I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

Today was the final exam. My high school career was truly over... All that remained was to wait for the scores to come out, find a university I could get into, spend four years in a relatively relaxed environment, and then continue my confusion.

Oh, by the way, I think I had a three-month vacation before college. I've never really used my vacation time well, and now if I really have to decide for myself, I can't find anything I want to do.

It was as if the chains that bound me had suddenly been removed. Although my body and mind felt quite relaxed, I didn't know where to go now that I was freed from my constraints...

Where to go?

Still unsure of myself, I was ultimately propelled forward by the constant stream of people entering the exam center. I was simply doing the same things as everyone else, nothing more. Was that all there was to it? Besides asking me to do the same things as everyone else, when I was feeling lost about my future, were they simply throwing the questions back at me? How should I act? What should I do? What kind of person should I become?

...No one could respond to me, and they just pushed the issue back by saying "You can handle it yourself" and "You decide your own affairs" and then left it alone.

"...hateful..."

Who is responsible for all this?

However, no matter what kind of emotions are filling my heart now, the facts can no longer be reversed.

In the steaming room, the sweat from my forehead ran down my cheeks. Before it dripped onto the test paper, I put down the pen in my hand and wiped the sweat off my face... Then, I buried my face in the space between my hands and breathed deeply.

The sound of the pen tip rubbing against the test paper, the chirping of cicadas not far from the window, and the fluctuations of hot air...thanks to this silence, everything can be felt.

A certain melody kept echoing in my mind.

Where does it come from...

(i know,i know i've let you down

I know, I know I failed you.)

Looking at the test paper, which I had already filled in most, and the words that looked quite difficult, I felt no emotion. After a few minutes of hesitation, I finally remembered the origin of the song, and a wry smile appeared on my lips at the right moment.

Keep answering the questions... Even if you don't understand, it doesn't matter. There's still plenty of time, so there will always be a clue. In tune with the rhythm of your mind, in this crucial moment in life, worry as much as you want. Those who worry are always better than those who don't think at all.

While worrying and enduring the stuffiness, the reminder to roll up finally came to my ears.

It was as if something was untied, and the heavy air around me became light.

"...Thank you for your hard work, candidates."

After the equally hardworking invigilator said this, we all left the exam room one after another. The next thing to do was simple: wait for the scores and then find a school that agreed with the scores.

For the college entrance examination, this time it is really over.

However, this exam is not the end for me, but the beginning of a long life.

.......

You choose a school based on your grades, and after graduation, you find a job based on your abilities. If you think about it, perhaps life is a constant process of proving yourself to others... but others aren't willing to listen to your story.

No matter what, even the most time-consuming process of learning, some people can't wait patiently. Is the Earth's rotation speeding up? Why does it always feel like everything around me is changing so rapidly? From the day I entered school with my backpack to now, walking home lightly after an exam... it's taken me twelve years.

"...I don't want to go home so soon."

If I go home now, no one will welcome me. I don't really want anyone to celebrate for me, but... well, I still hope people I know can say "thank you for your hard work" or something like that.

Unfortunately, there was no one close to me. The only person I could call close to me left without saying goodbye and left me the key to my place without saying goodbye.

"That's all I can ask of you. Our bet should still stand, right?"

After receiving the envelope containing only these words and the key to her house, I couldn't contact her no matter what I did. It was as if her existence was all an illusion.

"Come to think of it, it seems like I haven't cleaned her house in ages." I realized this only after my hand touched the keys in my pocket. I completely forgot about this matter during my college entrance exam review. Now it must have fallen from the sky and hit me.

I felt a little guilty, and since I had nothing to do, I decided to go to that girl's house and take a look... If there was too much dust, I could help her clean it up.

"...That guy."

To me, although she was a rather troublesome person, often coming up with ideas that surprised me...sometimes she would be overbearing and ask me to obey her demands, and find all kinds of things for me to do...but after she left, I suddenly realized how boring the time I spent alone was.

If she wasn't there, I wouldn't go out during the scorching sun. Let alone go hiking, swimming, or shopping... But when I'm with her, even if my legs are swollen and painful the next day, I'm still happy.

This kind of happiness is different from the happiness you get from watching comedies or funny clips...it's a kind of happiness that comes from the heart. It's like finding the pure joy of childhood.

...Maybe, I should have found a way to keep her by my side.

"But there's nothing we can do now..." She couldn't help but sigh when she thought of this. After all, she had already returned to her own country.

Anyway, I made it to where she lived here and unlocked the door with the key she left me.

Then, standing at the door, I heard the sound of the controller being used, as well as the sound effects of the game.

"...Eh?"

I initially thought I was hallucinating, but when I looked inside, I saw the LCD screen on the wall displaying the game screen. This meant I wasn't hallucinating... There was only one possible explanation for this situation.

"Oh...Is the college entrance examination over?"

A familiar voice. It was so familiar that it made me feel uncomfortable. For a moment, I even wondered if I was hallucinating.

"Thank you for your hard work~"

When she appeared before me with a smile on her face, I suddenly realized...she was truly back. After about two years, I finally got to see her cheerful face again.

"Why... come back at this time? And without even telling me..." Suddenly, I felt a little dizzy. Perhaps it was the suddenness of this incident that was overwhelming me, or perhaps the scorching sun had damaged my brain cells. But, most of all, I complained, "You were like this when you left. At least you should have said hello to me."

However, after hearing my complaint, she blinked her eyes of different colors.

"What if telling you the results affects your performance? And I didn't expect you to come here directly after the exam..." She scratched her blonde hair with a troubled look, "I was thinking of telling you tonight or tomorrow."

"...Well, never mind..." I took a deep breath and calmed myself down a bit. "Um, can I go into the house first?"

"Oh, come in~~" she said, moving sideways to make way for me. After I entered the room, she closed the door behind her.

"...Have you finished your own business?" He still had some doubts in his mind.

"Hmm? Ah... If you mean academically, then don't worry. My grades are probably good enough to get into a good university. And that's the main reason I came back. What about you, Sheji? Do you have any plans for the future?"

"...No." No matter how much I thought about it, I couldn't find anything I was good at.

"Eh...what a surprise. So you don't have any university you want to go to?" she asked.

"It's better not to expect anything before the scores come out." I stared blankly at the game on the screen. "Just choose a good school within the score line."

"Is that so..." She seemed to want to say something, but stopped herself. "Well, after all, Sheji, you gave me the impression from the beginning that you don't have any special hobbies, and your goals aren't very strong. You rarely think about your own affairs."

"...Yes." It was exactly as she said. I was someone who couldn't find the meaning of existence from the very beginning.

"You're so frank about admitting it... Well, now that the exams are over, let's put this matter aside for now." She said, handing me the game controller in her hand, "Want to play games together?"

"..."

"Oh, you look sweaty. You need a drink more than playing games, right? I bought some Coke and put it in the refrigerator when I came back. I'll get it for you now." She said and stood up.

Even though she's been away for two years, her height doesn't seem to have changed much... She's about 1.6 meters tall and looks as young as an elementary school student. I guess no one would believe that she's about to go to college... Although her personality was quite electric before, she's much more mature now.

In the blink of an eye, I've been surpassed by her... Ah, this statement is as if I was once better than her.

Although she had some issues before, she was not lost in her heart, which was more than a hundred times better than me. And because I had been standing still, it was only natural that I was left far behind.

"What are your plans for summer vacation?" As she continued to ask, she tossed me a can of cold cola. I caught it, but I felt like it wouldn't be easy to open after such a violent shake.

"...I don't have any plans." After carefully pulling open the ring, he finally breathed a sigh of relief. "What about you? You're not just coming back for a few days and then moving everything out, are you?"

"If I really have to move, it would be easier to sell everything... But I don't plan to leave so soon."

"I won't have time to look for houses for you later." Although he hadn't considered going to any university, the local universities were still a long way away.

"I won't ask you to help me, because my father will be coming back with my mother to live with us for a while."

"...Eh...So your solitary life is over."

"I'm going to be an adult soon anyway, and I'll be working in a few years...it doesn't matter whether I live alone or not. Even if I can't be independent by then, I'll try to be."

"..."

As expected of her, her tone is so relaxed. Anyway, I can't face what happens next with such a relaxed attitude... With a guy like me, I don't have the capital to say to her, "I like you very much and want to be with you."

"What's wrong with you? You look worried." She seemed to notice my low mood and came closer to take a look. "Could it be that you just realized you made a mistake on a problem?"

"I won't get upset over something like this." I said, taking a quick gulp of my drink. "Anyway, I originally came here to help you clean up the house, but now it seems like you don't need my help... So I'll be leaving now."

"Why are you in such a hurry?" She quickly stopped me and said, "We haven't seen each other for such a long time. Come have dinner with me tonight. Of course, I'll treat you."

"..." For a moment I wanted to agree, but... "Well, forget it. You have other things to do, right?"

"What's wrong? Are you too tired from overusing your brain or..."

"I guess so. I think I should go home now."

Then, it’s best not to see anyone again.

"I told you to wait." She reached out and grabbed my right hand as I was about to put it on the door handle. "I always feel like you are avoiding me. What did I do to make you unhappy?"

"...No..."

"Ah, I see. Is it because I left without saying a word? But you seemed to have said that you didn't like farewells, so I deliberately didn't tell you." She suddenly understood something when she said this. "Could it be that you were just pretending to be cold and indifferent, but you actually care about this kind of thing?"

"...Of course not." She'd already said no, so why was she still asking for the reason? How could there be an answer for something without a reason?

"You really do care, don't you?"

It was then that I noticed that her hand was tightly clasped around the back of mine.

"..."

My ability to think seemed to be disturbed, and my eyes were simply staring at her slightly melancholy face.

"I'm sorry..." She clenched her hands tighter. "Actually, I've always wanted to tell you that I was leaving. I also thought that if I didn't tell you, your mental state would become depressed... But I never thought you would become like this."

"..."

is that so...

Before this, I'd been searching for someone who was always interested in new things and full of energy... someone who seemed tireless. Even though they might be a little difficult to get along with, being with someone like that was never boring.

"I...don't want to be bored anymore."

After she left, I suddenly realized that my life had been too dull. And the meaning of life, to me, is simply the process from birth to death... I don't want to be mediocre anymore, I don't want to waste my life anymore. If someone could stay by my side, I would have the confidence to live a wonderful life.

"boring?"

"Before I met you, I didn't seem to feel that way... I just felt like I was doing what everyone else was doing."

That's right. It's all about coping with the endless monthly exams, midterms, finals, and entrance exams. As long as I keep improving my grades, I can put everything aside and not worry about anything.

"However, it was you who showed me through your actions that there are actually many interesting things around me... After being exposed to those things, I realized how dull and boring the things I had experienced before were."

"..."

"After you left, I was left alone. Even if I tried to do those things, I couldn't find the same joy... and I didn't want to accept that dull and boring life anymore."

Oh, no... I feel a little uncomfortable. No, actually, I have been enduring this awkward feeling all along.

"I'm sorry... I didn't expect you to think so highly of me."

"...But it doesn't matter anymore. I think I can get used to it slowly." I said, preparing to take her hand away. "It's okay for me to live my life alone from now on."

"I reject."

"..?"

"Don't be so stubborn! You're so much taller than me, but you still think like a child... Oh, okay, I get it! Then I'll grant you your wish. Let's start dating from today."

“..Huh?”

"Eh, what? I think you're funny too... There are so few people who can play around with me. Although you sometimes object to what I do, you still help me in the end. All in all, it's really fun to be with you... Besides."

"Besides?"

"..Do you think I'd be so happy to be separated from you?"

...

Yes.

I thought I was just bored... but that's what happened.

"I'm sorry... I thought you... well, I don't think I'm worthy of someone like you."

"There's no such thing as being compatible or incompatible. As long as you want to be with me, there's always a way to bridge the gap." She waved her hand at me, motioning for me to lower my head. "As compensation, let me tell you a secret about myself."

"...Um?"

Driven by curiosity, I slowly lowered my head. Her face was getting closer and closer to me... and just then, she suddenly moved closer.

"Bo--"

My lips felt soft and warm. I was completely unprepared for this... If I had noticed, I'd probably have etched that moment in my mind.