Longmen Memoirs

Chen Mo already knew where the path she chose would lead, so as one of the culprits who failed to prevent Tallulah from embarking on this path, he could not absolve himself of the blame.

There were many reasons that prompted Chen Mo to stay in the snowy field, including Chen Mo and his debt and longing for Tallulah, which also became one of them.

"No, that's not right." Alina suddenly interrupted Chen Mo and said loudly: "This is definitely not your fault, you have nothing..."

Her voice suddenly stopped, and her next words were choked deep in her throat.

Looking at Alina who was suddenly speechless in front of her.

Chen Mo thought of himself in Longmen, and he seemed to look like this.

Wei Yanwu never made any mistakes, he just did nothing. No one forced him to do that, and no one asked him to risk his life by risking his life for Chen Mo. No one said that he must risk his own life. All the effort is for a single cause of disaster.

He has never done anything wrong, so Chen Mo has no reason to hate him. Even so, people cannot always look at their own experiences objectively and rationally.

Naturally, this also includes Chen Mo himself.

If a person is strong, should he protect the weak?

If one person's death can save others, should he die?Should a sacrifice be made?

Those who can do it are worthy of admiration, and those who cannot do it are not wrong.

Wei Yanwu just didn't do anything. Isn't it wrong to not do anything? He may have bad moral character, and he may have indeed sorry for some people, but he didn't do anything wrong.

Today, Chen Mo seems to be facing the same choice as Wei Yanwu at that time, but the difference is that Chen Mo still can't be so hateful, and he is still not thorough enough.

He was neither willing to leave Tallulah alone, nor was he willing to take her away by force and make her resent him for the rest of her life.

The only thing Chen Mo can do is to stay. His road is not long. He has to do something in the final journey to make himself feel at ease.

After all, he has become a person similar to Wei Yanwu. He has also sorry for many people, and from those people, he may never be able to hear their forgiveness for him again.

"Now, do you understand?" Chen Mo asked softly.

Alina didn't know how to answer. She did understand. She understood what the man in front of her was thinking. She understood that his feelings for Tallulah might no longer be what Tallulah thought she had. But Alina didn't understand either. , What I don’t understand is that he clearly knew the result and how difficult it would be, but he still stayed. What Alina doesn’t understand is why people who have never done anything can make mistakes.

Maybe Alina has the answers to these questions in her heart, because there are many things in this world that often have no reason, such as one person's thoughts and two people's different views on the same thing. It is these views that drive people's behavior and their differences.

"Why don't you tell Talu [=

She saw Chen Mo smile.

"Why tell her? Tell her that I think what she is doing is wrong. I think she will not have a good outcome in the future, so leave with me quickly. Is this the right choice?"

Chen Mo leaned on the fence behind him. The smile on his lips gradually disappeared. He looked at the light of the bonfire rising in the camp not far away. Someone's voice sounded in the quiet night. He couldn't hear it clearly from so far away. He was not yet blind. The left eye reflected the flickering firelight.

The snow in Ursus has stopped. Winter is almost over, but spring has not come yet. How long will it take for spring to come?

"You know, Alina, I have understood since she was very young that Xiaota is different from other children. Her thoughts are not like those of a child. She is extremely stubborn in her bones. She is stubborn for no reason. She has never thought about it in her heart. But she is not willing to give up, and she wants to try. Even if everyone thinks there will be no good outcome, she will not look back."

"She finally found her ideal. I can't stop her, and I'm also reluctant to take her away for fear of being resented by her for the rest of her life. Besides, I don't know where to take her back now."

Chen Mo said softly. He turned to look at Alina, but his eyes seemed to be looking at something farther away.

The long past and memories.

Chen Mo's eyes gradually softened.

"Longmen used to be Xiaota's home, but it is no longer. To Xiaota now, you are her family."

What about you, who are you?

Alina wanted to ask this question, but she didn't dare to say it. She was afraid that the answer she heard would make her sad.

Chapter 30 Living towards death ([-])

Alina already knew Chen Mo's answer.

Knowing that one day Tallulah will fight for her ideals with her life, knowing that if Tallulah is unwilling to stop, if they keep going like this, that day will get closer and closer.

The man in front of him had already expected this result. He didn't take any chances with Tallulah, just because he didn't have any expectations in the first place.

He didn't expect Tallulah to be willing to give up her ideals and follow her away.

He already understood what Tallulah was thinking, but he didn't mention it a word, and he didn't have the heart to expose the tiny and pitiful extravagant hopes in Xiaota's heart.

Alina's chest was clogged, and she couldn't speak, but she felt that she should say something, and she had to say something, but when the words came to her lips, she didn't know how or how to bring them up.

Maybe in Chen Mo's eyes, these people are not important, maybe to Chen Mo, they have become his obstacle.

But Chen Mo never resented them. He had no reason to resent them. He was just blaming himself, blaming himself for coming too late, blaming himself for knowing the outcome but not having time to stop it.

She blamed herself for everything that happened to Tallulah in the future.

But this shouldn't be, at least not to blame him.

"Why are you telling me this?" Alina had no choice but to ask.

"Why?" Chen Mo repeated softly.

He once regarded the girl named Tallulah as his last family member. He once thought that one day they might really have a home of their own in Longmen and become a real family.

But after so many years, this extravagant hope has become farther and farther away.

Even after they were separated for more than ten years, perhaps there was still some connection between him and Tallulah, but Chen Mo was unable to create and maintain this relationship, nor could he respond to Tallulah.

Chen Mo felt a little regretful in his heart, but he was able to see the reality clearly after all.

"You are very smart, Alina, with a delicate mind and a sensitive personality. As an outsider, even if I don't say it, I think you can guess it one day. Tallulah treats you differently from others. I can see that you It’s important to her that she considers you family, which is not easy.”

Chen Mo explained: "Xiaota has been a withdrawn child since she was a child. She thinks differently from other children. She doesn't trust anyone so easily. Even if she says so, I know that true trust can be achieved There have never been many, otherwise she wouldn’t have had only me as her friend in the orphanage when she was young.”

"But you are different. She trusts you, so there must be a lot of things she can't say to others and she is willing to tell you. As for you, you are very kind. Alina, you are a kind girl. You know why I think you are very suitable. Are you the leader of the HIV-infected education group? Because I think it is very important for you to be able to see clearly the land beneath our feet. Only by seeing it clearly can you see what you are doing, rather than illusory fantasies and nothingness. Actual struggle.”

Chen Mo looked at Alina.

Of course Alina understands.

She understood that Chen Mo's willingness to tell her this was because he hoped that she would not mention it to Tallulah and that she would hide it for herself.

Maybe what Chen Mo said is right. People like to deceive themselves. If no one mentions it, they can at least convince themselves.

"But, this is so unfair to you, Chen, and this is so unfair to Tallulah, I..."

Alina gritted her teeth gently, squeezed her hands tightly, stared into Chen Mo's eyes, and retorted stubbornly with white hair, but her words sounded weak.

"Aren't you willing?" Chen Mo asked.

Alina was struggling, not knowing how to answer.

"Fairness is not important, Alina. In fact, fairness is not important in many cases. People cannot be absolutely fair, and many things cannot only be fair. What is fairness? What you pay must be rewarded. This Is it called fairness? If you save someone, you must be thanked. Is this fair? "

Chen Mo asked softly, with a calm tone.

"But if we really want to talk about fairness, why do infected people suffer such treatment? Why do people who have never done anything wrong in their lives be expelled for becoming infected." Chen Mo asked: "Sometimes, people need a little lie. , Alina, because reality often makes people entangled and hesitant, not knowing whether it is right or wrong, just like you now."

"You think it's unfair to me to hide it from Tallulah, because I'm doing my best for her but I don't get any response. You think it's unfair to Tallulah. She has the right to know this and shouldn't be deceived. But after that, how will she choose? How will I choose?"

Alina regretted it a little.

I regret that I shouldn't have mentioned this, I regret that I shouldn't know the answer, I regret that I have put myself in a dilemma now.

But can she refuse?

In fact, Alina can think that Tallulah must know this in her heart. Just like Chen Mo said, it's not that she doesn't understand, she just pretends not to understand, because she hasn't figured out how to answer it yet, because she hasn't thought about it yet. How to face it.

She inevitably had some extravagant hopes in her heart, hoping that Chen Mo would stay here, just stay here and not care about anything else.

Can Alina cruelly break the little selfishness in Tallulah's heart? She can't do it, because Tallulah's fate is cruel enough. She finally has her own expectations, and Alina can't go. Destroy these.

Even Tallulah herself said that they did not need a reason to pursue fairness, because they should pursue fairness. If the land refused to give it, they would get it themselves.

But have you ever thought about it?All is fair but not all is fair, Tallulah.Alina thought.

"Do you regret it?"

Chen Mo seemed to see through Alina's thoughts, he asked.

Alina raised her head and showed a forced smile.

"Yes, I regret it."

"There is no need to regret it. Even if you don't mention it today, I plan to talk to you alone before Tallulah comes back. This is my request."

"But even so, I still have to say that it was never your fault, Chen. At least I don't think so. And I don't think Tallulah thinks so either. She will only think that she has implicated you. I know She must think so." Alina loosened her clenched fingers a little, and she breathed a sigh of relief.

"I could keep telling Tallulah this, not mentioning every word you said to me tonight."

"That's not enough."

"But I can only do this." Alina replied firmly: "If Tallulah thinks of it herself, if she comes to ask you in person, if she must hear your answer, I hope... I just hope, Can you give her a serious answer?"

"You are right. Maybe Tallulah does regard me as her family. Maybe Longmen is no longer her home, but to Tallulah, you are still her family. If you want, you It still can be.”

Alina said: "I know, I know that this land is terrible, and our lives are also terrible. I know there are many things that I can't think about seriously, because once I do so, I will only make myself overwhelmed in the end. I also know that efforts may not always be rewarded, and I also know that people who do good things may not get a good ending.”

"Chen, do you ever feel that you are a little too selfish?"

Alina asked: "Trust is mutual. You said Tallulah trusts me, because I trust her too. Even if the words she says sound naive and distant, I still believe she can do it." Yes, she can definitely do it, but as for you, have you never trusted her? Do you think it is difficult to do this? Do you think she can’t do it? Do you think she will definitely feel embarrassed about it after knowing your thoughts? "

"Is this really the case? Chen, you haven't mentioned this to her, you haven't told her what you think in your heart, how can you conclude that she must not be able to respond to you, and conclude that she knows this? It will be difficult later, the Tallulah I know has never been such a weak and cowardly person."

"..."

Chen Mo was indeed surprised by the deer in front of her. Her answers gradually changed from hesitant to steady, and finally she even looked at herself with determination.

"Are you afraid? Chen, in the final analysis, those are just your wishful thinking. You are afraid that Tallulah's answer will disappoint you. You are afraid that after saying this, the relationship between you will become even more distant. You want to maintain status quo, even with false lies.”

Alina asked: "But does Tallulah really need this? You need to deceive her with a false lie, hoping that you will live in a state of self-deception. No, she will definitely not think so."

Chen Mo just stayed quiet for a while and then answered.

He did not deny it, although Alina's sharp tongue did surprise him. He was surprised that this infected person who was important to Tallulah could think of so many things in a flash, and he was surprised by her quick thinking and a little bit of sarcasm.

"I admit, Alina, you are right. You know Tallulah better than me now and know what she is thinking, but these alone cannot convince me, Alina."

Chen Mo replied calmly: "I can't take these risks because of your few words. I can only think about the worst."

Chen Mo could tell that Alina wanted to say something more, but his words interrupted what Alina wanted to say.

"Let me tell you a story, a not-so-nice story."

Chen Mo paused, looked at Alina and said.

"More than ten years ago, there was a boy who had just escaped from a hell and came to the world. He learned nothing but how to kill people. Someone asked him, what do you want to do in the future? He replied, he wants to live. , why live? Do you still need answers to live?"

"Later, he continued to grow up, learned more things, and had friends. But in the eyes of his friends, he was a taciturn and indifferent person. Except for one or two people, basically no one was willing to have any interaction with him. , and he is happy with this life."

"He still had the same idea in his mind that in order to survive, he fought to survive and killed to survive. But in fact, at that time, he could survive even if he didn't kill or fight, but he had forgotten these things. , because he knows nothing else."

"It wasn't until a long time later that a Sakaz asked him, what about after living? What should he do after living, and what is the purpose of living? He suddenly realized that he had never considered this, he had never considered living. What to do next, maybe he had this idea when he was young, but then he forgot about it and he couldn't think about it anymore."

"Alina, can you understand that kind of life? Looking back, you suddenly find that your life is actually a blank. Looking back, you don't even know what you have been doing all these years. You want to be calm, but But you find that you can no longer adapt to that kind of life. You were not born cold-blooded and ruthless, but you gradually became that way."

"When he thought about what he should do in life, those things he wanted to do were getting away from him little by little. He wanted to keep them, but he was unable to do so."

Alina was stunned.

She suddenly understood something.

She asked with difficulty: "Who is that person?"

"That person is me."

Chen Mo said:

"Alina, when I look back, there are already many things that I couldn't do if I thought. When I look back, there are already many things that I originally hoped for and can only be far away from me."

"You're right. I don't trust Xiaota enough, because I don't dare to trust him and put my expectations on Xiaota's choice. Even if she made the choice, even if the choice didn't disappoint me, I There is no way to answer her."

"So, what you were afraid of was never that Tallulah would disappoint you, right? Chen." Alina lowered her eyelids: "What you were afraid of was that you would disappoint her."

Alina didn't hear the answer from Chen Mo that day, but Alina seemed to know what he really thought in his heart, although this idea made Alina a little unbelievable.

She thought she had correctly guessed what Chen was thinking, but even if it was the opposite, the funny thing was that Alina thought it was Chen's own wishful thinking. It was indeed his wishful thinking, but if it were Alina herself, she wouldn't know either. What choice to make.

As a Chen who does not stay for the infected, people in the team have expectations for him, but those expectations and responses are not what he really wants.

Could it be that he stayed and fought desperately for the infected, only to listen to the unknown infected cheering and admiring him?

Alina knew that Chen was not this kind of person.