Longmen Memoirs

She looked at Chen Mo with a strange look.

They sat in front of a rising bonfire. Tallulah just snapped her fingers, and the bonfire was gently lit. Snowflakes fell from the outside, and in an instant they were melted into the swaying flames.

Tallulah sat next to Chen Mo, very close. Chen Mo could clearly see every hair next to her ears when he turned his head.

"How did you come up with those ideas at that time?"

"It's taught in books."

"Which book?"

"The book in my heart." Chen Mo said, and Tallulah's eyes moved.

"I guess your idea didn't go so well?"

"How to say?"

"There will always be people like me who feel that your idea is too far away for them. Just like our current camp, Tallulah, you can't expect everyone to stand firm for a distant ideal, even if they That's right, but people are always used to seeing what's in front of them, what they can hold in their hands, and the stability in front of them. That's what they can get in touch with." Chen Mo said: "You can say these people are short-sighted. , it can even be said that they are greedy for life and afraid of death, but you can't force them, force them to work hard for something they don't want to believe, even at the cost of their lives, because they also have lives. If you do this, you will deviate from your original purpose. Imagine that you have denied yourself.”

Tallulah was stunned.

She sighed softly, looked at Chen Mo, and then cast her gaze on the swaying bonfire in front of her. The warm firelight reflected Tallulah's slightly tired profile.

"You are right. Along the way, many people did leave the team for various reasons."

"Are you tired, Xiaota? Do you think the reality of this world is unacceptable and you feel disappointed in them?"

"No, I believe they have their reasons for leaving. Besides, it's better this way. At least those who stay are determined."

"Their determination will eventually fade away day after day without results." Chen Mo said: "If people cannot see the possibility of their hopes being realized, if the environment around them does not change due to what they have done, If you change for the sake of others, no matter who you are, you will be confused and think whether what you have done is worth it."

"..."

Tallulah fell silent, and after a few seconds, she turned to look into Chen Mo's eyes.

There was some complaint in those red eyes.

"Do you have to hit me this way?"

"It would be best if I could get you to give up and leave with me as soon as possible." Chen Mo did not avoid it.

"I don't give up that easily."

"Then I'll have to keep hitting you."

"..."

Chen Mo's heart was not as relaxed as his words.

The girl in Chen Mo's heart, the Xiaota whom he hoped would live a life of worry-free life.

If the possibility of taking her back has been cut off, can Chen Mo push her to another path? The other path will not fail, but is destined to make Xiaota farther and farther away from him.

A path that would disappoint Tallulah today but not disillusion her ideals, a path that might make her doubt herself.

On that road, she is destined to experience more, to experience losses, to experience gains, to bear sins, to become ruthless and decisive, and to hide her ideals in her ambitions. Only in this way can she bear the weight of this ideal. .

Chen Mo lived too clearly, but maybe it was precisely because he lived too clearly that he didn't know how to make a choice.

It is to watch her continue to walk like this with this innocent and heavy ideal.

Or, tell her how to realize this ideal and break the beautiful visions in her heart.

Fruitless hope is poisonous, just like the match in the little girl's hand. Everything in the fire is her fantasy. After the match burns out, she freezes to death on the roadside where no one cares.

Chapter 9 Night Talk in the Snowfield ([-]): Suffer less

[The person you like will always grow up and leave you, and one day you will never come back]

-----

"That's all I have to say. Tell me about yourself, Chen Mo. Don't always let me talk alone."

Tallulah did not pursue the question any further. She stopped the topic at the right time. Maybe she was actually unwilling to talk about her past with others.

Because in the end those things are nothing to remember.

She gently put her legs together and sat in front of the firelight. The night wind occasionally blew her silver hair, making it difficult to tell what she was thinking about at this time.

"I don't have much to do." Chen Mo said, "What do you want to hear?"

"Where did you go after leaving Longmen?"

"Colombia, where I stayed until I grew up, then joined Black Steel International as a mercenary, and then went to Kazdaele. By chance, I participated in the civil war between the Sakaz. During that time, I was On the battlefield, after the war ended, I left Kazdare and returned to Longmen, and later, I came to Ursus."

As Chen Mo said this, he turned to look at Tallulah beside him.

Tallulah was a little surprised, but it quickly disappeared.

"You were in the war?"

"I have also killed people." Chen Mo said: "It is different from the way you faced the Ursus pickets. On the battlefield, the soldiers killed people for no reason. Because they are enemies, they fight to the death. Maybe you don't want to hear it. These, but, Xiaota, I may be different from the me you remember."

Tallulah lowered her eyelids slightly.

"Should I not be asking you this?"

"But I have to tell you sooner or later. It would be better to tell you sooner. Maybe I have taken the wrong path and made mistakes." Chen Mo said, "I can't tell whether it is right or wrong. Xiaota, this piece of Nothing on earth can be measured by simple right or wrong.”

Tallulah suddenly fell silent.

After she became quiet, she and Chen Mo did not continue talking. Maybe Tallulah regretted bringing up this topic, or maybe it was just because Chen Mo's answer deviated too far from what she imagined.

"Is it surprising?" Chen Mo suddenly asked.

"I believe this is not your intention." Tallulah shook her head and said, "Maybe you are indeed different from the liar in my memory, but people will change. When we encounter some things and meet some people, we You can never keep your original ideas, we always have to make changes, and this is something that no one can deny, whether it is good or bad.”

"I thought you wouldn't say that."

"I thought I would not have these thoughts." Tallulah replied: "But I dare not not think so, and I am also afraid that I will make mistakes."

"yes."

"Actually, when I was in Kazdaele, I also met someone who had similar ideas to you." Chen Mo said: "The war changed a lot of things. The war left Kazdaele devastated, and the situation of the Sarkarz are no better than The infected are much better, their country is barren and frustrated, but even so, some people did not give up that land, she chose a gentler and weaker way, and she was criticized for it."

"They, Sakaz, are different from you. After all, their country is broken, and there is still the possibility of reconstruction. But Ursus, Xiaota, and the Ursus Empire are not yet sluggish enough to allow a group of infected people to rise. .”

"...I know." Tallulah was silent for a while and replied: "I know how slim my idea is, and I also know that when Ursus really decides to deal with us, we may not be able to resist, but Chen Mo , if you choose to give up on something knowing that it is hopeless, and if everyone thinks so, then it will never be realized."

"Perhaps when the day comes when we really face Ursus, they can easily tear us apart. They can laugh at our stupidity and despise our actions, but they cannot deny that we have attracted their attention and cannot deny the infection. The resistance of the infected people is not in vain." She said: "Even if only one person remembers that we once made our voice, even if only one person understands, the infected can resist, even if only one person agrees with our ideals, then we are not counted Meaningless."

"You said that to the others, too?"

"Yes, I have told all the infected people here." Tallulah replied: "If no one is willing to save us, then we will save ourselves. One day, this land will hear our voices. , hearing the roar of the infected, I don’t expect to see that day, but if that day really comes, no, it will definitely come, and I will be satisfied.”

"Are you reminding me?" Chen Mo suddenly asked.

Tallulah looked at him suspiciously.

"Ok?"

"Remind me that you are already prepared and determined to pursue your ideals unswervingly." Chen Mo said: [=

Chen Mo looked at the bonfire in front of him, and then at the camp in the wind and snow in the distance.

"One day, you will lose these people for your ideals, and one day you will even lose Alina and lose everything you are familiar with. Tallulah, are you also ready for this?" Chen Mo asked: "Even if you Yes, what about them? Will they really go on with you, towards the death that they know may come, towards a desperate situation with no end?"

"I……"

"Don't rush to answer." Chen Mo said: "I know you haven't thought about it yet. Think about it again. If I didn't come to you, you would have lost Alina. If that was the case, what would you think?"

Tallulah opened her mouth, but the words did not continue.

She didn't know how to answer these questions. She suddenly felt that each of Chen Mo's questions was too sharp and pierced her ambitious heart.

He ruthlessly tore away the luck in her heart, ruthlessly exposed her vision to this cold winter, extinguished the fire in her heart, leaving her helpless.

Of course Tallulah could answer, she could answer that none of this happened. Of course she could choose to escape, but she didn't. After all, she was not a timid person. She knew in her heart that one day, she would have to face these problems.

It's not that she hasn't thought about it, but she also thought that it would be a long time before that day comes, and it's not time to think about it yet. It's not that she has never imagined loss in her dreams, but in her dreams, she hasn't thought about herself yet. How to face loss.

If Alina is lost.

If she loses Frost Star, loses everything here, if she has nothing left, if one day when Ursus's cavalry steps forward, everything she cares about can only watch them shatter.

Watch them die, watch them cry, watch their bodies fall into pieces.

Tallulah couldn't answer.

Alina has also talked about this, but after all, Alina's words are not as direct as Chen Mo's. Alina may not know how to describe it, or to express the possibilities that she has never experienced and can only imagine.

But Chen Mo is different.

Perhaps at this time, Tallulah finally realized what it meant when he just said that he had experienced the war. It meant that this Chen Mo sitting next to her, this liar he had not seen for a long time and thought she was familiar with, might have experienced it with his own eyes. Been through this.

Tallulah didn't want to think so, but she had to think so.

She finally understood that maybe it was just one of the reasons why patriots were always reluctant to identify with themselves.

"You have experienced what you told me, haven't you?" Tallulah asked.

She looked at Chen Mo's face, but that face suddenly became a little strange to Tallulah. Maybe Chen Mo was still the same Chen Mo, but he was no longer the Chen Mo that Tallulah hoped and remembered when she grew up.

After all, it’s different.

After all, she knows nothing about Chen Mo now.

"I don't object to your idea, Xiaota, because someone has to make sacrifices for some things, and someone has to take the first step before people can see hope. And these people, we generally call them martyrs, or Heroes, without them, all the beautiful ideals and visions of people will not be possible to realize that day, without them, this land will always be what it was in the past."

Chen Mo said softly.

"But I also have selfish motives. I respect what those people do, and I agree with their ideas. But if the people who uphold this idea and make sacrifices for it are the ones I care about, they are the ones I don't want to lose. Those people, I don’t want to.” Chen Mo said: “Of course I don’t want to, I don’t want to lose them for this right thing.”

Chen Mo's words stopped.

Tallulah seemed to have understood what he meant.

But she didn't answer for a long time.

Her silence seemed to be an answer.

Chen Mo looked at her face, his hand was held by Tallulah, and he leaned side by side against Tallulah.

"You just asked me if I have experienced those things. In fact, my answer is not important. Xiaota, it doesn't matter whether I have experienced it or not. What is important is that one day you may have to experience it."

Chen Mo said.

"You have to experience the loss I mentioned. You have to experience the various actions, conspiracy, and slander that Ursus did to you after you and your ideals were exposed. You may also experience more, and experience the abuse of your companions. Death, even betrayal, and you know what I'm talking about."

"Then why do you stay?"

"Because if I am here, maybe when you are about to lose, I can help you recover. When you can't find anyone to talk to and complain to, you can mention it to me. When no one no longer trusts you, I will still be with you. Being by your side won’t make you feel lonely.”

Chen Mo said: "I think if I am here, I can make you suffer less. Even if the result does not change, at least there will be someone with you. This is the only thing I can do for you now, Tallulah. "

"You are so stupid." Tallulah suddenly smiled. She leaned gently against Chen Mo and put her clenched hands in front of her legs.

"Who said no."

Tallulah's smile, which was leaning on Chen Mo's shoulder, slowly subsided.

Silver hair fell in front of Chen Mo, and Drake's breath was steady and indifferent.

She said softly:

"It may not necessarily end well."

"I know."

"I miss Hui Jie. What is she doing now? She's a liar." Tallulah closed her eyes gently: "I think about the days when we were children in Longmen. Hui Jie would come to see us every week, but she still wouldn't. Why do I like you?"

Chen Mo opened his mouth, but he didn't tell her about Chen after all.

"You really can't go back, right? You're a liar."

"Each of us has our own destiny."

"But you shouldn't have come to me, because I would definitely be tempted to keep you here, but I don't know whether it's right or wrong to let you stay."

"If I didn't come to you, I would have regrets in my life."

"I can't tell whether what you said is true or false."