I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

In my memory, his eyes seemed to shine as brightly as the sun.

"Well, it's a collection of stars... as if gathered by something, forming a long, bright river."

Like a river, like a river the stars flow.

Just by imagining it, one can sense its charm that cannot be expressed in words.

"Where can I see it?"

I raised my head anxiously, but saw nothing.

The sky was still empty, and only the moon, reflecting the sun's light, could vaguely see through the veil covering the sky.

"You'll have to wait until summer... and you'll have to go somewhere with less air pollution to see it."

As he said this, he slowly stood up from the grass where he was sitting.

"..."

"If there's a chance, I can take you somewhere else to see it."

Since then, I have been looking forward to that day.

However, time flies, and until now, he still has not appeared in front of me.

Since then, I have never looked up at the sky at nightfall. If I could forget that experience, perhaps I would have the courage to look up and search for those twinkling lights again.

I almost forgot about him.

"Sheji..." I called his name, and my originally vague memories gradually became clear.

"Ok?"

He didn't recognize me at all and just stared at me with a puzzled look on his face. "Why did you forget me?" I wanted to ask, but I didn't have the courage.

"It's getting dark."

"Oh, really." He seemed to be still in a daze, and when I reminded him, he only responded calmly. Compared to before, his enthusiasm was completely gone.

At the turn of autumn and winter, the cold wind and dark nights always arrive quickly. I used to dislike this season, but after meeting him again, my attitude gradually changed.

"...I can't see any stars."

"Because there are several factories nearby, if the air quality is affected, it's really hard to see." He also looked up at the sky. "And then there's the neon lights and various car lights blocking it out. Even if it's starlight that has drifted in space for billions of years... it's meaningless if it can't be seen."

"..."

Does he no longer yearn for the stars in the sky as much as he did in the past?

"Speaking of which, Yehui, don't you think humans determine the value of so many things?" He didn't move his gaze from the sky for a long time. "Even if it's been drifting for so long... those stars don't exist to be seen. Not many people care anyway, so whether they can be seen or not is completely irrelevant..."

"Of course it does."

I totally cannot accept this.

"Eh?"

"Those are the ones who care... People who love the night sky twinkling with stars... Such people do exist! So if you can't see it, you'll definitely feel sad, and you'll also feel sad for those stars that have no feelings at all."

"..."

Ah, what am I talking about? He has completely forgotten me, so it would seem strange to say these things to him all of a sudden.

"..I'm sorry, it seems like you really like the starry sky or something... I'm not very good at talking, so... I'm really sorry."

I didn't want an apology from him.

I was just wondering why he still hadn't remembered anything about me. Was his promise back then just a joke, spouted carelessly by his youth?

I can not accept.

"...You should like it too." I said in a low voice.

"What? Yehui, did you just say something?"

"..I mean, see you tomorrow."

For some reason, I didn't want to explain my past experience with him right now. If he truly chose to forget, I didn't seem to have any reason to force him to keep his promise.

Besides, it was just an agreement between kids. Why should I take it so seriously?

"See you tomorrow."

His head was slightly lowered. He must have been trying to figure out why I was suddenly agitated... but he probably couldn't remember it right now.

"Well...see you tomorrow." Maybe I should forget the past for a while and approach him as if we were meeting for the first time.

"By the way, about what happened just now." He suddenly seemed to think of something, "If I can't sleep tonight... I'll try to think about it."

"...?"

Perhaps seeing that I was confused, he stretched out his right hand and scratched his cheek.

"I used to love staring at the night sky... I had a lot of fantasies about those twinkling stars. But over the years I've gradually forgotten what I felt back then... I feel like it makes no difference whether I care or not."

"..."

"But what you said today, Yehui-san, made me feel... like I can kind of remember that feeling from before." He raised his head again, gazing at the night sky overhead, ablaze with lights. "Actually, deep down, I might still be fond of those celestial bodies that shine day and night."

"..."

So... he is still...

"Anyway, thank you."

. . . . .

The weather was quite warm today. Leaning against a stool in the corner between me and the window, I pondered insignificant matters before my gaze shifted to the rustling drawing board.

“Was it hard to pick up a paintbrush?”

I didn't know much about this, so I asked Yehui about painting.

"Sheji, have you ever scribbled on a book?" She asked this instead of answering directly.

"...a little bit."

To be fair, I still have a certain love for books, so graffiti only happened before the first year of junior high school. Now I basically don't draw anything on books.

"If that's the case, then picking up a paintbrush isn't difficult. All you need is the desire to paint something."

"I see..." That means drawing isn't difficult after all. "Do you think I can learn it?"

"...Hmm? Sheji, you are interested in painting?" She didn't seem very surprised.

"Seeing you so devoted every day always makes me curious. If curiosity can be called interest, then I should be interested in this."

"..."

He fell silent. No wonder, after all, saying he wanted to try something out of the blue... It felt like something he did on a whim, not something he could trust.

"I don't have anything I'm interested in anyway. If I have to find something I want to do forever, maybe picking up a paintbrush would be a good idea."

Having said that, maybe I'm just looking for a way to relieve the loneliness I feel inside.

"Sure, if you want to learn, I can recommend you a training institution I've been to."

"...Oh. That's really helpful."

My parents don't interfere too much with my decisions. While this gives me a relatively free rein, I do occasionally wish they had a little more control...especially during those two years when I was struggling. If they could explain their expectations of me, then perhaps I'd have a reason to work towards that goal.

Even if that direction isn't where I really want to go.

"It's okay... I just want to say this first."

"What?"

Seeing her expression suddenly become serious, I couldn't help but feel a little worried.

"Painting is also a lonely process. Even if I try my best to depict something, there will always be a gap between what I see and what I want to see. I will also meet many talented people, many people who work day and night... These are all reasons to give up."

"..."

In fact, this is true for all industries in the world. No matter how hard you try to give up, you still have to face it.

"But I still have confidence in you."

"Why do you say that suddenly?"

"Because you look like someone who can endure loneliness."

...

Lonely? Lonely.

"Sh ...

The sound of rapid pen strokes lingered in my ears.

The pen tip, which was cut by a knife blade, gradually became rounded with each line drawn, and the originally blank white paper was gradually filled with lines of similar length.

Is it because of the constant repetition that I feel lonely?

"Swish-swish-swish-swish—"

"Your lines are too solid. Relax your grip a little."

"Oh..."

Or is it because I haven't figured it out for so long that I feel bored? No matter how much I think about this kind of thing, it seems that it can't change the reality at all.

With absolutely no basic skills, I was left alone in a corner, arranging the lines. Forming muscle memory might take far more time and effort than memorizing with the brain.

"...Did she also move forward step by step like this?"

After a brief thought, his hands still didn't stop drawing the lines.

I still have a long way to go before I can draw people and objects. How can such simple lines be combined to form a human face? Do I really have the talent for it?

Even though I was already sitting in a painting training institution, I was still filled with anxiety because I had never known myself before.

"Oh, you're quite perceptive."

After checking my lines several times at irregular intervals, the male teacher, who looked relatively friendly, picked up my drawing board and walked to another corner. When he saw that I didn't follow him, he waved to me.

"Come here and draw. It's time to teach you something new."

"...Oh."

I followed him without understanding anything.

"Now I'll teach you how to draw geometric shapes."

"Oh..."

Anyway, my knowledge about this area is completely blank.

"Listen carefully, this is important for the objects that follow..."

...

"...and the lining-up phase was completed in just one day?"

When I mentioned this to Ye Hui, she immediately showed an incredible expression.

"Ah, yeah." Actually, it was only half a day, but seeing how devastated she was, I decided not to correct her. "Is this some big deal?"

"...I still practice line drawing every day. And I spent at least a week practicing horizontal, vertical, and diagonal lines... Is it really that quick of a talent, Sheji?" She reluctantly snatched the drawing board from my hand, examining it carefully. "...Have you progressed to geometric shapes?"

"Well, I don't quite understand it though."

To be honest, my spatial imagination is still quite poor, so I don't have a good grasp of things like shadows.

"Your lines are indeed much better than most beginners. Although I hate to admit it, Sheji, you do have a natural talent for this." She admitted this fact with a sigh, "It seems I was too naive to doubt you back then."

"I don't think I'm that amazing. Just drawing a few lines doesn't mean I have a talent for modeling, right? Maybe my talent is only revealed in line drawing."

"..." She was stunned for two seconds after hearing what I said, and then she couldn't help laughing, "Ahahaha, what's that?"

"Ok?"

"You only have a talent for line-up... While it's good to be humble, don't underestimate yourself like that." She softened her tone, which seemed oddly funny to me. "Sheji, you definitely have talent. There's no doubt about that."

"what."

But I still don’t feel that at all.

"I'm looking forward to what the pinnacle you reach will be like."