I am the emotional sustenance of your deceased

The journey home was long and I arrived home at five in the afternoon.

Holding Chitose Kaname's hand, they walked lightly, Kaname Rakuna still couldn't recover from the words of her bandmates.

If you can't face reality, you can't escape it. Please pay more attention.

Covering my eyes will stop me from moving forward? No... Why should I feel shaken? It's okay... I performed beyond my level during the performance, even twice in a row.

This is already a big improvement. I can be sure that I am in great shape now.

So, what is the reality that I have been avoiding all these years?

"It's so hard to imagine... I'm actually a jellyfish. I have no brain, I'm 100% water, I pretend to be human in socializing, and when I encounter setbacks, I just burst into tears and then shrivel up."

At the same time, I am still a grain of sand.

Indestructible, drifting everywhere, visible everywhere, dispensable...

There were already fallen leaves in the courtyard. Xiaosui walked in front of him, jumping up and down repeatedly, then falling down heavily to crush the dead leaves.

"Mom! Open the door! I want to learn guitar today too."

"Do you want to learn today?"

Inserting the key into the lock anxiously, Lenai frowned and asked a question that he had only been able to answer after a whole night of hard thinking:

"Sui, are you really ready to learn guitar?"

"Enlightenment? What is that?"

The girl's answer was so innocent that even an adult like Kaname Rakuna, who had already jumped into the big dye vat of society, felt deeply moved.

There was a time when I didn't understand anything.

"Learning guitar is very hard, even if you are very talented..." He gritted his teeth and opened the door. The autumn wind blew through the iron gate with "Noshiro House" written on the side. Lenai lowered his eyes and his expression was obscure.

"If you don't have the best intentions, then don't learn guitar... Because you're still young, it's easy to go astray. For example, if you think guitar is your only hope in life... That would be too desperate and terrible."

Just like me.

"Huh? Wouldn't that be great? I could just play guitar all the time! That would be awesome, right?"

"Not at all. Not at all. If you don't have the best intentions when playing guitar, you'll be forced to face all kinds of cruel things..."

Realizing that he had said something a bit too much, Lenai quickly stepped aside and tried to make his expression as kind as possible instead of serious.

"Forget it... Let's go inside. Actually... if you just want to play it for fun, then there's really nothing wrong..."

Not everyone has to work hard on this path, but it’s easy to get caught up in music without realizing it.

If that happens, we'll be finished like her, Chitose Noshiro, and Chitose Haizuka.

So what does the saying "no music, no life" really mean? Music is clearly not everything in life, so why take it to such extremes?

"Mom, I'm ready!"

The girl did not comply timidly as Lenai had imagined. Instead, she waved her fists and muttered with a determined look.

"Eh?"

Le Nai swallowed subconsciously: "What?"

"I'd better wake up! I must shine on the stage like Mom! That's the only kind of life I want! Just like... Mom!"

[Just like Chitose Noshiro! I want to shine on the stage too!]

"Ah--"

Constantly attacked by past memories, same place, same age, but the identities are completely reversed.

Lenai had to admit that she had lost control of her facial expressions. She wanted to smile gently but couldn't. The corners of her lips trembled and her facial muscles twitched sadly.

How should I guide my child?

Should I let her become someone like me, who was still confused until she was 22? Or should I let her become a martyr like Chitose?

"Then... let's try it, but... music is not everything in life... music is just music..."

It’s more like trying to convince myself than trying to convince Qiansui.

She didn't think she was a successful adult because nothing she could teach her children was positive. After all, Lenai had never received much education in love.

All she could do was use herself as a negative example, repeating over and over again how to avoid becoming the same person as herself.

I'm such a failure.

Sister Qiansui, are you still looking at me?

Why am I still such a failure even though I have become the same person as you?

Why is this happening?

"But. 2 years old, please don't become like me."

Ch407.Are you...Chitose Haizuka?

Even though I have fulfilled my dream, regrets still haunt me.

It's like being tied up with iron chains and falling into the deep sea. The whole dive is desperate and definitely not beautiful.

But, since we have already embarked on this path...it is too difficult to change.

【No...it's not impossible to change.】

Lenai nudged Chitose to signal her to hurry into the house, but she stood at the door for a long time without moving.

"Chitose-sister, if you were here, what would you do..."

"When you were teaching me guitar, you asked me about my enlightenment... what exactly did it mean? Ah... I'm sorry, Chitose-nee."

Walking up to the doorplate, Lenai blew away the dust that had accumulated on it. Wiping the word "Noshiro" with her hand, Lenai bit her lower lip.

"At that time, I...actually lied."

【From the time I was born until now, I have not been fully aware of everything I have done.】

Whether it was learning guitar, forming a band with Chitose Haizuka, or even taking care of Chitose, he hadn't made any preparations...

"I'm so sorry! Chitose-sister... I'm sorry to disappoint you..."

Not wanting to let her emotions get out of control again like last week, Kaname didn't dare to enter the house but shouted into the room:

"Years old! I'm going out to buy some wine... Just be good at home and I'll bring you some dinner."

She didn't care whether Qiansui responded or not, her legs had already stepped out on their own.

Run away, run away. I don’t know who to vent the nameless anger in my heart on. I want to stand on the street and scold myself but I can’t make a sound. I can only rush in the opposite direction like I rushed to Chitose’s house when I was six years old.

The orange sky, the lonely sunset, the scattered pedestrians...all go away.

As he ran past a cherry tree, a white-haired girl passed by and ran away in the opposite direction towards Lenai.

She didn't dare look back at the other person.

She was afraid that it was the younger version of herself who ran to Chitose's house to look for Noshiro Chitose.

That's the way it is.

……

"I am back."

A simple round trip only takes a few minutes, but it is really tiring to run such a distance in the afternoon after a performance at noon.

He placed the boxes of beer he brought home into the refrigerator one by one, then passed by the sofa and saw Chitose sitting there obediently watching anime.

Life doesn't seem so bad after all.

Maybe.

Lenai's brain had turned into a mess. When she returned home exhausted, she suddenly realized that she still could not face reality, accept reality and then crush reality as she had said to her bandmates.

She couldn't complete a high-handed escape process.

"It's too difficult. I was discouraged by just the first step."

Unacceptable, totally unacceptable...

"Accepting that I've completely surpassed Noshiro Chitose... accepting that I'm actually terrible and not a qualified adult... I can't do that!"

Renai cannot accept the reality that she cannot be Noshiro Chitose for the rest of her life, nor can she accept the reality that Noshiro Chitose is not actually perfect.

If I can't continue to be "Chitose Noshiro", I can only be "Rana Kaname" again.

But over the years, she has not been taught how to be Kaname, how to be herself!

boom--

A fist slammed against the wall of the corridor, startling the picture frames hanging nearby.

After all, reality is still too painful. Just looking back at the past can make people suffocate and want to leave this world in an instant.

Is there anyone who truly accepts reality? If the price of growth is the wear and tear of flesh and blood, then why bother growing up?

"Mother?"

"Forehead--"

A girl's timid call came from behind. Lenai didn't dare to look back and adjusted her breathing. Finally, she turned around stiffly.

[I've failed in my duty again... Showing such a terrible expression in front of my daughter... No, no, I can't turn back.]

If I look back, I will see a look of worry on that face, definitely!

【That would be even worse.】

"Mom, please don't be sad, okay? Did the older sister in the band bully you just now?"

Hugging Kaname Rakuna's thighs sadly, Chitose looked so pitiful as she blinked her big eyes filled with tears.

"No, it's just that I'm...in a bad mood."

"Feeling down? Xiao Sui can be my tree hole. If I have anything I want to say, I can tell Xiao Sui."

The more considerate and torturous it was, Chitose's reaction made Lenai's mind go blank. There were a few moments when Lenai was about to sob when she heard Chitose talking.

She wanted to hug her sister Chitose's thighs and cry, wanted to hide in Chitose Huizuka's arms and tell her about the pain of enduring eight years of her life alone -

But she couldn't let the little girl bear these.

Ultimately, it's just rubbish emotions. If adults' troubles are really shared with children, it is a crime committed by the adults.

"I want to take a bath... year old, want to join me?"

In an instant, all the emotions that were about to explode were extinguished, and Kaname Rakuna held the wall with one hand and picked up Chitose.

"I'm sorry, I disappointed you."

She began to talk to herself, not caring at all about the response she got.

"I'm sorry, I haven't become a qualified adult yet... I feel like I can do very well."

"Years old... the music is great, right? I played it."

"I'm also taking good care of my 20-year-old guitar. I'm taking very good care of it."

years old, what a pity.

There are so many things I want to say to you, and I have so many regrets that I can’t even count them, but... I’m still alive.

You are years old, you can’t hear anymore, and you don’t know how much I regret.

You won't know, just like I don't know who I'm talking to.

……

"Huh—Sui!"

She was wearing the same white yukata as Chitose Noshiro, and the old one had become a blanket on the corner of the bed.

He turned on the night light and drank in bed. The sheets seemed to still be permeated with the smell of wine from sixteen years ago. Lenai squinted his eyes and felt that the fourteen-year-old girl was still lying beside him.

It seemed that her life was not moving forward but was going backwards.

"GuluGulu——"

Le Nai leaned on the bed and drank the wine in one gulp. He decided not to sleep tonight until he was drunk.