I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

I've been trying to forget things with this mindset. Once I've forgotten them, I can escape more easily, without any guilt.

"I bought it. It's not far away." Xiaoye's voice reappeared in my ears after the sound of running. Then, the can of Coke, which felt cool in my hand, was handed to me. "You shouldn't dislike this, right?"

"...I like this." There are also many cans of carbonated drinks in the refrigerator at home. Because I drink them frequently, I don't worry about my stomach being unable to handle them. "Thank you."

After a quick thank you, I opened the can and poured the liquid, which was about as cool as the outside temperature, into my mouth. Some sensitive areas of my gums were irritated and painful, but I actually enjoyed it. It was like licking a loose tooth... It was a habit I had no idea how it worked, but I had no desire to change.

"..It's very cold, so it's better to drink it slowly." She seemed a little worried about my health.

"It's okay, I'm used to it." It's been a long time, and nothing has happened. "How much is it? I'll transfer it to you directly."

"No, no, you've already treated me to a magic show, so don't take it to heart if I treat you to a bottle of drink in return." She waved her hand and refused.

"..Speaking of which, I just thought of something."

"What?" She responded to me naturally.

"If I just recreate a story I've read before, does that count as my own work?"

"...Since it's a re-creation, it can be considered my own work. After all, the plot and everything are my own ideas."

"But I always feel like I've only been an imitator to this point. I can't really be called an author." At least not compared to people like Li Qinya. Her work hardly bears any trace of mainstream works.

"If you think that way, then many genres have already been published... If you doubt yourself based on this alone, then there won't be that many novels in the industry. Publishers will just keep printing the works that have come before. At the very least, the creative field will become stagnant."

"...I feel there's nothing wrong with being a stagnant pool." It's just that there are fewer means of entertainment, but life still goes on.

"But one must always look forward."

"...Look ahead." I used to advise others this way. So I know it's just a way to avoid the difficulties in front of me. Focusing on the distance will make you ignore what's right in front of you... Focusing too much on the present will make you stop. No matter what you choose, the answer will be unsatisfactory.

. . . . . . .

"Well, I have to go back to class." She said goodbye to me with a look of regret. "The school in Sheji is really great, and there are cultural exhibitions..."

"It's just because you see the side you like. There's actually no good or bad difference." This school also has some unreasonable aspects.

"Well, that's true." She smiled at me, gave me a slightly worried look, and got into a taxi. I stood at the door and watched her leave.

"Is that your girlfriend? She's so beautiful and looks very special."

"...When did you see the two of us?" I didn't feel that surprised when Yao Qiong appeared beside me out of nowhere.

"I was feeding Blackie lunch just now, and I saw you two talking and laughing... Oh, no, it should be that you had no expression, and she was trying hard to find a topic to talk about, hoping to get a reaction. I felt a little concerned, so I followed you." She showed me Blackie, who was in her arms. "Blackie said he was curious, so he followed along to see it too."

"...Is that so?" But I could see from its expression that it looked reluctant. "By the way, is it really okay to expose it on campus?"

"It's okay. It's active now, so no one will notice it." She seemed completely unconcerned. "Besides, it's very good at escaping, so there's no need to worry about it getting caught."

"I believe that." Every time it disappeared into the grass, I even suspected that there was a portal or something in the grass.

"So, who was that woman just now?"

"Don't say such misleading words..." I responded, holding my forehead in pain.

"I thought you wouldn't react at all... You had a stern face when you were talking to that woman just now." She glanced at the black dog in her hand. "Black dog said you must have had an argument with her."

"How can a cat understand what's going on between humans? Besides, Xiao Hei will feel uncomfortable being held like this, so put it down." I looked at Xiao Hei, whose front legs were lifted up and his body was hanging in the air, and I suddenly felt sympathy.

"Really? I don't know. I moved the little black dog around like this when he was little..." She said this, but she still put the little black dog on the ground. As soon as it touched the ground, it turned around and ran away towards the bushes.

"...You can only catch it if you feed it." She sighed as she watched Blackie's retreating figure. Perhaps she was thinking that the canned food she used hadn't fostered a strong bond with him.

"This may be the self-awareness of stray cats." Stray cats almost all lack a sense of security, so it should be a good thing for them to stay away from humans as much as possible.

"Let's not talk about this. The question just now..."

"Okay, okay, I get it." This guy is really stubborn. "She's my classmate from another school, not my girlfriend. What's the problem?"

"Are you also someone whose problem you solved, like me?"

"No..why do you ask?"

"Because I feel like she's very special. If she's had that hair color since she was a child, her life must have been very hard. Just like me, although I can't remember clearly, I feel like I had a very hard life as a child. And since she's with you, it means you might have helped her."

"..Well, I guess so. We do have some connection." This guy's imagination is really...

"So why did you fight?" "We didn't fight."

Seeing her puzzled expression, I sighed and told her what happened to me in detail.

. . . .

"So you're a writer." "Author."

I cannot emphasize this point more strongly.

She didn't seem particularly surprised by my identity. Perhaps in her mind, being a writer was just like being a chef or a driver. And having a writer with a hidden identity in school wasn't unusual.

"Author and writer are similar, right?" She showed a puzzled expression, "But since you say so, I'll call you author."

"That's what it should be called."

"Well, you're the author of a book, and a bestseller at that. Isn't that something to be happy about?"

"But I was never happy about it, and that's the most important part of the matter."

"So, what you're saying is... you're pessimistic about the fact that the heights you've been promoted to aren't based on your own abilities?" She raised her eyebrows, looking comical.

"...Yeah." It was a bit awkward, so I thought about it for a moment before finally coming to my senses. "Anyway, I still want to become famous through my own strength."

"Isn't that your own strength? Weren't those things written by you?" The puzzled expression on her face intensified.

"Although I wrote it, the inspiration came entirely from other works."

"That's not surprising, is it? Inspiration is hard to explain. Even imitating someone else's creative methods is fine. Isn't there a saying that goes, 'The disciple surpasses the master,'" he said. "You've reached a level that the original work didn't reach, and I think that reflects your own strength."

"..She told me the same thing, which is why I'm so sullen and struggling with whether I should care or not."

"Since you care so much, I have a way for you to verify it." She offered me an idea. "No one knows your true identity online anyway, so all you need to do is create another account and write another story. As long as that book achieves success without any influence, it means you are well-suited to writing, and achieving such a high level is only natural."

"...That's a good idea." But I had no interest in implementing it. "I'll try it when I have time."

"Since you said that, it means you don't really care about this matter." Her conclusion surprised me as always.

"why would you say so?"

"If you realize you're doubting something, you won't procrastinate once you have a way to verify it. If you don't want to care, you definitely won't care whether your success is related to others."

“..Well, actually I don’t care about this at all…” But where did that feeling come from at that time?

"Oh, by the way, I recently remembered something." Yao Qiong spoke casually, as if she were describing someone else's story. "Actually, I think I lived in an institution for a while."

"..." If I'm not mistaken, it should be an orphanage. After all, her father and mother both died in accidents, and she was lucky to be sent to an orphanage without anyone to take care of her.

Seeing that I didn't say anything, she continued.

"...Actually, I can recall that my father cared about me a lot. But ever since my mother couldn't come home for some unknown reason, her personality has become paranoid. Her concern for me has intensified to a terrifying degree, and she absolutely wouldn't tolerate anything that would harm me. So naturally, I wasn't allowed to go out... My memories are always of darkness, probably because the windows were nailed shut, preventing any sunlight from coming in."

"..Won't my body be in trouble if I keep doing this?" If the human body is not exposed to ultraviolet rays...

"I don't know. Anyway, I never went to school after that. Sometimes I would get scared because I was afraid of what would appear in the dark room, so I wanted to make a gap in the wooden board, just enough for some light to come in. But my father thought I was trying to escape and that I was naughty and disobedient, so he tied my hands and feet."

"..." Why didn't her expression waver at all? Did she feel indifferent already?

"They said they tied me up, but they actually used something like handcuffs... There was still room for movement, like getting something to eat. There was nothing to help me pass the time in the darkness, so I just lay in bed and slept. Gradually, I lost the concept of day and night."

"..."

"Luckily, I have Hei to keep me company. He's the cat my mother gave me. After getting the certificate for my final exam, my wish was to pick a cat of my choice... I prefer white or yellow cats, but when I got home, a black kitten was already there. I still like him, though, because he's so smart and seems to be able to sense my mood. Whenever I feel lonely, he'll lie down at the head of my bed and sleep with me."

".."

"But one day, it seemed to be too afraid of my father. When it struggled to hide from my hand, it accidentally grabbed my hand. Then my father was very angry and tried to catch it everywhere. He even overturned the sofa, cabinet and bed, and finally caught Xiao Hei..." When she said this, she suddenly stopped.

"What's wrong?"

"...I don't know how to describe it to you. I didn't see the scene, but the only thing I know for sure is that Xiao Hei can no longer play with me, just like my mother who has disappeared without a trace."

".."

"Later, my father left again and never came back. I ate all the food he left for me, but he still didn't come back. Since I had time, I unlocked the lock on my foot and walked out of my room. The door was locked, and so were the windows. I was just so hungry... My stomach felt like it was on fire. It felt like only stuffing something in it could calm it down... I still can't forget that feeling." She even tried to use something to compare it. "Have you ever tried playing with fire? It's like your stomach is on fire, but the flame lacks fuel, as if it's in danger of going out at any moment... Only by adding fuel can it be sustained. So I looked everywhere for something to eat... Then I found toilet paper. My mother told me that in the past, during famine, people would chew tree bark to survive. Paper is made of trees, so I thought this should be edible, and I actually ate it... But it really didn't taste very good."

“..” I had no idea how to respond to her.

"Later, I found ingredients and seasonings in the kitchen. Even though I couldn't cook, having something to eat kept me from starving to death. Although I was scared at the time, because I spent most of my time at home, I felt calmer. I kept waiting and waiting, even dreaming that my father would come back with lots of food and apologize for forgetting the way home."

"..Then what?"

"Then... when I was about to give up, I finally heard the sound of a door opening. But it wasn't my father opening the door. And it sounded like it wasn't just one person, but many people... many people were knocking on the door. I hadn't spoken in many days, and suddenly I felt like I couldn't speak anymore. I had to crawl to the door and bang on it hard to let them know I was in the house and ask them to come and save me."

"..Have you never tried to call for help before?"

"If calling for help would have helped, I wouldn't have been locked up in the first place. Besides, I was locked in my room... I thought there was no one around, so shouting would be useless. I subconsciously gave up on anyone coming to rescue me."

"Well, it's okay, just keep talking."

"There wasn't much to go on after that... The group of people who arrived seemed to know I was there, so they opened the door and got me out. I don't remember the whole thing, though... I was very weak at the time, and then there was the knock on the door, and my spirits suddenly perked up. It wasn't long before I lost consciousness, and I couldn't see the light for a long time. I remember it took a long time to rest before I regained my composure."

"..Is this the reason why you are so stubborn in pursuing normalcy?" Only after hearing this did I understand the reason for her previous behavior.

“..That should be the case.”

Judging from her expression, she didn't seem to be bothered by this.

"Have you ever hated your father?" For some reason, I really wanted to know how she would answer this question.

"..I don't know what hate is."

If she says she doesn't know, then she definitely doesn't know. I have no doubt about that.

"Really? Then let me ask you another question... Do you still want to see your father again?"

"He's dead, so I can't see him." She paused. "If you mean visiting his grave or something like that... well, it's a bit strange and inhumane to say that. But I think it's meaningless."

"..Yeah.."

If I have the chance, I will convey this to him.

As long as you are happy

I don't actually think I can just let go of things once they're over. After all, the people who caused them to happen are still around, and even though the chances of meeting again are slim, that means I can't completely forget the past.

"The person who left me with painful memories is no longer with me, so for me, the memories of the past are a burden."

This is how Yao Qiong viewed the past. When I asked her why she shared it with me, she replied, "Because you seemed to care deeply about it. And we had an agreement: if you told me about your past, I should respond in kind."

She still has a serious personality in some aspects. Although it is impossible to predict whether her future life will be smooth sailing, I think she is moving towards a normal direction.

"It's break time." Her pocket suddenly chimed. Seeing my puzzled expression, she pulled out her phone and explained, "I've learned to use this timer to remind myself what to do."

“..Really?” It was quite a big improvement for her.

"It's my turn to do chores, so let's talk next time," she said, putting her phone in her pocket. "Although there's nothing left for us to talk about, it's normal to say it as a goodbye."

There's no need to explain this to me explicitly.

"Okay, okay, I get it... If I'm no longer of any value to you, it's okay to forget me." I sighed helplessly and waved goodbye to her.

"You're an interesting and strange person, so it's hard to forget about you."

It's not your turn to say such things.

"Then remember me... Don't force yourself." "Got it, bye." "Yeah, bye."

In the end, we said goodbye normally.

"I saw it all. You two seem to have a pretty good relationship." "When did you start observing?"

I felt like I'd seen this scene before. Without even turning around, I knew the person I was talking to was Rin Hanekawa. I could tell by her familiar voice and the scent of the perfume she always wore.

"When you two came in from the school gate. I was inspecting and checking the items at each stall. I saw you with another girl and immediately got aroused. I stood aside and waited for you to finish talking before coming to you."

"..Did you also hear the conversation you had with her just now?" My business doesn't matter, but I just don't want Yao Qiong's past to be known to many people.

"I'm not interested in that sort of thing, so there's no way I could have eavesdropped on your conversation," she replied casually, seemingly unconcerned. While I didn't entirely trust her words, I had no way of verifying them, so I gave up.

"So what's up with you?"

"What is your relationship with that woman?"

"You really haven't been listening to us since the beginning?"