I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

"Oh, that was a good catch~" As I got further and further away from her, the distance between us also gradually increased. Therefore, every time I passed the ball to her or she passed the ball to me and it was successfully caught, she would happily say this. Or, "Oh, that was a good throw."

But I didn't think there was anything to be happy about. I even felt bored and annoyed deep down.

"Senior, are you hungry?" I really don't want to waste time like this anymore.

"Oh, now that you mention it, it seems like it is true." She had just received the ball from me, and after responding to me, she threw the ball into the basket.

The basketball traced a rather unrefined arc in the air before hitting the edge of the basket and bouncing off, falling to the ground. It bounced, landed, bounced, landed... and she ran to retrieve it.

"What's wrong? Are you going to treat me to a meal?"

As if aiming at the basket, she threw the basketball hard again. However, this time it was no better than the first time, as it hit the rim and bounced away.

"...Sure."

It seemed like she wasn't very good at basketball. I didn't want to see her fail like that again, so I just agreed to treat her. I was pretty much used to treating people to meals anyway.

"You actually agreed. You're quite wealthy, buddy!" she said, throwing the ball again, but not at the basket, but at the guys playing basketball nearby. Their muscular arms showed they were regular basketball players...but whether they could rely on that to earn a living was another matter.

"Because I exercise regularly and eat a lot...people around me rarely treat me to meals. I didn't expect you to take the initiative to treat me. How can I put it, I'm really touched."

"..." However, I didn't see any touching expression on her face. It was just that smile that was like it was etched in my mind, and I couldn't forget it at all.

"What are you going to eat, Senior?"

"In this kind of weather, of course, hot pot is the best! It's steaming hot, and you can choose what you like to cook." He seemed to have no hesitation, and he must have been thinking about it for a long time.

"...Well, I have no objection." Compared to me who has no idea at all, it's really good that she has a master.

........

Someone like my senior who is cheerful all day long should have found what she wants to do.

Senior Bai Qiong, who was walking beside me, was humming a tune I had never heard before. The melody was quite cheerful, though... Someone like her probably wouldn't like melodious or sad tunes.

"Senior, are you going to be an athlete in the future?"

"Huh? Me? I don't think so..." She seemed very surprised by my guess. "Why do you have such an idea?"

"...Because you're always exercising, you seem to be in good shape and seem to be good at it. That's why I thought you might do something related to sports."

"...That's just a hobby." She thought for a moment. "Actually, I personally really like comics and stuff like that. If I wanted to be a cartoonist, I'd definitely choose sports comics. After all, I drew inspiration from a lot of sports in high school, so I wouldn't have any trouble getting started."

"...Cartoonist?" I felt like this profession had nothing to do with her now. "Have you ever drawn comics?"

"No. But I can learn." She didn't look like she had really thought about it. "As long as I can get into a university with a major in this field, it shouldn't be too late to learn it later."

"...Then why not just pursue the path of art?"

"It's already like this, it's too late to talk about it. Graduation is coming soon." She smiled and waved her hand. "I know it's a bit difficult to learn without any experience, but just do it. Everything is difficult at the beginning."

"..."

I don't understand her thinking...

"Besides, this isn't something that happened to you, so why worry about me?"

. . . . . . .

They don't consider ways to save time at all, don't make plans, and even if they have goals, they don't work towards them. They always feel that there are corresponding ways to deal with things and are overly optimistic.

I can't believe I ever lived my life this way. It doesn't fit my way of thinking. Yet, living this way does make me happier—because I can overlook so many things. And then those overlooked things become more troublesome later, and then come back to haunt me.

I will definitely avoid this kind of thing.

"I'm sorry to have cost you so much~"

"It's all a small matter..." People who say this usually don't feel embarrassed at all. And she, needless to say, certainly didn't feel any gratitude towards me.

"Junior, why do you still look so depressed?"

"..." He stuffed food into his mouth while saying this, which really made people feel that he didn't care at all. "Maybe I don't feel emotions for a long time."

"By the way, why are you suddenly asking me about the reason for my happiness... Have you encountered any troubles recently?"

"It's not a big deal. It's just that someone said I looked less happy than before."

"I don't think you've changed at all." She stared at me intently for a moment. "Maybe that person was mistaken."

"...Is there any room for misunderstanding in this matter?" I couldn't help but doubt it.

"Of course. It's like eating."

"I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about." And it was the first time I heard someone use eating as an example.

"Well, let's say you're extremely hungry, so hungry that your chest is sticking to your back. Even if the food you eat at that moment is only slightly flavorful, or even tastes terrible, you'll still think it's delicious." She paused briefly and fished the ingredients out of the pot. "But if you're already full, the same meal you were eating won't taste as good. Then you'll naturally wonder if you've found the wrong restaurant, or if they've changed the chef or something."

“...Hmm.” I actually felt that there was some truth to it.

"What's your relationship with that person?" She asked a very important question.

"...What's the relationship..." I only noticed this at this moment, "Come to think of it, I have helped her before."

"That's right." She snapped her fingers excitedly, as if she had solved a case. "Before you helped her, wasn't she starving? Without anyone to help her, she felt like everyone around her didn't exist. And when you showed up, her first impression of you was, of course, incredibly good. You were simply...perfect."

"That's a bit exaggerated." But surprisingly, there was a grain of truth in it. "So, now that she no longer needs my help, she feels like I'm missing something when she talks to me... but am I still myself?"

"That's absolutely right. Look, I don't think you're missing anything."

I think it's because I've only known her for a short time.

"..." Although this conclusion is a bit subjective, it seems to be explainable.

"In that case, then I really have nothing to worry about."

Of course, the question of whether I was happy or unhappy didn't seem to matter from the beginning. I was simply curious about what had changed in me and was so persistent in exploring it. And what was most interesting to me was that everyone had a different opinion on my changes.

"Come to think of it, you treated me to dinner last year." Only then did she remember how good I was to her.

"Yes, thanks to you I can cheer up." Although he had forgotten why he was depressed.

"Oh, so... did you find that person in the end?" Her unintentional question seemed to touch a weak spot in my heart. It felt like an electric current was running through my body.

"Looking for...someone?"

Wait, wait a minute...I think I did miss something.

"Yeah. Didn't you say you forgot about someone? How could you have forgotten after such a short time?" She sighed helplessly at me, "Your memory is really bad. Can you really memorize the text like this? Knowledge points and so on..."

"Can you be more specific about what happened at that time?"

"..." I must have looked incredibly anxious. Even Senior Bai Qiong, who wasn't afraid of anything, was stunned. "You're to blame for this."

I have absolutely no idea what to make of this statement that attempts to shift the blame.

"When I asked you what exactly happened, you just said you had a friend you couldn't quite remember. You confused that person's experiences with someone else's. And then you refused to tell me anything else... And all I can say to you is... Don't leave everything to time to resolve."

"Even though I clearly said that it's not a waste of time anyway..."

"Leaving troubles to be dealt with over time is just a way of escaping. And what about those things that don't matter? Although it seems that they really won't bring anything to your future self, I think as long as you do them, most people won't regret it."

"..."

"If you run away, you will definitely regret it."

"...escape..."

"Have you never run away from anything?"

I knew she had no idea what was happening to me. It was just a casual question she asked...but it was a question that had taken root in my heart.

"..."

A long time ago, Ye Jin once asked me this question. Although I said that I had nothing to regret, I still couldn't lie to myself.

"Of course I've tried to escape it... Not only did I escape it, but I also regretted it." That regret lingered in my heart. I tried to do many things to make up for it, but no matter how much I tried, I couldn't even dilute it a little bit.

"It's okay, I have this kind of thing too... It's not just us, in fact, many people in the world have one or two, or even more regrets."

"..."

I just nodded mechanically as she consoled me, not really listening to what she said next.

.........

The past days have been full of suffering.

Even though the past may be gone, the pain it left behind remains. This is how I understand this statement, and I don't know if it's correct. But even if someone clearly told me that the correct meaning wasn't... I wouldn't change my perspective on the past.

After suffering comes happiness, and after happiness comes suffering again.

For me, there are always so many bitter days.

Whether it was a lonely childhood, adolescence that gradually realized my own powerlessness, or adolescence that gradually became numb to the world. Whether it was encountering people with unfortunate childhoods, those torn and devoured by the dark side that emerged, or the acts of wantonly harming others for their own selfish desires...these things brought me bitterness that could not be diluted by a little happiness.

Besides, am I really happy now? Probably not.

"What do you think happiness is, Senior?" Asking this question out of the blue might seem strange, but I still can't help but ask it, because different people might have different answers.

"Happiness... I wish I could eat my fill every day like this."

Is that really the case...it really suits her style.

"That's not right. I think happiness is being able to do what you want without any constraints. No constraints of any kind..."

She murmured softly. A rare moment of smile faded from her face. It was a look of desolation and loneliness. It was then that I realized her earlier confession that she wasn't being self-deprecating.

"Um... I don't think you really like to laugh, Senior."

When we finally said goodbye, I suddenly expressed my opinion of her.

"..." She was only slightly stunned, then smiled as usual, "Did you notice? It seems I couldn't help myself, and you noticed me. You're really a clever little ghost~ You're right, I don't really like to laugh. ...But I can only laugh like this."

"..."

I longed to know the story behind her smile. But I tried my best to control myself. It was getting late... I should go home early.

"Then, Senior Sister, I still..."

Just as I was about to wave goodbye to her, she took the initiative to speak to me.

"You're actually curious about why I laugh so much, but you don't think I'm happy... is that right?" She was facing away from me under the streetlight, so I couldn't see her expression at all. But I was certain it was an expression she had never let anyone see before. "Well, I said that today... didn't I? When people laugh... it's not necessarily linked to their mood."

"...Um."

"But I'm sorry, I have the same secret as you, and I can't reveal too much to others."

I think so...after all, it is linked to past experiences.

"But I can give you a little hint. After all, you told me about your own affairs... and even treated me to two meals. I'd feel bad if I didn't give something in return." As I was about to turn around and leave, she still stood under the streetlight. "Don't look at me like this. I actually have memorized quite a few poems."

Don't look at me like this...it seems that she also knows how others see her.

"One of the poems left a deep impression on me, and I've never forgotten it..." She cleared her throat and recited it slowly, "A peach tree grew on a well, and a plum tree grew beside it. Insects came and gnawed at the peach's roots, and the plum tree died in its place. Even as the trees took their places, brothers still forgot each other."

“…This is…”

"Ahh~ It's getting late. Thank you again for your hospitality!"

When I was about to ask her something, she interrupted me and ran straight towards the dark road. I just watched her go until the cold wind blew on my face.

It seems she's also under a lot of pressure, and to some extent, it's far beyond what I can bear.

"...I hope you can be as happy as you appear to be later."

With this silent blessing, I also set out on the journey home in the night.

I'll tell you a lot of things

This short life is finally drawing to a close, and now my only wish is this: whether alive or dead, I only want a soul that is incredibly strong and unfettered.

This quote comes from the famous author Emily Bronte...or, of course, it could have been handwritten. But it doesn't really make me feel special. The only thing that piques my curiosity is what it takes to achieve the "strong, unfettered soul" she desired.

I don't actually doubt the theory that humans possess souls. On the contrary, I'm quite certain that humans possess souls. It's just that it's difficult to measure it with a single standard, just as it's difficult to measure real people with a single standard.

"I'm going to school--" I shouted and left the house.

If it had been a few years ago, I wouldn't have done this, because no one at home would have heard me go out. So, thinking about it, my childhood wasn't exactly auspicious. In other words, I still had the potential to become a delinquent. I'm not sure what exactly has led me to this point, but there are so many factors that influence me, it's hard to pinpoint them all, so I'll just chalk it up to luck.

Perhaps it was fate that destined me to live an ordinary life, which is why I never became a villain or a hero. Furthermore, even if I had gone astray, I would probably have only become a villain in the ordinary sense. If I had to recall anything truly remarkable, it would probably have been to cause conflicts among various factions of so-called delinquents.

It's not difficult to do this, as long as you are determined and spend some time to investigate. And the reason why I decided to do such a thing is not for justice... It's just to reduce my guilt.