Longmen Memoirs

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She heard Chen Mo say softly.

"I couldn't be by your side when you needed me, so I don't have the right to force you to leave with me. I don't have the right to ask you to give up your ideals. I don't have the right to take you away from them. To me, this is Fair enough, Tallulah."

"You are right. I will not help the infected people just because of how much they have suffered or suffered, nor will I risk everything for something wrong. I have never thought about it that way. .”

"So...if one day, when I think I am qualified to take you away, I will not have any hesitation, even if you don't want to, this is the reason why I stay here."

Chapter 37 Chen Ta [-]/[-] ([-]): It’s always been like this

Tallulah didn't escape from the thoughts she didn't want to think about deep down, and Chen Mo didn't escape from her problems either.

But only Chen Mo knew that this might be another lie that could not be completed.

His time is running out, Chen Mo doesn't know how much longer he can hold on.

One year, two years, maybe less.

After leaving Kazdel, his physical condition deteriorated day by day, and he could feel that his body was gradually becoming heavier.

He shouldn't go on like this, shouldn't fight anymore, shouldn't use spells anymore. Spells will only increase the burden on his body, and every time he uses a spell, he will consume his remaining life.

But if he stayed in the snowfield, he would undoubtedly be unable to avoid these things, fights, and killings. Even if he tried his best to avoid these, the rough life and situation would still wear down his body and aggravate his condition.

Maybe the stable life is long gone.

Chen Mo no longer expected that.

There was only one last thing left for him to do, and only after completing it could he meet his own destiny.

Xiaota left after all. It was Chen Mo who lost the Xiaota that belonged to him. It was Chen Mo who failed to keep the agreement with Xiaota.

In fact, he should have understood this fact long ago.

The little tower he longed for to grow up with him, get married together, and have a home in Longmen together had already disappeared in the light snow when he left Longmen many years ago.

It's just that over the years, he has been forcing himself, and he has never been able to think about this problem until he saw Tallulah again on the snowfield.

That dream was broken after all, maybe it should have woken up long ago.

"How long will it take?"

Tallulah asked, looking into Chen Mo's eyes, she was quietly relieved at the answer.

At least she knew the real reason why Chen Mo stayed, the answer that was different from what she thought but acceptable to her.

If so, she would feel much more at ease.

What she was most afraid of was that Chen Mo didn't want to stay, but just waited for a fruitless ending for her. This would make Tallulah feel that she was too despicable, which would make her feel guilty.

"I don't know, it may take a long time." Chen Mo replied: "So long that the infected can truly find a land of their own, until the infected can truly live, and until you can safely let go of everything here."

"It's been too long." Tallulah said softly, still staring at Chen Mo's face.

Even she herself didn't know where the road under her feet would lead, and she was also a little confused about her future. She wasn't sure whether she would really see the future that Chen Mo said.

But Tallulah knew it was, and Chen Mo might have known this for a long time, but he still said it.

"It's been too long, or maybe one day I'm tired of waiting, and one day I finally get tired of you."

"Do you know?"

"Maybe." Chen Mo said firmly without answering. "At least I can wait for now. If you don't want me to leave because of this one day, you can try to keep me."

"What should I do...?" Tallulah asked, moving her fingers slightly.

She can feel Chen【%

She wouldn't have felt this way without seeing each other again.

"The answer to this question depends on you, Tallulah." Chen Mo said, "Because I don't know if I will get tired of waiting, and I don't know if I will get tired of you."

Tallulah was stunned.

The expression on her weak and pale face was slightly stagnant, and a slight smile broke out after a moment.

"Do you think I'm a fool? A liar." She looked at Chen Mo and asked: "I know why you said these things to me. You are afraid that I will be upset about this, because I know you stayed here because of me. Come down, because I know that even if you stay, this is not your career for you."

"I have been lying to myself, lying to myself not to think about this, but now I will not escape, Chen Mo."

This was the first time she had called out Chen Mo's name. It had been many years since Chen Mo was called a liar by her, and Chen Mo had never heard his name from Tallulah's mouth again.

"If only I were such a fool."

She raised her hand and gently touched Chen Mo's face with her fingertips. Her fingers were a little cold.

"If I were a fool, I could believe what you said and keep you by my side with peace of mind. But you are a liar after all. Even if I tell myself to believe you, I don't know how to believe someone who has no results at all. answer."

"You know... you know that I can't give up everything here. If what you said comes true, one day, the infected can truly find a land of their own, and the infected can truly live."

She said: "At that time, how can I leave with you? Before that time, you will accompany me through so much suffering and setbacks that are not yours. Can we really wait until that day?"

"Actually, you all know that the future is very illusory, because none of us know what will happen tomorrow, but tomorrow will always come very quickly, whether it is good or bad, whether you like it or not, it will come when you close your eyes , only then can we see clearly what it looks like.”

She lowered her fingers gently.

"Actually, that's not reliable at all, isn't it? You're a liar." She said: "For the things we had between us when we were young, for the things that are not much left, I asked you to do this with me. I should have understood a long time ago. I understand that I can't give you those things, and I understand that keeping you here is just wishful thinking on my part."

"But I still can't help but think like this. I think you are still the same as when I was a child. No matter what I do, you will always stand by my side. No matter what happens, we can face it together. I can see you when I turn my head. .”

"But then I realized that not everything can be as simple as I thought it would be when I was a kid, and not everything can turn out the way we want it to turn out."

she said so.

"You're late, you liar. Xiaota is no longer here."

From the moment I stopped waiting for you to come back, from the moment I decided to become an infected person, from the moment I decided to join the infected people in resisting Ursus, the small tower that once was in Longmen is no longer there.

Perhaps earlier, as early as when I left Longmen, the small tower disappeared in my heart.

"I can give you the answer now..."

The surging emotions in my heart almost overwhelmed my whole body. The tingling feeling seemed to be just an illusion, but it was so real, as if my heart was being torn apart bit by bit.

But Tallulah still couldn't avoid Chen Mo's gaze. It would be better to say that her gaze had never escaped. She just looked at Chen Mo, trying to see every expression on his face.

I want to keep his image in my heart, I want to see his disappointment, I want him to understand what kind of person he has become.

Perhaps the liar has long since ceased.

The letters written one after another were just addressed to the liar in Tallulah's heart, the liar who had always been with him and never left.

As for Chen Mo, he shouldn't accept a fate that doesn't belong to her for an unworthy person. He shouldn't stay in this bitter cold snowfield for a Tallulah who can't respond to him, to face the ups and downs of her ideals. And those who may have a tragic fate.

Selfishly, she thought that this cruel fate should have been borne by herself.

Tallulah opened her mouth slightly, and her voice rang in Chen Mo's ears.

"...Whether it is now or in the future, I will not leave with you. I will stay here and fight with the infected until we can truly live. Until one day I fall on this road. This is me A career that I cannot give up in this life, and I will not give up halfway because of anyone, no matter who he is."

[This doesn't look like you, Tallulah. 】

[But I still think that way, even if I tell myself I shouldn’t think that way, but every time I tell myself that, these thoughts come up. 】

[Then let me tell you, Chen will never leave. No matter what happens in the future, no matter how difficult you think the road under your feet is, as long as you are here, he will not leave. 】

[What’s the reason?What is the reason. 】

[Then what are the reasons you convince yourself again and again, Tallulah, this land is indeed cruel and cruel to us sometimes. It makes people experience betrayal and separation, but it also always makes people reunite, and these are not Reason, if you must find a reason, then I think you are the reason. 】

【Myself? 】

[Because you are Xiaota, Tallulah, just like your feelings when facing Chen, he is the same as you. 】

[But I...Alina, I...]

[You can’t answer him, can you?In fact, you always knew that if you were willing to leave, he would take you away. You always knew that he stayed here only because of you. 】

[But I can't leave, Alina, it's not fair, but I still...am I too greedy. 】

[I will not oppose you this time, Tallulah, but you are too greedy. 】

[Greedy, you are not even willing to face what Chen is thinking. Greedy, you want to use this way of escape to maintain your current relationship. Tallulah, if two people know what the other is thinking, but are unwilling to tell Each other, what's the use even if they know it well, will they feel tired because of it?Will they separate one day due to misunderstanding? 】

[I said, Chen, he is the same as you.If not, why would he come all the way here, just for a childhood friend? Maybe you don't understand each other well now, after all, you have been separated for too long, but in the future, will it continue like this?For us infected people, how long can we wait without any response? 】

[Don’t you think Chen Mo looks tired?Although I don’t know what he has experienced in the past, Tallulah, he feels more and more like Mr. Patriot to me, but he clearly looks as old as us and still looks very young. 】

Tallulah just remembered Alina's words.

Thinking of the things she should have known but pretended to ignore.

Maybe, Alina is right.

But Tallulah couldn't find any disappointment on Chen Mo's face. He just looked at herself calmly, without answering or making any movement.

It took several seconds before he spoke.

"I know."

Alina is right. She needs to understand Tallulah better than herself, understand that she has never been a weak and cowardly person, and understand that she will not want to live a life of deceiving herself, no matter whether the answer will make her sad or even regretful. .

"If I hadn't known this, I wouldn't have come here, Tallulah... Maybe the little tower I was looking for is no longer there, but to me, she never disappeared. She just grew up and became a person. My unfamiliar appearance makes no difference whether she is Little Tower or Tallulah."

"I didn't come to the snowfield to find a result, and I didn't stay here to get the result I wanted."

"I stay here because of you, you in front of me, you can cry, you can laugh, you are alive, I don't need any reason to stay here, I don't need any results to stay here, because you are the best The reasons and consequences have been answered since I saw you again."

"I come here and stay here, not because I want to take you away, because no matter where I go, no matter what I will experience later, I have already arrived at my destination from the moment I see you."

Chen Mo said softly.

Tallulah didn't answer, but the tears couldn't help but flow out of her eyes, and just fell down.

Chen Mo raised his hand and wiped away the tears she shed.

But at that moment, she suddenly hugged Chen Mo, and tears wet Chen Mo's shoulders, but he no longer felt panic, but felt extremely relieved.

"...crybaby."

He said, his tone was helpless and reluctant.

[To Xiaota:

I'm breaking my promise, Tallulah.

But don’t be afraid, never be afraid. Think of the day when you mustered up the courage to face Chen. Even if I’m not by your side, even if you don’t need me anymore, you have to spread your wings and fly over the storm. You have to stand tall. Amidst the lightning and thunder, become the person you want to be.

You can't be weak, don't cry, let alone get sick. In the days without me, you must learn to be strong, brave, and resist.

Tallulah, the crybaby.

I hope you never have to face disappointment and withdrawal. ——The Liar, February 1080, 2]

…In the end, it’s me who has really changed.

I am afraid, afraid that one day I will let you down.

Chen Mo looked at the girl in his arms.

he asked himself.

Didn't I believe you, didn't believe you could do it, didn't believe you could face it, I wanted to use lies to give you a reason to feel at ease, maybe it was just an excuse I made for myself.

But you really don’t need these. You have become what I want you to be, and you have become the person you want to be.

I dare not trust you and place my expectations on your choice. Even if your choice does not disappoint me, I am afraid that I will be the one who disappoints you.

Chen Mo left the room.

He saw the white-haired deer standing not far from the door. When Chen Mo looked over, Alina showed a gentle smile.

"..."

"Got the answer? Chen."

"……thanks."

"Thank you for what?" She asked pretending to be confused: "It's fine if you don't blame me. After all, I failed to do what I promised you, but I will never regret or say sorry, Chen. Absolutely not, because, actually, you already know how Tallulah will answer you, right?"

"I don't believe in fate. I only believe in things that I can see and touch. And you and Tallulah are both in a place that I can see. Do you know? Sometimes, even though you are obviously there, I can reach it before my eyes, but I still feel that you are far away, as if there is an invisible river separated from us. The river will drown out the voices of us people, but Tallulah will not. Only her voice can. Let you hear it.”