I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

I opened my eyes slightly, only to be greeted by a sky that was slightly gloomy, yet still shimmering with sunlight. Without a care for the dust on the floor, or the teacher in the classroom, I acted on a whim and skipped class to the rooftop of the teaching building...to sleep or something...

Anyway, I just closed my eyes and lay on the ground. It was like imitating a corpse or something... If I could steal some chalk while skipping class, I could draw a white line around my body, so I could leave a mark.

"Oh..."

Could this be what they mean when they say "leave my mark on the world"?

"...That's impossible..."

For them, leaving a mark on the world probably simply means becoming famous and being remembered. But the human brain has limited capacity, and the annals of history are simply too many people to record... Therefore, most people find it difficult to leave a mark, and ultimately give up on it, simply hoping to live a normal life.

And I'm just someone who wanted a normal life from the beginning.

“…”

However, things have now increasingly shifted towards those who pursue truth. To others, this statement might sound a bit childish. But what's wrong with pursuing truth? Everything in the world should follow a certain pattern, and this pattern is truth.

When I realized that something like that existed, I wanted to find some reference to it from the events around me. So, I greedily wanted to use my body to experience everything in the world, whether it was something I wanted to encounter or not.

After seeing, hearing, and even experiencing all kinds of things, I suddenly realized...the so-called face of truth may be composed of the simplest answers.

"...I might have been lying from the beginning..."

There are some things I've known the answers to for a long time. But for some reason, I've been unwilling to admit it, always hoping I'm right... But even with that hope, the passage of time forces me to face it.

I raised my hands, trying to cover the sky in front of me.

When it's very close to my eyes, I only see what I want to see... When I have to take it away, I suddenly realize that this is not the case. And the sky that I have blocked has always been there.

........

It was late at night, but...beside his bed, there was no one he could rely on except the desk lamp that was always on, which gave him a little sense of security.

His parents, driven by work, wouldn't return home until the wee hours of the morning. Since he was old enough to live independently, the young boy had to return home after dinner at his cousin's house. He would lock himself in his room, making up stories to ward off the inexplicable fear of the night that plagued him from childhood.

Why not just stay overnight at a relative's house?

Although he had such thoughts, he couldn't face the cousin who made him feel alienated. Besides, the place was a bit far from his school, and he was almost used to the feeling of being alone at home.

"...Do you like heroes..."

It would be great if my dad was worried about me and gave up his job to stay at home with me all the time... He thought so, and with the help of a dictionary, he wrote down his idea stroke by stroke in his diary.

If it were him, he would tell me gently...what I did was what I should do.

Thinking this, he glanced at his arms and knees, which were covered in Band-Aids. On the bedside table were unused cotton swabs and alcohol. He had scavenged these from his medicine cabinet at home.

"...Let me tell you a story..."

He muttered to himself, a lonely voice echoing in his ears for a moment before fading away. But in his mind, the same words as his father's voice appeared.

It doesn’t matter if no one believes it, as long as I believe it, that’s enough.

He imagined how his gentle father would say words of comfort to him. He also imagined that if his father was responsible for taking care of him at home, would he handsomely choke off those two unreasonable guys?

Instead of just pretending to be away from home to avoid the angry arguments of his opponent's parents, he wanted to rely on his parents at home if possible. Even if it meant sacrificing his favorite pudding, he wanted to rely on others a little.

However, there was no such opportunity.

I can't even rely on myself.

“…”

Because he couldn't make up stories. He wanted to make up a story to comfort himself, but he couldn't do it.

He was just an elementary school student and didn't have that ability at all.

So, he opened the comics that had also been set aside, selected a story he liked, summarized it into a synopsis, and recorded it in his diary.

He would surely comfort me...with stories like this...to keep me going. With this hope in his heart, he finally forgot his fear of the night, the loneliness of being alone, and the fact that he was still alone. And just like that, he drifted off to a deep sleep in his own bed.

The time he spent like this was forgotten as he gradually grew accustomed to solitude. Those memories were merely illusions created by revisiting his childhood diary.

From the time he was born to a certain moment, he was no longer cared for by the people around him.

Until she showed up.

——[He hadn’t gotten used to it at that time]

淳念

It turns out that Rinsenkawa didn't come to school today. Although the homeroom teacher said she was sick, I think she probably had a headache... Well, I think her sister and I are the only ones who know the truth.

"Ah... By the way, there's something about her..."

Yesterday, I heard from Rinsenkawa why she's feeling down. Even if she didn't formally ask me for help, she might still want me to confirm Rinsenkawa's true feelings...

No, that wasn't necessarily the case. The two of them had already exchanged ideas during their conversation, so confirming them was unnecessary. The only thing she couldn't figure out was whether she could accept this outcome.

"...What a heavy burden of love..."

If it were me, I wouldn't be able to accept it so easily. Even if I'm told not to worry and to do whatever I want, I wouldn't be able to accept happiness gained at the expense of others. It's like I've unintentionally taken away someone else's right to happiness... Accepting favors from others is not easy. Especially since it came from my sister, with whom I've always had a difficult relationship. The guilt I already felt was magnified.

But fortunately, she was able to come to me and say those words.

"...Isn't it much better if I say it this way..."

Even if you just tell it to me.

I will convey this message exactly as it should be to the person it should be conveyed to... Sisters who have always wanted to understand each other, now is the time to open up to each other.

"Hmm...wait—"

Without my knowledge, the relationship between the two of them seemed to have eased a lot.

Suddenly realizing this, I looked at the buildings in the distance and couldn't help but smile. It's wonderful to think that everyone around me is trying to get closer to the happiness I long for...

Chapter 12: Chun Nian

Aside from the class leaders, I seemed to be the one who frequented the staff office the most in the class. However, judging by the reason, this wasn't something to be proud of.

"Don't let me receive reports from other teachers saying that you are absent from class without reason." Brother Nan looked no different from usual.

The reason I say there's no difference is because I've seen that impatient expression so many times. And almost every time, he's called in for a lecture as if it were just a formality. Although I haven't confirmed it, I personally believe it's just for the teacher in the next office to see.

"Your history teacher is very angry."

"...Will this class be impossible to carry on without me?"

Although I knew that Sister Nan didn't necessarily mean for me to repent, I still wanted to argue with her out of habit.

"Well, that's not the case."

"In that case, why do you insist on making me sit in the classroom?"

"Then you can go out and attend classes... provided that it's in my class."

"That's not necessary. I really enjoy listening to your lectures, Teacher Nan." It wasn't a false compliment, it was indeed true... I could fall asleep faster listening to her lectures.

"Stop using those sweet words," she said, gesturing to stop. "I don't know what your excuse is, but the teacher is in a bad mood because of you. If I can't teach well, it will affect the students in the classroom."

"Teachers who let their mood determine the quality of their teaching are the scum of the earth."

"What lies are you talking about?" Brother Nan said that he didn't quite understand what he had just said.

"It's nothing... I just feel that teachers, whose mission is to teach and educate, no longer need to focus on educating people. They can't even teach properly. They're really unworthy of their job as teachers if they don't teach properly just because students skip classes or ask for leave."

"...Respect is mutual. It's normal to get angry at people who don't respect your hard work and success."

"If I ever work in the restaurant industry, I'll force my customers to finish their meals. Because it's the fruit of my labor, and not finishing it is disrespectful to me... And if the customer insists on disrespecting me, I can ask them to pay me more money to compensate for my emotional loss. Is that right?"

"...You're such a sophistry guy." As if she was used to it, she looked like she didn't want to flick my forehead again. "Even if it's a little respect for the elderly... Don't do that again. Is this considered a moral principle?"

"...Well, since Teacher Nan said so...then I will definitely pay attention." The premise is that I really have nothing else to do.

"Another point."

"Um?"

Seeing that I was about to leave, she seemed to have thought of something and suddenly called me.

"Although you're one of the few students I've truly liked in recent years, other teachers don't think so... Other teachers wouldn't have listened to the conversation just now so calmly."

"..."

I knew this, so...it was only when I was with her that I put aside my timidity about my position as a teacher and spoke boldly. This was something I had never imagined, and now that I think about it, it's truly incredible.

"If you have anything to say in defense, hold it in front of the other teachers. You don't want to be sent to the principal's office and suspended for a few days, do you?"

"Hmm..." Actually, I didn't care, but for Brother Nan's sake, I nodded.

"The cultural exhibition will be held soon. Please don't cause me any more trouble before then."

"ok, I get it."

"..."

However, after the conversation ended, she just looked at me silently without saying anything like "You can go now", which made it difficult for me to take the initiative to walk away.

"...Um, teacher...can I go now?"

"...Yeah. Actually, I was thinking about something."

"Let me ask you, is this a question about me?"

"I guess so." She looked very conflicted.

"...So...what about the content? Could you tell me?"

"......"

Her brows, which were rarely furrowed, were still pressed together, and her eyes were fixed on me. However, I knew that it was not my attire that caught her attention.

"...Isn't it a bit inappropriate for me to let you sleep, daydream, or even skip classes like this?"

???! ??!

What is she saying?

"Well... there's no need to make it so serious... those were just occasional situations."

Nan, who never really cared about these things, suddenly wanted to investigate. In my opinion, this was not only quite unusual. It also meant that my parents would know about my current situation at school, which was absolutely unacceptable.

"...Having said that, seeing you're completely different than before... I'm a little worried. I have a feeling you'll do something drastic because of this."

"Huh? Is that so? How come I didn't know that?"

She responded like this because she had no idea what Brother Nan was trying to say.

"...Maybe it's just a thought without any reason." She sighed deeply. "After all, you're so different from other children. I'm worried about your current mental state. After thinking about it, I think it's best for you not to leave other people's sight at school."

"...Eh...Is it that serious?"

“Some things don’t develop as we imagined simply because they haven’t accumulated to a certain extent.”

"....ha?"

"Let me ask you, Sheji... Do you think I'm a good teacher?"

The question suddenly became serious.

I had no idea what her intentions were, nor did I know what I thought of her. Not to mention what kind of standards I had for evaluating the image of a teacher—for a moment, I was speechless, sweat quickly breaking out on my forehead and back—and a surge of nervousness washed over me.

"...yes."

In the end, I chose this answer.

"But the fact that I was lenient with you alone doesn't make me a good teacher."

"...How could that be? Even so...I haven't done anything excessive, nor have I embarrassed you." At most, my academic performance wasn't very good. "If you suddenly say that, I really don't know how to respond."

"...I'm just worried that you won't amount to anything after this."

"That's all my own fault. Teacher, you don't have to feel so guilty..."

"But I clearly think you have talent, but I don't know how to shape you. Isn't this the biggest dereliction of duty for my profession?"

"..."

"People always say... if you turn your hobby into a job, the boredom will eventually wear away your motivation. I've experienced this deeply... I still remember the reasons I wanted to become a teacher, but once I actually stepped into this profession, I realized... teaching and educating people is truly difficult."

"..."

"When upright ideals encounter a distorted reality, they always give way to the already established reality. After several years of service, I've seen many students... whether they have goals or not, whether they are obedient or not, whether they are difficult or docile... and of course there are also those with strong personalities like you."