Jobless Reincarnation: The King with a Mental Problem

Chapter 63 You're such a selfish person, all you ever think about is yourself.

[Lilia's Perspective]

Snow stopped.

I don't know how long I walked.

My shoes were soaked through, and my toes were numb from the cold.

The cotton-padded coat was neatly folded on the hotel bed—it was a coat that young Master Trevor had enchanted with a warm magic circle, and it was very warm to wear.

But I don't deserve to wear it.

That cotton coat shouldn't be with someone like me....

It should be left to those who need it.

The forest grew denser, and the snow on the trees weighed down the branches, making them look like things bowing their heads in repentance.

My legs are getting heavier and heavier, and my old injuries are hurting more and more. Now, every step I take requires all my strength...

That's enough...

I've walked enough...

That's it...

I found an open space and lay down...

It was called an open space, but it was really just a gap between trees, through which one could barely see a small patch of hazy sky.

But we can't see the stars, nor the moon...

It's so cold...

I turned to the side, curled up my legs, clasped my hands together, and buried my face in my hands...

This pose reminds me of when I was little, my dad said I curled up like a cat...

dad......

sorry......

This is probably how my life will turn out...

What exactly happened?

Why did it turn out like this?

Luckily, I didn't choose a particularly fast method...

This gives me enough time to reflect on my life...

When I was little, my dad would always say, "Lilia, what do you think of that kid Paul?"

I know what he means; he wants to pass the temple on to Paul and wants me to become Paul's wife.

just......

I want to too...

I served Paul tea and water, mended his clothes, and secretly saved the best ointment for him when he was injured.

I thought he would notice me, and that he would reciprocate my feelings.

Then, that night...

......

I don't want to think about it anymore.

......

What happened next was like a nightmare from which I would never wake up.

I have no face to stay in my father's monastery any longer.

The way my fellow apprentices looked at me was like they were looking at a broken piece of porcelain—a pity, but worthless.

I left for the capital, where I became a royal guard thanks to my swordsmanship.

I thought that changing places would change me into a different person.

I cut my hair short, straightened my face, and hid my expression behind a mask that contained nothing.

Neither laugh, nor get angry, nor be surprised, nor be sad.

Everyone says I'm a reliable person, and I'm actually quite proud of that.

Because it made me feel like I was completely separated from the past.

But later I got injured, and this reliability couldn't give me a chance for a high-level healing magic trick.

I can no longer be a guard.

And I... know some royal secrets.

This secret, whether useful to others or not, isn't a huge secret, but it's enough to make some people not want me to return to my hometown alive.

I have nowhere to go.

Then, I met Paul.

He got married, had a wife, his wife was pregnant, and they had an adopted son.

He looked so clean, energetic, full of hope for the future, and his face was full of happiness.

I'm so angry...

I hate him so much!

Why is it that he ruined my life, yet he can still smile happily...?

but......

This is also my chance to survive...

I used past events to blackmail him.

I need a place to stay, and he needs a reason to shut me up.

fair enough.

Senis... I don't know how to describe her.

She had absolutely no reservations about me. She treated me like family, like a friend, like someone she could trust, and like a part of her family.

She would ask me what I liked to eat, remember my tastes, and use healing magic tricks on me when my legs hurt.

I didn't know what expression to wear when I looked at her.

Fortunately, I don't have to make facial expressions.

That's the advantage of masks—when you don't know what expression to make, you can just do nothing.

And Paul...

He is now a gentle husband, a responsible father, and an excellent knight...

Every day I watched his family gather around the dining table to pray, watched Mrs. Senis smiling as she served Paul food, and watched Trevor spouting nonsense about the "Lord of Shadows" in a precocious tone.

And I... am an outsider...

Why?

But why?

I'm so sad...

If he hadn't left back then, if he had taken me with him, I would be just as happy, wouldn't I?

Later, Mrs. Senis became pregnant again.

Paul was very happy and laughed like a fool every day.

He then worked desperately, hoping to save more money.

When he came back, he was exhausted, and I actually felt sorry for him...

It's all because of him that I...

He fell asleep in the bathtub; at first I just wanted to help him scrub his back...

But seeing how exhausted he was...

And then I...

I don't even know how to explain it myself...

I crossed the line...

Paul didn't refuse, and I felt so happy at that moment.

And then... the door was pushed open...

When the door was pushed open, I was leaning against him.

None of us heard any footsteps, and by the time we realized it, young Master Trevor was already standing at the door.

My body, which had been burning hot, suddenly turned cold. I couldn't tell if it was sweat or water, but every drop was terrifyingly cold.

It's so cold...

The cold seeps out from between your bones.

I didn't dare move an inch; only my teeth were chattering with fear...

In that instant, I finally came to my senses.

What am I doing? What am I doing?

Mrs. Senis is still sleeping in the next room. She is pregnant. She has entrusted the house to me and trusts me.

And what have I done...?

I've become the kind of person who destroys other people's happiness, even though I should be the one who hates people the most...

And that child, he just glanced at me with that kind of look that I've always been afraid of...

Then go.

I don't remember much about what happened that night.

All I remember is Paul's silence, my teeth chattering, the steam slowly dissipating in the bathroom, and the cold air seeping in through the crack in the door.

Later, Trevor said he would take me away.

It wasn't asking for my opinion.

It's a notification.

He's terrifying...

From the very first moment we met, he looked at me with that condescending gaze.

He looked at me like an arrogant nobleman his whole life.

I saw too many similar looks in the palace, and then the "people who shouldn't exist" disappeared from the next day onwards.

I saw Trevor kill someone.

He was torturing those people...

He squatted down next to the woman, pulled her hair, and spoke to her.

The sound wasn't loud, but I could hear it.

Isn't it better to just live a good life?

—You bunch of idiots.

The greatest harm you can do to me is to splatter your filthy blood on me.

Those words were actually meant for me, weren't they...?

If one day he treats me like that...

I'm so scared.

What he said to Rudy...

I must be the lowest of the low, the fourth category, because I might hurt Senis...

He will definitely torture me cruelly, and then kill me...

I'm so scared.

But... he didn't...

He didn't even yell at me.

He still looked at me with the same eyes that looked at trash, but he would lend me his most treasured cloak, put a warm magic circle on my cotton coat, deliberately slow down the carriage's speed, and leave me the warmest corner when we camped at night.

He didn't punish me, but his lack of punishment caused me more pain than any punishment.

Because I know he hasn't forgiven me.

He's just... kinder than me.

He showed no mercy to the bandits along the way...

They are never stingy with their help to those facing difficulties...

Someone I hurt, someone I hated, someone I feared... was kinder than me...

This made me feel utterly despicable.

Yes, he's so smart, so talented, maybe he saw right through me from the start, which is why he looked at me like that...

......

Then, I threw up.

Morning sickness.

I know what that means.

I touched my lower abdomen; it was flat, and I couldn't feel anything, but I knew something was growing inside.

He is Paul's child, he is my child.

It is also... a sin.

Young Master Trevor probably guessed it too.

He helped me fool Lord Gilead with that half-true, half-false reason.

He was covering for me.

It was clearly me who forced him to leave home, it was clearly me who destroyed what he cherished most, yet he's covering for me.

My staying here will only make things more difficult for him.

He must feel disgusted, like he'd swallowed a fly, just looking at me every day.

But he didn't scold me, didn't chase me away, and didn't kill me, because he was kinder than anyone else and valued responsibility more than anyone else.

I hate it so much, why, why aren't I punished...?

Why are you being so stubborn yet soft-hearted towards me...?

Since you're unwilling to do it yourself... then let me do it myself...

The snow was falling heavier and heavier, almost covering my body, leaving only half of my face exposed.

I can't move my hands or my feet.

My body began to feel heavy, as if someone had placed a large rock on top of me.

Consciousness began to fade.

I was thinking about the baby in my belly that hadn't been born yet.

I'm really... sorry.

I'm sorry... I couldn't bring you into this world.

......

I heard footsteps and the sound of snow being compacted.