A heretical cultivator in Bureau 749, I'm the fiercest at pulling out tendons and skinning peop

Ji Zuodao's skills are truly exceptional. Reattaching the testicles to the tabby cat is a simple matter of lifting his hand, even more swiftly than stuffing an elephant into a refrigerator.

"Click, snap."

With a few gestures, it was all done.

"Hey bro, look at me, isn't he handsome?"

The tabby cat stood upright, its two hind paws slightly apart to support the two newly made, heavy "imposing accessories," and paced a couple of steps around the office with its head held high and chest puffed out.

He stood there, proud and imposing, as if he had just been awarded a high honor.

"Dude, isn't he handsome? Isn't he awesome?"

Ji Zuodao and Wang Dazhuang turned their faces away simultaneously, their shoulders trembling uncontrollably.

"Hang, hang..."

Ji Zuodao's voice trembled slightly as he pursed his lips tightly, "That's incredibly cool."

"Absolutely!"

The tabby cat, oblivious to the hidden meaning, grew even more smug, its tail held high, and it didn't forget to give Wang Dazhuang a sidelong glance.

"You're the only reliable one, big brother! You're really capable! Unlike some people, hmph, they're complete scoundrels! None of the jobs they introduce are done! And they even made me lose my balls."

Upon hearing this, Wang Dazhuang became displeased and slammed down the documents he was tidying up.

"Hey, Cat Bro, that's a really heartless thing to say! I admit it was my fault this time, but what about before?"

"Let's not talk about anything too far back, just last month! Didn't you say you were a nocturnal animal, always dozing off at work during the day, and beg me to find you an easy night shift job?"

"Didn't I assure you I found you a job? Watching the warehouse! Keeping away mice! Isn't that easy? You won't be exposed to the wind or rain, and there'll be plenty of cat food on time!"

"And what happened? You didn't even manage to hit your work partner, and you're blaming me for that?"

Ji Zuodao, who was holding back a laugh, looked at the tabby cat, who was still posing, with an extremely strange expression upon hearing this.

"What does 'wait a minute' mean?"

"It got beaten down by the rat?"

"That's lame?"

The tabby cat seemed to have its tail stepped on; it let out a howl and its fur stood up abruptly, no longer caring about posing, and slammed its fist on the table.

"Brother, don't listen to this bastard's nonsense. It's not that I can't beat him, it's that rat that's the problem!"

"Wang Dazhuang! How dare you say that!"

"You gave me a job watching the warehouse! But you didn't even tell me that the rats in that warehouse are all bigger than Tibetan mastiffs!"

"When I went in, wow! There were over a dozen of them! Their fur was glossy and shiny, and several of them even had dyed golden hair! They were squatting on the cargo boxes, cigarette butts dangling from their lips!"

"The leader saw me, didn't even raise his eyelids, and spoke in thick, authentic Hong Kong Cantonese—"

The tabby cat, in a high-pitched voice, mimicked the sound perfectly:

"Hey, you newbie, who came here and trespassed into my territory without even saying hello? No manners at all!"

"After saying that, he spat out his cigarette butt and waved his hand! The bunch of golden-haired rats swarmed around him in a flash! Without saying a word, they started beating him up!"

It became more and more excited as it spoke, scratching the table with its claws.

"You're hitting me while you're talking! I'll teach you some manners! You bastard! You're a piece of cake!"

"I found out later! The rats in that area were all accidentally brought over from Hong Kong Island by those scoundrels who transport pork leg rice! It's a triad operation! Organized!"

"This is a fucking biological invasion! It crosses provincial borders, no, it crosses special administrative regions!"

Wang Dazhuang spread his hands, looking completely innocent: "Whose fault is that? Your own cultivation isn't high enough, you can't control the situation, so why blame me?"

"Later, I was worried you'd be traumatized, so I found you a really great job, didn't I? That rich woman, the one who lives in a big villa, specifically asked for a beautiful kitten to keep her company, food and lodging provided, snacks and canned food to her heart's content, pure freeloading, isn't that enough?"

"Holy crap?!"

Ji Zuodao was truly astonished this time, his eyebrows raised high as he looked the tabby cat up and down again.

"Is this for real? What an incredible favor, Dazhuang! I'd even like to live off her... cough cough."

Upon hearing the words "rich woman" and "gold digger," the tabby cat's fur bristled up again, this time out of anger.

"Fine my ass! Fine, my ass!"

It suddenly leaped onto the table, its face contorted with excitement.

"Do you know how terrifying it is when humans 'pet' cats these days?!"

It lowered its voice, mimicking the tone that haunted its nightmares, its voice high-pitched and thin, with a slightly sticky, goosebump-inducing quality:

"Oh—my adorable little kitty Mimi—are you ready to be eaten by Auntie? Auntie's little snack—"

"Auntie's coming soon—are you ready to serve Auntie in bed? Let Auntie give you a kiss, muamua muamua—"

After learning it, it shivered violently, its eyes filled with lingering fear.

"And it even has the nerve to make gestures! It pouted and nuzzled against my face! This is inhuman! A normal adult human! What kind of noise would that make?! What kind of normal mental state would it exhibit?!"

"I stayed in that villa for less than three days! I felt like that auntie had sucked two ounces of my soul out of me! The way she looked at me was like a wolf's eyes!"

"I'd rather go back to the park and rummage through trash cans, starving, than ever set foot in that pervert's house again!"

Ji Zuodao was still amused, but when he heard the words "aunt," "serving the emperor," and "muamua," his smile suddenly froze, and his eyes darted around for a moment.

He recalled the days when the Empress Dowager would pet him until he felt like he had no will to live, and subconsciously shrank his neck.

"Cough cough..." He coughed tactically and looked away.

"Look! Look!"

The tabby cat was heartbroken and pointed its paw at Wang Dazhuang.

"What kind of jobs have you given me?! Either I have to fight a socially adventurous rat king the size of a husky at the Forbidden City! Or I have to serve some mentally unstable, perverted two-legged beast!"

"I seriously suspect you're trying to sabotage me!"

"If all else fails, could you at least introduce me to a job with a human? I'm willing to risk it all! I'll transform into a human, okay?"

"I'll apply for a job as a waitress at the cat cafe! Serving tea and water! Sweeping and wiping tables! Is that okay? That way I can also openly flirt with the female cats there! Kill two birds with one stone!"

Wang Dazhuang slowly picked up his cup of aged tea with tea leaves floating on top and took a sip.

Then, it raised its eyelids and looked at the tabby cat with a calm yet pitying gaze that seemed to say, "Don't you have any self-awareness?"

He spoke slowly, each word clear:

"I'm sorry, Brother Cat."

"The minimum requirements for hiring servers at a cat cafe in the city center—"

"Postgraduate degree, relevant pet care experience preferred, and certified professionals required."

"You..."

"Elementary school diploma, rural household registration, three generations of stray cats in his family, no license and no experience."

"Useless at everything, but a master at eating. He can eat five imported cans of food in one sitting, and he's still a picky eater."

"Someone like you is good for nothing but being cute. Calling you a lazy bum who expects to be fed is an understatement."

Wang Dazhuang put down his teacup and sighed.

"Don't even mention being a cat cafe server. Even if you wanted to work as a screwdriver in an electronics factory, the assembly line supervisor would advise you to go home and live off your parents after seeing your resume."

Cihuamao: "..."

It stood blankly on the table, its fur, which had just stood up in excitement, gradually flattening down.

The ears also slowly drooped down.

The cat seemed to have its energy and spirit drained instantly, and even the two "imposing accessories" on its rear end seemed heavy and dim.

It's emo.

I'm totally emo.