Self-control 2: How to control your emotions and destiny?

Chapter 27 Teaching You to Work Happily (3)
Half a year later, Hess won the first important advertising case in her life and won the award in one fell swoop.Then what happened?The boss personally invited her to dinner, announced in public that she was promoted to the director of the planning department, and increased her annual salary by 10 times.Since then, she has supported the company with her impressive work achievements.No one around her spoke bad words to her anymore, and no one disrespected her anymore.

Hess finally said: "In everyone's pocket, there are some malicious labels hidden, which are written with contempt, contempt, contempt, or all kinds of bad intentions such as anger, attack, and taking advantage. These labels are only taken out when dealing with the weak, sticking them on their own brows and letting the other party see them, to humiliate and attack the other party. However, no one will ever perform these unnecessary performances against the strong, because strength is decisive. "

The principle of innocent passage - do not take any hostile actions before the malice of others has been implemented or clearly shown, so as not to destroy the normal working atmosphere between you, this is called "innocent passage".

It's like the relationship between colleagues. Maybe he is very unfriendly to you and obviously hates you.But what can you do?Can you strike preemptively because the other party has bad intentions and may cause harm to you?This is obviously a very bad choice.

The correct way to do it is, if you get along well, talk to him more; if you don't get along, talk less to him.Of course, you can also stay away from him and avoid his sphere of competence, instead of yelling immediately when you find out that he wants to plot against you, wishing that everyone in the world would know and report to your boss.

If you take a radical approach, it will be you, not him, who will be unlucky in the end.In other words, sometimes preemptive strikes seem like insurance, but they are actually very stupid choices.

There are two distinct characteristics of human inner emotions: attention and intention.

What is attention?It means that all things we care about will generate a kind of power because of our own attention, and radiate through specific emotions to let the other party know: "Ah, this person is currently paying attention to me." This kind of attention may be well-intentioned (love, friendship, or family affection), or it may be malicious (jealousy, hatred, or ridicule).Regardless of whether the other party is kind or malicious, as long as he starts to pay attention, we will all have this feeling, and we can quickly and sensitively receive this kind of information from him.

What about the intention?It's what he's focused on—what he wants to do.His benevolent purpose may be some kind of spiritual support, or he may want to achieve substantive help or contact with us; his malicious purpose may be just thinking about it, or he may be planning an actual action.In any case, intention represents purpose, and it plays a role in transforming power in the process of our attention, so intention is the real power behind emotions.

This does not mean that we should be extra vigilant against all malicious intentions - it is right to be on guard.For example, the team we work in is often a pure work organization composed of interests, without much emotional components. If there is no precaution, it may be used by colleagues, superiors and customers; but if you are overprotective, nervous, and react beyond a certain range It can also get out of hand.We must master the principle of infinite flexibility to judge the real intentions of the other party in different environments and situations, manage emotions, communicate with the other party, and achieve your goals without disturbing the overall atmosphere.

For example, in the case I mentioned earlier, Ricky did quite well. At least she didn't take excessive actions, neither harmed the cooperation, but also skillfully protected herself, and her words and deeds were not out of control, so this kind of The method is worth learning from.

Emotional Self-Management Course
Colleagues and Clients

Jing-Guan: Before expressing your attitude and opinions on some events, you must know how to restrain yourself, and speak after careful consideration.Or, simply refrain from expressing an opinion and observe the development of events instead of hastily expressing a position.

Forgetting: We must become a person who knows how to see the essence of things and discuss things as they stand, forget those factors that make us emotional, and avoid becoming victims of impulse.

Ask yourself: When you are about to be impulsive, first ask yourself three questions in your heart: "Am I in an impulsive state now?" "Will I cause bad consequences?" "Is there a better way?"

Suggestion: Use the tool of suggestion flexibly, remind yourself that this is just a "joke", all bad expectations have not happened, and I still have to wait a few minutes to see a good change.

◎ Realize that dependence is a disease
Now there is a term called "spiritual life parasite", which means that some people's spirits cannot be independent, and they need to depend on others to live all the time, just like some creatures that rely on their hosts.Such people put themselves in a subordinate position, and when they leave others, they will fall into loneliness or fail to do things.If a good attitude is to walk a tightrope on the edge of a cliff, then they are the ones who both fell off the tightrope and fell off the cliff.

In psychology, this kind of person is a dependent personality, whether it is work or life, the spirit of autonomy is relatively weak, and the sense of independence is poor.Its characteristics are as follows:
1. They have a special desire for intimacy and belonging, which are always unsatisfied, and often have nothing to do with real emotional dependence, but just do not want to be independent.

2. They would rather give up their dignity in order to depend on someone or something.

3. They can't think independently and innovate when they encounter things, and they just want to wait for the help of others.

4. In order to let others help them, they will restrain their own desires, or give up their own interests and like others' interests.

How to measure a person's maturity?See how much loneliness and tempering he can endure.Many people cannot bear the loneliness brought about by setbacks, indulge themselves to rely on the help of others, and wait for others to hand them straws every time there is a danger.No matter what this kind of person does, he is doomed to fail.

Chambers went bankrupt because of a financial storm.This hurricane took away all his savings, luxurious clothes, and it is very likely that it will also take away his big house that is always praised by his friends.In order to tide over the difficulties, Chambers had to consider selling the house and changing to a smaller one.Unfortunately, before the house was settled with his wife, the sewer pipe in the house burst, and it would cost $6000 to fix the pipe.They can't afford the money now, but except for the drinking water pipes, the bathing and toilets are all unusable at home.

How did Chambers do it?
He went to borrow the toilet from the first good friend, borrowed the washroom from the second friend, and then dragged his own bathtub to the lawn to wash clothes in the bathtub.All the friends found out that something was wrong with Chambers. How could he suddenly borrow things from other people's houses when he was such a face-saving and clean freak?And it's been going on for a week.

A careful friend asked Chambers: "Are you in financial trouble? We all know that the sewer pipe in your house is broken, but you have not repaired it until now. You know, the high-end jacuzzi in your house is better than the whole Sewer pipes are expensive!"

Another kind friend came directly to Chambers' home with a check.

Chambers firmly refused, telling his friends: "I did have financial problems, but I really can't lend you money. I'm a businessman, and financial problems can arise at any time. I need to be able to do it when it happens again." Be comfortable with it instead of relying on your rescue every time."

Chambers' problem was resolved a month later, and a bank loaned him a sum of money, so he kept his house, his dignity, and his willpower to resist risks.

Now, Chambers is an investment consultant for our ONG branch in San Francisco, specializing in finding small and medium-sized companies in the media industry for long-term investment.It was his experience that moved me and made me decide to hire him without hesitation.Because in him, he embodies a kind of independent and optimistic strength, which is a very important quality no matter for investment or any other field.

The idea of ​​"depending on others" will make people lazy, incapable of independence, lack of sense of responsibility, and greedy for pleasure.These bad qualities often co-occur in one person at the same time, so that the person seems "bad."When the dependence first occurs, it just appears to be "not strong enough", as if it can be improved with a little adjustment, no big deal.But in the end, it will escalate into personality and mental defects, which will lead to the distortion of a person's values, and completely change his thinking and behavior patterns-he just wants to get something for nothing, and cannot adapt to the harsh environment. For one's own purpose, he does not hesitate to destroy the interests of others and endanger the public and society.

There is a person who has been smoking for 30 years, his dependence on cigarettes has reached the point of "die with it", don't want him to quit smoking.After finding out that he had lung cancer, he was able to quit smoking immediately and never relapsed. Until his death, he never smoked even a puff.

Why is this?What power changed him?Obviously, for the removal of some kind of dependence, only the stimulation of some kind of demand——under the condition of “strong demand” of consciousness, good results can be obtained.In general, we don't realize this yet.People always negatively say to themselves: "I am such a character!" They keep accommodating their own habits, and let these dependent emotions continue to magnify.Only by facing it positively can we gain psychological motivation to actively change old habits and improve our working conditions.

Now, in our office a large number of groups are "mental parasites", their dependence manifests itself in: -
I don't want to use my own brain, I have a headache, ask someone for help!
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If I can't do well, there will always be someone who can do well, so it's better to pass the responsibility to him, so that I can relax.
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I couldn't have done it on my own without someone helping me.

This kind of "dependency" occurs most often among female employees and newcomers. They always hope that others will be with them, and it is best to directly handle everything for themselves.They are opportunistic, lazy to think, and rely on others to do their own thing.From the perspective of short-term effects, he can complete the work happily and easily, and can evade work responsibilities, but he always has such thoughts or adopts such methods. After a long time, firstly, this person becomes annoying, and secondly, he owes a lot. In debt of favor, the actual ability not only did not improve, but declined.

Therefore, it is not advisable to completely rely on others.In the workplace, you can seek help from others, but only if you really have no other way.Think for yourself first when you encounter something, and try to find a solution by yourself, so that you can develop the ability to solve problems independently, so you don't have to rely on others to live.

Here are a few tips for overcoming dependence:

Ask others for advice instead of asking for help
It's not that you can't solve many things, it's just that you haven't found the right method and idea.When you encounter a problem, if you ask others for help, you must remember to seek solutions or suggestions instead of asking the other party to help you solve it directly.Handle your own difficulties by yourself, so that you can develop the habit of self-reliance.

Cultivate the ability to draw inferences from one example

The solutions to many things are widely applicable. If you learn this method, you can apply it to other similar problems and make it a reference model.In this process, we must pay attention to innovation, not be rigid and dogmatic, but learn and use it flexibly to stimulate our creativity.

help others
If you want others to help you, you must first learn to help others.This will not only cultivate your good popularity, but also give you a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction, and improve your self-identity.At the same time, it is conducive to getting rid of the impression of "weakness" and slowly gaining the respect and recognition of others.

ability to question

When some people in the workplace seek advice from authorities, they often dare not raise their own doubts.In fact, this is just an opportunity to reflect your self-awareness. If you ask questions appropriately, it will make the other party feel that you have thought carefully and are a thoughtful person.

be tolerant
Where there is pressure, there is competition. Be grateful to those who help you. For those who hurt you, you must learn to think from another angle and always maintain a tolerant heart.

"Dependency" Test

At work, we attach great importance to teamwork and coordination, but relying too much on others is dependence. According to the following test, you can understand your "dependence" index.

Where do you put your hands when you ride someone else's motorcycle?

A. Leaning on the handrail behind the motorcycle

B. Hold the rider's waist

C. Put it on your lap
D. Hugging the cyclist tightly

A. Leaning on the handrail behind the motorcycle

You are a very independent person, not very dependent on others, and you can calmly analyze and deal with problems when you encounter problems, and you can cope with everything alone, giving people the impression of being decisive and capable.

B. Hold the rider's waist

On the surface you are a very independent person, and you rarely ask others for help, but in fact your heart is relatively fragile.Every time you encounter a problem, on the surface you try to deal with it by yourself, but in your heart you really hope that someone will lend a helping hand to solve it all for you.This kind of thinking has existed for a long time, but you may have a better face and will not easily ask others for help.You should be stronger and believe in yourself.

C. Put it on your lap
You are basically not dependent on others, and there are many people who feel dependent on you.In life, you are maverick, have outstanding abilities, and like to speak with facts rather than through those heresy.When communicating with others, you will not easily communicate too deeply, but keep an appropriate distance, and have your own ideas and opinions in everything.But your overly independent personality makes you rarely have close friends, and others will have a sense of distance from you more or less.You like to take on the work alone, and you resent it when someone else sabotages your progress and interferes with your work.You need to be tolerant and try to cooperate with others. After all, it is more about team fighting now, and it is easy to get hurt alone.

D. Hugging the cyclist tightly

You are extremely dependent on others and insecure.At work, you are particularly afraid of taking on the work yourself, unable to be alone, and afraid to take on job responsibilities. Whenever you encounter problems, you immediately ask others for help.In the eyes of others, you are a bit "annoying" person. Although some people agree to your help, they already avoid you in their hearts.

Such a person, no matter where they are placed, is not likable. In the long run, people will not be willing to work with you as a team, because you will only increase the workload of others, but you will not be able to help.Therefore, you have to realize this problem as soon as possible, and make yourself a person who can help others, not a "cargo" on the back seat of someone else's bicycle.

Emotional Self-Management Course
control dependence
Get rid of numbness: Numbness is a state that people enjoy, they are insensitive to any bad state of themselves.They may even say: "What's the matter? I don't care." People who are heavily dependent on emotions have a kind of numbness, just like patients who have been injected with anesthesia. Although the pain level is already high, they don't care. unconscious.

Say goodbye to ease: ease can only make us lose our courage, you must insulate from ease.

A person who yearns for ease must be a person who is very emotionally dependent. They don’t have to climb out in order to stay in a state of ease, and they will become dependent on others—everything is expected to be done by others, and everything must be enough. A sense of security, otherwise I would not dare to do it, just like a child who has not been weaned.

Analyze the cause: You have to know how to analyze the cause-what made me suffer from dependence?Just like a hunter, master the ability to track and trace, distinguish different dependence manifestations, and know exactly what is happening to yourself, so that you can find a key to solve the problem instead of watching it in a daze. You grow and grow inside you, controlling the center of your mind.

Take the first step: When you know what to do to improve the current situation, don't hesitate and don't wait any longer.Do you have a good plan?If not, do it immediately; if you have it, act immediately.In short, we can solve anything by taking the first step.Don't be the "idiot who just sits in the conference room and listen to what others say" in the eyes of others, take your own steps, and let others follow you from now on!
◎Keep complaints out of the house

According to a survey, complaining has become one of the most typical chronic diseases in today's society.More than 5% of professionals complain every day, and some serious people complain at least [-] times a day.Complaining has not only become a disease, but also a habit and instinct of people.Just like smoking a cigarette, people take it out and "take a sip" whenever they are in a bad mood.

Judy is a nurse in a private hospital. If she wants to say what she is best at, it is non-stop nagging. She can complain for a whole day without repeating the same thing, making everyone who listens to her nervous breakdown and want to hold her head and flee.
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My three kids are always wreaking havoc in the community, getting D's in school, and embarrassing me.
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My husband has never been in the kitchen except to play with the broken car he bought in the second-hand market.
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My mother was a nasty alcoholic and often made me pay off her gambling debts.

……

You only need to talk to her for five minutes, or even look at her, and you'll realize that the woman standing right in front of you babbling away is a miserable woman—perhaps the unluckiest woman in America.But is Judy really that unlucky?Did she win the devil's prize?Let's listen to what other colleagues in the hospital have to say:——
Judy's husband is so loyal.All the income of the family has always been handed over to her directly, and he can repair cars. A second-hand car can be repaired at the speed of a sports car. He is also very polite and always greets you with a smile.

(End of this chapter)