Longmen Memoirs

"Nothing, just talking about your experience in the camp while you are no longer here, and then chatting about your views on the camp in the future."

Chen Mo said that Alina had already left when he came. Tallulah said that she still had classes in the afternoon. Alina, who was now serving as an education team for infected people, was very busy, although she no longer gave her the job of teaching the children. Others, but she is busier than before.

"I'm also worried that she won't like her current job. I've always wanted to introduce him to the soldiers, but she's been pushing it away."

"On the contrary, I think he enjoys it. Among ordinary infected people, her name may be more useful than yours."

"It was like this before."

"I thought you'd be curious?"

"What I have been worried about is whether it is right for me to take her on this road. When I took her away, she did not refuse, but I know that she actually just wanted to stay with me. She was deeply concerned about these things. Not that much perspective.”

Tallulah said this, her eyes fell on Chen Mo, her gray eyes were calm, she said nothing more, and the room fell into a brief silence.

"But in the end she still stayed. Whether it was because she had nowhere to go or because she wanted to accompany you. After all, it was you who got here together." Chen Mo said, "You have made many friends, Xiaota, Shuangxing, Ah Lina, and the snow monsters, after getting in touch with them during this period, I can see that they are all very good people. Before I found you, I was always worried about whether you were doing well, but now, I am relieved a lot of."

"...What about you?" Tallulah suddenly asked: "Are you the same as Alina? Do you...pity me? You are a liar."

"..."

"Why do you ask?"

"You chose to stay because of me. In fact, you know that I will not leave with you, but you still stayed." Tallulah said softly.

"Liar, you are indeed different. We are all different. We are no longer the same as in each other's memories. Would you be surprised? See me walking on this road, see me in Ursus and a group of people who have nowhere to go. Returnable infected people live together and try to resist our fate."

"You won't have such thoughts. It was like this when you were a child. Although you didn't say it, I can see that you never care about people and things that have nothing to do with you. You don't care about Chen Ye or the people in the orphanage. Others are, always have been.”

"You wouldn't help the infected because of how much they have suffered and suffered. You wouldn't risk everything for something wrong. You haven't thought about it that way." She said: "During this period I haven't thought about it like this since, and even if I know, I still don't want to think about why you stay."

"You are also infected, but you are different from me. Even if you are infected with Originium Disease, you can still live well on your own."

She did not avoid Chen Mo's gaze, but looked directly into his eyes.

She never escapes. Maybe to a certain extent, she is exactly the same as Chen. They are both stubborn and strong. I don't know who is imitating whom. Maybe it's just because they are both stubborn.

It's just that Chen never hides it, but she is different.

Chen Mo didn't answer.

In fact, he has many excuses to make. If Chen Mo thinks about it, he can give countless answers, but those answers are just lies after all, and lies will always be exposed.

"Then you want to hear my answer? What I think."

"Do not lie to me."

"I won't lie to you." Chen Mo said.

"I don't pity you, Tallulah. I don't pity a person who knows that the road ahead is difficult but still refuses to give up. I don't pity a person who fights to pursue his ideals and beliefs. Never."

"But I can't deny the disappointment in my heart, Tallulah. I can't deny that I don't want the person who takes this path to be you. I don't want you to become this kind of person."

"You are right, we are indeed different. How much we know each other now, there is not much left. After more than ten years, my memory of you has become blurry, and more than ten years later, you I don’t know anything about what you have experienced, what you have encountered, and what made you become what you are now.”

Chen Mo said: "...Similarly, how much do you know me now, Tallulah? You know what kind of person I have become and what I think in my heart."

"I told myself that these are not important. What is important is that we are both alive and can see each other again."

"But the reality is that we are inevitably unfamiliar with each other. This strangeness makes you and I helpless. I want to pretend to face you like I haven't seen you for a long time. Maybe like you, I haven't figured out how to use it. Come and get in touch with you now, a me who is strange to you, a you who is strange to me."

ps: Here it comes, Tallulah’s “Silently Guarding Chen Gui”

Chapter 36 Chen Ta Part Two ([-]): Don’t run away

After leaving Longmen, I told myself that I wanted to live.

I never thought that living would be so difficult. I never thought that just being able to breathe requires me to work hard. But even so, I still can't be sure to hold my life in my hands. .

I tell myself.

I want to survive, because there are still people waiting for me to go back, because I can't die yet, I have not thought about how I want to die, I can't let go of this world, and I can't let go of the people I have left in my memory.

But that's often the case.

Excessive reluctance makes people weak, and excessive longing consumes people's will. I failed to hold on to the most precious thing in my memory. I am becoming numb little by little, becoming the kind of person they need me to be.

I thought that was my ending.

Maybe from that moment on, I had unknowingly changed.

------

On the snow field.

The cold wind blew outside the house, and winter still hadn't passed. Occasionally, it would snow. In the snow, the infected people found a temporary habitat on the desolate frozen soil.

In the house, Chen Mo, who was sitting by the bed, looked at Tallulah, who was sitting on the bed. They looked at each other. The familiar scene looked like it had been many years ago, but the familiar people in their memories were no longer strangers, and they Facing each other, we can only vaguely find traces of the past from the increasingly unfamiliar faces.

Tallulah's hands were folded gently in front of the bed, and she listened quietly to Chen Mo's words.

She couldn't refute Chen Mo's words, because she had the same idea in her heart. Even if she lied to herself not to think that way, the reality was often the opposite.

She had not thought about how to contact Chen Mo now, so she hoped that he could stay in the camp when the guerrillas left. On the one hand, he was worried about leaving the camp and staying [~

Facing a friend who has been separated for more than ten years and thought he was familiar but has long been a stranger, maybe they are more than just friends. But more than ten years have passed, from children to adults. During this period of separation, those feelings hidden in the heart have been revealed. How much is left of the past?

Tallulah didn't know, and neither did she.

She didn't know where her path was leading to, she didn't know if she should be selfish and pretend not to know, just deceiving herself into leaving Chen Mo behind. She didn't know if she was reluctant or in love with Chen Mo.

They don't have much time left, how much time does the infected person have, and how much time does she have to spend on this.

Compared with ideals, these personal feelings are too insignificant, but their insignificance makes Tallulah reluctant to abandon them. She is reluctant to abandon them and at the same time makes herself hesitant.

She looked into Chen Mo's eyes, and there was nothing familiar to Tallulah in them.

She suddenly understood that there was something missing in Chen Mo's eyes.

What's missing?

Missing was something that was familiar to her when she was a child, missing was something that she thought was still there but had quietly disappeared.

Maybe that's okay, it's a normal thing

But she still felt sad, as if she had suddenly lost something in an instant. The emotions were stuck in her chest, some were sore, some stung, some made her overwhelmed, and some made her want to speak.

"yes."

In the end, she could only answer like this, without asking or mentioning anything else.

"But I can't turn back time."

Chen Mo said suddenly. Tallulah was stunned. She raised her head and saw the smile on Chen Mo's face.

It's been a long time since he smiled. He would smile back then. His smile was silly, making people feel that he was not bad-hearted, but now his smile is so plain.

Tallulah seemed to suddenly see the shadow of that boy in him, the boy she liked, the person he had been separated from for more than ten years and whom he thought he would never see again in this life.

He left himself without saying a word. He said he would come back, and he would definitely come back, but he left himself behind after all.

After he left, Tallulah's life suddenly lost a lot of color. She could no longer laugh as happily as when he was still there. Even though Hui Jie still came back, she was alone most of the time.

Sitting at the foot of the steps, watching the excitement on the swing under the oak tree, and looking at the tall buildings in Longmen City in the distance. When it started to rain lightly, she was the only one in the attic. It was so far over there, and the city in the hazy rain and fog seemed to be a A waking dream.

After waking up, she was still alone, no one loved, no one liked, and no one wanted her.

Tallulah didn't like that kind of life, maybe she could bear it, if she had never met that stupid liar, if he was still by her side, she would definitely be able to bear it.

She could endure growing up in Longmen like this. Even if she later found out what Wei Yanwu had done, she would still be able to face it. She could pretend not to know, she could, because he already had someone to accompany her, and because she was no longer alone in her life. , because she knew that there was still someone by her side.

She didn't hate it.

She has never hated why the liar left, or why the liar left her in Longmen. She has never hated these things. Maybe sometimes she will complain and can't help but complain.

Complaining about what he would do if his liar returned to Longmen and couldn't find him, and why the liar hadn't come to find him yet.

She has been waiting, in Longmen, in Ursus, she has been waiting year after year, waiting spring, summer, autumn and winter, watching herself in the mirror grow up little by little, watching her face change little by little. Mature, she still retained the short silver hair she had back then. She was afraid that the liar would not recognize her.

But he still didn't come.

When her expectations were dashed, and when she could no longer wait any longer, the liar did not come.

Could he have forgotten me?

Could he have gone back to Longmen?

Has he not come back yet?Do you already have someone you like?

Tallulah didn't want to think that way, but she still inevitably had these thoughts, because when she grew up, she understood, or rather she always understood, that a liar was a liar.

She will be a little disappointed, regretful, regretful that they could not stay with each other after growing up, but she will still be happy, even if her liar spirit no longer belongs to her, even if her liar spirit will never come back, she is still I hope he can find his own destination, which is better than accompanying himself as a disaster star.

Nothing good ever happens when you meet someone you meet.

Although her liar is gone, the liar who remains in her heart is always there. No matter how long it takes, he will always be by her side, even if the letters she writes can never be sent to the person they should be sent to. People, even if this feeling is buried deep in their hearts, it will never take root.

Chen Mo looked at Xiaota on the bed. He had thought more than once about what she would look like when he found her in his life, and whether she would be a stranger to him. That silver hair was the only color that Chen Mo could still be familiar with.

Even though Chen Mo tried countless times to depict what she would look like when she grew up on the drawing paper, the face was always blurry.

The memory faded in Chen Mo's mind, so much so that he couldn't even remember what his little tower once looked like.

When he was at Black Steel, he met a student named Razer. At that time, Chen Mo suddenly saw the shadow of Xiaota in that Vaifan.

But they are not like them. Xiaota should be taller. There is not so much stubbornness in Xiaota's eyes. Her eyes are more confident and cunning.

But Chen Mo still couldn't bear it, couldn't bear to watch that Vaifan would be disappointed and eliminated from the black steel one day. Even though she put in a lot of hard work, sometimes, talent is far more important than hard work. Importantly, sometimes the efforts put in by talented people are no less than those of anyone else.

Reality is often so cruel, and reality does not leave a trace of delusion in people. In reality, ideal is a distant word, because most ideals are things that are difficult to achieve.

Chen Mo has always understood that Si Feierte is right, understands Si Feierte's thoughts, and understands that the relationship between two children is unreliable. He understands this, but Brother Si doesn't understand, and doesn't understand where his persistence comes from. When she came here, she didn’t understand that Xiaota was more than just a person and a relationship to her.

The small tower is the anchor point he found for this strange world, and it is the only direction back for the soul named Chen Mo wandering on this land.

He has never mentioned it to anyone. He has mentioned that he is not afraid of disappointment, separation, or that Xiaota will have his own life. What he is only afraid of is that when he looks back, he has become something unfamiliar to him. The only thing he was afraid of was that this land still treated him so coldly and unkindly.

But now everything has changed.

The liar is still the same liar in memory, but no longer. The little tower is still the little tower in memory, but has changed.

[I told myself that these are not important. What is important is that we are both alive and can see each other again. 】

[But the reality is that we are inevitably unfamiliar with each other. This strangeness makes you and I helpless. I want to pretend to face you as if we haven’t seen each other for a long time. Maybe like you, I haven’t figured out how to use it. Come and get in touch with you now, a me who is strange to you, a you who is strange to me. 】

"But I can't make time go back to the past, Tallulah." Chen Mo looked at Tallulah and said, "I can't make time go back to when we first met, when we were young and still in the orphanage."

"I can't deny that time has created a kind of rift and strangeness between us that I can't avoid. We were separated for too long, until the memory became blurred, until I almost forgot your appearance."

"I have always hoped, or rather, I have hoped for it. I have been hoping for it since I was a child. I hope that I can grow up with you. When you grow up, I will propose to you. I don't know if you will agree. I hope that I can We have a home that belongs to us in the new city that we often look at. I hope to grow old with you in this life, and I hope to be able to walk into your life."

Chen Mo said softly.

"I want to grow up with you, grow old with you, and walk the rest of our lives on this earth with you. Maybe we will quarrel, and maybe we will gradually develop feelings for each other. Burnout, maybe we will be separated after all.”

"I hope that day can come later, and later, because I am not ready to lose you, because I want you to stay with me for a little longer, but if that day does come, I think I can still Accept, accept your departure, I will stay behind you, I know you are afraid of being alone."

"But I can't make time go over again, and I can't fill in the gaps left by the years we were apart."

Chen Mo's eyes softened, and his left eye stared at the figure of the girl on the bed. She was right in front of him, those extravagant hopes of more than ten years, the yearning for more than ten years, and the past that he had not mentioned to anyone for more than ten years. and a mark left in my heart.

In fact, there is never a moment that becomes blurred, and there is never a moment that is truly forgotten.

"Actually, I'm not surprised at all."

"I'm not surprised to see you take this road, to see you living with a group of homeless infected people in Ursus, trying to resist fate." Chen Mo said, "Because that's how you are in my heart. A person is like this when he was a child. You always have many thoughts in your heart. You are brave and upright. You will not be able to let go for a group of people who are suffering. You will be angry because of the suffering and unwillingness of this land. You have to do something for them. What, you would think like this in your heart, even though I know you haven't made up your mind at first."

"Even though I never hope that you can find your own justice, I also know that some people are born like this. They are born like this. They can't avoid it or escape, because if you don't do it, you will not be able to calm down in your heart. .”

"Perhaps I could have stopped you in the past, or if I had stayed by your side, I could have made you make other choices, but I failed to do so, so I won't be surprised when you embark on this path, not at all. Yes." Chen Mo said softly: "The Xiaota I know, she has such a temperament, she is destined to resist injustice and oppression, because she has stubbornness and integrity hidden in her bones, because she is brave and strong, she is kind and gentle, Sympathize with the weak and despise suffering.”

"But it's not fair to you, liar..."

Tallulah lowered her eyes. She could not look at Chen Mo's face anymore. She looked at her hands folded on the bed. She was afraid that she would be sad because of this, she was afraid that she would regret it, and she was afraid that this was another lie.

"If Xiaota will leave with me, it will not be fair to Xiaota." Chen Mo shook his head and said: "In the past ten years, I have never done anything for you, Tallulah, you rely on yourself You have gathered the infected people in the snowfield little by little with your own efforts, and it is you who have worked with them through the difficulties to get to where you are today."

"I heard a lot about you. During this time, during the time you left with the guerrillas, I stayed here with the infected. I heard that Xiaota was a person in their eyes. What kind of people, Alina, the snow monster, and the warriors, just like this, little by little, I got to know Tallulah again."

Chen Mo said: "Tallulah is completely different from what I remember, but it doesn't surprise me too much. What I want to tell you is that from the time you said you wanted me to stay, that's what I was thinking, because I didn't think about it. How can I ask you this? I want to see and listen for myself, and understand the difference between Tallulah in other people's eyes and the little tower I keep in my heart."

Chen Mo said as he held Talulah's hand.

Tallulah looked at him.