Loneliness and Rock and Roll with Band Observer

Just like I can't quite understand where Pochi's love comes from.

Now Togawa Aie can't quite understand why Shoko has such a high liking for her.

She raised her head and looked at Xiangzi, her eyes revealing a look as if she was asking for help.

Can you provide me with a solid explanation?

Xiangzi could read meanings similar to this.

Perhaps this is also the difference between her and Goto Ichiri.

As long as Xiangzi has the time to think calmly, she will be able to figure out many things.

She smiled softly.

"Akie, what do you think... can be called 'worth mentioning'?"

Xiangzi leaned forward slightly, waiting for Qiu Hui's answer.

"You mean... standard?" Qiu Hui was stunned, but quickly reacted, "How should I put it? I think, at least it should be..."

She tried to analyze it, but the conclusion she came to didn't seem as smooth and powerful as she had imagined.

Although she finally finished her explanation haltingly, Xiangzi still shook his head.

"Words of this magnitude can't convince me," Xiangzi said bluntly.

Qiu Hui covered her forehead in distress: "After all, value judgments may have many subjective parts, and our standards may not be unified..."

"Ah, this sentence hits the nail on the head." Xiangzi covered his mouth and chuckled.

"Since you yourself know that the standard of value judgment varies from person to person, then how can we talk about the 'equal' of 'equivalence'?"

"My standards or yours?"

"The value of goods exchanged can be standardized by currency, but what should be used to quantify the emotions between people?"

Toyokawa Shoko looked at Akiie, who looked embarrassed, with a smile.

"You think what you did is insignificant, but I don't think so at all..."

"...Then, even if you insist on the principle of equal exchange, then my feelings towards you should be priced according to 'my standards', right?"

"Or is it that Akie is planning to use her own standards to 'force a sale'?"

At this point, Xiangzi couldn't help laughing out loud.

"...I'm the first time I've seen someone force a sale where they're the one at a disadvantage!"

"..."

Togawa Aie was speechless.

She reached out and pulled the quilt up, sinking deeper into the bed.

Looking at the girl in front of him with drooping eyebrows, Xiangzi shook his head gently: "Of course, I am not saying these words to criticize you."

"I believe that Qiu Hui can figure out such a simple truth herself."

"But maybe there is some force preventing you from doing so... This is my guess."

After saying that, Toyokawa Shoko stood up from her chair.

"Rather than saying that you are following the principle of equal exchange, I think it might be more appropriate to put it another way. After all, Akie is using this as a banner, but she is actually being particularly harsh on herself."

"For some reason, you always feel that you owe something to others, so you keep forcing yourself to give for others... right?"

Xiangzi sighed helplessly.

"...It's starting to sound like a lecture without me noticing."

She picked up the empty glass of water from the bedside table.

"Let's stop here for now. If you want to continue, just come out and find us..."

Xiangzi was about to leave the room. When she reached the door, she stopped and turned around.

"...Your existence is very important to all of us. Please...at least remember this."

She left the room temporarily, leaving Akie alone in a trance.

Chapter 55: Sure enough, no one likes to go to work

Qiu Hui was the only one left in the room again.

After Xiangzi left the room, it took her about half a minute to come out of the inexplicable trance.

"...I seem to have forgotten to tell Xiangzi that I might have a cold." she thought to herself.

She laid the pillow flat, lay back on the bed, and closed her eyes, not to fall asleep, but just to concentrate on thinking.

"You always feel like you have something to repay, so you keep forcing yourself to give more than you deserve...?"

Maybe that's true.

Xiangzi is right about one thing. I may be able to deduce this conclusion on my own.

However, due to various factors, I might not even think about it in that direction at the beginning.

Equivalent exchange...I have indeed been obsessed with this word.

Because this is a principle that is basically impeccable and few people would disagree with it.

Even now, I don't think the idea itself is wrong.

The problem lies in the "pricing standards".

For example, I always thought that Xiangzi and I were just ordinary friends, and the help I gave her was just a piece of cake.

This view actually belittles my efforts... It is the exact opposite of the slogan of equal exchange and is simply "unfair".

Devaluing oneself, hurting oneself, and favoring others over oneself seems noble, and seems to be more "correct" than simple "justice" itself.

There are even additional benefits...

Qiu Hui couldn't help but smile.

"If you favor others, you won't have to pay the cost of 'seeking justice'."

I actually don’t know how to get along with others, nor do I know what is the correct and appropriate way to do things.

I knew nothing and didn't want to pay the cost of learning, so I turned to a more economical method as an alternative.

As long as I continue to sacrifice myself for the benefit of others, no one will blame me. Everyone will feel good about me and recognize the meaning of my existence.

Even if my actions were not perfect, even if they did hurt someone...

But because I had always been thinking of "constantly hurting myself" before hurting anyone, I could avoid being held accountable even if it really caused any adverse consequences.

To sum it up, it was like practicing some kind of... evil martial arts. Quick and efficient, the only price was eight hundred self-injuries.

Togawa Akie let out a long sigh.

If you think this way, the current situation is easy to understand.

I have practiced my evil martial arts for too long, and the backlash is too strong. Now it has finally reached the point where I can no longer continue...

……All right.

Now that we have figured out the current situation.

The next question, then, is obvious.

What can I do to change the situation?

Lying on the bed, Qiu Hui felt that her body seemed to become soft and seemed to merge into the mattress beneath her.

Powerlessness.

Although this could perhaps be understood as simple cold symptoms, she still felt that things might not be that simple.

Even though she has resolved some of the problems in her heart now, the problems before her will not disappear automatically.

First of all, what about work?

Even before what happened to Ruomai, Qiu Hui already felt that she was not in good shape.

It can even be said that setbacks at work were one of the triggers of the previous emotional breakdown.

Even if she cleaned up the current mess, Qiu Hui doubted whether she would be able to devote herself to work again with the same energy as before...

……No.

Maybe I just can't and shouldn't work as hard as I did before.

My initial pursuit of the career of light novel writer was entirely due to misunderstandings caused by my inexperience at the time.

This is not an ideal job that is both free and respectable.

The reason we were able to persevere was largely due to the desperate potential we unleashed when we were at our wits' end, as well as a certain inertia that has continued to this day.

And the band. I joined the band and it was just a part of the job from the beginning.

Even though I gradually began to enjoy playing with everyone...it was definitely not because I began to like the job itself.

Yes, I actually don’t like working at all.

This should have been a simple fact that anyone could have figured out with a little effort, but because of the pervasive pressure she had previously endured, Qiu Hui had not had the energy to face this obvious fact that did not even require additional proof in the textbooks.

Although I may appear to be more hardworking and dedicated at times, that is purely a stress response caused by pressure.

If inertia persists, then maybe I can still manage to hold on.

However, to be interrupted for some reason like now and then to start again is another matter entirely...

Lying on the comfortable mattress, Qiu Hui realized that she seemed to have to start seriously considering her livelihood again.

I have some savings, but they won't last long.

I now have friends who are willing to help me...but it is impossible to maintain a long-term life relying solely on their help.

This is simply not feasible... well, even if it is feasible, this approach cannot stand the test of moral concepts.

and.

Even if...even if I have no bottom line to the point where I can live on freeloaders without any scruples...

Even if we take a step back and things really develop to this point, she actually has a better choice in every sense.

Come back home.

I am a high school student.

For high school students... being completely self-reliant is actually an abnormal state.

"..."

When she thought of this, Qiu Hui also realized that perhaps something in her heart was slowly breaking apart.

She quickly thought of her sister and her father.

Ruomai said that my sister...is still monitoring me.

Moreover, it seems that some extreme measures were used.

This incident should have caused Qiu Hui to be angry and fearful. It should have made her suspicious and start to wonder if everything around her was her sister's spy...

But when this matter was revealed along with Yutenji Wakumaki's identity, Akie... basically had no energy to care about it.

For example, Wakamugi's incident has already emptied Akie's HP. As for the subsequent surveillance...

...Its damage has already completely overflowed. You can't do any more damage to a unit with zero HP.

Her sister's surveillance means that Qiu Hui's every move may still be largely under the control of her family.

But, at this point, this fact has made Qiu Hui realize a new possibility.

"If, I mean if. If I had never escaped from their clutches..."

"...Then, wouldn't it be better to just accept this openly?"

She muttered to herself in her heart.

"..."

"...Don't think about that for now."