Dog was nestled in the corner on the peeling old sofa, his legs crossed in a classic dog pose, an unlit cigarette between his paws.

A pair of dog eyes glowed eerily in the darkness, staring at him intently without blinking.

Ji Zuodao felt a chill run down his spine from that gaze.

When Dog saw him looking over, he slowly raised one of his front paws and pointed to the rickety, broken table next to him.

On the table, in the dim light filtering in from the window, two things could be vaguely seen—

A piece of paper that's light and flimsy.

A dark, deep black seed that seemed to absorb even the faintest light around it.

The checks and seeds were lying there perfectly fine.

Ji Zuodao's heart, which had been in his throat, suddenly settled back into his stomach with a "plop," and he let out a long sigh of relief.

"woke up?"

"Tell me, you little brat... what exactly did you do?"

Doggy took the unlit cigarette out of his mouth, held it between his paws, and pointed it at Ji Zuodao in the air. His dog eyes gleamed with the gossipy light of "confess and you'll be treated leniently; resist and you'll be punished severely."

"When that vixen left, the expression on her face... tsk, in all my years, this is the first time I've ever seen the word 'guilty' on her face."

It leaned forward, lowering its voice even further, with a hint of incredulous conjecture:

"You son of a bitch..."

"Could they be selling their genitals?"

"Screw you!"

Ji Zuodao's face darkened, and he spat out angrily.

"You can't expect anything good to come out of a dog's mouth! This is hard-earned money! I earned it through my own labor!"

"My aunt ate a full thirty pounds of my flesh! She ate it over and over again! Like she was eating at a hot pot buffet, only picking out the tender pieces! This is the reward I earned with my own flesh and blood!"

The dog's face clearly said, "Keep making this up," and it put the cigarette back in its mouth, mumbling:

"Give me a break! You? Sold by weight, boneless, skinless, and all meat, you think you're worth that much? Who are you trying to fool?"

Its eyes suddenly turned somewhat lewd, and its low voice was filled with unhealthy speculation:

"Tell me honestly, did you use any... um... unconventional methods? Like that... rich woman's pleasure fire? pleasure whip? or pleasure ball?"

"Go to hell with your happy ball!"

Ji Zuodao was so angry at the old dog's increasingly outrageous imagination that his liver hurt. Damn it, he clearly had the ability to read minds, this was obviously just playing a trick on him.

I was just about to pounce on this old bastard and tear him apart.

On the bedside table, the phone suddenly started vibrating violently, its screen flashing a stark white light that was particularly glaring in the dim room.

Ji Zuodao was startled and grabbed his phone to take a look—

Caller ID: Master Chef.

"Huh?"

Ji Zuodao was taken aback and scratched his head.

Weird.

His master chef was a true research fanatic, spending 360 out of 365 days a year holed up in the lab.

For the remaining five days, he either went out to forage for food or was forcibly dragged out by his other two masters to "get some fresh air" so that he wouldn't grow mushrooms.

This guy actually has the time and inclination to call him?

Has the sun risen in the west?