Re:Zero - Starting from Zero (Natsuki Subaru)

"Why are you fighting Julius? There must be some important reason, right?"

Emilia said this, seemingly trying to give Subaru Natsuki a way out.

Subaru Natsuki's eyes are different from the sunny and gentle eyes he used to have.

"There's no particular reason; I just want revenge."

"I acted impulsively. I hate it when he says I'm embarrassing, powerless, and unworthy of you."

Natsuki Subaru's mind was in such turmoil that even he was getting a headache.

A mixture of inferiority and arrogance.

And that kind of anger and frustration... Do you know what I've been through? What right do you have to judge me?

Natsuki Subaru's insecure self thought that what others said might be true: he had been a useless piece of trash all along, and that he had only made it this far thanks to Return by Death and everyone else.

Natsuki Subaru's arrogant self believed that without him, they would have been wiped out long ago, given the experience and intelligence they had gained through countless deaths.

From inferiority to arrogance, and from arrogance to inferiority.

In the end, it all turned into a heart full of resentment and anger.

That's why everything that's happening today has come about.

Emilia was somewhat surprised. Was it really necessary to fight Julius to that extent just because of these things?

"Just because of these things?"

Subaru Natsuki gritted his teeth.

Why doesn't even Emilia understand me?

Afterwards, Emilia told Subaru to stay in the capital and treat the Gate of Life, and that she and Roswaal would return to the mansion the next day.

Because as long as Emilia is there, Subaru Natsuki will always force himself to do something.

Natsuki Subaru knew Emilia had misunderstood something: "That's not it, I just wanted to do something for you!"

"For me??"

"It's for your own sake, isn't it?"

Emilia's tone betrayed her disappointment.

"Don't tell me it was all for my sake! Coming to the capital without permission, using magic without permission, and fighting Julius—all of that!"

"I never asked you to do these things, did I?!"

Natsuki Subaru's heart skipped a beat.

Ah, yes, Emilia never asked herself to do anything.

He had broken his promise to Emilia.

But then what does all that I've done amount to?

Natsuki Subaru's feelings were very complicated, a mixture of resentment and frustration.

Was all of this just his arrogance?

He clearly wanted to help Emilia, but now he has disappointed her so much.

Subaru Natsuki dared not look into Emilia's disappointed eyes again.

"Subaru, why do you want to help me so much?"

Natsuki Subaru almost blurted out, "Because you saved my life. You have no idea how much that was salvation for me..."

Emilia had absolutely no idea what Subaru Natsuki was saying; she couldn't understand it!

In Emilia's memory, there was no such thing as her saving Subaru Natsuki!

On the contrary, it has always been Natsuki Subaru who has been forcing himself to help her!

Seeing Emilia's pained expression, Natsuki Subaru hurriedly revealed how Emilia had helped him when he first transmigrated.

Before he could even utter a word, he was nearly strangled to death by the jealous witch Satella.

Emilia looked at Subaru Natsuki, who seemed hesitant to speak, and asked, "Aren't you going to say anything again?"

Natsuki Subaru always thought that Emilia would understand, that Emilia would comprehend him.

Emilia said she wasn't as amazing as he imagined.

There are some things that Emilia wouldn't be able to guess if they weren't told.

"It's all because of me."

Natsuki Subaru's expression twisted slightly.

How outrageous, how ugly, how real, how foolish, how ridiculous, how tragic, how unbearable...

"All these things that have happened along the way have been resolved peacefully because of me, haven't they?!"

Natsuki Subaru roared and shouted, as if only in this way could he feel a little better.

"Back then, when your badge was stolen and you were almost killed by a serial killer in the vault, you survived because of me!"

"I risked my life to save you because I value you so much!"

"It was the same back at the mansion!"

"The problem was resolved smoothly because of my presence; without me, things would definitely have been worse!"

"Everything! Everything was resolved peacefully because of me!"

"You owe me so much kindness that I can never repay it!!"

Subaru Natsuki's extreme inferiority complex and arrogance twisted him.

Arrogance and inferiority complex intertwined, causing Natsuki Subaru to blurt out these extremely hurtful words.

To prove they're not useless? To prove they're capable? To gain understanding? To receive a look of approval?

Natsuki Subaru's mind was in turmoil; he didn't know why he had become like this.

Emilia's eyes changed completely.

"Yes, I have received many kindnesses from you."

Natsuki Subaru agreed: "Ah, yes, so..."

Emilia continued, "So I will find a way to repay these debts of gratitude slowly."

"Let's end it here."

Emilia's eyes showed both disappointment and despair.

Because people fear the Witch of Envy and are prejudiced against most half-elves who share the same origins as her.

Therefore, Emilia has always hoped that someone around her would treat her like an ordinary person.

They didn't look at her with any special regard, but simply treated her like an ordinary person.

Emilia had thought that Subaru Natsuki would become that kind of person, the one she had always hoped for.

but……

However, how could Subaru Natsuki, who has experienced death several times, possibly do that?

Subaru Natsuki's feelings for Emilia make it impossible for him to treat Emilia as an ordinary person or a regular friend.

In Subaru Natsuki's eyes, Emilia was the most special existence and the most unique person.

Emilia left, and the two went their separate ways.

……

Rem was the only one left by Subaru Natsuki's side who was still willing to stay with him.

Subaru's head rested on Rem's lap.

Natsuki Subaru awkwardly looked away.

"Why should you put up with me when I'm making such a fool of myself?"

Rem didn't seem to care about any of that, and simply stroked Subaru's hair gently.

……

The days spent receiving treatment at the Crusch mansion were not easy.

It's not that Crusch mistreated Subaru Natsuki.

only……

Natsuki Subaru's mind was in turmoil, completely chaotic.

Every time Natsuki Subaru recalls his previous words and actions, he feels inexplicably angry.

To prevent myself from overthinking, and also to make myself appear as if I'm still putting in the effort.

Besides receiving treatment, Subaru Natsuki also trains in swordsmanship with Wilhelm from Crusch's camp every day.

Before long, Wilhelm saw through Subaru Natsuki's thoughts.

After learning that Subaru Natsuki was not practicing swordsmanship for protection, Wilhelm stopped instructing Subaru.

Not long

Rem suddenly found Subaru Natsuki with a serious expression.

Through the mansion, Ram and Rem share a sense of connection.

Rem learns that something happened at the mansion.