The person who likes me is a yandere.

I have a severe fear of that person. That's why I only have Tomoya Aki as a friend.

Tohka actually thinks I'm scary, even though I'm so cowardly.

"She always felt uneasy. She worried about how Qianyu-kun viewed her. Although her confession was accepted, the relationship progressed very slowly, didn't it? She even wondered if she had been disliked. Even after losing her memory, she still kept thinking about Qianyu-kun."

"........."

"Tohka-chan likes Asagao-kun."

All the emotions that had been surging up before have now vanished.

My burning passion has begun to cool; just standing here feels exhausting. Why have I come to this? Did I do something wrong? Or did someone else do something wrong?

Upon hearing my question, the angels and demons residing in my brain spoke in unison once again.

The one who caused all of this is none other than you, you scum, coward, timid, and despicable coward!

—Oh, I see. So I really was that kind of scum who, even in death, would be considered a contribution to society.

“Qianyu Jun”.

Ms. Yamada called my name. As an adult male, she had never treated me like a child.

So for me, she is the most difficult adult.

Are you really that afraid of others?

是 的

Do you hate being disliked?

Isn't that obvious?

"Even so, is being liked by someone still so painful?"

I felt blood welling up in my nose. Cold tears spilled from my eyes. I was completely overwhelmed by my emotions; even my voice was trembling, but I still managed to speak.

"...Because, even if someone shows you kindness and the two of you successfully get closer, no one can know how far the relationship can go, right?"

Two people like each other, and gradually... they go from strangers to friends, then to best friends. From ordinary people of the opposite sex, they become lovers.

But when will this end? Lovers become wives, do XX things, have children, become parents, raise children, grandchildren are born, become grandfathers, grandmothers...

But their relationship wasn't over yet, was it? To ensure it wouldn't be damaged, they proceeded cautiously and timidly until death.

If we can't do it, we'll end up like her and me now, failing and facing the inevitable separation and separation of our lives.

Wouldn't that be incredibly sad? What has happened is hard to forget; it will hurt and wound your heart.

It's like walking on a road that never ends. Once you fall, it's all over.

To avoid falling, I have to be on edge, constantly vigilant... I hate this... It's too exhausting, it's like hell..."

"But isn't that how everyone gets through it? Spending the rest of their lives with someone."

“I am different from others. I have always been weak, neurotic, cowardly, and annoying.”

"But loneliness is even more terrifying, isn't it? That's why you became friends with Aki Tomoya-kun, right?"

Aki Tomoya is my best friend since middle school. Although he's an outsider, he's different from the others.

He never gets angry no matter what I say, he's very gentle with me, and even if we argue, he's always the one to make up. Being with him is very relaxing. But even so—

"It's impossible to be together for a lifetime, you know? You have your own place to go, and he has his own future."

I understand that. But to survive in that classroom, in that sink-like place, I have no choice but to rely on him.

"Qianyu-kun, it's not scary to be afraid of others. Everyone has a weak spot in their personality. But if you keep running away because of fear, where can you run to in the end?"

"------"

"People cannot stay in one place forever, because time will pass, seasons will change, people will grow older, and people will change accordingly. Therefore, people cannot stay in a greenhouse forever."

If there truly is an environment that never changes and always makes people feel comfortable, then it must be heaven.

We were all born in heaven. We were born from our mother's warm womb and came to this cold world.

And we can never go back. Time in heaven has passed; you were born and exist here. You can no longer be one with anyone. The path of escape will never lead to happiness.

Living alone, because happiness is unpredictable, is what makes one feel lonely.

"In that case, is death the only way out...?"

“I don’t think so. In the end, everyone is alone. But even so, we can still embrace someone warmly. Although it’s not the paradise before we were born, we can still feel warmth and fight against the coldness of the world. Qianyu, living doesn’t mean we have to search for paradise. Even if we don’t know where we will eventually go, we can still hold the hand of the person we are destined to meet and move forward together.”

"...This isn't just about enduring, is it?"

"Even so, there will definitely be happy times. Tohka will definitely bring you happiness. Even if the end of your journey isn't happy, happiness will be with you along the way. If you support each other, the difficult road to the end will become less arduous. For you, she is that kind of person. And for her, you are the same."

"It's over between her and me, isn't it..."

"This is just your personal opinion. It's natural for people to hurt each other. But even if it's hard to forget the fact that we hurt each other, it's possible to forgive each other. If you really like someone, even their scars will look cute."

"But I feel like I've never done anything that would make her like it!..."

No matter how hard I try to recall, I can't find a single thing related to this.

I've been searching ever since the day I was confessed to, but I still haven't found anyone.

I am so weak and cowardly.

If my life experiences so far have shaped me into who I am, I wouldn't accept it. I could never like this kind of life experience.

Why have I become such a troublesome person? Why, and when, did I become like this?

You brought this on yourself; making excuses only continues to deceive yourself. If you truly feel disgusted, then die. Choose death because of your own mistakes. Die alone.

Chapter 41 Going to Welcome Her

You brought this on yourself; making excuses only continues to deceive yourself. If you truly feel disgusted, then die. Choose death because of your own mistakes. Die alone.

"In my first year of high school—"

Kato Megumi's melodious voice reached my ears and gripped my heart tightly.

"—Yuri-chan has only once almost lost to someone. The person was a classmate, and it happened shortly after the opening ceremony."

I had absolutely no idea about this.

I should have been there too. But I never remember ever seeing her frustrated. Because she was always indifferent, always right, always assertive—.

"During the first clothing inspection in class, everyone said she was too strict and kept criticizing her. That's when someone said that to her."

You're just indulging in self-satisfaction; it's all hypocrisy. Even if you're the student council president, you can't act so recklessly.

This sounds like something I've heard somewhere before—

"It seems that Qianyu-kun was in the infirmary at the time."

Ah, I remember now.

When I left the infirmary and returned to the classroom that day, it was already time for school to end.

In the classroom, which was still summer but felt extremely cold, Tohka sat alone on a chair.

Do you remember what you said back then?

I remember, because that was the first time I spoke to her.

That day was the first time I'd ever been lectured for skipping class to go to the infirmary.

“I don’t know what Asago-kun said to Tohka-chan back then. But Tohka-chan told me that Asago-kun’s words saved her.”

"I was just being casual... It was just something I said unintentionally that I felt I should say to her..."

"That's enough as a start, isn't it?"

Kato Megumi shook her head in denial.

"Feelings are something that accumulates little by little. Tohka-chan, I've been paying attention to Asagami-kun ever since then, and I've gradually fallen in love with you. And then on that day, I confessed to you. Although I was a little scared, I still mustered up the courage to stand in front of you."

"........."

"I've heard so many things about Asagami-kun from Tohka-chan. Because Tohka-chan has always been watching Asagami-kun. Even after she lost her memory, she still is."

Isn't Asagiri-kun the same? She helps others with work completely unrelated to her own, chases after a bus to deliver someone's wallet, and bravely protects someone from a scary old man. She can do many admirable things, can't she? Although I've always been a supporter of Yuri-chan, even so, I think Asagiri has aspects that deserve to be loved. I believe these aspects of Asagiri-kun should also be recognized.

"........."

"If you turn and run away because you're scared, you won't be able to see the other person clearly. That's why you never understand Tohka's feelings."

Her words repeatedly touched the most sensitive part of my heart. Although it was somewhat painful, it was also as refreshing as the sun shining after a rainstorm. Things that I didn't understand before, I finally understood completely.

Normally, Kato Megumi's words would only hurt me, but today they sounded so sweet. It was as if they had cleansed some pitiful part of my heart.

Ms. Yamada looked at me. My tears had dried up, but my body was still burning with fever.

"Asagao-kun, if you really don't like Tohka, then let's leave it at that. Because in the future, you and Tohka will meet many more people. But if that's not the case, and you regret what you did today in the future, then go ahead."

"Where are we going?" Just as I was about to ask the question, the teacher gave me the answer.

"Tohka is looking for something she lost when she was preparing for your date that day, at the place where the accident happened."

Just as I was feeling confused, Kato Megumi continued to add.

"It's true. I heard it from Tohka's mother. Tohka goes to that place every year around this time, it's really strange..."

Tohka is all alone.

She had lost her memory and couldn't even recognize the people around her. But those around her knew her. Something that had accumulated over a decade had been completely reset.

Even so, people don't change.

Then only the line of relationship—the one that pulls you toward something of someone else—remains.

This represents loneliness. Being abandoned by the environment one has accumulated over a long period of time.

Before she lost her memory, she never used honorifics. But now, even when she's talking to a classmate, like Kato Megumi, she uses honorifics.

I always keep a distance of about one and a half steps from others. The way she speaks is the same principle.

In my childhood, I got lost on that country path. It must have been a lonely place. Fearing others, I ran away, trying to escape, but the only destination I fled to was an even darker path.

Out of fear, I chose to run away, while she remained there, as if time had frozen.

In the end, the only person she could rely on was not someone else, but her past self.