Loneliness and Rock and Roll with Band Observer

After Xiangzi came in and chatted with her, she basically just lay in bed.

Although I spend most of my time sleeping, I actually spend a lot of time thinking about my worries.

What attitude should I use to face life, how should I deal with my relationships with others, and...

…all kinds of things.

In Qiu Hui's subjective mind, that was a very long night. So when Ruomai suddenly mentioned what happened yesterday, she didn't react for a while.

"Xiangzi said that she and you might have some points of mutual resonance." Ruomai said, "After she talked to you yesterday, you feel much better now..."

"The effect is so immediate, of course I'm interested."

Ruomai's words sounded a bit sour.

Qiu Hui nodded slowly: "She told me that my so-called 'equal exchange' is actually based on a 'pricing standard' that is completely unfair to me."

Ruomai's eyes moved slightly, and his free hand moved slightly to hold Qiu Hui's hand that was resting on his thigh.

She looked at him expectantly, and some subtle tacit understanding also allowed Qiu Hui to grasp the other party's intention without saying a word.

Ruomai wanted to know more details.

Because, she must be...thinking about how to help me.

A calm warmth welled up in Qiu Hui's heart.

All the lies, concealment, internal conflicts and self-deception are now in the past.

After detonating all the things that needed to be detonated, the two people standing in the ruins could finally start to really do something.

Ruomai likes me. Or we can even say that she "loves me".

I have to admit that.

This must be faced squarely.

Because... I can no longer use that unfair but low-cost standard to examine everything around me.

"...I'm surprised Xiangzi can see this. But she is not me after all...There are some things that she can't draw conclusions from just observation and guesswork."

Qiu Hui smiled and shook her head.

"I'm not a selfless saint. On the contrary, I'm actually timid and cowardly, and quite selfish..."

"...That's why I choose to solve the problem by hurting myself."

"Because... as long as I hurt myself, as long as I claim that everything is my fault, as long as I pretend to be trying to make up for my mistakes..."

“I can then justify what I did.”

call.

She moved her hands slightly and gently broke free from Ruomai's hand.

But then, she took the initiative to stretch out her hand, went around Ruomai's back, and embraced her slender waist.

“…Huh?”

Ruomai's brain crashed.

There was a wonderful touch on my waist.

The other person's movements seemed conservative and restrained, as if he was not hugging the waist, but preparing to defuse a bomb.

But... no matter how stiff or awkward it is, there is one thing that will never change...

This was an intimate act initiated by Togawa Akee.

At this moment, Togawa Aie's face had become like a cooked shrimp, or even redder than the Tom Yum Goong soup used to cook the shrimp.

but……

...Some things, at this point, have to be done.

"Wait, wait...wait a minute, what, uh, Xiaoqiu, you, what are you doing..."

Compared to Akie's expression, which seemed like she was sacrificing herself heroically and even a little funny, Ruomai now looked like a little girl who was completely at a loss in front of her lover.

But Qiu Hui was not affected by this.

She just kept going.

“I feel like I’ve owed a debt that I can’t repay.”

"Since I can't pay it back, I can declare bankruptcy and escape as a matter of course, saving all the costs associated with it..."

"...I don't want this."

Akie closed her eyes nervously.

"Ruomai, you...are willing to forgive me."

"So... I should also... try to earn your forgiveness!"

Chapter 58: An explanation that is years late

In the night that just passed which seemed too long, Togawa Aie tried to let her thoughts go back to a long time ago.

Back to junior high school, when everything just happened.

Ruomai felt that I would never forgive her betrayal.

And what about me? I also feel that Ruomai...will not forgive me for being unreasonable.

I considered myself a worthless burden, and the time I spent with Ruomai as pure trouble to each other.

By looking at our relationship this way, I could make a flawless defense for my own alienation.

As long as you belittle yourself like this, you can naturally avoid the cost of resolving misunderstandings and accepting the other person's feelings.

"As long as you pass judgment on yourself in advance, you can avoid being judged by others."

"Just like now..."

Togawa Akie first took a few deep breaths to calm herself down.

Then, she began to use force with the hand that she held around Ruomai, hugging the other's waist tighter and tighter amid exclamations.

"…I should have been the one asking for your forgiveness, but it turned out that you were the one asking me for forgiveness instead."

She closed her eyes in self-reproach.

"I... I don't know how to deal with all this, so I can only resort to such despicable tricks to get by."

"I should probably apologize now. But I apologize so much that it's almost become a catchphrase..."

"So, I think it might be more appropriate to... say thank you."

"I...I...Well, Xiaoqiu, if you suddenly say something like that, I...won't know...what to do..."

If Miao Meng was really a cat, she would have been frightened and flew away by now.

But she is a human being after all. Therefore, Yutenji Wakamugi could only panic in Akie's arms, trembling slightly because of the ecstasy that she had not yet digested.

“It’s normal not to know what to do.”

Qiu Hui sighed.

“Because, I actually don’t know what to do next.”

She raised her head and looked at the ceiling with emotion.

"I might do something greedy..."

Qiu Hui uttered some meaningful lines.

"...No, there's no need to think about that right now."

Now is the time to make the situation at hand your top priority.

"Wakamai."

“Ah wow wow wow… w-what happened…”

Facing Wakamai, who was somewhat incoherent due to the powerful stimulation, Qiu Hui spoke calmly.

"I wanted to ask you, what exactly do you like about me, and why do you like me until now..."

"...But if you think about it, there's no point in knowing that."

"So I'll just ask one question, just as a final confirmation."

"do you like me?"

Uh...how should I put it? I always feel like this looks a little greasy...

As Qiu Hui thought about this, it seemed that she couldn't maintain her calm expression forever.

But there is nothing we can do about it.

She always responds to other people's feelings passively, so actually...she has basically never had any serious experience of taking the initiative.

Yes, I am always responding passively to others.

In this way, I have something like a disclaimer.

"The other party took the initiative, so I don't need to take any responsibility." Maybe this is what I think subconsciously?

This...is essentially part of that despicable, self-deprecating little trick.

I don't want to go on like this anymore.

If I want to find a way to overcome the many difficult problems in front of me, perhaps I should... start changing from this point.

Qiu Hui felt that her thoughts seemed to be advancing in a somewhat strange direction.

But... no matter how strange it is, being able to move forward is much better than standing still.

I don’t know why, but Qiu Hui suddenly thought of...Takamatsu Deng at this moment.

No, it’s not because Ruomai in front of him seems to have some subtle similarities with Deng in appearance, but because of... the emotional concepts that Deng once expressed.

“I hope we can stay together forever.”

The lamp that "loves everyone" says so.

Would it be better if I became like her?

Is her idea correct?

Or is there no need to distinguish between right and wrong?

Countless thoughts flashed through Togawa Aie's mind in an instant.

Until Ruomai's voice interrupted her thoughts.

"……Fool."

Yutenji Wakamugi looked like she would burst into tears any second.

"Why are you still asking this kind of question?"

…Is that so?

"I understand." Qiu Hui nodded slowly and heavily.

She suddenly had a very strong feeling, desire, or impulse.

This is a very rare thing for her.

Because Qiu Hui has become accustomed to denying the existence of all this, and even denies that she has the qualifications to talk about these things.

From the time she ran away from home until Bunko proposed that somewhat meaningless band project, loneliness and the pressure of life made Togawa Aie become more and more distorted.

As a result, something that had been suppressed for a long time was given permission to be released.

Since the survival strategy of self-deprecation has gradually become inappropriate, it is time to abandon it decisively.

So she hugged Ruomai in her arms.

Endless self-deprecation made her regard her desire as a shameful crime.

Therefore, she must deny, must exclude, and must eliminate all possibilities of contact initiated by herself, so as to avoid being held accountable and punished.

but……