I am the emotional sustenance of your deceased

Lenai realized belatedly that the pillow under her head was wet. She stroked her 10-year-old hair and hooked a strand of it to the tip of her nose.

"I...just simply, simply want to see you again...I want to be with you...Chitose Haizuka...under the covers, on my bed, with you resting your head on my arm, my other hand on your belly."

But why can't it be realized?

why?

"If you were still here, you would have to suffer with me... I'm clumsy, and without your death, I wouldn't be able to become a professional..."

If you were still alive, I wouldn't be making much money, so the place I rented would be ordinary.

The windows might even be a little cracked, which wouldn't be comfortable in a Tokyo winter, but... in my fantasy, that's enough.

We can go a whole day without talking, it doesn’t matter, as long as we can warm each other.

If you were still alive, I could stare at the ceiling peacefully all day long. Do you think there would be spider webs there?

Lenai struggled to get up, and she found that the cobwebs in her heart had fallen off.

The emotions in her heart began to spread. If she didn't stay away from Qian Sui, she would probably be tortured to death by the memories.

It was late at night, and Lenai felt suffocated by the emotional instability.

After leaving the bedroom, she sat on the stairs and recalled the time when she and Xiaosui sat in the same position.

At that time, she turned her head to look at Sui, who was nestled in Lenai's arms... It should have been just an ordinary afternoon, but Lenai would never have thought that the daily trivialities that she once didn't care about would now become beautiful memories that were more precious than anything else.

At that time, they played guitar together every day, discussing atoms, death, aliens, magic, future time and space, the meaning of life, distant galaxies... They would feel different music together and brag about the bad things they had done and the lies they had told to each other.

But, all that is in the past.

"Woooooooo..."

Thinking of Chitose's sleeping face again, Lenai began to cry bitterly.

The emotions that had been hidden for several years could no longer be suppressed, and Lenai walked into the basement in a state of emotional collapse.

She took big steps, as if she was afraid of falling.

She ignored the guitar and sat on the floor, touching some relics left by Chitose Haizuka.

Huizhong left behind a guitar and some clothes... Haha, really...

"It was like a dream."

Memories are flooding back.

"I don't know how long that dream lasted, but I do hope... that she in the dream was forever."

But dreams can't be real, right?

This is why Yasuhiro Lenai still thinks that everything that is happening now has a sense of dream.

Xiaosui who only lives in the past... Her smile is warm, she sits in the sun with disheveled hair and stretches, and she exudes the scent of sunshine after the rain.

With red eyes, Lenai picked up the notebook on the ground and began to flip through it, but found nothing except empty white paper.

"I should have woken up... No, I felt like I was awake. But I realized I was just closing my eyes to avoid everything... It wasn't until I met the age that I accepted the reality I wanted to escape.

She is too much like this her, and too much like that her.

Lena wanted to cling to the old dream tightly. She didn't dare to open her eyes and face the reality, but... that girl appeared.

When Chitose showed up, everything changed.

"It hurts so much..." Lying on his side, Lenai curled up like a watermelon worm.

It was a lingering pain, the owner of that face did not recognize himself.

Chitose is already dead.

She herself became Chitose's mother, but she was not Chitose.

She is no one, she is just her.

But she is so much like them... Almost exactly the same...

Lenai staggered upstairs, drank the can of beer in one gulp, and then opened another bottle to drink.

"I lied. I actually really cared about you... I can't forget you at all... After you left, the only thing left in my life was the guitar... Woo woo woo..."

He began to gasp for breath, as if he were suffocating.

"It's okay, I'll wait a moment, I'll just rest for a while, I'll wait, it's okay, I'll wait a moment, I'll just sit for a while."

"I'll be fine in a moment. Wait... I'll be alone for a while. Oh no... I'm already broken down. I'll be fine in a moment. It's okay..."

I'm done.

Lenai's vision was blurred by tears and she began to feel dizzy.

When I reserved a large space in my heart to remember some things about you...

You're late.

No.

You'll never come back...Xiao Sui.

Ch400. Let me heal you!

fraud.

Shameful liar...

A cunning, ruthless, arrogant, reckless...but lovable liar.

"Since you didn't intend to come back from the beginning, why did you leave me with such unrealistic fantasies... If you wanted to leave, you could leave by yourself..."

Lenai crushed the beer can, the sharp edge almost cut her but she didn't care at all.

"Why... did you leave me... I waited for you all spring... I even endured the summer... When I went to look for you... why was there only a cold tombstone?"

boom--

The beer can, which still had one-third of its contents uneaten, was hurled heavily, hitting the door and causing a heart-wrenching wail.

Watching the wine splashing everywhere, Lenai's mood suddenly improved a little.

The thrown away beer is the truest portrayal of her life. They are no longer needed...even though they were once praised as great and useful.

But if it is not needed, it is not needed.

To be honest, Lenai is just a stray cat that no one wants. Life used to be different from hers! In her past life, there was a guitar, Chitose, and delicious matcha parfait.

Lenai knelt on the ground, as if she had lost all her strength, but her body was still trembling as if the beast in her body still had no intention of calming down.

"But I have nothing now, all I have is my guitar..."

No, not the guitar.

It is the "guitar" entrusted to her by Chitose and Otosuke.

They placed their dreams and destiny entirely on Lenai, who was now completely unable to breathe.

Their death is a chain, everything they have existed is a chain.

“Ah…Ahhhhhhhhh!”

Le Nai pounded the ground with her hands, closed her eyes and howled softly as if to vent her anger, then she completely collapsed.

The street lights outside the window flickered, and even the night birds flying past the window became the murderers stealing the light.

"Why... do you want to leave me? Obviously, I didn't do anything wrong."

The emotions accumulated year after year, and finally crushed Lenai on this day.

She missed the days when she could act like a spoiled child in Sister Chitose's arms. Growing up was not fun at all. Guitar was boring, music was disgusting, society was too ugly, and life was meaningless.

I still want to be a child.

Why did time fly so fast and I am now your age?

"Everything I see now, is what you have seen before..."

In your home, wearing your clothes, living your life, striving on the path of your dreams, fighting for the girl who is also impressed by you and is willing to change her name...

[Success... I finally succeeded...]

The voice of her childhood echoed in Kaname's mind, that was her once unwavering vow:

[Chitose! I want to catch up with you, become you, and finally! Surpass you!]

"what…"

Is the ceiling falling? Kaname couldn't see clearly.

She opened her mouth unconsciously, the burning words burning in her throat:

"I became you... At your age, I finally became you."

I even surpassed you.

Whether it's Xiaosui or Chitose, I have surpassed them all!

【Look! Look quickly! 】

Tears burst out, but they did not cause any more waves. Lenai's heart was surprisingly calm.

"Why...why don't you look at me anymore...why...why?"

If possible, you really shouldn't play guitar.

Why are you playing guitar?

Exhausted and dizzy, Lenai finally realized that she was drunk.

But what does it matter? She couldn't believe that anyone living in such a cannibalistic city wouldn't be intoxicated.

Half asleep, Lenai tried to raise his head to look at the corridor beside him.

There, when I first visited Chitose's house, I swore with such confidence that I was ready to play the guitar.

【Follow my steps, my favorite little friend Kaname Lenai. 】

The memory jumped out and Lena felt Chitose's hand brush across her chin.

As her delicate body trembled, Noshiro Chitose's mature and charming face revealed a playful promise:

[How did the distance between us grow so wide without us noticing? Catch up with me.]

【Catch up with me, stand shoulder to shoulder with me, become me, and finally surpass me. 】

If you stop moving forward, it means you haven't reached your full potential... But it doesn't matter. No matter what, I will forgive you and even... love you.

"Forgiveness..."

At this moment, Kaname couldn't realize what he was mumbling:

"Please... Chitose-sister, please..."

"Forgive me, forgive me, love me..."

Take me and escape from reality!

Immediately, Lenai lost consciousness.

That's the way it is.

……

"Huh, you're almost thirty, but you're still like a three-foot-tall child. It really gives me a headache."

Chitose used her small body to drag and pull Lenai to the sofa.

God knows what this white-haired kitten has been eating all these years. It's grown so fast that it's almost impossible to move.

“Years…years…”

Faint whispers echoed in the silent room, and Lenai turned over with a frown on his face.

She is so cute, she seems to be having a nightmare, she is so pitiful.

"But, she still has me, doesn't she?"

Qiansui cleaned the room. As autumn came, leaves began to fall in the small courtyard that had not been seen for many years.