A villainous girl created by paranoia

I watched my mother drown in the lake.

I can swim! I could have saved my mom!

【XNUM X Year X NUM X Month X NUM X Day】

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamt that my mother was questioning me about why I didn't save her.

I was startled awake and couldn't sleep well all night. Even when I took a nap at my desk during class, I would dream about my mother.

【XNUM X Year X NUM X Month X NUM X Day】

I failed in my suicide attempt; I tried to drown myself, but Elena saved me.

Elena thought I had fallen into the water and didn't know I had committed suicide.

Having attempted suicide once, I will never dare to do it again.

【XNUM X Year X NUM X Month X NUM X Day】

I was also woken up by a nightmare this morning. My mother kept questioning me, asking why I didn't save her.

This is also why I wanted to commit suicide yesterday, because I dream every time I sleep, and I dream about my mother, and then I wake up from the nightmare.

However, during my lunch break today, when I was sleeping with my head on Elena's lap, I didn't have any more nightmares.

Let's see if I'll have nightmares again tonight.

【XNUM X Year X NUM X Month X NUM X Day】

It's another...nightmare...

I don't dare to live anymore. In my dream, my mother said a lot of hurtful things to me.

I couldn't refute it; in fact, I did watch my mother drown.

During my lunch break, I went to see Elena again, and this time I didn't have any nightmares while using my lap pillow.

【XNUM X Year X NUM X Month X NUM X Day】

Today, I won't have nightmares even if I don't sleep with Elena.

I guess my mother has finally forgiven me.

Although I haven't dreamed about my mother, I've been dreaming a lot lately about Elena and me doing H-things.

【XNUM X Year X NUM X Month X NUM X Day】

Perhaps, I shouldn't have lived.

I saw it again, someone else is drowning.

It's still that lake, still that bridge, and probably still those two people. This time, they threw someone into the lake again, and I... am still in the same spot.

How similar it was to when my mother died! I still don't dare to go out. I can only quietly watch that person drown.

But that person did not die.

Because Elena saved that person, and after Elena warned the two people on the bridge that she had called the police, the two people drove away.

And then...and then Elena rescued the drowning woman.

It's that simple...

It's...it's really that simple!

Why can't I do it? Why didn't I succeed?

I'm so desperate.

I attempted suicide again. This time I planned to hang myself, but the rope broke.

I dare not commit suicide again; the feeling of being strangled by a rope is unbearable.

But I don't want to live anymore.

So, I thought of Elena.

If... if Elena kills me, will she be able to take my face?

In that case, Elena would be perfect.

【XNUM X Year X NUM X Month X NUM X Day】

Elena refused my request...

I... can only keep living...

But I want to live for Elena, I want to give everything I have to Elena.

【XNUM X Year X NUM X Month X NUM X Day】

I confirmed my feelings when Yoko told me she liked Elena.

I like Elena and I want to marry her.

I would never give Elena to someone like Yoko.

【XNUM X Year X NUM X Month X NUM X Day】

I saw Yoko kill someone again. The victim was clearly just a child, but Yoko still killed him ruthlessly.

I had a fight with Yoko back then. I told her she was a butcher and had no right to stand by Elena's side.

She said I didn't understand. I don't know what I don't understand, but what she did was absolutely wrong.

【XNUM X Year X NUM X Month X NUM X Day】

Today is the first day of school, and Elena, who is already in second grade, must be very happy because a group of younger students will be calling her "senior sister".

But I wasn't very happy, because Yoko was instigating Elena to hurt others.

Yoko, who killed a child yesterday, is a dangerous element to me. I cannot let her get close to Elena again.

【XNUM X Year X NUM X Month X NUM X Day】

I confessed my feelings to Elena today, but she didn't seem to care much and took it as a joke.

However, I have nothing to be disappointed about, because it was just a momentary impulse on my part.

After all, I don't deserve to be with Elena.

July 15, 2020

I may have developed some mental health issues after my mother died.

Whenever I want to help someone, my mother's image from my nightmares reappears, so I become cold-blooded and start to ignore her.

Even if I saw a child fall into the water today, I wouldn't have done anything about it.

There was no one around; perhaps the child had drowned.

【XNUM X Year X NUM X Month X NUM X Day】

I'm so tired. It's so tiring to keep living.

I want to die. Elena next to me is too dazzling.

I feel that walking next to Elena is a sin, a torment.

Elena's selfless act was so noble that standing beside her, I could only feel waves of despair.

I want to die. I don't want to live anymore.

But I have to hold on; at least I can't die until I graduate high school.

【XNUM X Year X NUM X Month X NUM X Day】

I saw hope, I saw the hope of being able to die.

Elena was secretly watching a boy named Gao Gui. After asking Elena, Elena said she liked him.

That's fantastic! I've made up my mind. I'm going to become Gao Gui's girlfriend, and then I'll have Elena kill me and take everything from me.

【XNUM X Year X NUM X Month X NUM X Day】

Ugh, I've been so angry these past few days, but thankfully Gao Gui accepted my confession.

Otherwise, I'd really be afraid that Yoko might do something drastic.

These past few days, Ye Zi has also been pursuing Gao Gui, and I think I know what she's up to.

She probably liked Elena too, and also wanted to be killed by Elena.

But what does it matter? After all, I won, and it's me and Gao Gui who are dating.

【XNUM X Year X NUM X Month X NUM X Day】

Today should be the last day I write in this diary.

Today I prepared a 'gift' for Elena, and that gift is myself.

To be precise, it's my face and my identity.

I am ready to give everything to Elena.

Finally, I don't have to live in this world anymore; I can finally be free.

Elena, Tsubaki loves you the most!

After closing the diary, a smug smile couldn't help but creep onto my face.

I see, it's not different from what I guessed.

Announcement of unfinished project

I don't know what to say, so I'll just say nothing.