I was just fishing, how did I become a Great Old One?

Above Site-19 in the SCP Foundation's main universe.

"when--"

A dull bell tolled, signaling the death knell of reality.

The sky, which should have been the dead of night, was now covered in a sickly, viscous crimson. It wasn't light; it was blood.

The clouds churned, and seven enormous, rusty black chains, entwined with thorns and wailing, descended from the depths of the void, piercing deep into the dimensional barrier of the earth.

At the end of each chain hung a twisted, runic halo that exuded an aura of despair.

Those are the Seven Seals.

It is also a tragic song of seven brides.

[K-level alert upgraded! XK-level doomsday scenario confirmed!]

[Entity ID: SCP-001 · The Scarlet King.]

[Current Status: Containment completely compromised. Procedure 110-Montauk...invalid.]

[Reality Hume Index: Zero.]

……

"It's over..."

The Site-19 supervisor slumped into a chair in the command center, staring at the hellish scene on the screen.

"The Crimson King... has truly arrived."

"That was the tyrant of the old era, the scream of the pre-modern era."

"No force can stop him..."

"Sizzle sizzle—"

The screen image began to distort.

Amidst the crimson sky, a grand, tyrannical, and majestic voice resounded directly in the minds of every living being on Earth.

"I am... one of the forgotten."

"I am... the Red of Destruction."

"Order is a lie...civilization is a shackle..."

"Only suffering... is the eternal truth."

"Kneel down... you insects."

"Welcome, Your Majesty."

……

"king?"

Just when all of humanity was plunged into panic and despair.

An untimely, somewhat critical voice shattered the sacred sense of terror.

"This is way too...famous!"

Jiang Li stood on the roof of Site-19.

He was holding the newly acquired "McKahn's Gift" (a chainsaw).

He looked up at the sky filled with red light and the seven enormous runic halos.

"This shade of red..."

Jiang Li narrowed his eyes and activated the Eye of Gluttony.

[Ingredient: Crimson King (projector)]

[Ingredients: High concentration of "anger," years of "resentment," and a large amount of "tyrannical" rules.]

[Structure: Seven layers of seals, like seven layers of flaky pastry.]

[Review: This is more than just a cake. This is... the ultimate sweet and spicy mille-feuille.]

……

"Er Gou" (Second Dog).

Jiang Li turned to look at the husky beside him.

Do you prefer sweet or spicy food?

"Woof!"

(I want them all!)

"it is good."

Jiang Li nodded.

"Then let's make a... spicy red velvet mille-feuille cake."

……

First wave of attack: The arrival of Leviathan.

"roar----!!"

With the arrival of the Crimson King, countless enormous black shadows surged forth from the seven runic halos.

That's Leviathans.

The offspring of the Crimson King are all the size to destroy a city, covered in bone spurs and tentacles.

They roared as they charged toward Site-19, trying to tear apart this fortress of "order".

……

"These are your soldiers?"

Jiang Li looked at the giant beasts rushing towards him.

Laughed.

He raised the chainsaw-like kitchen knife in his hand.

"Buzz——————"

As psionic energy was injected, the steampunk-style cleaver's internal gears began to spin wildly, emitting a roar like an engine.

"The knife that my old friend McCann gave me... hasn't seen any blood yet."

"today……"

"I'll use you all... as a test subject!"

……

[Culinary Skill: The Ultimate Crushing Technique - Fully Automatic Slicing.]

Jiang Li's figure disappeared.

Instead, a storm of silvery-white blades, brimming with the beauty of precise mechanics, appeared.

"Sizzle sizzle sizzle—!!"

The Leviathans at the very front didn't even have time to react.

It fell apart in mid-air.

It wasn't an explosion.

It has been deconstructed.

Skin is skin, flesh is flesh, and bone is bone.

The cuts are as smooth as a mirror, and the thickness of each slice of meat is precise to the micrometer level.

"Ding! Obtained: 1000 tons of Leviathan Sashimi"

"Ding! You have obtained: 500 Leviathan Ribs."

……

"A fine knife!"

Jiang Li appeared in the air, stroking the kitchen knife that was still spinning at high speed.

"Automatic target acquisition, automatic cutting, and automatic edge sealing and water sealing."

"The technology of the God of Machines... is indeed hardcore."

He shouted towards the cafeteria below:

"096! 682! Don't just sit idle!"

"Receive the goods!!"

"roar!!"

SCP-096 (now in its muscular form) excitedly jumped onto the roof, opened its mouth wide, and precisely caught a piece of meat falling from the sky.

SCP-682 is responsible for collecting the bones below (it now loves to eat bones too).

……

The king's wrath.

The fact that his own offspring were instantly sliced ​​into pieces completely enraged the Crimson King.

"mortal!!"

"How dare you desecrate the King's bloodline!!"

The seven chains in the sky trembled violently.

The enormous red figure finally revealed its true form.

He wore a crown of thorns and a scarlet robe, and his seven eyes burned with the fires of hell.

He stretched out a hand large enough to crush the moon and reached out to grab Jiang Li.

"I'm going to grind you... into powder!!"

As he moved, the surrounding space began to collapse.

"It hurts...it hurts so much..."

The auditory hallucinations resounded in the minds of countless people; they were the existential pain brought about by the Crimson King.

……

"pain?"

Jiang Li faced that enormous, all-encompassing hand.

There was no backing down.

Instead... he took out an egg beater (also one of the kitchenware sets given by McCann, with a rotating drill bit at the top).

"Pain is also a flavor."

"It's like...bitter coffee."

"Only after being dealt with..."

"Only then can it become...sweet cream."

……

[Cooking Skills: Conceptual Approach, Painful Transformation]

"The Dharma Form of Heaven and Earth!!"

Behind Jiang Li, the Godhood of Gluttony manifested.

This time, the deity transformed into a black giant wielding a giant egg beater.

"Buzz——————"

The whisk spun at high speed, creating a whirlwind of frenzied eating.

They ran head-on into the Crimson King's massive hand.

"Sizzle sizzle sizzle sizzle————"

There was no explosion.

All that could be heard was the sickening sound of stirring.

The Crimson King's palm, composed of the energy of "pain" and "destruction".

Stirred by the whisk.

It's starting to...bubble?

That's right.

It's like whipping egg whites.

The originally heavy, oppressive dark red energy.

It became... fluffy, light, and pink.

……

"What...what is this?!"

The Crimson King was horrified to discover that his power was spiraling out of control.

That urge to destroy everything is turning into a... weak, powerless feeling.

"What did you do?!"

"It's nothing."

Jiang Li answered while stirring frantically.

"Just to inflate your tires a bit."

"This texture..."

"Call her... Mousse."

……

Making a seven-layer cake.

"Ergou! You're getting a sore throat!"

"Woof!"

Er Gou spewed out Xel'Naga fire, baking the "Crimson Mousse" that had been prepared.

"First layer! Angry Mousse!"

"Second layer! Desperate chiffon cake!"

"The third layer! Tyranny Jam!"

Jiang Li's movements were so fast that they were impossible to see.

He utilized the Crimson King's seven seals.

This supreme divinity was forcibly...

Split.

Reorganization.

Stacking.

The Crimson King's originally enormous body was forced to transform into layer upon layer of... cake base under the suppression of Jiang Li's "cooking rules".

"ah!!!"

The Crimson King's screams echoed through the sky.

"I am the king! I am eternity! I am not dessert!!"

"Who are you."

Jiang Li delivered the final blow.

"Snapped!"

Pack the seven-layer cake firmly.

"Now……"

"You are... Crimson Ace - Limited Edition Red Velvet Mille Crepe."

……

The final piece of the puzzle: cream.

The cake is ready.

A massive, kilometer-high red cake tower stands in the plaza of Site-19.

It exudes a strange smell that is a mixture of blood and sweetness.

"There's one last thing missing."

Jiang Li looked at the bare cake.

"A cake without cream is a soulless cake."

"but……"

"The Crimson King is too spicy and too bitter."

"It needs an extreme sweetness, an extreme joy, to balance it out."

Jiang Li turned to look at a containment chamber on Site-19.

There.

There's a little guy locked up.

SCP-999.

The Tickle Monster.

A clump of orange-yellow, jelly-like creature. It can bring immense joy and happiness to anyone who comes into contact with it.

and.

According to legend.

It is the child of the Crimson King (his seventh child).

He is also the prophesied son destined to defeat the Crimson King.

……

"Little guy."

Jiang Li teleported to SCP-999's front.

999 is happily eating a bowl of M&M's.

Upon seeing Jiang Li, it made a happy "gurgling" sound and stretched out its tentacles, wanting to give him a hug.

"Would you like some... an even bigger dessert?"

Jiang Li pointed to the huge red cake outside.

That's your father.

"But now..."

"It's... strawberry flavored."

……

"Gurgle?"

999 tilted its head (if it had a head).

It smelled the cake.

Although that was the Crimson King, it was its nightmare.

But under Jiang Li's cooking...

That flavor... was only sweet.

999's eyes lit up.

It nodded.

"Gulp!!"

(I want to eat it!)

……

Let's go!

Jiang Li grabbed 999.

Teleport back to the battlefield.

"Go! Pikachu... no, go! Cream Bomb!"

Jiang Li threw it with all his might.

The SCP-999, which was only the size of a washbasin, was thrown at the red cake that was a kilometer high.

……

A moment of parental love and filial piety.

"That's...that bastard?!"

The Crimson King, who had been turned into a cake but still retained his consciousness, saw 999 flying towards him.

"Get out of here!!"

"I am your father! I am fear!!"

however.

999 was in the air when it received the blessing of the Gluttony God.

Its body... melted.

It turned into a... huge, golden, joyful... lava cheese cream.

"Splash—"

This blob of cream was poured over the top of the cake.

It instantly covered the entire Crimson King.

……

A happy balance.

"Sizzle sizzle—"

When 999, representing "ultimate happiness," met Crimson King, representing "ultimate pain."

A wonderful chemical reaction occurred.

The pain was soothed.

The anger melted away.

The tyranny was overthrown.

The Crimson King's scarlet body, wrapped in cream, slowly turned into... pink.

"No...this feeling..."

The Crimson King's voice became soft and sweet.

"It's so...it's so itchy..."

"I...want to laugh..."

"Haha...hahahaha..."

It was accompanied by a deafening burst of laughter.

The Crimson King's world-destroying will... collapsed.

He was overwhelmed with sweetness by his son.

……

"Perfect."

Jiang Li looked at the [Crimson, Joyful, Red Velvet Lava Cake] in front of her, which had been completely formed and was exuding an incredibly happy aroma.

He snapped his fingers.

"This is..."

"The fulfillment of the prophecy."

"Conquer hate with love (and cream)."

"certainly……"

"And binge eating."

……

Everyone shared the cake.

"Dinner's ready!!!"

Jiang Li roared.

"Time to cut the cake!"

He wielded a chainsaw-like cleaver, cutting the enormous cake into pieces.

"Give this piece to the O5 Council! Let them brush up on their brains!"

"This piece! 682! A reward for picking up the bone earlier!"

"This one! Give it to 096! Remember to deliver the takeout after you finish eating!"

……

The evolution of SCP-999.

It consumed (and fused with) the Crimson King's SCP-999.

It re-coagulates and takes shape.

But it's no longer that little jelly.

It transformed into a... gigantic, holy golden, crowned... Super Jelly King.

It let out a burp.

"Gurgle—"

It not only inherited its father's strength.

more importantly.

It transformed all of these powers... into happiness.

It is now.

Just a slight shake.

People all over the world would burst out laughing.

……

"Well done."

Jiang Li patted 999's bouncy belly.

"It seems this universe..."

"I don't have to worry about depression anymore."

……

The prelude to parting.

We finished eating the cake.

A grand celebration was held at Site-19.

Dr. Bright tried to smear cake on 173's face and nearly broke his neck (luckily, 173 now prefers mashing garlic).

Dr. Clef was drunk and was singing love songs while holding a ukulele.

The entire SCP universe's style has been completely distorted.

……

"It's time to go."

Jiang Li stood on the deck of the Gluttony.

Look at this group of people below, who are no longer afraid, but are immersed in food and happiness.

"The ingredients here are (abnormal)..."

"It's almost all been eaten."

"and……"

Jiang Li took out the invitation letter from Abaddon that he had received in Amagiton.

Then he took out another piece... a fragment that glowed with a ghostly blue light.

That was something that fell out of the dimensional rift when he was cutting down the Crimson King.

[Item: AllSpark Fragment?]

[Source: Transformers Universe (Cybertron)]

[Note: This thing... seems to be able to bring machines to life?]

……

"mechanical?"

Jiang Li looked back at the chainsaw kitchen knife that McCann had given him.

I took another look at the biological warship.

"if……"

"Feed this to Gluttony..."

"or……"

"To that world where everyone's an Autobot..."

"How about setting up a... fully automated barbecue stand?"

Jiang Li's lips curled up.

"Swann! Start the engine!"

"Next stop!"

"Cybertron!"

"Let's go eat...a buffet that smells like engine oil!"