Konoha Drunkard

"Then why did Minato manage to seduce Kushina so quickly in less than six months, while you spent so many years trying to seduce her only to get beaten to a pulp?" Shanks asked again.

"...Tsunade is probably more domineering," Jiraiya said, stroking his chin.

"You should just keep playing whack-a-mole with her!" Shanks watched Jiraiya get up to leave speechlessly. This guy's not just lacking in emotional intelligence, his IQ is practically nonexistent too.

"No! Captain, for the sake of our good relationship, you analyze this for me, analyze it!" Jiraiya hurriedly stopped Shanks.

"Hey! The first point is that you're always clinging to Tsunade, which will only make her find you more and more annoying. Haven't you heard that distance makes the heart grow fonder? You should try to stay away from her and let her know how lonely the world is without you. Look at Minato, he's been leaving the village for a week or two or even longer these past two years, and Kushina is completely smitten with him." Shanks said, raising his index finger.

"Wow! I didn't know it could be done like that!" Jiraiya looked at Minato with sudden realization.

"..." Minato stared blankly at Shanks. How could he even say something like that? If it weren't for the exorbitant dowry you asked for, who the hell would be willing to risk their life for that dowry? He almost lost his life in the past two years because of that dowry.

"Secondly, you need to let Tsunade discover your strengths, like... Minato, what strengths does your teacher have?" Shanks really couldn't think of any strengths Jiraiya had.

"Uh... well, it's all good except for its flaws!" Minato gave himself a thumbs up for his cleverness.

"What are my shortcomings?" Jiraiya's eyes instantly turned beady, like a well-behaved student.

"You do have one or two flaws, like being a womanizer, being sloppy, being brainless, and so on..." Shanks listed a whole bunch of them.

"Do I really have that many flaws?" Jiraiya's entire body turned gray.

"Pretty much, that's about it. Aside from those, they're pretty much all the advantages," Shanks said, trying to convince them.

"......" Minato broke out in a cold sweat! Are there any advantages besides these?

"You need to correct all these shortcomings. The first thing is that when you see Tsunade, don't keep looking at her chest. Look her straight in the eye and let your aura shine through your eyes. A man's aura always adds points, just like me!" Shanks said proudly, patting his chest.

"Hmm! That makes sense! And then?" Jiraiya pulled out a notebook from somewhere and started taking notes.

"Secondly, you need to take care of your image. Look at Minato's appearance, and then look at you. You're all sloppy. It doesn't matter to me because I already have a daughter. But you're different; you're still single! How can you look like this?" Shanks scorned the shameless white-haired man who was imitating him.

"Hmm! Grooming yourself, being clean! Anything else?" Jiraiya took notes diligently.

"The third point, and this is important, write it down in red! It's about charisma. Charisma is extremely important for a man. Take Minato, for example. Minato is the sunny, warm type, and handsome. This kind of man is the most popular, like Uchiha Kagami in the past, with lovers everywhere and mistresses as numerous as dogs. And look at me! Everyone knows that I, Shanks, am unrestrained, masculine, and incredibly dashing. These are all qualities I developed from a young age. You don't have those advantages, so you can only cultivate and cultivate them later in life." Shanks didn't forget to boast a little at the end.

"Minato is so popular?" Jiraiya looked at the bewildered Minato with a puzzled expression.

"Of course! Look at Xiaochun, she's still gazing at herself in the mirror! That shows how popular this type of man is!" Shanks said.

"Then what kind of aura should I have? I want to be like Minato!" Jiraiya said shamelessly.

"...Your aura...lustful, lewd, and vulgar. These are the very qualities you exude, and they're exactly what Tsunade hates most! As for trying to be like Minato...that's impossible, you don't have the looks." Shanks really wanted to slap that old man's face. Damn it! He's even more shameless than him.

"Then how should I change this temperament? What type should I become?" Jiraiya asked hurriedly, as this concerned the important matter of whether his right and left hands could retire.

"...My type won't work either! The contrast is too great, Tsunade could tell at a glance that it was an act. You're more of a weirdo! Your type doesn't even come close." Shanks looked Jiraiya up and down; that lecherous gene was ingrained in his bones and couldn't be changed.

"What should we do? This is the most important thing!" Jiraiya's face turned gray again.

“Jiraiya-sensei…you could actually be like the Hokage,” Minato suggested, unable to bear seeing his mentor sad.

"That's right! Isn't the Hokage a master of packaging? People who don't know him would never guess that he's from the same school as you!" Shanks agreed.

"Then what should we do?" Jiraiya looked at Minato as if he could see the holy light emanating from him!

"You should observe the Hokage closely. You've been master and disciple for decades. Don't you know how he judges people and speaks to them? He can hide his lecherous nature so well. You... you should be able to too, right..." Shanks became more and more guilty as he spoke.

241. Your grandfather used to say the same thing.

"The old man's way of doing things? It seems... similar to mine, right? He just has a crystal ball in addition to me." Jiraiya said, stroking his chin.

"............" Minato looked at Jiraiya helplessly. He was hopeless, completely hopeless!

"Hey! For the next month, go to the Hokage Building every day and observe his behavior and way of speaking. You have to figure these things out for yourself to remember them well. No matter how much I tell you, you won't remember them." Shanks patiently said to Jiraiya.

"Yes, yes! I'll go to the old man on Mars starting tomorrow!" For his own happiness, and for the happiness of his hands that have worked so hard for so many years, Jiraiya is going all out this time.

"Ah!"

Inside the Hokage Building, Hiruzen Sarutobi inexplicably sneezed. Was he really getting old? Had he caught a chill in the summer? Then he looked towards the Red Bronze Zone. No! He wasn't old yet; his passion was still burning!

.........

As expected, starting from the second day, Jiraiya went to the Hokage Building early every morning and squatted in the Hokage's office every day without saying a word, just staring at Hiruzen Sarutobi. For the first few days, Hiruzen Sarutobi didn't take it seriously, thinking that this disciple was afraid of Tsunade and came to him for a few more days, and that he was just staring at him... He had raised him since he was a child, so wasn't it normal for a son to look at his father?

After a week, Hiruzen Sarutobi discovered that things weren't quite what he expected. You'd think that hiding from Tsunade wouldn't require her to show up at 8 AM every morning, right? She was more punctual than an alarm clock! You'd think a son would look at his father like that... but he'd never seen anyone look at him like that before. She never spoke, and her eyes never left him, occasionally even making those up-and-down scrutinizing gestures, which made Hiruzen Sarutobi's scalp tingle.

"Has this brat finally been driven mad by Tsunade's beating? Or is he starting to become a bit of a monster?" Hiruzen Sarutobi's anus tightened at the thought!

"Jiraiya, you've been here for a week. Is there something you need?" Hiruzen Sarutobi asked his former beloved student, despite the pressure.

"Old man, you go about your business and don't worry about me. I'm just taking a look." Jiraiya said, staring at Hiruzen Sarutobi without even blinking.

Hiruzen Sarutobi's eyebrows twitched. "You've been staring at me the whole time, how am I supposed to keep busy! I haven't even had time to care about how those girls are doing!"

"By the way, why haven't you been going to see Tsunade lately? Have you figured it out?" Hiruzen Sarutobi wanted to divert his attention, after all, being stared at by someone who might have been beaten senseless was too much pressure.

"Ah! The captain said distance makes the heart grow fonder. I'll avoid him for a while before I talk to him again." Jiraiya still couldn't take his eyes off him.

"...Did Shanks teach you this?" Hiruzen Sarutobi raised an eyebrow. That bastard really is a genius at flirting.

Hiruzen Sarutobi couldn't help but recall Shanks's public confession to Haruko when he was five years old—a perfect example of flirting. He even suspected that Kagami had consulted Shanks back then, which explained why he couldn't tell Fugaku and Jasmine apart. If Danzo had consulted Shanks back then, he probably would have snatched Jasmine back from Kagami long ago.

"Yes, the captain said that Tsunade needs to realize how lonely her life is without me before she'll remember how good I am!" Jiraiya said smugly.

"..." Hiruzen Sarutobi's lips twitched after hearing this. He looked at Jiraiya, who had been completely fooled by Shanks, speechless. Without you, she'd only be more carefree! Taking Garp to the casino every day, having a blast... She didn't even realize she'd been tricked by that bastard!

..........

"Tsunade! Are you planning to take Garp to the casino again?" Shanks didn't know that Hiruzen Sarutobi thought he had seen through his tricks. He had just gotten up when he saw Tsunade holding a bunch of banknotes that seemed to have appeared out of nowhere and carrying Garp in her arms, excitedly preparing to go out.

"Ah, after playing a couple of rounds, I discovered that Garp is particularly interested in the sound of dice. He might have a talent for this just like me!" Tsunade said proudly, looking at the one-year-old Garp.

"..." Shanks looked up at the sky. With that kind of talent, what kid wouldn't be interested in things that make noise...

"Give Garp a break! He's going to be the heir to your Senju family business. Do you want him to be begging on the streets? You've ruined the Senju family!" Shanks said, covering his face.

"Don't worry, with my training, Garp will definitely be better than me in the future!" Tsunade said domineeringly.

"That's what your grandfather said back then, and you've ruined it like this! If someone even more outstanding comes along, how are Rope Tree and the others supposed to live?" Shanks sighed.

"Alright, I'm too lazy to waste my breath on you! I'm going to train Garp now!" Tsunade gave Shanks a look of disdain and left with Garp.

"Sigh!" Shanks looked at Tsunade's domineering back. Hashirama Senju had committed too many sins; he simply couldn't bring him back.

"Hey! Uncle, has my older sister left?" Nawaki sneaked out and asked Shanks.

He had figured out Tsunade's routine: every morning she would take her son to the casino to have some fun, then go to the hospital, and if nothing happened, she would come back to get money from him to go out and have more fun, only returning around dinner time. So he would always take advantage of this time to appease Shizuka, and then he could secretly go out to study his human body art.

"Nabaki! For the sake of your Senju clan, you must keep the dividends from those mines safe every time they come in, understand?" Shanks patted the bewildered Naboki.

"Why...why, what's the connection between money and the Thousand Hands?" Nawaki asked blankly.

"Hey! Doesn't your older sister take your son gambling all the time? Don't you notice anything wrong with that?" Shanks asked, patting his dog's head.

“No! My older sister has always liked gambling, hasn’t she?” Rope Tree said.

“But your son is only a little over a year old, and she’s already taking him gambling. When he grows up, won’t he just be a gambling addict like her?” Shanks said.

"...What's the problem? Aren't my grandfather and older sister also gambling addicts?" Rope Tree thought for a long time but couldn't find any problem.

"But in the past, your Senju clan only supported one gambling addict per generation, which was manageable. But now Garp has grown up, and Tsunade is still alive. That means with your now-declining Senju wealth, you'll have to support two gambling addicts! Do you know what I mean? Your older sister alone has almost ruined the Senju clan, and in a few years another one will come..." Shanks looked deeply at Nawaki without continuing. In the end, they might only be able to preserve this clan land; the dividends from the mines wouldn't be enough to keep the two gambling gods from gambling...

"...What should I do? If I don't let my older sister gamble, she'll definitely beat me to death!" Rope Tree finally realized the seriousness of the situation.

"That's why I told you to secretly hide those dividends every time they come in, so Tsunade doesn't know, and to give the Senju a way out!" Shanks patted Nawaki.

242. Enhanced Super Strength Fist

"..." Nawaki looked up at the sky. Before, he was hoping Tsunade would ask him for money to gamble away her money at the casino. Now, the thought of having two gambling addicts in his house constantly throwing money away at the casino... was terrifying!

"Oh! What a tragedy!" Shanks sighed as he looked at Nawaki's despairing expression.

"Uncle, think of something! You grew up in Senju, after all!" Nawaki hugged Shanks, who was kneeling on the ground, and shook him violently, holding his lower body.

"Alright, alright! I'm trying to help you. You have a son now, stop crying and making a scene, it's so embarrassing." Shanks looked at Nawaki with pity. He should have known better than to save him in the first place. He should have let him die a more graceful death. Saving him only resulted in him suffering all sorts of torment.

"...Here's what we'll do: whenever Tsunade comes to you for money, just say that the mining industry in the Land of Fire isn't doing so well lately, and gradually reduce the amount of money you give her each time," Shanks said after thinking for a moment.

"Will she believe this excuse?" Rope Tree asked nervously. If she didn't, he was sure he would get beaten up again.

"Just give her the money, do you think you can fool your older sister's intelligence? Your older sister is the kind of person who only cares about money. She won't care how much money you give her, as long as you reduce the amount each time!" Shanks looked at this piece of rotten wood that had been grown by the Thousand Hands Wood and really wanted to kick him back into the furnace.

"Yeah! How come I didn't think of that? My older sister never counts the money when she takes it!" Nawaki's eyes lit up after Shanks explained.

Shanks's lips twitched as he listened to Nawaki's words. It was because she was using her own family's money and was too lazy to count it; when she asked me for money, she wouldn't accept less than a thousand.

.........

Jiraiya followed Shanks's advice and actually stayed in the Hokage's office for a month. Apart from eating and sleeping, his eyes never left Hiruzen Sarutobi for a second. He carefully observed Hiruzen Sarutobi's every move. His behavior not only frightened Hiruzen Sarutobi, but also the other two giants of Konoha.

"Did Tsunade make this child stupid? Is she starting to like men...?"

Mitokado Homura felt a tightness in his chrysanthemum when he saw Jiraiya's appearance; he hadn't appeared in the Hokage's office even once in a month.

"Hey! Tsunade, what a coincidence! Long time no see." After a month of training in demeanor, Jiraiya thought he had almost perfectly imitated Hiruzen Sarutobi. On the first day of the month later, he dressed himself up neatly at home and excitedly ran to Konoha Hospital for a chance encounter with Tsunade.

"This is a hospital, I come here every day." Tsunade held Garp in her arms and quietly looked at Jiraiya, wondering what kind of tricks this idiot was up to after disappearing for a month.

"Haha! Really? It's been a month since you last came to the hospital. I really missed it!" Jiraiya deliberately imitated Hiruzen Sarutobi's slow and deliberate tone of voice, controlling his eyes so as not to dart towards Tsunade's chest, and looked into her eyes instead.

"Really? Should I admit you so you can come in and reminisce?" Tsunade raised an eyebrow, looking at Jiraiya. She felt this idiot was acting strangely today, kind of like... that lecherous old man, the Hokage! The ultimate version of a pervert is indeed Hiruzen Sarutobi!

"Haha! No need, I just wanted to ask if you're free today, how about we have a meal together?" Jiraiya said, thinking himself very gentlemanly.

"No time, can't you see I have to take care of little Garp? Brat, don't move around!" As soon as Tsunade finished speaking, Garp snuggled into Tsunade's arms, turning her V-neck into a deep V-neck, revealing a large expanse of her chest.

Jiraiya broke down again, unable to control his eyes, staring blankly at the vast scenery. His two caterpillars started crawling out of his nose again, a trait so deeply ingrained that it was incredibly difficult to change.

After Tsunade hugged Garp again, she felt a burst of hot air coming towards her. Looking in the direction of the heat, she saw Jiraiya staring lewdly at her collar, which Garp had slightly opened earlier, with two red caterpillars hanging from his nose, getting closer and closer to her.

"Is it pretty?" Tsunade asked Jiraiya coldly.

“It’s…it looks great!” Jiraiya replied instinctively.

"Would you like to take a closer look?" Tsunade said, her whole body radiating coldness.

"Is it okay? Sure!" Jiraiya's mind was already filled with ambition, and he didn't notice Tsunade's change at all.

"boom!"

"Damn it! Die!" Tsunade unleashed her full power, delivering a super-strength punch to Jiraiya. This time, Tsunade truly held nothing back! The next second, Jiraiya's body pierced through the hospital's ceiling, flying into the sky and leaving only a flash of light behind.