Funny: The Hilarious Life of a Wasted Taoist 1

Chapter 5 Ghosts and Gods (1)
According to incomplete statistics, as of now, there is a hanged ghost, a vixen, a kid and a dead head in the second floor of the small building.

With so many creatures gathered together, it is no longer a problem of the serious shrinkage of the per capita housing area.

As a disadvantaged group, and I look better than most of them, I must suffer abuse living with these things.

I am now a businessman in the prime of my life, and it would be too unworthy to die like this.

But...Thinking about the current housing prices, and thinking about my piece of land, you will feel that it is not a big deal to live in this house and die.

At least we have a house, right?

Just when I was thinking about things and hesitating, a deep voice suddenly came from behind.

"The feng shui here is sinister, and the yin is very heavy. It's not good, it's not good."

My body shook, and I turned my head slowly, only to see a person standing under the sun at noon.

It was an old Taoist, wearing a blue Taoist robe, his hair was combed into a round bun, the dust whisk on his left arm fluttered in the wind, his black beard fell smoothly to his chest, forming a perfect inverted triangle, he was really a fairy Wind channel bone.

Just standing there, I can feel the radiance on his body.

"This house is yours?" The old man glanced at me, nodded when he saw me, walked forward with small square steps, and looked up and down the small second floor, "I can see the evil spirit here from a hundred miles away." He waved the dust and pointed to the roof, "Look, the roof is surrounded by black air."

I looked in the direction he pointed, and the blue sky was shining brightly.

"But it's strange. Although the yin energy surrounds the roof, it hasn't eroded into the house. There must be something protecting the house." The old man took back the whisk and asked me, "Do you believe it?"

What's not to believe?I nodded repeatedly.

The old Taoist smiled gratifiedly, and then said: "It is the duty of the Taoist school to eliminate demons and subdue demons. Today you and I meet, it is fate, and I can't just leave it alone. But this Tao has just subdued a thousand-year-old fox, and it has consumed 49% of its mana. , if you forcefully cast a spell to collect ghosts and descend Yin, it may cause great harm to your body. Although it will not be life-threatening, you must rest for seven to [-] days after that, and eat bird's nest and shark's fin to adjust your internal strength. But don't worry, Pindao is born out of this world Man, naturally I won't charge you more money, the price is fair and fair." He changed the subject and said, "This is nothing to pay, after I clear the ghosts, the yang energy of this house will rise, which will be of great benefit to you. Time will come and go, promotion and wealth will be promoted, all diseases will be cured, life will be prolonged, peach blossoms will bloom, and Feng Shui services will also be provided.”

I turned around and walked into the house in silence.

The old Taoist shouted behind him: "Why are you leaving? Don't you believe me?"

"I'm telling you, don't talk about money with me," I opened the door. "Talk about money and I'll go into atheist mode."

The old man had a surprised expression on his face: "Could it be that you think I'm a liar?"

I shook my head and said from the bottom of my heart, "You look like a pyramid scheme."

Then slammed the door shut.

The Taoist priest was still outside the door and shouted resolutely: "If you don't get rid of the evil spirits as soon as possible, within seven days, there will definitely be bloody disasters in your house."

It’s a waste for this guy not to join the MLM army. With his eloquence, he will never waver in holding the banner of Marxism after speaking a few words with the charismatic leader Li. (political sensitive)

"whee……"

Suddenly there was a coquettish smile, I looked over, Sanniang was standing at her door smiling and looking at me, and asked in a coquettish voice: "Brother Ma, you are really not afraid of us."

"Don't call me Brother Ma, it's too polite, I can't afford it." I shook my calves, leaned against the wall, and rubbed against my room little by little, "You can just call me Brother Ma."

Sanniang smiled coquettishly: "You are so humorous." Then she turned around and entered the room.

Seeing her close the door, I rushed to the door of my room twice. When I opened the door and rushed in, I felt a chill behind me. I turned my head and saw that the door of the storage room was half open. The child stood behind the door with his head down. , expressionless, eyes rolled up, looking at me darkly.

The door closed slowly.

I hurried into the house and locked the door.

Pixiu hanging around his neck snorted contemptuously.

I thought of those dead children last night again, and my stomach felt nauseous, so I simply climbed into bed and went to sleep.

I have been exhausted for the past few days, so I slept very peacefully this time.
Unexpectedly, in the middle of the night, my body started to feel cold, and a gust of cold air came from nowhere, and it became heavier and heavier, which woke me up abruptly.

It was completely dark at this time, and it seemed to be midnight.

The cold air came from the window, I carefully lifted the curtains and looked out.

Not far away, candlelight was flickering, and a few people were squatting. They seemed to be children from the village, but they were only sixteen or seventeen years old. Their schoolbags were placed aside, forming a circle, and they didn't know what they were doing.

I got goosebumps all over my body.

I can tell at a glance that those children are alive, because there is a circle of translucent "dirty things" floating around them for comparison. behind them.Not only that, but there are many others that seem to be attracted, floating continuously from afar.

I asked, "What... what is this doing?"

Pixiu replied, "They are recruiting ghosts."

Ghost?As soon as I heard it, I was anxious, this house is like this, still recruiting!
I immediately opened the door and ran out to stop them.

There were waves of things floating here in the distance. I ran over to see that the four people in the middle formed a circle. There was a piece of paper on the ground, and a plate was placed on the paper.

Even if I have no common sense, I can still see that they are playing Die Xian divination.

On the plate stood a thin and lonely male ghost, with a sad face like a doormat.

"Die Xian, Die Xian." The four said in unison, "Tell me what the weather will be like tomorrow."

The ghost grinned aggrievedly and moved.

With his movements, the plate also moved.

The people playing Die Xian cheered: "It will rain tomorrow."

"Comrade." A ghost approached from the side, "You can see us, right?"

"I can't see it," I said.

I found that ghosts are easy to distinguish between good and evil. Some ghosts make you feel scared when they approach you, while others don't feel much.Although the one I was talking to was a ghost, it was chubby and had a general belly. It lost its eyes when it smiled. It looked kind and harmless.

"It's not that I insist on bothering you, we're in a hurry, can you do me a favor." The ghost with a general belly stretched out his wrist to show me, "If they tie up my friend again, we won't be able to catch the last train of reincarnation."

I turned my head and looked, and immediately fell in love with this ghost. He was wearing a Rolex!
The general patted me on the shoulder again: "It's not easy for us to be ghosts. If we can't catch up with the bus and can't register in the life and death book, we will lose our household registration. You know how difficult it is to get a household registration now, and then you can only be a lonely ghost." If you can’t reincarnate, it’s a matter of hundreds of years.”

Seeing that I didn't respond, the general took out a wad of paper money from his pocket: "Do me a favor and make a friend."

I've never seen such a bad luck!I quickly pushed the paper money back: "Don't do this!"

"Comrade," the general added with a smile again: "If we can't catch the bus, we will live in your house for the rest of our lives."

"Look at what you said." I said seriously: "Helping people, no, helping ghosts is the foundation of happiness, and I will help you!"

Then he turned his head and yelled at those playing Die Fairy: "What are you doing!"

"Ah!" Those few people were fascinated by the game, they didn't expect me to shout and scream, and the few squatting people around the outer circle even sat down on the ground in fright.

I just yelled casually, but I didn't expect their reaction to be so big, and I was also stunned.

The boy who was so frightened that he sat on the ground patted his clothes and stood up: "Uncle, don't scare people like that, it will kill you!"

I was shocked by the name uncle, which has no basis in reality. I was about to teach this kid a lesson when I heard someone next to me screaming: "Hand! Let go of your hand!"

I froze for a moment, then turned my head to look, the two men and two women stretched out a finger to press on the plate, but at this moment, a little girl let go of her hand and held her hand on her chest, looking at me in horror .

The trapped ghost finally flew out, ran towards this side with tears, and shouted with aggrieved face: "My God, I'm suffocating."

"Let go! We're finished!" one of the boys playing Die Xian yelled, turning his head and shouting at me, "Do you know that you can't let go of Die Xian? You scared us so much that we let go, and we will have a Three long and two short, how do you bear the consequences?"

Die Xian?I looked around at the things that were slowly disappearing, there was no fairy here, they were all wild ghosts.

"You practice feudal superstition at such a young age!" I scolded, "How did your parents educate you? Which school? I'll tell your teacher to go."

Those guys looked at me reluctantly.

"Take it away and go home, go back and go back."

Being yelled at by me really had an effect, and the children began to pack their things slowly.

The general thanked me very much, took the paper money and stuffed it into my arms, and said repeatedly: "Thank you, thank you."

"No, no, you keep it." I shook my hand and said, "I don't need it."

"Don't be polite, don't be polite with me." The ghost said, "You will need it sooner or later."

No one is polite to you!I raised my fist: "If you give me money again, I'm in a hurry with you, don't force me to do it."

"Did you see that?" General Du said to the ghosts watching, "This is Lei Feng, who does good deeds without expecting anything in return."

I want to repay you, so you have to give me something reliable.

The kid who was packing up next to me looked at me with strange eyes: "Who is he talking to?"

The other said firmly: "My dad said that the nerves living in this house are a bit abnormal."

After all, the general left with the little skinny man on his belly, and the ghosts who were recruited next to him also came back from nowhere.

I secretly breathed a sigh of relief.

The cloudy wind slowly dissipated, and the surrounding air began to warm up.

Just when I put my heart down, I suddenly heard someone say in a dark voice: "I'm going to die..."

Although the voice was not loud, it was clearly audible.

I shuddered and turned to look.It was another curly-haired girl who just played with Pen Fairy. She didn't move when others were packing up. She just lowered her head and looked at her with resentful eyes.

The people next to her were also shocked by her.

"Zhang Jiayan, what are you talking about?" a boy shouted.

The girl named Zhang Jiayan suddenly turned her head and stared at the boy with creepy eyes.

The scene suddenly became quiet, only the cold wind blowing through my door that was still closed, creaking.

"If Die Xian is not sent away, he will pester you and everyone will die!"

She used the imperative sentence, word by word, and said it with seriousness.

But you have to have a factual basis for what you say. Xiaoshou and Xiaofatty are both holding hands to apply for household registration. Even if you want people to pester you, they won't be happy.

I patted my chest and promised: "I said I'll be fine, I'll take care of anything, go home quickly."

When Zhang Jiayan walked past me, she gave me a hard look.

"Can you guarantee it?" The corner of her mouth curled up in a strange arc, and she dropped a sentence in a dark tone.

Those eyes were extremely vicious, not like that of a teenage girl.

A social elite like me who has traveled all over the world and seen the big world is also looked at with horror.

Today's high school students are really amazing and precocious.

I watched them leave, and the girl who walked at the end looked back at me all the way. After walking a few steps, she suddenly ran back, stood in front of me, and said with a shy smile, "Thank you."

I recognized that this was the girl I was scared to let go of just now, and this time I saw it clearly, she was very clean, and she looked delicate and pretty.

"It's all right." I waved my hand, "Serve the people."

"My name is Hu Yating." The girl blushed as she spoke, looking very shy. "I study in No. [-] Middle School, and I'm in the third year of high school this year."

I never thought that my masculinity is so great that even girls of this age can be attracted. I took a step back and said, "The age difference is too big, it's not suitable."

The girl looked at the Pixiu on my chest, rolled her eyes, and smiled again: "Your necklace is so beautiful." Then she blushed and ran away with small steps.

My heart swayed, girls should be like this, cute!

Sanniang stood at the door and looked out: "Hey, what is this doing? It's so lively."

I said, "I heard that the price of cemeteries has increased again recently, and wandering spirits came out to protest against the monopoly of real estate companies."

San Niang glanced at me, smiled meaningfully, and entered the room.

I was so sleepy that I didn't bother to pay attention to what she meant, so I went back to the room, lay down and fell asleep.

I didn't sleep well this time, and I still felt the wind blowing. In the middle of the night, I felt like my hands and feet were soaked in ice water.

It stands to reason that I should have been woken up by the cold, but I couldn't open my eyes, and I just fell asleep until dawn.

When I woke up in the morning, it was raining crackling outside, I stretched my body, nothing serious happened, and the blanket was warm.

It must have been a nightmare yesterday, I was thinking about it, when I heard Pai Yao say: "Those high school students yesterday were not right."

Needless to say, I don't think it's right. I have nothing to do at a young age, and I come to play ghost hunting. It seems that I have been confused by feudal superstition.

However, it is not my responsibility to strengthen the spiritual civilization of Huaguduo in the motherland. I am only in charge of the publicity office, especially the posting of small advertisements.

At that time, I took it for granted that this matter should be over, but I didn't realize that it was just the beginning.

It was noon in a blink of an eye, and I was going to the kitchen to cook noodles. As soon as I stepped out of the room, I felt someone staring at me

I was wondering, when I heard a surprised "Ouch" from someone behind me, and then Sanniang's voice sounded: "Brother Ma, are you still alive?"

This is unlucky, I feel uncomfortable when I hear it, this mouth is too owed!This is to see her a rare breed of vixen, and I let her because I can't beat it, otherwise I will definitely go up and kiss her!

Just about to have an attack, San Niang continued: "Look at the yin energy last night, I thought you couldn't bear it, it seems that Pixiu is still useful to you, it can protect you well."

I lowered my head to look at the Pixiu on my chest, and my heart felt hot. This thing turned out to be really useful, and I really answered that sentence. It is better to ask for Pikachu than to ask for others.

While being happy, Sanniang asked another question.

San Niang asked: "What's the name of the girl you brought back yesterday."

I was taken aback and asked, "What girl?"

Sanniang narrowed her eyes and looked at me ambiguously: "It's the one who came in after you, with long hair."

I clearly remember that yesterday I came back after seeing all the ghost recruiters leave. When I came back at night, there was no one around, and I felt a little nervous, and asked again: "Thief?"

"Of course not." Sanniang said slowly, "The girl looks quite young, she must have died not long ago."

After she finished speaking, she smiled sweetly at me, twisted her body and walked away.

I was left standing there alone, and my back was completely cold.

At this moment, the feeling of being stared at just now reappeared. I turned my head and saw a man's head standing on the vase next to the shoe cabinet.

It was a little strange to me at first glance, but I understood it when I saw the nosebleed at the second glance.

I have seen this head.

That nosebleed was picked by me.

At this time, the head was looking at me with eager, almost obsequious eyes, which made me feel hairy.

It was the first time in my life that someone looked at me like this, but I was not happy at all because he was male.

The man coughed and said shyly, "Good morning." Then his face turned red.

I took two steps back, and I also thought that I was handsome and handsome, but when a person turned his head to me and blushed, that was a horrible panic!

"Mistema." The man coughed, "I was the housekeeper here before I was alive. I was a person who stayed abroad and drank foreign ink. It's just that I died too early and I haven't married a wife yet..."

I picked my ears without interest.

The man looked hesitant to speak, looked at me a few times, and then moved his eyes to the refrigerator next to me.
That refrigerator was bought from a second-hand market when I was still living in a high-end bungalow. I was confused by its gorgeous appearance and simple price, so I bought it without saying a word.

After I came back, I found that it was as good as it looks, not only the function is as simple as the price, but also comes with a heat preservation function that other refrigerators do not have - put the cooked instant noodles in for an hour, and it is still hot when you take it out.

Because of this, I was ruthlessly ridiculed by Qiangzi and the others. Later, when they came to drink in the winter, they thought the beer was too cold, so they threw it all in my refrigerator to cover.

Later, I used it as a warming cabinet, and I look forward to the day when its advantages will be brought to the extreme, and I can use it to roast chicken.

I saw the head's eyes full of curiosity, and I thought that no one had lived in this house for many years, and he might not have seen this kind of high technology when he was trapped in this house.He patted the refrigerator door frantically and asked, "Have you seen it? This is called a refrigerator, high-tech."

Then he opened the door of the refrigerator and said ostentatiously, "I'll give you some insight. This thing can keep warm. Didn't you have it in your time?"

Facing the head, I stretched out my hand to take out half a bag of dried noodles while talking, but who knew that when I stretched out my hand, I touched a handful of grass-like things.

I haven't opened the refrigerator for a few days, moldy?

I turned my head to look at it strangely, and when I saw it, I almost twisted my neck in fright.

In the refrigerator stood a woman's head.

Such a unique female head, no matter which refrigerator it is in, is as eye-catching as a hundred yuan bill dropped on the ground.

The loose scalp, the artistic hair, and the half-lifted skull all deeply stimulated my memory.

Even if I was beaten to death, I would never forget that this is the one from the old Wang family.

She actually followed me home!

"This is the beauty!" The man was excited, "Can you introduce me?"

I stared at the exposed skull of the woman's head, and I was about to cry. How distorted the aesthetics would be to think she is beautiful? !
The woman glanced at me and scolded: "Don't you know how to knock on the door? It's rude!"

Then the refrigerator door shut itself with a bang.

I stared dumbfounded at the refrigerator.

What Sanniang said, she must be the woman who followed me home yesterday.

Doesn't she fit her body?Why did you come back with me again.I told her a long time ago that this thing is very important, so I can't lose it, but I didn't listen to me.

I was thinking about it when I suddenly heard someone banging on my door.

I opened the door and saw that it was the high school students who summoned ghosts outside my house yesterday.

The faces of those people were pale, as if they were greatly stimulated, when they saw me open the door, they immediately shouted: "Didn't you say you're fine?"

"Then why are people dead!"

I was taken aback, dead?
The one who drowned was Zhao Yi, one of the people who invited Die Xian yesterday. He died in the river three kilometers away. When I passed by, the body had just been lifted up, and the stretcher-bearer walked past me, covering the body. A hand hung down under the white cloth, swollen and pale from blisters.

Surrounded by a circle of fellow villagers, they murmured in a low voice: "I was discovered by a fisherman this morning, it seems to be an accident."

"It's a terrible death!"

"How can such a strong boy drown?"

I was also amazed that I was alive and kicking yesterday, how could I die after one night.

(End of this chapter)