Crazy Nezha

Xincheng North Ring Road is lined with crisscrossing overpasses above and green belts below, with holly trees that are more than half a person tall.

Li Tianbao squatted in the green belt, parting the holly trees. On the intercity expressway, cars sped by.

The cow was hiding in the grass, with the celestial dog lying beside it.

"You guys stay here, I'm going to buy a bottle of water!"

The Celestial Hound said, "Third Master, if all else fails, let's confront the Public Security Bureau. I'll write a poem, 'Moonlight before my bed...' with my paws and make Leopard Head stand up and dance! Just imagine, a cow will obey your commands and even stand upright. You can openly declare yourself the reincarnation of Nezha, shocking the entire court!"

"No! It's not the right time yet!" Li Tianbao said decisively.

The Celestial Dog asked, "Then what do we do? What are you thinking?"

Li Tianbao: "My magical power is too weak right now. Last night when I was meditating, I felt the immortal energy in my mind becoming increasingly restless! I need to find a place to cultivate in peace and quiet!"

At this moment, a police car stopped by the roadside. Chen Rui got out of the car, turned around and said something to her colleague inside, and then walked over quickly.

"Li Tianbao!"

Feeling agitated, Li Tianbao stood up and yelled, "What are you doing?!"

Chen Rui was furious. "The meat processing plant has reported it to the police! Li Tianbao, the meat processing plant is going to sue you! You took their cow, and the surveillance cameras have it all clearly recorded!"

Li Tianbao remained unusually calm and said indifferently, "I'll pay the compensation."

Chen Rui said seriously, "Now it's not about whether or not to pay compensation. The factory manager also said that you impersonated a reporter and damaged their factory's reputation. The dairy cows are worth 1.8 to 2.5 yuan on the market, which has already reached the threshold for filing a case. If the meat processing plant insists on filing a criminal case, the possibility of being sentenced is extremely high."

"And then there's your impersonation of a journalist... If these two charges are combined, and you're punished for multiple offenses..."

Li Tianbao acted like a dead pig that wasn't afraid of boiling water.

Chen Rui earnestly advised, "Let's talk to them nicely, maybe we can settle this privately! If we're nice, we can compensate them with the cow and some money, and I'll help you smooth things over. It shouldn't be a big problem."

Li Tianbao waved his hands repeatedly, "We can't give them the cows. If we give them the cows, they'll just become sausages!"

"Do you even have a choice, Li Tianbao?!" Chen Rui roared.

Li Tianbao pulled out an ID card and slapped it into Chen Rui's palm: "I have this! What am I afraid of? Let them sue me!"

Chen Rui discovered it was a mental illness certificate and her beautiful eyes widened: "When was this certificate issued?"

Li Tianbao interrupted, "I have a mental illness, I have a very serious mental illness! Mentally ill people are not held legally responsible!"

Chen Rui immediately declared, "It's no use!"

"What's useless?"

Chen Rui, clutching the mental illness certificate, explained in a serious tone:

"There are four levels of mental illness, and the boundaries of legal responsibility are clearly defined. Only those with level one severe mental disorder, who have lost the ability to recognize and control themselves, and who are confirmed by a forensic psychiatric evaluation, can be exempted from criminal responsibility."

She tapped the level column on the certificate with her fingertip, looked at Li Tianbao who looked indifferent, and explained, "Your condition is level four mild mental disorder, which is far from meeting the legal standard for exemption from liability."

Li Tianbao raised one eyebrow and lowered the other, looking quite disdainful, and said, "So, you're saying I'm not sick enough? Not lawless enough!"

Chen Rui was completely bewildered. "What kind of logic is that?"

Li Tianbao sighed, "Alright, I'll go settle this with him privately. You can go back first."

"Come with me."

Li Tianbao's eyes softened. "I'll lead the cow back to my second uncle's place first, and we'll talk about it when I get home."

Chen Rui looked into Li Tianbao's eyes, bit her lip, and after a long while said, "Okay, I'll believe you one last time! We'll talk about it when we get home."

"Let's go, it's alright, Chen Rui, I'm really fine," Li Tianbao said with a smile.

Chen Rui kept turning back as she went, saying, "I'm going to my workplace first to have a good talk with the meat processing plant boss. You go home and wait for me! Listen to me on this!"

"Hmm!" Li Tianbao waved his hand. "Chen Rui, actually I was just teasing you. I'm not sick. That certificate was a fake one I bought online, just to annoy my dad."

"Li Tianbao, I won't give up on you! Go home!" Chen Rui quickened her pace and returned to the police car. A moment later, the police car drove away.

After Chen Rui left, the smile on Li Tianbao's face faded, and he became serious.

"Leopard Head is doomed."

The celestial dog asked, "Then what should I do?"

"You're a dog, I'm not too worried about you. You can stay at my second uncle's place. What I'm worried about is Leopard Head! You can't hide anymore, so why don't you..." A cruel look appeared in Li Tianbao's eyes!

Li Tianbao said, "You've all said that whether it's a human, a spirit, an animal, or an immortal, everyone has a primordial spirit, which is hidden in the Heavenly Heart, which is in the brain. I ate the leopard's brain, and with his primordial spirit, I'm going to find a new spirit beast body!"

Leopard Head, panting, said, "Third Prince, if you ate my brain, I'd believe you!"

The celestial dog walked over and licked the cow's head, its meaning unspoken. Though he wasn't technically husband and wife with this cow, they had been intimately connected, and he felt a pang of sadness.

Leopard Head's eyes were filled with complex emotions. "Brother Xiaotian, don't be sad. If I could, I would be willing to be a dog."

Xiaotian: "Third Master already has a dog, so let's just be sheep instead."

Where's the cat?

"A cat won't do, a cat is too small."

"What are you two talking about?" Li Tianbao frowned. "It would be great if we could really find the spirit beast cat. Strange animals like that are hard to explain to people."

Leopard Head said, "Third Master, give me a quick death! Stab the big tendon at the back of my neck!"

"Your head is so big, how am I supposed to bite it? Do you think you're a fish?!" Li Tianbao saw a hardware store on the side of the road in the suburbs!

"Wait here for me!"

Li Tianbao crossed the road and arrived at the hardware store, whose sign read "Golden Bull Tools World". The shelves were filled with all kinds of tools.

"Boss, do you have a chainsaw?"

"A hand saw?" The shop owner, who was looking at his tablet, enthusiastically introduced the product upon seeing a customer. "What do you need it for?"

"Bone...wood, for renovations, I need good quality." Li Tianbao casually started selecting.

The shopkeeper took a silver-gray chainsaw off the shelf, weighed it in his hand, and handed it over: "Take a look at this! Imported mechanism, pure copper motor, saws hardwood like cutting tofu. Experienced carpenters love using this; it has a long battery life."

Li Tianbao took it and tried it out; it felt heavy and substantial. The shopkeeper added, "A few days ago, a renovation team just got one, and they all said this saw is powerful, whether for cutting or trimming. You in the renovation business should understand the value of this brand!"

Li Tianbao didn't waste any words and nodded, saying, "That's it. How much?"

"800!"

After paying, Li Tianbao asked again, "Boss, where nearby can I buy an alcohol burner and a stainless steel basin?"

"An alcohol stove?" The shopkeeper pointed to the outdoor gear store across the street. "They have all kinds of portable alcohol stoves for camping, and stainless steel basins, in all sizes. Are you going to cook for yourself on the construction site after the renovations are finished?"

Li Tianbao mumbled an answer, "Yeah, I don't like takeout." He immediately pressed the switch on the chainsaw, and with a crisp "hum," the gears spun at high speed, full of power. After confirming that there was power, he turned it off.

Carrying a chainsaw across the street, I found a camping alcohol stove at an outdoor store nearby, along with two boxes of solid alcohol, a deep stainless steel basin, and finally a large one-liter bottle of mineral water at a roadside convenience store.

Li Tianbao didn't linger. When he returned to the overpass carrying the bulging plastic bag...

Leopard Head and Howling Dog squatted to the side, watching their surroundings warily. When they saw him return, they immediately stood up and went to greet him.

"Let's find a secluded place to have brain surgery and eat its contents!"