I am the emotional sustenance of your deceased

"Huh, is that how all kids talk?"

When I think about it carefully, it seems that I was like this when I was a child.

The action of turning on the faucet was light and quick. Listening to the sound of dripping water surrounding her ears, Yao Lenai's heart beat again and again.

What Chitose said...Have you been asked this question yourself before?

How long ago was that...ah, last month, right?

At that time, I had just started to get along better with my bandmates and was able to get together for dinner. The band's guitarist Abby said something similar to Lenai in the corner of Saizeriya restaurant.

At that time, the white-haired, golden-eyed guitarist drank the orange juice in the cup, wiped the corner of his mouth, and said to Lenai:

"That's terrifying, Kaname Lenai. You don't have any hobbies or close friends. Have you really dedicated your entire life to music?"

Ah!

Because she was so preoccupied with reminiscing, the sink overflowed, and the cold water fell on Lena's toes, interrupting her thoughts.

What did you say at that time?

Are you praising me?

That’s what I said at the time.

Pulling open the sink valve and looking at the small whirlpool that appeared in the pool, Lenai's thoughts continued to become more and more complicated.

[Praising you? Of course not, I just feel sorry for you.]

Guitarist Abby stared at the frosted cup for a long time before speaking calmly: "I admire your tough attitude in pushing yourself into a desperate situation, just like Fujimoto's ambition to kill himself and everyone else if his manga doesn't succeed, but—"

Le Nai's heart trembled. When the sink made a whimpering sound, symbolizing that all the water had flowed into the sewer, her ears also rang with the words her bandmates had said to her:

"Kaname, if your hands are only used to make yourself shine as brightly as possible, that would be truly pathetic."

【You'll get tired of Lenai one day. 】

"..."

At that time, Yao Lenai still felt a little unconvinced, but now Lenai felt as if he was hit in the face by a boomerang.

"Mom, why are you daydreaming again? Is it really okay?"

"..."

Putting her hand under the faucet that was not turned off, Lenai scooped up a handful of water to wash her cheeks.

"I am fine…"

The cool water pooled at her chin, and the girl silently wiped it away with the back of her hand.

I'm probably fine.

……

"Hey, Lenai-chan, are you okay?"

"I'm very good."

Today is performance day, and it's another normal backstage break for the band.

Just as she was about to go on stage, her good teammate handed her a bottle of soda, but Kaname just shook her head and refused.

A good night's sleep with Chitose in her arms would be more helpful to her mental state than a drink, but that was impossible.

I don't know since when Lenai forgot to say things like "I'm not good", "I'm terrible now", "I'm dying, I don't want to stay here anymore" and so on.

She was successfully tamed by something, and she was not even sure what it was that made the wildness she cultivated when she was fourteen disappear completely.

"So cute, so cute! Lenai is so efficient. She brought the baby home to raise after only seeing him for a few days."

The teammates were surrounding Chitose, and Lenai couldn't see through the crowd to look at his daughter.

The crowd was like mountains and waves, blocking the connection between Chitose and Lenai.

"Nothing happened, it just happened."

Kaname leaned in the corner of the sofa with a lack of interest. She was actually a little jealous that everyone liked her, Chitose.

That's her daughter, how dare you "steal" her from me?

"Why, are you worried?"

Another guitarist came over, but compared to the guitarist Lenai, the guitarist Abi seemed more dazzling.

Her guitar playing is amazing, and Lenai doesn't think she's much better than her, but she can sing excellent songs.

【That's really an exaggeration.】

"Well, I'm worried," Kaname couldn't forget the emotionless golden eyes of his bandmate the whole night since he recalled the conversation with him yesterday.

"You told me before that it was pathetic for me to only pursue the glory on the stage, and that I would eventually grow tired of it... What did you mean by that?"

Do you hate guitar? I...maybe I'm not that into it anymore. I've broken free from the shackles and no longer feel comfortable playing it, but I just can't muster the same excitement I had as a kid.

Lenai tried to lean against the sofa in different positions, but she couldn't sit more comfortably.

Really bad.

"I was already very good, you should know that," guitarist Abby looked directly at Yao Lenai, a glint in his eyes. "I won the national best singer title, although that was two years ago."

"But while gaining the title of the strongest of the new generation, the fighting spirit was also lost."

“The more I played and sang, the further away people became from me.”

Lenai glanced sideways, her heart trembling.

"The scenery I see at the top is the same as the scenery I see at the bottom. Looking around, no one is there. Nothing can be more—"

"Boring," as if chewing on the words, when the other party said this word, Le Nai was unable to refute for a moment.

"Lena, you understand, shining on the stage and bringing countless achievements are important, but these cannot cultivate the best musicians."

“Only partners who can compete with each other will do.”

The performance costume made Lenai feel restless, and she didn't even notice when her daughter walked up to her in small steps.

She gritted her teeth and tried her best not to lose her composure.

Abby continued:

"Whether you play superbly or terribly, in my opinion, it's more important than shining on the stage. Cherishing the time you spend playing and cherishing the present moment are the most important things. What do you think?"

"..."

"I have my own ideas."

Lenai's voice was so soft that she even thought she was the only one who could hear it.

Ch403. But reality will not disappear on its own

"I have my own opinion."

Lenai almost said this through gritted teeth.

If playing well or playing badly, becoming a professional or not becoming a professional, achieving success or not achieving success are not as important as cherishing the present moment of playing...

[Then what is the meaning of my life in the past twenty-two years? ]

She didn't make any expression, but instead tried to calm herself down and scratched Qiansui's chin.

But the golden light shining in Chitose's wine-red pupils was like a death spell, making it impossible for Lenai to break free from the shackles of the past.

"Oh, really? That's good. I'm looking forward to it."

After saying this, Abby left with his guitar on his back, apparently preparing to go backstage to listen to the performances of the previous bands.

"Mommy, hug me!"

"Hug...years old."

I want to hug you, but it’s not just you I want to hug.

Le Na tried to adjust her mood, but she once again remembered the question that Chitose had asked her.

[Mom, you are so awesome, don’t you ever feel lonely? ]

Is it great?

Not great.

Lonely?

very lonely.

【Why does mom like guitar? 】

dislike.

Not interesting.

Hate it.

Without partners and competitors, the fun of playing guitar has indeed decreased, but the more important and irrefutable thing is that Lenai can't completely refute Abi's words.

Life without enjoying guitar is really painful...

But I can't enjoy it at all, it's like——

"さよなら escape line,"

(Goodbye, I'm running away.)

"Yesterday's の酔いも覚めない君と,"

(With you still drunk from last night and still not sober,)

(抜け出す街を、行こう，)

"Towards the street, escape."

"you!"

The teammates around them also went backstage to join in the fun. When only Le Nai and her little daughter were left in the room, her daughter's sudden singing was like a heavy uppercut to her lower abdomen.

"Year-old, how come you know...this song!"

That was a song that Chitose Noshiro composed the music and wrote a few lyrics for, and Chitose and I completed most of the lyrics work!

Why did her daughter know this song? It was impossible for her to have access to it.

This song has never even been released, it is a secret that belongs only to her and them.

Lenai thought she would take this tune to her grave.

"Huh? Doesn't mom hum and play music all the time?"

"I...yeah, I often sing to you."

[It turns out that my longing has long been integrated into my daily life. 】

It's terrible.

"Mom, you have to do your best in today's performance. Xiaosui will be watching you from behind the scenes! But..." Chitose looked melancholy as if she had thought of something.

"But what? Just tell me, Mom will listen carefully."

She lifted her daughter up gently, telling Lenai that she didn't want her bad mood to affect the child.

If you want Qiansui, then you want Qiansui. Qiansui is not someone else. You have no right and should not treat her as a meal substitute or a meal substitute for a meal substitute...even if she often does this.

"Will Mom be nervous when I look at her? Will she still be able to perform well if that happens?"

"what…"

Only then did Lenai realize why the last performance felt different from the previous ones.

【So, I'm also being watched. 】

"No, Xiao Sui, quite the opposite in fact."

Lenai took out his guitar, and under the indoor lights, the treasure that had been passed down for years reflected a warm light.

"At least I have you with me now."

“I guess my playing won’t be so lonely anymore.”